PROLOGUE 1
23
“Have you ever wondered where all the darkness goes?”4
“What do you mean?”5
“Well, day turns to night and night back to day…but where does it all go?”6
The campfire flickered and danced, casting light and forming shadows on the young boys’ faces. Dusk was beginning to give way to night, and an almost eerie quiet had fallen over the still, thick trees surrounding them. The only sound that could be heard besides the crackling of the fire was the hooting of an owl. But even that fell silent after a moment.7
“Well, the light gets rid of the dark, doesn’t it?” the younger boy answered in typical seven-year-old fashion. The thirteen-year-old, Allan, resisted a small laugh. So typical.8
Allan moved closer to the fire, illuminating his face even more, yet hiding half of it in shadow. “Not quite,” he said softly. He needed to get rid of these silly misconceptions before he carried out his duty. He owed James that much.9
The seven-year-old faltered, his certainty fading. “What do you mean?” he asked in confusion. “Mommy always told me that my nightlight would keep the monsters away.”10
It took Allan a moment to figure out what that had to do with anything. James was associating the nightlight with good and the monsters with dark. And since there weren’t any monsters, James was under the impression that the nightlight kept them away. 11
“Death is the ultimate darkness…and it always wins.” James shivered. “But back to the original question… Have you heard of the Dark Door?”12
“The what?”13
“Hm, right, thought not,” Allan said matter-of-factly. “Right…now where to begin…” He picked up a nearby stick and poked some embers.14
“Start with the Dark Door!” the younger boy said eagerly, leaning forward.15
Allan poked at a few more embers and, without looking up, he said, “No……my story begins with a boy…a boy about my age…there were others before him, of course, many, many others, for hundreds of years….but my story starts with him.”16
It was almost dark now. Allan poked some more embers from the fire.17
“Alright… His name is Tom,” Allan began, looking up at James, “and he is little older than me—he is fourteen. 18
“One night, as he sleeps, he dreams he is standing in front of a steel door. He reaches out, grabs the handle, and opens the door. It’s dark—but something makes him go in…19
“SLAM!” Allan slapped his hands together.20
James, who had been sitting on the balls of his feet, jumped and lost his balance, pitching forward toward the flames. Allan shot his hand through the fire, shoved James backward, and pulled his hand back before getting burned.21
Allan then calmly continued his story:22
“The door slams shut behind him. It’s completely dark. Tom can’t see anything…and I mean anything. But before he can panic, a light comes on in the middle of the room.23
“There’s a podium with a knife on it…In fact,” Allan pulled a knife seemingly out of his back pocket, “it was this knife to be exact.”24
The silver-bladed dagger, ten inches in length, glinted in the firelight. Allan put one finger on the tip of the blade and the other on the blunt end of the handle. He held it up for James to see.25
It was dark now.26
“Well,” Allan continued, “he does the only thing anyone would do: he walks over and picks up the knife.27
“All at once a dark power explodes from the dagger and surges through him while the darkness around him says: ‘Tom—you have been chosen to protect the Dark Door.’28
“‘W-what?’ says Tom.29
“‘There are those who wish to destroy all darkness—all evil. They believe destroying the Dark Door will accomplish this. But those people are ignorant. There has to be darkness for there to be light, and there has to be light for there to be darkness. Destroying the Dark Door would upset a delicate balance,’ says the darkness. ‘It would unleash the most terrible destructive darkness upon the world. It would destroy everything—including the light. You must keep this door safe at all costs.’30
“‘What if I die?’ asks Tom. ‘What happens then?’31
“‘Your soul will wander, continuing its duty, until it finds the perfect replacement,’ replies the darkness.32
“Tom is shivering now. ‘And what about the knife?’ he asks. ‘What does it have to do with anything?’33
“‘That dagger is magical,’ answers the dark, ‘and you must protect that dagger at all costs. Understand?’34
“‘Why?’ asks Tom fearfully.35
“The Darkness doesn’t answer his question. ‘You must protect that with your life. Understand?’ it says again.36
“Trembling, Tom nods as he feels himself slipping back to reality…” Allan hesitated, unsure…then he said, “But I’ll let you in on a little secret known only to me and two others…now four: this dagger, the Dark Dagger, is made of the same magic as the Dark Door. Both are a unique blend of both dark and light magic and as such, the Dark Dagger is the only object that can destroy the Dark Door. Guard this secret well, James.”37
James nodded enthusiastically 38
His story finished, Allan grabbed the stick again and started poking and pushing the glowing embers while the fire danced and jumped and crackled. His face was grim. He would have to do it soon.39
“What happened next?” James asked eagerly, wanting to hear the rest.40
“Nothing really,” Allan said with a small shrug. “Tom woke up and found the Dark Dagger sheathed on a belt beside his bed. He lived his life according to his duty. When he died, his soul wandered for ten years before finding me. Although, I still wish he’d given the dagger to me in a dream, like his predecessor, instead of yanking me across worlds.”41
“What?” James asked. 42
Allan shook his head. “Never mind. It’s not important.”43
The boys were silent for a moment; the only sound was the crackling of the fire.
You have to do this, you know. It’s for the best, said a voice inside his head.44
I know, but that doesn’t mean I want to, Allan replied.45
You have to, said the voice, urgently. No matter what—if you don’t, he’ll grow up to—46
I know that! Allan snapped. God, he didn’t want to do this.47
Just remember that…the Seer is a reliable one…she’s never wrong, said the voice softly.48
I really wish she was, Allan whispered.49
I know…so do I.50
“That was a great story, Allan,” James said at last.51
Allan looked up at him. “Who said it was a story?”52
The small boy jolted. “You mean it’s real?” James cried. He jumped up, rushed around the fire and knocked the dagger out of Allan’s hand into the flames. “Allan, how could you? That thing’s—that’s—it came from Darkness, bad stuff! It’s evil!”53
Calmly, without taking his eyes off James, Allan began to grope around the embers and flames of the burning fire. His fingers wrapped around the blade’s handle, and he pulled it out. Both Allan and the dagger were unscathed.54
James stumbled back, fell to the ground and cried, “Mommy! Daddy!”55
Allan stood up and said grimly, “They won’t come.”56
“W-what do you mean?” James asked.57
“I didn’t come alone. My friend’s keeping them busy,” Allan said. Then he added hastily, “But they’re alright. I promise.”58
Tears began to stream down James’s face, and he shivered.59
“Why are you doing this?” James asked. “You’re like my big brother.”60
“SHUT UP!” Allan shouted. “JUST SHUT UP, I’M NOT ANYTHING TO YOU!”61
James scrambled back. 62
Allan took several deep, shuddering breaths, eyes closed. When he finally opened them, a hollow detachment had fallen over him. “You see, James,” Allan said, “you are a danger—a serious danger—to the Dark Door…and I—as well as others—can’t allow that.”63
James began to back way. “Please…”64
Allan looked away. “I’m sorry, but I have to…” He paused before whispering, “Forgive me.”65
Allan lunged forward—there was a flash of silver—and a scream filled the air, turning quickly to a gurgle. 66
Allan stood next to the campfire while James lay there, his breathing soft and ragged, his eyes glazed. Allan dropped to his knees beside him and took his hand. James’s head turned toward Allan listlessly.67
“I’m sorry, James, I’m so sorry, please forgive me,” Allan said, crying.
It took Allan a moment to realize the life had left James’s eyes, and his hand had gone completely limp. Allan began to tremble...he was covered in blood…warm blood, James’s blood…68
Just before a scream ripped from his throat, a black-haired figure dashed out of the woods, grabbed him around the waist and hauled him away.69
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Author notes
This a rough draft. Any comments on how to improve it would be greatly appreciated--especially, the section where Allan is telling the story of Tom's dream.
In a list
Comments
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Forgot the points
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I like the beginning and it is the first story I've read today that doesnt have many spelling mistakes. I love this quote "There are those who wish to destroy all darkness—all evil. They believe destroying the Dark Door will accomplish this. But those people are ignorant. There has to be darkness for there to be light, and there has to be light for there to be darkness." This story is amazing and I want to read more
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Overall verdict: good
P18[“Alright… His name is Tom,” Allan began, looking up at James, “and he is little older than me—he is fourteen.] - I would say: ...His name was Tom since you are talking in past tense.
P23[Tom can’t see anything…and I mean anything.] - I would say Tom can't see anything and I mean nothing. and put emphasis on the "nothing". Saying it as you have makes it sound like there is something.
P30[Destroying the Dark Door would upset a delicate balance,’ says the darkness.] - this confuses me. First, you say the dagger is speaking to him and now you say the darkness. Be clear on what you mean here ^_^
P30[‘It would unleash the most terrible destructive darkness upon the world.] - This is really awkwardly worded. Try: It would unleash the most terrible and destructive darkness upon the world or something like that.
P44[You have to do this, you know. It’s for the best, said a voice inside his head.] - I know you are saying inside Allan's head here but I would use his name instead of "his" just so you don't confuse the reader.
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Okay, the beginning was a really slow starter but once you got to the part about how it wasn't just a scary campfire story, I got really into it. Overall, you have a nice piece. Just spice up the beginning and give a little more life to your characters and I think this will turn out well. -
This looks very promising. I would like to read on once you finish the first chapter or whatever. A very interesting concept it reminds me of something but i'm not sure what. I write mostly horror but mine is a bit more phsycological or abstract than this... you should check out some of my stuff.
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This preface is promising a huge story with several sequences and 'sub-plots'. Ending was good...dialogues are average...please work on this. Overall, good starting of a bumper thing.
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Good, but some suggestions.
You played a lot of cards in one hand. That is to say, you gave too much away already. I understand that this is the beginning of a story and you need to get the premise down, but do only that. The Dark Door, dagger, Allan's friends, the Seer...they're all good, mysterious things to intrigue readers, but don't drop names and ideas like they're nothing. The second half of this was better than the first, as it revealed some of Allan's motivation, which must be shown early on no matter what. Overall proofreading could help this become better than it already is. It is an interesting premise, I hope to see more from it.
Poor James. =(
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The story and the concept are good. At least what we glimpse of it here.
Though, as a prologue it feels a bit strange, but I can´t quite put me finger on why. Maybe it´s too long ... too much exposition so early perhaps? You might try condensing it. Just my opinion of course.
The writing and dialogue were very well done though. I especially liked the part Allan shouted that "he wasn´t anything" to James.
A little more description might be good. Especially of the boys.
You should definitely go with the idea, and keep on writing.
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Thanks for commenting! Hm, I'll see what I can do about condensing it. I'm currently doing some heavy editing on this, and I'll post the revised version soon. Maybe it'll feel less strange then.
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i think this story is very interesting. this is my first post and even though i am sure my word dosn't mean much. it is a good story
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Great
Very interesting. I plan on reading the rest of the series asap. Great climax
Great work overall
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wow really sweet. I like the plot and the characters but i don't feel their personalities being reflected through their dialogue. And it seems that some important details are missing and Proof READ. Besides that wicked job. I really liked it. Can't wait to read more!
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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yes, this is truly great and exciting but... like Saphina said... you're dialogue has to have description or it wouldn't make sense... but other than that it still awesome!!!
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I really liked this. A great sense of realism despite the fantasy aspect that plays a big part in this story so realism really is quite a feet. You kept the characters human, with reactions like that of any childen their age. Well written with a nice climax at the end which still left lots of questions and reasons for the reader to come back for more. Really well written, I enjoyed it immensely.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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This was very well written; I like your sense of timing and drama.
As for the story-telling section, perhaps you could tell the story of Tom first, maybe in italics, with no quotation marks or interruptions, and then when it is finished, have the next line be by James, saying, "That was a great story, Allan." Then you can set the current scene as it is.
A little more detail would set that scene better; they're at a campfire surrounded by trees, but that's all we really know, right? A little more narration to balance out the good dialogue you already have, and this'll be a SUPER story!
Great job! -
kool!!!
reali gud -
Very nice! The story and the characters are really engaging. The dialog works very well...though I think you could add more description. I will have to read the next chapter, I am very interested to find out what happens to Allen. He is such an interesting character, there is an underlying tragedy to him that really draws me in.
Thank you for posting this. It is a wonderfull read!
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I loved the way Allan explained about the Dark Door instead of just attacking James. To me it made Allan's apology seem so much more sincere. He wanted James to understand why he was killing him, I liked that.
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Thank you for your review, and I'm glad you liked it! ^_^ If you're interested in reading more of this (which I know is unlikely given its been months since I posted this ^_~) I have just posted the next chapter.
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oh wow....thats sad..i would like to read more though. Great job!
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I know it has been a while, but if you would still like to read more, I have just recently put up the next chapter. Hope you like that one, too!
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whoa that was great it was simple in an advanced way which is hard to find you were great at everything and im now wishing to here more
whats to come of allan? -
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Thank you! I hope the rest of the story can live up to that. And, if you are still wishing for more, the next chapter has just been posted. Thank you again for your review!
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Improvements?
Whoa, this is simply splendid. You don't need much improvement on this piece of writing. In fact, I don't think there's any need for ANY improvement...at least not in my opinion.
Well written, gripping, and enough to bring out the emotions in me. Just the way I like it. Cheers, keep it up. -
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Wow. That's a lot of praise! Dang, I really wish I can keep it up then! If you are interested, I have just posted the next chapter. Thanks again!
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Wow that is soooo cool. Great descriptions and EVERYTHING! Well done.
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Thank you! I've just put of the next chapter if you wish to read it.
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awsome!
Very cool! i loved the way you described what it was like in the begining and stuff! like how you described the shadows, and the sounds. I love detail. * gives thumbs up * peace.
p.s
do you think you could comment my story? L.S.A.D.H its called, thanks you dont have to though.
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Thank you! I really do hope I can keep it up! I know it has been a while, but I have just put up the next chapter, and if you still want me to comment on your story (or any of your stories) I will. Thank again for your review!
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WELL DONE
I really liked this story. It was gripping and quite well written. The last paragraph seemed a little, mind due only a very little bit, hasty, and I didn't think it added up to the rest of the story's potential, but I loved it all the same. I definitely want to read some more, and hope you will keep writing this.
The start was especially good, and it flowed well into the middle, which is lucky, because unless the start interests me and keeps interesting me, I won't read it. (I actually read this one twice!!!!)
It was a compelling story with a seemingly well-thought up, or at least partly thought up story line. The spelling was immaculate and the grammar was near perfect.
WELL DONE!!!
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 1, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Thank you! To be perfectly honest, I feel the last paragraph is a bit rushed as well, and when I finally go back and edit the entire thing in light of the reviews for all the chapters, I will see what I can do with it.
You read it twice? Sweet! Thank you so much for your review. I realize it has been a while since I first posted this story, but if you are still interested in it, I have posted the next chapter. I hope it can live up to your expectations. Thank you once again!
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This was a really well written and gripping story. I was sucked in right from the start. I love the feel of it and the descriptions, and I was on the verge of literally screaming "no don't kill James!" I felt really bad for the little boy. I didn't find any mistakes in this at all. My one and only suggestion was the very last line I wasn't sure if you meant the dark haired person took Allan (I was thinking that it was Allan cuz he was the one about to scream so I figured he was the one the sentence was about) or maybe James's dead body. That confusion is quite possibly just me though. Anyways, wonderful job on this.
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Thank you! I'm really glad I was able to suck you in like that! It's awesome!
Yes, the figure in the last line took Allan. I will look over the last line to see if there is anyway to make it clearer. Thank you for your comment!
P.S. If you are interested in reading more, I have just recently posted the next chapter. Thank you once again!
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Well Done!
The story did a wonderful job at yanking me in right from the start. Immediately I wanted to know more about the story. I loved the tale about the dark door and how it was narrated by Allan.
At the end I felt a deep sorrow for the loss of James. For your story to make me feel sad about it is a sign to me that you did a great job telling what was going on.
I wanted to give you soem critiquing because you mentioned it was a rough draft, but I feel you have a natural talent at telling this story and I have no way to improve upon what you did. I hope there is more to this story that will explain the dark figure from the woods.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Thank you! I know it's been several months since I posted this, but if you are still interested in reading more, I have just recently posted the next chapter. I hope the rest of the story will live up to the Prologue. Thank you once again!
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It made me feel fear for James and sorrow for Allan. This is well written and I like the use of dialogue and action to move the story along. You did a good job of pulling the reader into the story from the first line and keeping us interested all the way to the end and then wanting more. I am very curious about what this story is about and that is wonderful because it is hard to catch my attention! Write more...I want to read it
!! Excellent story so far!
Lauren
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Thank you for reading and reviewing! Reviews make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. ^_^ It's been several months since you reviewed this, however if you still want to read more, I have just posted the next chapter. I hope to have chapters coming out more frequently after this.
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o.o
I got chills...
I am now going to look for more of this awesomeness. If there isn't any, I will waste no tim ein beginning to cry.
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Thanks! If you're still interested, I just posted another chapter of (hopefully) "this awesomeness." Thanks again!
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The writing is clear and easy to follow. The author portrays emotions well and creates tense situations with ease.
Well, prologues can fool you. So I’m not going to comment or even guess at the plot behind this opening. If it has something to do with the murder of the child, I can’t figure how the author plans to tie this into an ongoing story, since we already know James is dead.
Taken as a single piece, it is well written, scary and yet sad. One youngster murdering another isn’t a situation that appeals to me. The fact that in a future time James will become a menace to the balance of light and dark is perhaps reason enough for other boys to understand why Allen kills him.
JMHO I think you could use something more to show when James becomes aware Allen is about to attack him. It just seems like he knows before Allen actually threatens him.
The writing is clear and easy to follow. The author portrays emotions well and creates tense situations with ease. The dialogue is fairly smooth though at times Allen sounds older than 13. I am curious to see where the story is heading from here.
Geri
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Yes, prologues can fool you; I just hope that the prologue doesn't give people high expectations that I don't fulfill!
Thank you for your review! I'll go back over the story and see what I can do about James' reaction. Why Allan sounds older than 13 is "explained" (its really going to be more like something you pick up as you read) in later chapters.
If you are still interested in where the story is headed after all these months, I have just posted the next chapter.
Thanks again for your review!
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Sad yet gripping
it's saddening yet gripping for the threat to the Dark Door, yet the future is ever changing.. he might be a threat and yet not... we will never know. Great way to show a grey area in the moral compass...
DarkOne
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Thank you! Don't tell anyone I told you this, but there is going to be a bit of twist concerning James death. That, unfortantly, will be revealed in the second book of the series; if you wish to stick around that long, you might find it interesting.
P.S. If you are interesting in reading more, I have just posted the next chapter. Thanks again for your review!
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The beginning lines were awesome! Very deep, thoughtful question involved. Definitely caught my attention. There were a couple of places that quotations should not be, because it was description, not dialogue. You definitely have a great imagination into the dark realm. I think there should be more paralyzing shock in James' dialogue and feelings instead of awe and fear. But so far this rough draft is awesome! I can't wait to read more of it...
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Thank you! I will look over the story again to see if I can find the places you are talk about where there were quotations around description. Where they during Allan's story when Allan was descriping things to James? If they were, then the quoations should be there. But, anyway, I'll look over it again to see if I can find them.
I know it's been several months since you reivewed this, but if you are still interested in reading more, I have just posted the next chapter. Thanks again for your review!
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O my gosh!!! You need to post more of this so I can finally read it. This is really good. Devon rules!!!
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Ha, ha! Thank you, Vail! I just posted the next chapter if you're interested! I just hope the rest of the story lives up to this. I'm afraid, with all the good reviews I've gotten (not that good reviews are bad or anything), that I might not be able to keep it up. ;_;
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The whole storyline is awesome. I've just came back from a camp recently and this gave me the chills. Great job. I love reading this kind of stuff. I feel so bad for Allan...The beginning lines really pulled me in.
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Thank you! I'm glad you like it! If you are still interested in this story, I just posted the next chapter.
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whoa that was really really fucking good.. I hope ur planning on continueing.... the onlt thing would be ...in my eyes to make them older.....or something..but other than that allan is MEANNNN
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Thank you! I'm really glad you liked it! If you're still interested, I AM going to continue this. In fact, I just posted the next chapter. If you do read, I hope your opinion of Allan changes. He's really very huggable. *hugs Allan*
Thanks again for your review! It's very much appreciated!
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