Chapter one- Part four #1
My mother looked across at me, a shadowy smile cast upon her face, it practically screamed bad news. She stood up, dragging her chair over to my bedside. He expression not changing with her movement, just remaining the same. She rested her arm on my bed, looking deeply into my eyes as if she was searching for something.2
"So," I asked icily, "What did they drug me with this time."3
She looked disturbed, as if I was asking her to cut my throat and hand me from the ceiling to bleed to death, and though at this present time that sounded appealing, I wanted to get to the core of my fate. For I knew this time,I would not escape wit being deemed problematic or simply depressed. I knew this time they all thought I was insane, and I loved it with a passion, I loved to play mind games with there heads, manipulate there compassion. It was a cheap thrill for what there happiness cost me.4
"Morphine love."5
I nodded, I already knew that, I just wanted to hear her tone of voice when she said it, I wanted to hear her pain. I nodded again, "Very well done mother, and who's side are you on again?"6
She flipped her hair back behind her shoulders and proceeded to rub her red blood-shot, tired eyes. "I'm not on anyones side, I was trying to help you ease the pain, and you were rather delusional love."7
Ah yes, the delusional speech, I had heard it one to many times before, each time being more pathetic and wasteful than the last.8
"In what sense was I being delusionl mother, for as far as I can tell, I am pretty sane the last time I checked."9
She shook her head, "Your very far from being well Reidy, and you damn well know it to, and let me tell you this self distructing pattern you go going on, is only going to get worse before it gets better."10
I shook my head, looking up at the ceiling and smiled, "I guess I will be the judge of that, wont I ?"11
She shook her head, taking a deep breath, and looked at me, 'You are going to rehab," she whispered, choking on her sentance.12
My eyes widened, "You mean to say there instututionalising me in a loony bin."13
She shook her head, "Rehab for the clincily depressed," she said, letting a tear escape her eye.14
I smiled wickedly, so I had been deemed insane, and depressive, had they finally seen my cry for a death wish, was someone listening to my prayers. 15
"Don't you mean insane, because I find myself more insane than depressed, but if that's what they want then I accept the vacation."16
My mothers lips grew tight as she squinted her eyes in anger, I knew that face, I Knew she was pissed of, she was just another time bomb ticking away. "STOP IT, just stop it at once, you selfish little bitch, can't you just for once in your like show some remorse for your actions, and consider the feeling of the people who car about and love you."17
I held my head high, watching her fall to peices, it was so easy, all had to do was pick and poke at her untill she snapped, like she already had, but I did not feel descuraged by her verbal abuse, rather I enjoyed infuraiting her to the point that she snapped right out of her holy ways. 18
"I will start showing remorse when you take that self righteous pole out of your ass and stop mocking and questioning, my beliefs and faith."19
She cringed at my retaliation, it looked like it had hit hard, but I loved to see her quiver under my intergation.20
"Kerry is dead, end of story, and you need some time away to think that over, so that when you can finally move on, you can move on with peace in mind."21
I smirked, "They should be putting you into rehab mother, your more fucked up than I am, if you think that I will ever forget Kerry."
Author notes
Urm I will spellcheck and grammar check it later ... just need an overall feel for this part....
since I can't spell very well and spell check is spitting the dummy... so if it's really bad ..ingnore it
In a list
Honest OPINIONS
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Nasty!
Takes a bad turn here. I hope things cheer up a bit! I would include some more humour in it by now. You did that with the funny comment about Kerry before this story (or maybe it was me perceiving it as funny). This is about the time that I'd start to get annoyed at my real-life girlfriend in a real situation and want to walk away!
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I like the way she argues with her mother. It gives a touch of reality because not everyone talks nicely with their mother and not everyone holds their tongue on what they really want to say.
You've brought us reality. Good work
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Perhaps more of a discovery ...
...than you think here....going to disagree with your own words in the comment boxes and that of some of your readers....I think there is a good dose of rather normal teenage rebellion hidden in your story and told from a personal vein.
Although the vehicle and story line touches upon some serious and deep human subjects, there is also an aspect of growing away from parental control that your words and comments exposed and perhaps are also visible in the story itself....dunno
...damn...clicked the wrong key....was gonna say...I do not think she is clinically insane at all, nor disturbed, just obsessed with a love that gave her life purpose when it had none and she feels she must follow with or without the object of her love...and that is not necessarily insanity or disturbed, just driven...which of course, appears to 'normal' people, as completely abnormal...
oh well...my two cents worth...
amicus...
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Paragraph 2: "Her expression not changing with her movement, just remaining the same." You don't need the little bit after the comma.
Paragraph 4: "and hang me from" "escape with being" "what there happiness cost me." The word you're looking for is 'their'.
Paragraph 8: "one too many times"
Paragraph 10: "self-destructing pattern you go going on," I would change the last part of this to, 'you've got going on'. The current is a bit confusing.
Paragraph 15: After the word "depressive", you should end the sentence there and start a new one. And question mark at the end
Paragraph 17: "pissed-off" "just stop it at once, you selfish little bitch, can't you just for once in your like show some remorse for your actions, and consider the feeling of the people who car about and love you." Okay, first, you don't need the "at once" part. End the sentence after "bitch" and start a new one. 'Life' rather than "like". "consider the feelings of the people who care about" Question mark at the end.
Paragraph 18: "watching her fall to pieces. It" "did not feel discouraged" Be careful with word content. You've already used "snapped in this paragraph.
Paragraph 19: "self-righteous" "questioning my beliefs and faith." You don't need the comma there.
Paragraph 20: "retaliation. It" I'm not sure what you mean by "intergation". I looked it up and couldn't find it in the dictionary. Typo?
Paragraph 21: Find somewhere in here to split this up into another sentence or two. "peace in mind", I'm not sure if you mean going on without the insane thoughts of suicide or 'peace of mind'.
-Overall-
I like how you write this. Through Reidy's deranged point of view, the story acquires an insanely unique flare. It's an interesting read from the first word to the last.
So far, everything seems to be going pretty well. I'm looking forward to the next,
-Ephemeral E
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A much better chapter, reading wise, you have worked hard on this one, and yes there are mispelled words, but they are easily fixed.
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Another analysis (Brace Yourself)
In this Chapter, we see how Reidy interacts with the world around her as well as receiving a further insight into, what is a rather disturbing, mind. Reidy's pain becomes apparent in this part and, while it is easy to sympathise with her for her devotion to her dead Lover as well as the pitiful state we find her in. However, any emotion we might have felt for here is lost as she ruthlessly torments her Mother for no reason except pleasure.
This reveals just how far into insanity she had descended and as a Reader, one cannot help but feel sorry for her. We also develop a sense of anger against Kerry for, although we have never met him and have only Reidy's descriptions to base an opinion upon, one cannot help but notice that he is the catalyst for all her of her misery. This is evidence of a great tragedy within the story. Reidy's fault is that her inability to let go of the past is what is keeping her back from recovery. Yet she has to cling to his memory in order to keep some mirage of control on her fragile mind.
Once again, we get a unique and harrowing insight into the mind of a disturbed and confused girl and we see the world through her eyes.
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You have very good character developement, and skill for writing in the third person. I expesally like this part
I knew this time they all thought I was insane, and I loved it with a passion,
It was kind of amusing, yet painful at the same time.
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Excellent!!
Keeps me wanting to read more and more!
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Hah, that chapter was a pip! I like Reidy pushing her Mom's buttons, in many ways I can relate to their relationship. It has some similarities to my own relationship--or lack thereof--with my mother. I still think you're nailing it!
Mother had me commited because I ran away with the circus when I was eighteen--no joke!--and I made her snap in front of my psychiatrist so that EVERYTHING was out on the table, and not just MY problems. It eased therapy somewhat...
So again, Kudos!
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firstly is that not every boys dream at somepoint
I love it--- go you, I dont really have a good relationship with my mother , but I used to though have one with both my parents... at 13 i would go out not come back for days and watch them squirm in fear... an then i'd get hell... sometimes they would ingnore me and pretend I didnt have issues when we all knew I did and I was'nt normal..so instead of letting my depression get me i would play mind games with them... untill I almost got admitted..
back to the story..ur making me smile and be so inspired..... I really am so glad I am nailing it..i really am...it is a constant worry as not so much the grammar and such but if I am getting the storyline right..
love and thank you xoxo
Blair
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Oh, wow. This chapter definitely set out the mother and daughter relationship before our eyes and defined it as: dysfunctional, broken, fading. Wonderful dialogue and balance.
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I love it so far. Great Job!!!! On to more reading woohoo!
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I thought some of the words you chose were out of context. eg. "...but I loved to see her quiver under my intergation." In this sentence interrogation didn't seem applicable to the situation.
"Rehab" was another word I thought was out of context. Rehab brings to mind drug addicts and server spinal injury. Therapy and clinic, perhaps would fit better.
I have no idea why this girl claims insanity, stressed and emotional, I think would be more fitting.
This poor girl seems like she needs to be given space, a good friend, and an environment free of sharp things. -
Good use of description words again, she seemes to be getting more insance and trecheraous by the minute.
Would they really call it Rehab just for people who are Clinically Depressed? Id think it would more just a clinic, Rehab is more for the serious part of life.
Great work again, you are getting better with the sentencing, it's all becoming that little more fluent.
~Lady Madeline. -
Yay! Verbs! Good as your descriptions were in the first three chapters (and they were better than alot I've seen) I'm an actiony type of gal. Dialoge counts as action and this Dialoge was amazing. I'd like a little more about Kerry. You mention him alot but really only that he's dead and Reidy will never forget him. I do like the name Reidy though, it reminds me of Reid on Criminal
Minds (sorry, tv junkie) -
I'm still finding Reidy's character very interesting. Was it just Kerry that destroyed her, or were there other things that led to her troubled emotional state? I can't wait to find out more.
She seems very aloof and cold but I suspect that's her way of protecting herself from others and even protecting herself from herself. -
lol
um ok wow again. This part was really enthralling because it was about a dialog between a mother and her daughter. I laughed at the last line---that was pretty hilarious. It would be surprising, however, if I found myself telling my own mother that after being told I need rehab in the ER. But anyway, keep up the good job!!
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oooh, this brings back memories for me
I remember doing this to my parents and friends when I was feeling self-destructive and while I can see the MC (main character) p.o.v., it still irks me that we all want to change her but can't. Excellent storytelling. Can't wait for the next installment.
DarkOne -
"Don't you mean insane, because I find myself more insane than depressed, but if that's what they want then I accept the vacation."
I loves that line soooo much, hehe ^_^ I just love it how she calls it a vacation. It's a little messed up in grammar though, it should be "Don't you mean insane? I find myself more insane than depressed, but if that's what they want, then I accept the vacation." But I still love it ^^ Great job!!
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Well, I'm glad that you know about the spelling but aside from that your first sentence compelled me to read more. This story is quite interesting and I should read it from the beginnning so I can find out more of the story. Your main character is memorable and with the pain he has for his mother, it makes me want to find out more about her and what she did to make him so bitter. Good story.
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