Reality

Reality. Somehow I had always managed to escape the merciless reality of life and when I fell in love it only got worse. I became more blind. It could’ve been a good thing, but…the day I realized that the dream I was living was only a dream and reality was in actuality a big bitch with a gun, that was the day I realized that I was fucked. 1

I had everything that anyone could’ve ever asked for. 2

Damn. I was in love with the perfect girl. My dream girl. Best body. Best smile. Best laugh. And we were playing house with the kids and all. A three year old little boy and six month old little girl. 3

They were like my own, Brandon…I called him Fat Man and Tory, my little princess. Fat Man called me Daddy, even though I was the furthest thing from his father. I loved it, though. And I woke up one morning thinking that the first chance I got I would marry my queen Elise.4

Later that day my big dreams were crushed into a thousand little pieces. We’d gone over Elise’s mom’s house for a family barbecue and everything seemed extra peachy with everyone laughing and having a good time.5

Washing my hands in the bathroom I here her aunt and older sister talking.6

“Its so sad to see. How they got them kids confused,” said Aunt Brenda. 7

Elise’s eldest sister Nina replied, “Yea. I hate it because I can’t say something without seeming like I don’t support her. I do. I really do. Whoever she’s with I’m right there with her, you know? But I have a real problem with her pushing this on her kids…”8

“It doesn’t make any sense.”9

“Yea,” Nina replied. “They need a father. Every child needs a father, but them calling some seventeen year old girl, Daddy.”10

“It’s just not right. When they get older how are they going to explain that?” Brenda said.11

Nina answered, “I doubt they’ll last that long anyways, but either way Fat Man is old enough to remember this.”12

Hearing them speak about our family like that made my heart sink in my chest. Damn. I knew everyone had their own little opinion about us, but…that shit hurt more than any other pain I’d ever felt in my life.13

I just wanted to go home after that, feeling sick to my stomach. I begged Elise in whispers for us to leave, but of course, we stayed until she was ready to go.14

“What’s wrong?” she asked, noticing that I was a little heated.15

“Baby I feel sick.” I lied to her, “Can we just go home?”16

She ignored me, “Just take something to ease your stomach.”17

As soon as we got in the door of her apartment I released all my anger. She rolled her eyes, “What the hell is wrong with you?”18

“You!” I shouted. “Ignoring me and shit. What the hell is your problem?”19

She sat down on the couch, giving me that look that she gives me when she’s annoyed. It pisses me off anymore. I tried to just calm down and tell her, “I wanted to leave.”20

“Why?”21

“Because your fucking family hates me.” I scream.22

“You’re just being childish.”23

That’s where most of our arguments usually turned for the worse. Age had to be the touchiest of subjects between us because even though I wore the pants she was twenty-four and I was only eighteen. Mentioning age and any part of my naivety or inexperience was plainly disrespectful and I wouldn’t take it ever.24

“Any time I get mad it’s me being immature.” I said, frustrated that she wouldn’t listen to me at all.25

“Well you are. Every time you don’t get you’re way…”26

And that’s when I muffed her with my hand. She pushed me back and I slapped her right across the cheek. 27

The fighting happened so fast, but when I hit her time stood still. I just looked at her looking at me. She looked at me holding her cheek with tears starting to leak from her eyes. 28

I just left her there with her crocodile tears. I couldn’t deal with it at that moment just jumped in my car and sped down the highway until I made it downtown where I stayed with my older sister Prissy.29

“You shouldn’t have hit her.”30

I didn’t see the problem. We were both females, I was an emotional person period. I’d used my fist to show my anger in more than one occasions with Elise, Prissy, most of my exes, including my only ex-boyfriend. I didn’t care.31

“If you were a guy.” Prissy said.32

“If I were a guy I’d surely know how to hold in my emotions and not put my hands on her, but I’m a female and I don’t have to learn that.”33

Prissy rolled her eyes, “You’re gonna get yourself in trouble.”34

“You tell me that every day.”35

Prissy grabbed my arm and pushed me back, “Because its true. You live like consequences don’t exist.”36

“Alright Mom!” I spat out annoyed.37

She scolded, “You can’t always just do what you want. I wish you would grow up.”38

“Prissy. Shut up!” I shouted.39

She sat down next to me on the couch. We were quiet, but she broke the silence, “Do you really think you’re ready for that type of commitment? For two kids and a girl who is basically your wife?”40

“Yea. I love her.”41

“You’re so young, though. What about college? What about all you’re dreams?”42

At the edge of tears I confessed, “She is my dream. And Fat Man and Tory. I love them all. It is my dream. I’d do anything for them, but…I’ll probably lose her after tonight.”43

So frustrated with myself I just went to my room to lay in my bed. I stared at the ceiling for hours, thinking about Elise, dreaming of the future and then I fell asleep.44

I did a bunch of sleeping and moping the next day. She didn’t call, didn’t even answer her phone. I felt like my heart would explode so I got up and I went to see her.45

Knocked on the door of her apartment and no one answered. Looked through the window and it seemed as if she wasn’t there. I started to cry. Just my luck.46

And then it hit me like a bullet, what if we weren’t meant to be, what if I really was too young for her and her too old for me, what if this was the end and I’d never get to see the kids again. Tears hit me so hard I fell to the ground.47

I was crying on the stairs when her neighbor, Kelly came up. My tears immediately dried. Kelly watched the kids sometimes when I was at school and Elise was at work. They were friends, so maybe Elise said something.48

“Have you seen Elise?” I asked desperately.49

She looked at me strangely.50

I continued, “We had a fight the other night. I haven’t talked to her or seen her since. I really need to see her. To make things right, you know?”51

She sat down next to me, “The last time I saw her…she was on her way to see you…something about something her sister had said…yea she went off to see you.”52

I jumped up with glee and excitement, but Kelly pulled my hand, urging me to sit down.53

“I thought she had least made it to see you. Her family could have at least called you…you loved her too.”54

Listening to her words and seeing the solemn look on her face my heart dropped, “What happened?”55

“She was in an accident…a drunk driver.” Kelly said, “Sorry. I’m so sorry. She’s gone.”56

I thought that I would go crazy, I thought maybe my heart would just stop beating and I would die, but I felt nothing. I just stared to the clouds.57

I blacked out, but I came to, finding myself in front of Elise’s mom’s house. Her uncles were on the porch, playing with Fat Man. He saw me and came running into my arms. 58

“Daddy! Daddy!” 59

I scooped him up and gave him a big hug and lots of kisses, but they tore us apart.60

Her mom ripped him from my hands and one of her aunts took him inside. I could see another holding Tory.61

“You need to leave. Ain’t no reason for you to make no more trouble.” 62

We looked each other squarely in the eye, she fiddled and moved as if she was ready for a fight. I told her, “I was part of Elise’s life, too. I loved her. I love those kids. You can’t keep me…”63

“They’re not your kids. Two bitches can’t make babies. And you’re not to come around here. I’m not gonna have my youngest daughter be remembered as a dyke.”64

That was the end. I knew it. I could fight against her family all I wanted, these same people who were constantly saying how good of a couple we were and her mother…the woman who thanked me for taking care of her daughter and grandchildren. That bitch dared to stand in front of me and tell me to walk away from all that I love.65

And I didn’t have any choice, but to do it. 66

I saw the kids again at the funeral. Fat Man looked so cute in a little tuxedo and it took two spankings to tell him to stop calling out for me. I stood way in the back of the church straining to see Elise, laying peacefully in the casket.67

When it was time for everyone to pay their last respects I got in line. I didn’t care if her mother shot me, I was going to say goodbye. 68

“I’ll love you forever, Elise.” and I kissed her on the cheek.69