Visit to Valhalla1
Some years ago, because they were going up in price, but, even at the new price, still seemed like a bargain, he bought (somehow thought of it as an investment) a couple of cemetery plots…for him and his new wife. When he called to tell her, he said he had good news. She somehow didn’t react as if it were good news. He was still excited about the acquisition but because of his spouse’s coolness on the subject, the two of them, despite many plans to do so, never quite paid the plots a visit.2
It was some years later he learned his best buddy from the old college days, a practical man and a great planner (always with an eye on tomorrow and beyond) had also purchased several plots very nearby in the same somewhat exclusive cemetery. It was comforting (already) to learn that his “investment” was not merely folly and impulse but a wise decision, well founded on the solid ground of practicality, even though his decision was not initially based on that. His friend had also assured him that his initial purchase price was, indeed a good one…. Up until then, he had had doubts, but now felt somehow better about his investment. His wife, however, was still unimpressed. And, it seemed, bent upon interminable postponement (almost) of visiting the graves.3
So it was that on what seemed like an appropriately crisp autumn day, (it was his friend’s favorite kind of day) also very soon after Halloween, the two of them, no wives present, decided to make the “pilgrimage” and pay the grave sites a visit. Just to take a look. Just to see. 4
They stopped off at the administration building and obtained some maps which the attending lady dutifully marked and highlighted. I refrained from making tasteless jokes. Let the secret be out…I was one of the two guys.5
My friend, Lou, who said “you know, some people can’t deal with this,” was busy marking the maps in efforts to locate friends and family scattered throughout the place. He’s essentially a multi-tasker, so to speak, and, for want of a more appropriate phrase, likes to kill more than two birds with one stone. I’m not a multi-tasker but this one didn’t seem particularly daunting. Meanwhile, practical person that Lou is, he came well prepared, with little hats for the Jewish side of the cemetery, as well as a small bag of stones to place on graves regardless of persuasion.(It’s a sign that somebody came…remembered.) My plot, it turned out was located in a non-sectarian portion of Kensico…a section reserved for the Friars Club. But, it was apparent there was no place to leave anything there, because there were no headstones. The Friars, it seemed, had had enough stand-up in life. All the Friar plots were marked by flat plaques. Very modest. No proclamations!6
But before Lou and I made for the Friars Club section we drove around a bit, you might say, getting the lay of the land, trying to locate the names and places highlighted by the accommodating lady at the administration building. The paths, blocks, lines and grave markings are tricky and Lou needed to do a bit of traipsing about. It occurred to me that I had best not accompany him, as, believe it or not, it is against one of the arcane tenets of my religion (which I don’t really subscribe to) for me to traipse about in cemeteries. Maintaining a traditional (and arcane, again) role as “high priest” as I explained to Lou, I have to be on “call” to take part in a service (even though I can’t recall the last time I was in a temple) and one cannot do this (in the “House of God”) if one waltzed about in a cemetery, I guess fraternizing with the dead, within the last twenty-four hours. We seem to choose and abstract what we like from our religions. It’s always been a good excuse to avoid going to funerals and, particularly, standing around open graves. But somehow there seemed always to be a dreadful foreboding about this one rule warning the “high priests” to keep out of cemeteries. I made an exception for this outing considering I was visiting my own grave.7
So, while Lou went hiking about searching for his long deceased friends and relatives I waited for him in the car with the best of intentions, knowing that, as Lou observed, should I be “called” to take part in a sudden emergency service, I would be in good shape, not having traipsed up and down along the pathways of the departed.8
But you know, as I watched Lou walking around out there, looking for his own grave, I realized that probably the next time one of us pays a visit out here it’ll most likely be a few years (hopefully more) down the pike and without the other. And I wondered which one it would be; no matter which, it would be sad as he would assuredly be recalling this day, when we made the pilgrimage together. Certainly it would be less sad for the one who wasn’t there. Anyway, in comparison, this day would be recalled as a wonderful day when we were both together…a terrific day! But somehow what really brought all of this home was the vividness with which I also recalled another milestone in our lives…some fifty years ago when Lou and I stood on top of some mountain, in Lake George, New York, carving our initials into either stone or wood…it seemed like it was going to last awhile whatever it was. And we thought of the future, a very distant future shrouded in fog and obscurity. We thought of the ladies, the careers, the years…all that. It all passed rather quickly. Now I was looking back. And looking ahead again. One of us would be looking back next time.9
Discovering where all the bodies were buried, Lou and I worked our way to the Friars Club section. We found my plot, which I measured exactly 13 paces from a massive boulder by the side of the road. I always felt thirteen was a lucky number for me. Lou wanted to take a picture of me standing on my grave, or even lying down on it, but I felt that might have been going a little too far. I also thought I’d have plenty of time to do that. I must say, though, it was somewhat of a revelation and it brought about a rather strange sensation standing on the very spot, that last bit of real estate that you’ll be occupying for a rather very long time. Lou took a photo of the road, which he captioned “view from the grave”…and another of the grassy slope on which we stood. I thought that was definitely the slippery slope I had heard so much about.10
Ironically Lou knew who the guy just above my plot was…. I always thought it strange that no matter where one goes in this life, one always sort of bumps into someone…somebody one knows. I didn’t know whether this could be construed as this life…and I didn’t quite know this guy, but I knew of him. I guess I’ll eventually be spending more time with him. 11
There was a makeshift concrete slab bridging a gap between the slope and the road, and Lou almost killed himself traversing it as it shifted and unexpectedly gave way. That would really have been ironic. But he caught himself and came away unscathed.12
At the car Lou showed me his emergency zip-loc bag with the stash of smooth stones, and also revealed a few little hats as he offered me one for some reason. I declined.13
We left, as the autumn clouds continued on their eastward journey overhead. The day was still pleasant and crisp. The pilgrimage accomplished, the visit over, Lou and I found a jolly diner atop Central Avenue and had a late lunch. I pulled out all stops, threw all dietary cautions to the winds, and had the BLT whose wafting aroma I had followed in from the parking lot. I also had some excellent French fried potatoes. A lot of them. What the hell!14
Next day Lou wrote me an email. He said he was relieved when he finally got home…. He said he had had his concerns as it isn’t often one returns from the grave.15
Author notes
The FRIARS Club of New York and L.A. is essentially a "show-business" club of long standing in the U.S. Members are essentially performers who are accustomed to "stand-up"...hence the reference in P6.
GA
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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HUMOROUS INDEED!
I thoroughly enjoyed this! As in many of your writings, the first thing that calls my attention is the title. Valhalla. I have always been interested in mythology. And the last line was just wonderful!Thank you.
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Oh my, this was a very well written story! I laughed at the last line there. That's an instant classic!
I liked the meandering pace your story took; it meshed well with the wandering through the cemetery.
I was a little surprised that you started off in third person and then hopped to first person; I'm not sure I've seen that before, but letting out the secret, that was a nice way to segue.
The irony as Lou nearly killed himself in the cemetery was a nice touch as well, and that slippery slope cracked me up. So many tiny little innuendoes!
I imagine if I were freshly returned from the grave, I'd eat a bunch of tasty food as well.
Verymost awesome story.
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The switch from third to first person near the beginning is odd. Why not fix this? How does it help the story if it stays? The problem with the first person is that when a character (also narrating the story) says something is funny or ironic the reader may not agree with them. This makes the reader jump out of the tale and into their own thoughts. The third person style I think would serve this story much more appropriately. It will help the reader become absorbed in the story much more than is currently the case. A good story creates a suspension of disbelief in the reader. There are stories out there that use first person successfully to do this, but I don't reccomend it here. I think that some of the comments speak to this issue. For example, your "relaxed writing style" and "not all that captivating".
. Rewarded 8
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wow, very different than anything I have ever read before, but still good, very interresting, but very good, very original. I've never even heard of someone buying their grave in advance... I sure wouldn't, and I aint gonna doubt that I'm gonna get shot down and burried in an alley way, but that just me.
. Rewarded 6
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Interesting.
"He said he had had his concerns as it isn't often one returns from the grave." I love this line. -
Awesome! This is the best thing I've read by you so far, in my opinion. You use ellipses rather frequently again, but not as much as in "Mirror mirror" =P However, it seems much more natural in this one and I wouldn't change them. I love the voice in it and thought it was great that somebody would buy their grave in advance. This story is really fabulous. If I had more than two hands, I would give you more thumbs up, but as it is, two thumbs up!
~Trillian~
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I dug it... well written and funny... you should have taken that picture next to the grave though - might have made a nice christmas card!
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Very funny, although there were some dead parts that seemed to lose my attention. It was ironic in many ways, and the ending appeared random and clever enough to wrap the story up. Great job, and nice spelling/grammar.
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The idiosyncrasies of life have been treated here with both a new light (the number 13 being considered a 'lucky' number) and with wonderment (eating hearty ofter being reminded of your mortality). It is interesting how each character's life experiences and personality molded their day in the graveyard. Lou sought to reconcile with the realities of life and , while the main character (first person POV) accompanied him on his journey - as somewhat an observer.
Exceptionally written (as always) and tenderly executed.
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great
sorry for not replying immediately, I thought this was very well-written, you have a particularly relaxed writing style. Love it!. Rewarded 4
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Very well written and I think there could be a sequal. I loved it in so manyways. I can't even begin to metion them all fantastic.
. Rewarded 4
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very good. interesting, but not all that captivating. It didn't draw me in like some other stories do, but it was pretty well written all the same. Good job with this story because it has an interesting concept and the last little paragraph is pretty funny.
. Rewarded 6
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this was very dark an eerie but well written a strange journey well conceived reminded me of a twilight zone
. Rewarded 4
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I like visiting cemeteries. They're so pretty and quiet and peaceful, I like to just wander around.Although all my family members have been cremated instead of buried.
I found the last line slightly jarring with the rest of the story.
I also found it slightly difficult to read because of the background. Maybe it's just my not-so-great eyesight--having oculocutaneus albinism does have its effects--but I think plain backgrounds distract less from the story anyway.
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Aye, religion.
Once again, you write great story, Gary.
It's funny and humorous, especially the last line. And insightful with the religion and time points.
Congrats on your book being published!
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Picking and choosing bits of religon, oh so many people I know do that.
I like the standing in time bit, think about the past looking forward and the future looking past, twisty cool.
The last line made me laugh.
I love the pictures you make in my head GA, the way you describe things is so real and yet dream like at the same time, it is such an odd way to read.
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An excellent read! A touching and contemplative tale, and yet told with great humor. I'm very glad to have read this. The last line is classic. Keep up the great work!
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I can see where your going with the title, though I must say Valhalla is an interesting choice. Anyways, great piece. Very well done and kept my attention. Keep up the great work.
. Rewarded 4
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Very Good
Gary,
Thanks for commenting on my story "Vahalla." I honestly wrote it two weeks ago, so no plagiarism. I like your style of writing better than mine, it flows smoother and is easier to read aloud, despite the advanced vocabulary. Mine is a bit too short and choppy. I need to mix some long sentences in with short for balance. I really enjoyed your story. Excellent.
JJ
. Rewarded 8
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this was the best thing for my morbid mood this A.M.
Morning Gary, leave it to you to come up with an odd situation for comedy. I had to partake in a funeral yesterday, and this was the best thing for my morbid mood this A.M.
You made me smile and even laugh at times while I was reading this tale.
It was very well written, easy to follow with two interesting characters. You always confound me, and your friend Lou added to my peculiar sense of humor. I could envision him traipsing among those graves, dropping his stones and wearing a hat. What did he do with the left over stones?
I hope you intended this to draw some smiles from the reader. It did from me.
Geri
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I do think the background suits this. hehe. I do really like the honesty in your tone. It feels like you're giving a good accurate account of an important day in your life. It's interesting how easy it is to enjoy life after being faced with your mortality!
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