Sands of time (imagery)

The sands of time were swept away as the soaked, musty aroma of a drenched, dingy, dust-stained towel swept across the neglected window. As the towel metronomes about, the capturing thought of an hourglass counting down couldn't help but be pondered upon. Swaying and sweeping around as if captured within a desert storm of mighty winds and seas of sand. Thrusting about, tossed and tortured, the layers of neglect upon the window were washed away.1

Awaiting the final drop of sand within the hourglass to fall, all was hindered to the fixation of the torment upon the dust covered window. Creeping closer, pouncing upon the last layer of tormented neglect, the drenched, dingy, dust-stained towel pounced upon the tortured section and like a lion the prey was feasted upon.2

Satisfied of the last sand of the hourglass dropped, the drenched, dingy, dust-stained towel, was thrust downwards upon the dust covered floor. At the window all seemed normal, for the only evidence of the neglect was trapped within the drenched, dingy, dust-stained towel thrust upon the floor. 3

Neglected, there the drenched, dingy, dust-stained towel would remain.

Author notes

william-fauxcinauf un written thoughts

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • paperparadox
    February 26

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    I have to say that I enjoyed following your imagery in this interesting piece ~ but I really couldn't get my head around it in any sense of comprehension!

    Is it just me?!?

    There's a disconcerting change of tense in the first couple of sentences. Was this intentional? Also I felt some of your sentences need either shortening for a punchier effect or re-arranging for better clarity. Not sure which ~ maybe both!

    Anyway, it was defintiely a different, quirky and engrossing read. Well done.


    • DemApples
      March 3
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      there is a lot of big words in what you said but i wrote this when i was 9 or 10 i think i was 9 though or barely 10


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    February 22
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    great imagery and use of words. flowing descriptions. I enjoyed reading this.


  • Tricia3 gold member
    February 21

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    Amazing!!!

    I have never heard the likes of a whole story describing a dirty towel but it was great. I loved it.

  • NightVixen
    February 21
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    Very nice! Vivid imagery and flowing descriptions. Well done!


  • Olinda
    November 4, 2008
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    this was very good, great description and vividness, thanks


  • Hellcat Metal
    October 8, 2008

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    Wow that was very vivid. Descriptions like this really hook a reader and I love elaborate descriptions! It's as if you have given this towel sitting in the window its own time and world. Good job.


  • Toxic Paradox
    October 6, 2008

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    I Like how you have managed to make something so mundane and ordinary have new meaning. This is a deep piece, but parts of it could certainly use some re-editing... parts seem to repeat and some of the syantax is a little off. For now I don't plan to give you a detailed analysis of what I mean, because they would only be suggestions as this is already a fine piece.

    However, if at any point you would like me to go over this more thoroughly, just let me know and I shall try to fit it around University.

    Thank you for entering my contest.


  • Valkyrie silver member
    September 10, 2008

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    Wow, that was rich with imagery. I could smell that cloth from here; someone get me the clorox!
    I do think some of the sentences are a bit rough in construction (no problems with the imagery, just the sentence structure); you've got "pounce" twice in one sentence there, and "hindered to the fixation of the torment" doesn't really make much sense to me, although it looks impressive; I'm just not sure what you're trying to say.
    The hourglass upon the window was a great image, and very clever. Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck.


  • beezy92
    March 13, 2008

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    I like it. It's strange...the way you keep mentioning the same descrioption of the towel. It makes me think of Seuss. It seems cool...like the signature of a famous writer. It's great. I like it (= There were parts that confused me but in a good way. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest!

  • abba12
    February 14, 2008

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    i never thought id say this, but theres too many adjectives, particularly for the towel, and as such, the repetition of those adjectives sounds arkward. imagry isnt nececarily made up of adjective after adjective, description needs more than that.


  • Shiki
    January 10, 2008

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    Lets see I viewed this but forgotten to comment on it cuz I was busy hehe alright here goes.

    The words and vocabularies you've used here are superb very nice descriptions

    I like this stanza most:
    "The sands of time were swept away as the soaked, musty aroma of a drenched, dingy, dust-stained towel swept across the neglected window. As the towel metronomes about, the capturing thought of an hourglass counting down couldn't help but be pondered upon. Swaying and sweeping around as if captured within a desert storm of mighty winds and seas of sand. Thrusting about, tossed and tortured, the layers of neglect upon the window were washed away" Very beautiful

    But I saw a very fatal mistake in this poem seriously. I hope you could correct it cuz its really disturbing. Its your format If it is a poem, Make it 1 sentence, 1 line. It would be very much appriciated and it gives reader an easier time to read and enjoy the poem sentence by sentence. if you junk the whole lot together, it looks more like a story, and sometimes its confusing Try to seperate it and make it into line by line format I'm sure it will be very helpful to the readers

    • DemApples
      January 11, 2008
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      i guess it could be a poem

      this was actually part of a contest by asfand i had to use imagery to capture the action of wiping a window. i didn't write it intending to make a poem it is just a really really short story cause my images get kinda overworked and tiring when the stories are longer. Thank you for the comment if you think this could be inspiration for a poem i would be honored if you wrote it. poetry isn't exactly my strong point.


  • Asfand
    December 19, 2007

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    Wonderful, you've just impressed on why you made it through as a qualifier. Nice job, very potent thought here, love to see it expand. Wonderful work, the metaphor is dazzling and has a beautiful effect. Very fine work!


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    November 24, 2007

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    This is a great metaphor - the sands of an hourglass as the dust on a window. I like it. But what did you see once the window was clean? lol. I wonder a little bit about the passive voice in the first paragraph - it makes it sound distanced and impersonal. Also, you used the word pounce twice in the second paragraph - maybe you want to replace one of them with an appropriate synonym. I think you could go a lot of different ways with a story from this image, if you so choose - from the window's point of view or the cleaner's point of view or some impassive omniscient thirt party lol. Some very fun ideas are coming to mind. Good luck in the contest!

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