He smells like stale rum. His eyes are red and watery. As he talks, spit shoots from his lips as each word is punctuated by hate and bitterness. I pray every night for him but it seems this is the one factor in my life that God has let me down, but as usual I have faith.1
Yesterday was really good. We talked for about an hour laughing together, joking with each other for once enjoying each other;s company without fighting. He admitted for the first time that he has an alcohol problem but says he is cutting down and fool that I am, I believe him, but he seemed so sincere how could I not. Its funny how after all of these years I still believe his empty promises, after all the damage it has caused my heart, my mind and my body, I still believe him. And as I turned to leave he said something that made me annoyed but happy.
'I hope you will learn to respect me, because I want us to be friends,' ignoring the respect part (he has yet to earn that) I smiled and left.2
Today I was anticipating another day of laughing and joking but as usual he let me down. All I did was say 'Dya know, if you needed my kidney I'd give it to you,' jokily but hoping he'd know that I meant it. But then he just started shouting at me again. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and in his I didn't see my Dad anymore. I saw this evil man who ruined my childhood and who continuously broke my spirit leaving me to mend my broken heart. He raises his voice even more and highlights each sentence with his swearword of the day. Tears fall down my cheeks and I sniff loudly.
' I can't stand here and talk to you when you're like this,' I say to my father.
'STAY HERE AND FINISH THE CONVERSATION,' he shouts as I rush to the door.
He screamed at me and I could swear he was going to hit me, but I ran. I ran out the door with tears streaming down my face. I ran past passers-by who looked at me with concern on their unknowing faces. I ran past boys on bikes with dogs who stared gormlessly at me. And then I sobbed. Loudly like all my pain was coming out in a cry of anguish. He loved his bottle of 100% proof St.Lucia white rum more than his flesh and blood. And it hurts to know that.3
It hurts so much.
4
Yesterday was really good. We talked for about an hour laughing together, joking with each other for once enjoying each other;s company without fighting. He admitted for the first time that he has an alcohol problem but says he is cutting down and fool that I am, I believe him, but he seemed so sincere how could I not. Its funny how after all of these years I still believe his empty promises, after all the damage it has caused my heart, my mind and my body, I still believe him. And as I turned to leave he said something that made me annoyed but happy.
'I hope you will learn to respect me, because I want us to be friends,' ignoring the respect part (he has yet to earn that) I smiled and left.2
Today I was anticipating another day of laughing and joking but as usual he let me down. All I did was say 'Dya know, if you needed my kidney I'd give it to you,' jokily but hoping he'd know that I meant it. But then he just started shouting at me again. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and in his I didn't see my Dad anymore. I saw this evil man who ruined my childhood and who continuously broke my spirit leaving me to mend my broken heart. He raises his voice even more and highlights each sentence with his swearword of the day. Tears fall down my cheeks and I sniff loudly.
' I can't stand here and talk to you when you're like this,' I say to my father.
'STAY HERE AND FINISH THE CONVERSATION,' he shouts as I rush to the door.
He screamed at me and I could swear he was going to hit me, but I ran. I ran out the door with tears streaming down my face. I ran past passers-by who looked at me with concern on their unknowing faces. I ran past boys on bikes with dogs who stared gormlessly at me. And then I sobbed. Loudly like all my pain was coming out in a cry of anguish. He loved his bottle of 100% proof St.Lucia white rum more than his flesh and blood. And it hurts to know that.3
It hurts so much.
4
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