We had our first kiss last week and I still think she hates me, I could see it in her eyes.
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I mean for me it was like fireworks it was so intense but her eyes were so dead it killed me. It was pure hate, as if she was saying 'I hate what you've turned me into.' And my God it scared me so much like she would flip any moment but I didn't want it to end. She's always been a homophobe and when I told her I was a lesbian she stopped talking to me for three weeks. Then a week after, last week, we kissed. Now I'm more confused than ever.3
So. Here I am sitting on my bed, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom, shes been in there for an hour now. I knocked on the door 30 minutes ago but she didn't answer. I'll wait. She knows I will.4
Another 10 minutes has passed according to my ancient clock and she finally comes out of the bathroom. Naked.5
'Take of your clothes' she orders. Still not sure what she is going to do to me I hesitate, but she stares at me with that look and I unbutton my blouse. I look into her eyes and see nothing but disgust. Pure hatred and loathing but I continue to take off my jeans and panties.
'Lie down on the floor' she says in a monosyllabic monotone voice that lacks the passion and warmth of when we were friends. I don't know what I am to her anymore but I love so much I don't need her to love me back. I lie on the dark blue carpet. She lies next to me our naked bodies only just touching, she is rigid but her pink nipples are standing on end, her face however is full of repulsion. 6
She slowly mounts me and bites hard on my nipple. I scream but she keeps biting. I feel her pierce my flesh with her teeth and when she looks at me I see my blood dripping down her chin. She kisses me hard on the mouth, so hard it nearly suffocates me but I don't say anything. I know she won't like it if I talk.7
I've dreamed about her and I doing this for months, imagining the feel of her body on mine, but I'm not turned on and I want her to stop. But again, I don't say anything. She bites her way down my body until she reaches my pussy. Though I am dry she sucks my clit until I can't suppress my moan. Sticking her tongue inside me, I arch my back and shudder slightly. She caresses my boobs with hands that are colder than her ice green eyes. A tear slides down my cheek. It feels like she is raping me and I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it.8
She pulls out her tongue from inside me and I pray that its over, but she takes two fingers and rams them inside of me. I'm crying now visibly trembling with doomed anticipation, but she doesn't stop. 9
Then I see it.10
A glint of metal catches my eye as she reaches behind her back with her other arm. A long thin knife. My eyes goes wide with fear, she holds down my thighs to prevent me from struggling. Mustering every ounce of strength left in my weak and broken body I sit up at look her dead in the eye. She returns the gaze with one of revulsion and contempt.
'I hate you,' she whispers her voice raspy and snake like. And I don't say anything. I know exactly what she is going to do and as she does I don't even scream. I feel the cold metal cut the skin of my vagina, she holds up the knife and my blood drips off it. She licks it seemingly savoring the taste then spits her bloody saliva on my face.11
She holds up the knife and it slices through the air in a backwards diagonal. It happenes so fast I don't even feel her collapse on top of me.12
I lay there trembling over her naked body with pleading in my eyes, as I watch the blood spurt from the veins and arteries in her neck. She doesn't move, but her eyes still watch me. Mine don't even water.13
Author notes
Oh lawd what the hell is this. I just saw the comp and thought 'Oooh I know, why don't I enter' Bit weird, so I don;t mind honest critiques.
Peace
- Erotic and Psychotic group list • next in list
A contest entry
- ... this is a title.... ENTER!! u know you want to :P muhaha by angel.of.mine.
405 points, ended December 8, 2007, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ♥ ♥Lesbian Love story ♥ ♥ by Intrepid.
600 points, ended June 21, 12 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Oh So Twisted... by Naive..
425 points, ended July 15, 56 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Hehehe, finally I get some lesbian action in this contest! xD. Glad to see you wrote about this subject. =]
I adore the plot and how it turns very twisted very fast. I also love the erotica, and I truly wish you would have made the erotic scene longer. It was just that good. Also, maybe you could describe the two characters in greater depth because I felt that was lacking.
"I don't know what I am to her anymore but I love so much I don't need her to love me back."
^ I got a tad confused because there wasn't the word 'her' after 'I love'. I don't think it NEEDS to be there, but it would make more sense, I think. But maybe that's just me. lol.
There were a few things like the one I mentioned above. All you need is a little more editing. If you want, I'd be glad to edit this for you once my contest is judged. I would point out the mistakes and show the corrections...and message all that to you and such. =] However, it's up to you. Just let me know.
Thanks for entering and good luck! =D
-jj
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Bow this is my kind of erotica I am pretty inton all the sadisticness of it all and all the cutting just makes me feel so deeply inriched in filth for the things I love.. your imagery was mastered to perfection in my eyes.
I havent read much were the character was pretty cold and heartless to the edge of numb and blankness in emotions and that made me jump up and down in excitment... no mercy.
Fucking brilliant~
Good luck
Thanks for entering
well done
keep writing
Blair
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Glad you liked!
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Wow! This was unlike anything I have read before. Congrats on the gold. This certainly held my attention and there is no way I would have guessed the ending. So sad and so unexpected!
~Joann
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wow...i guess...it makes me kinda sad. its so...raw. but brilliant write.
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wow!
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Thankyou!!
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Nail Biting!
Hi Redtearstains
Brilliant! This is good writing. A crime of passion with a unique twist; so dramatically horrifying.
Congratulations!
Happy Writing!
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Thanks!!
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Very Good
Never read anything like this before but I must say that it is very good. It was well worded and the way you made the characters is excellent. The beggining is great and catches your attention straight away. It all flowed together well. Well done! -
Good
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Descriptions that make you cringe
The beginning of your story is so intriguing. I loved reading your descriptions of this person who hated what she was yet went through with it anyway. It really gives you an idea how convoluted the emotions of a person must face when their belief system goes against their sexual orientation.
The descriptions on this story were right on, I could picture exactly what was happening, I could feel the twisted emotions of each character.
My largest critique has to come in the fact that you failed to name either character. Now that really isn't a necessary thing because your writing in first person, which allows the reader to understand whom your talking about with such a limited cast of characters. The problem presents itself in the end though.
I felt like the person with the knife was lying above the main character. Then she lowers the knife.. next the main character is above the other person watching her bleed. There is no description linking these two, it almost feels like the first person aspect was switched from one character to another. Please clarify this for me!! -
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I see. I did want them to remain nameless, but I see how this becomes confusing, so I'll change it up a bit! Thanks
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Powerful write!
This shows a lot of raw emotion and movement in this. The story hits you in the face.By the way in the fifth paragraph should that be off instead of of? Nevertheless this is a good read that shares quite the experience. THANKS!
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thank you I am glad you enjoyed it! -
..woow....ohmi gawd....i didnt even know it was enetered in my contest till i read it :| how weird... didnt send me a mesg satyin u enetered hmm ANYWAY bak to being a MEAN critique .... lol.. OK SO...
when we we friends - when we WERE friends ... LOL ey dun bag me im trying to be a gud lil contest hosst... hmm there was 1 more thing, *looks up to find it*
my thighs and I sit up at look her - shuld that be and i sit up and look at her? got a lil confused ^_^ ok so.. me mean button is now SWITCHED OFF.. lol
WOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW OMG WAT A AWSUM LESBIAN MURDER HORRIBLE (in a gud way) STORY!! i read it and then im like... wait, it seemed longer, BUT NOO IT WASNT this was so gud i jus cant believe it!! omggggg gud luck in mi contest xoxoxxx
gus says BAAA
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I'm glad you like it. I have edited some bits of it. Aww ducks give me so much grief sometimes
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