Gone Crazy, Be back Soon

Was I Ever Normal…1

Before it started when I was a little girl 2

Who hadn’t seen what the world could do3

To innocent bystanders4

That meant no harm,5

Was I normal then?6

Can I even remember those days?7

Or is my view of them jaded8

From everything that’s happened since then?9

When did the illness grab hold of me?10

And carry me away in its claws?11

To a world filled with 12

Colorful little pills 13

In small paper cups 14

And double locked doors 15

And beds that are bolted16

Down to the floor17

And have little slots in the corners of them18

For the nurses to slide restraints19

Through to fasten down an internally injured soul20

When did I start my journey there?21

I think…22

It started when I was born23

And the world was more colorful24

Brighter25

And too full of danger26

And I was too receptive 27

And too sensitive.28

The kind of baby29

I was the kind of baby that stayed up all night30

With colic31

And seemed to cry for hours32

I was the kind of baby 33

That seemed to have an extra capacity 34

For love and making an adult smile35

I was the kind of baby who learned fast and furiously36

And spoke early37

But walked late38

My mom brought me into work39

A lot40

She would show me off to all the other teachers41

Who would ooh and ahh42

As I aced the baby IQ tests43

And surpassed all their expectations44

So even then45

Even then I wasn’t really normal46

But what is normal anyway?47

Besides a reading on a thermometer?48

As I grew older49

I did everything every thing early50

Maybe that was the problem, 51

I did everything early and then I just 52

Ran out of things to do53

And got stuck floundering around in a strange limbo world54

I read so early 55

That I was way beyond my peers 56

When it came time for kindergarten57

I went anyway58

But it was horrible59

I didn’t fit in60

I was out of place61

Nothing I did was right according to them.62

I wasn’t normal according to them63

But what is normal anyway?64

Besides a judgement?65

I skipped66

First grade67

It would have been too easy for me,68

So my parents put me in second69

I still didn’t fit in70

I still threw temper tantrums every night at home71

The littlest things would set me off72

And I wouldn’t be able to calm down 73

For hours74

I think that’s when The Others 75

Came into my life76

I guess I kind of invited them in77

I was lonely and needed friends78

They were there for me79

When ever I needed them80

They understood me81

Unlike the obnoxious little, upper middle class, brats82

At my private Jewish day school83

Who excluded me out of every club they started.84

I started my own club,85

It was just for me86

And Greta,87

And James88

And Fellingham89

They were my friends90

But no one else could see them91

No one else could hear them92

It started93

One day in school94

I was at morning recess on the playground95

I was sitting in the yellow tunnel96

That led to the blue slide97

And I was thinking about 98

Jumping off the top of the slide99

Just to get some attention100

“I think it’s a good idea”101

The voice came from next to me102

I whipped around and She103

Was there104

She was a girl,105

My age106

And she had longish red hair107

She was wearing a blue Jean jumper 108

With a pink T-shirt underneath109

Her tights were pink too,110

And one of her eyes were blue111

The other one was green.112

I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen113

I knew she was special114

Because she was shimmering around the edges115

And a slightly transparent in certain areas116

I figured this was what people meant117

When they said they had an imaginary friend118

I asked her119

And she said yes.120

She was my imaginary friend121

And I smiled122

Because I’d never had an imaginary friend before.123

That night at dinner124

I told my mom that I had an imaginary friend125

I told my mom that her name was Greta126

I told my mom what she was wearing127

And that she’d played hopscotch with me128

And that we’d swung on the swings129

Together130

Mommy smiled and exclaimed to Daddy131

“What a wonderful imaginations she has”132

Daddy agreed and we finished eating our stir fry tofu133

I was happy that they approved134

Of my new friend135

It never occurred to me that Greta136

Was different then other kid’s imaginary friends137

I didn’t know138

That other kids139

Couldn’t see their imaginary friends140

Couldn’t hear their imaginary friends141

And couldn’t smell the bubble gum scent142

Of their imaginary friends143

I thought that 144

For once I was normal145

Maybe146

If they had stayed with me only until I was ten or so147

Then I would have been okay148

Maybe if they had faded away149

Into the place where all imaginary friends go150

As children get to old for them151

Maybe then I would have been okay152

Instead I met James153

Later that year of second grade dreams and hopes and fears154

He came while I was playing Mancala with Greta155

He dressed differently then other children I knew156

When I asked him why157

He explained that he was from 1904158

I didn’t bother to ask him how159

He’d gotten to the year 1997160

I just accepted by then161

That sometimes weird things happened to me162

And I figured163

That sometimes weird things happened to everyone164

And I never heard about them165

Because they were the kind of things no one talked about166

Ever167

I never mentioned James to my parents168

Ever.169

Fellingham170

He was different from Greta and James171

He was an adult man172

He wasn’t nice173

He said mean things to me174

Called me names 175

And tried to scare me176

Sometimes Fellingham made me cry177

I let him in my club178

And tried to play with him179

Because I thought that I could change him180

What a typical six year old though181

Thinking that you can change someone so easily182

Fellingham was the only one that didn’t fade away183

Into the background of my childhood184

As I got older I saw and heard less and less185

Of Greta and James186

And saw more and more of Fellingham187

And two new beings,188

One of them I didn’t ever see189

He was more of a bodiless voice in my head190

That at times would overpower even my own thoughts191

As he narrated what I was doing 192

And when and why193

He was like the narrator in some twisted194

Modern195

Fairy tale.196

The other one was a women197

She had a pretty baby blue sweater198

And a gentle voice that sang every sentence like a gentle lullaby199

Sometimes I'd feel a hand stroking my back200

and I'd know it was her201

Sometimes Fellingham would yell at her202

chase her away203

sometimes this would make me cry204

I think if I had to put a marker down205

at the part in my life when I went crazy206

I'd put it at the day Fellingham 207

first made me cry208

For me the definition of crazy 209

is being in mental pain and agony.