Nine Portraits of Murder

1.1

You want to know why I kill?
Ok. Let’s do this.2

I’m walking down fifth and Lexington, and there’s this guy on his cell phone. I figure he’s talking to his wife or whatever, ‘cuz he’s talking real sweet… You know, pet names and shit like that.3

I think this is around seven, eight o’clock in the evening. Still cabs out. Still people out. Street lights on.4

I follow this guy for maybe ten minutes, just to sort of get an idea. He’s a fat fucker, and I’m pretty sure I can take him. Yak yak yak. More flirting. Yak yak yak.5

And then, out of nowhere he just starts screaming his freaking head off. Like his wife had cut his fucking balls off or something. I don’t even remember what he said, but boy was he pissed.6

And that’s when I know he’s going to be my toy.
The rest is… Well, you saw the papers.7

I did him in some parking garage on twelfth. Stupid cocksucker didn’t even figure out I was following him until we were fucking at his car.8

I used a switchblade. Fat fuck didn’t last ten minutes… Screamed a lot, though.9

So why’d I do it?
Because he was a fucking waste of oxygen, that’s why.
Because I knew that if I didn’t do him there, in that dingy little parking garage, he would have just kept screaming and eating and walking until he died of a heart attack or some shit.10

Waste of space, waste of time, waste of oxygen.
And there’s only so much air to go around, you know.11

2.12

Oh God…
Why…13

I don’t even know, ok?
It was perfect. So perfect. I could practically see the moonlight in her hair… And she was beautiful. Too beautiful.14

It was dinner at some restaurant. The Ritz, I think.. Maybe not. Dinner and then a hotel… Wait, no, the hotel was The Ritz. Maybe we ate at a Burger King.15

Look, it’s all kind of blurry. I don’t know, ok? I just don’t know.16

We were sitting on the bed, and we’d just… Finished, and I saw her there.
Just sitting.
And it was the most beautiful moment of my life.17

The way she looked. The way she smelled. The way she smiled… And I knew her smile, God, that wonderful smile, it was for me. Just for me. And deep down, some part of me also knew that I would never, ever experience a moment like that again. Maybe she’d stay with me. Maybe she wouldn’t. But that moment was gone, and that was as good as it was going to get.18

And I knew…
God help me.
I knew I had to immortalize it. So I would always remember it. So no other man would ever be able to steal it away from me. And I put my hands around that slender neck, and watched the last breath escape from those pretty, pretty lips. Felt my finger nails digging into that smooth skin until her warm, precious blood ran over them.
…I think I blacked out after that. Don’t ask me about the other stuff, because I don’t remember any of it.19

She was just too beautiful.20

3.21

Silly little man.
Do you really want to know why?
Because I am a huntress.22

There have been warriors before me. Tens of millions, entire armies, people who have slain more enemies than insects.23

Almost all of the True Warriors are gone now, but some of us remember them.
True Warriors do not flee from the hunt. They do not wait for their leaders to start petty wars, True Warriors hunt because it is their natural right. Because True Warriors are the hunters.
And if you are not a hunter, you are merely one of the hunted.
In my life, I have not taken many prey. Perhaps only a few dozen. But before my death in battle, I know I will have taken a great deal more.24

Silly little man.
Go tell that to your pathetic little tabloid, or whoever it is you slave for.25

4.26

Hmph.
Well, to start, let me tell you some of the things you get in the army:27

You get an XM215 Microgun, with about 1.5k rounds and a big stand for it.
You get your SIEP, or your “seep”, as we’d call it. Standard infantry emergency pack.
You get a cold, usually. And probably some diseases they don’t bother officially naming, like “the shits” or “Paulson’s”. Don’t know who Paulson was, but I think it’s safe to assume he’s dead.
You get some training with a big homophobic drill sergeant who talks about things like “the enemy” and “the target” but never mentions people.
You get a combat knife, which is practically a joke in and of itself.
And you get cigarettes. Lots of cigarettes.28

Basically, they give you everything you need to become a lean, mean, trained, strong, dirty, emotionless, determined, expert killer.29

But they never tell you how to stop.30

5.31

Because I can.32

6.33

12 February, ’93.
See small child wandering street. Cold, tired, torn shirt.
Asks for money for train ticket, which I give.
Follow child beneath cover of night, staying quiet, staying alert. Follow child to alley with fat, greasy man. Greasy man smells of nicotine.
Child gives greasy man coins, greasy man gives child needle.34

Greasy man has handgun.
I’m faster than he is.35

Greasy man is painted all over wall, child is wide eyed, still clutching needle.
I say:
“Where’s your mother?”
Child says:
“Don’t know.”
I say:
“Where’s your father?”
Child appears confused, bewildered. Says:
“Mister, that was my father.”36

That’s why.37

7.38

In today’s world, everything is more complicated. Our society, our technology, our lives. Being a Man of God in today’s world is perhaps the most complicated thing of all.39

I began my Work at Mercy Hospital four years ago. Such an ironic name… I had long searched for a station at which I could carry out my duties, and when I saw this one, I knew that I had been divinely inspired. The location, the name… It was perfect, all perfect!40

I worked in a most unholy place, the emergency room. This is where you could truly see The Beast’s Work in action: Bodies riddled with bullets, teenage veins pumping alcohol like it was blood, women implanted with the seed of fathers they couldn’t even name. It truly was a representation of the city, a dark and terrible destination for all who had been maimed by the world’s cruelty.41

One night, there was a teenaged girl. She bore twelve bruises, each inflicted upon her by her drunken boyfriend.
Before I took her, I kissed each one.42

Another night, an elderly man. His car had been stolen, and on the walk home he fell and broke his leg and hip. This one was quick.
I said a prayer, and clutched his IV as though it were his heart. I still remember the fear and gratitude in his eyes.43

On several occasions, it was a simple matter of making the surgery appear “botched”. A slip of the scalpel, perhaps a loose stitch. Each was easy, and could be performed before or after the operation.44

God did not intend for us to suffer. Believe me, for I have seen great suffering, and I know. I was no monster, I merely brought His children closer to Him… For this, I deserve a high seat in heaven.45

I will burn in Hell only because I enjoyed it.46

8.47

Because…
Well, um…
I don’t… I’ve never had to explain this before. I don’t really know how to put this.48

I guess the first thing I should say is that I know how crazy this sounds. And that’s because I am crazy. I’ve known that for a long time now… And I mean batshit insane, here. Not your boring, medicateable, mood-swingy crazy. Just completely, 100% out of my mind bonkers.49

We started because... Another thing I should mention. I’m not one person. Not on the inside, anyway. Most people are “I”s… I’m a “we”. Crazy, right? I’m a… A lot of different people. I can’t control it. It’s like, sometimes I’ll be at work and I’ll be this real nervous romantic type, but on the way home I’ll just shift. Nothing in particular will set me off. Suddenly I’ll be a construction worker, or a soldier or a…. A fucking reporter. It’s like some little voice inside will say “Move over. My turn.”50

Living like this is hard enough, but it isn’t made any easier when you consider that most of the people in there are hardwired killers. Almost as crazy as I am, they are. They’re not always in control – thank God – but most of the time, I just give them what they want before it gets to that point. 51

I… We kill because it lets us feel together. For that short time in between, they all shut up, the bees in my head stop swarming… I can sleep. I can function. I can think.52

I guess you could never understand.
But that release is the most beautiful feeling in the world.53

9.54

What can I say?
It pays the bills.
It’s one hell of a stress reliever…
And hey, it beats sitting around watching TV every night.