Chapter one - part two #1
In the ambulance, the lights shone depressingly, they shone in my eyes, making it hard for me to see and to concentrate on the pain, not that I wanted to, but it did make me forget some of it at least, but not all of it, and it didn't take my mind of my failed attempt of suicide.2
The man in the front messaged the hospital, "Patient now in stable condition, regular heart beat and breathing, slight knock to the head, and slight concussion, bruises on upper abdomen, and is bleeding from several severe wounds on her arms and lower legs."3
My mother sat beside me, I watched as her eyes darted towards me. Stirring, she cupped my hand in her own, tears of relief and fear in her eyes, streaming down her red, flushed cheeks.4
I tried to move my head, but could not, the pain being to unbearable. It felt as if a knife had been jabbed into my throat and had been left there awaiting the moment someone would come alone and wrench it out, like they would cut me, right to my upper back, were an immense pain lay, sending ripples of vibrations throughout my nerves system, like someone had ripped out my spine, or part of it was left , poking out from the skin of my back. I felt my arm twitching with pins and needles as I lowered it to my naked thigh, underneath the sheet that had been wrapped around my cold, wet body. I moved my hand up towards my stomach and then to my breast, realizing in embarrassment that I had not been clothed after the attempt.5
I looked up at my mother, who's attention had now been shifted to the road outside, and squeezed her hand tightly.6
She turned around, wiping her nose on her sleeve, and pulled the sheet up, tight around my body, so as no air could seep in.7
"I'm naked mum," I some-how managed to whisper, I thought that it was strange that I was so concerned about me being exposed to strangers, especially when my body was in so much pain. Though I knew it had been exposed to another male, or males, depending on the ambulance crew. I had been exposed to someone other than Kerry, and for this I was enraged.8
Immediately I began to panic, what if they had seen the cuts, my bruises, or Kerry's name carved into my thigh. What would Kerry think, to know that another man had seen my naked body ?9
"Mum I need my clothes," I whispered, trying to get up from the stretcher they had laid me on.10
She tried to lay me back down, "You will have to wait till we get inside the hospital love, you had no clothes with you."11
I tried to sit up again, knowing very well that I had left my clothes on the Jetty. "On the jetty, with the note I left them there, we have to go back and get my clothes."12
"No Reidy, when we get to the hospital they will get you some clothes to wear, until I go home and get some of your own, so just relax Reidy, it's all right."13
I pulled the sheet tightly around me, beginning to feel nervous, shaking with anxiety. "Tell the man to turn around and get my clothes."14
My mother stared at me with confusion at my demand. "There were no clothes Reidy., I just now told you that, and if there were don't you think you would be clothed by now, so don't be so self conscious, no one is looking at you or watching you, all right?"15
I shook my head, pain seeping through my veins, " I'm naked, I need some clothes, they are watching me, they have all seen me, they will make Kerry angry, they already have, I know they have."16
The man sitting close to mum, who I had not seen until now, looked over at mum, holding a syringe in his hand. I pretended not to notice, gripping lightly onto the bed.17
"Reidy, love, Kerry is not here anymore, we have been through this, he is not alive anymore, so you can't keep blaming and regretting the things you say and do, in case you think he might see you, you have to move on sweet heart."18
Still holding her hand, I pinched it hard, making her flinch and pull her hand back away in pain, "Kerry is as much alive as you and I both are, I hate to know that I didn't succeed with dying, and being with him, and now I am here, stuck down in this shit hole of an existence, with a pack of pretentious self absorbed skeptics." I hit the stretcher, immediately regretting it, as an immense amount of pain, flew up my arm and throughout my body, causing my every nerve to shiver. "JESUS", I screamed, grabbing my mother hand, and gripped it tightly, trying to rid myself of the agonizing pain.19
The man in the chair, who had been sitting close to my mother, stood up, walking over and whispered something in her ear. My mother nodded, as the man advanced towards me, immediate panic hit the core of my heart, and it began racing, pumping the blood through out my body. I stretched out my arm in agony, knowing what was about to happen, and scratched my mothers arm in an attempt of support, causing only more pain to shoot through out my arm and shoulder, but this time I didn't care. I tried to sit up again, this time the pain was excruciating.20
"GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME YOU BASTARD," I screamed, pulling the sheet up over my face and the rest of my body, shaking violently, my fear of needles, almost causing me to be sick. I lay back down attempting to scrunch myself up into a ball, my arms and legs in agony, I couldn't let him touch me. "GO AWAY,GET AWAY FROM ME," I screamed, as he lay his hand upon me, I shook him of violently, trying to salvage myself from the pain, I was about to encounter, from God knows what medication he was about to inject me with, trying to protect myself.21
"No, you cant touch me, go away," I cried, as he asked my mother to hold me down. 22
She nodded holding my arm tightly, as he injected the medication into my arm with speed, it was all over before I had a chance to squirm or attempt another escape from his grasp.23
Slowly I stopped struggling, as I felt the blood pumping through my veins. The tears streaming down my sore cheeks. I began to feel drowsy, and suddenly a little nauseous, as my breathing and heart beat went back to it's normal rate, and pace.24
"I hate you, " I whispered, closing my eyes my body feeling slightly numb, my mind delirious. I had been drugged, I could tell that, a familiar sense of awareness , as if she remembered this from a time long before, it was a familiar sensation.25
The mans arm lay rested on my arm, as he reached for a pulse, twisting my wrist softly. I watched him, not in any mood to be pushing him away, and even if I wanted to, my body wouldn't allow it.26
I closed my eyes, telling myself that it was easier not watching him, as he watched me, scanning my body like a pervert he was, like they all are, like sick perverts, all men are,who make detailed examinations of womens bodies for there own sick pleasures. I hated them all, and I especially hated my mother.27
Why could they have just let me be, let me drown in my self awayness, my insanity, my need to be with Kerry. I swore if ever got out of hospital deemed sane, I would do it again, and again, and again, until I finally succeeded, until I made Kerry proud. I hated the fact that these people were so invasive, could they not see the happiness that devoured my every existence.28
I felt cold and bare, not even having the strength to cover myself anymore. My tears had stopped, I was a mess. Suddenly it all started to drown out, the noise the light, I felt sleepy and relaxed I couldn't say a word, I just lay there, silently, emotionally shattered and broken.
Author notes
Hay this is the second part of my series, go easy it took me 6 hours to hand write figure out and type, above other things..
I wanna say thanks to Darkone85 and Mr typo for helping me and listening to me drone on about the fight i'm having with the main character.... guys its appreciated
I look forward to reaching my goal of 10 k in a weeks time.. wish me luck guys xoxo
In a list
Honest OPINIONS
Comments
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Okay, great launch straight away into the second chapter. The way you make it understood about both the suicide attempt and the characters feelings on this, are both very well written in, you undderstsand it in just a few lines.
The description of the characters state after her attempt is also very good, and it sounds very well researched (I smell a medical encyclopedia.....maybe)
I think the flow is then still great, and I love how she shows such vunerability to her mum, just a whispered admission, in a way, of her embarressment. It shows her youth, and also her relationship with her mum.
It is strange why she is so much more concerned with her clothes than her well-being, but you can understand it at the same time, as she feels that she is being unfaithful to Kerry's memory in some way.
You have also portrayed the character very well with her anger, the whole paragraphs with her really showing emotion, screaming and shouting flow really well.
It is also interesting seeing her opinions on men, they seem a little psychotic, but it seems this will be unfolded more further on in the chapters ahead.
The end of the chapter calms the scene down a little, but that is perfect for this chapter, as after all the action, calming it down allows you to really think over what has just happened.
Another great chapter, really filling out a little more information on the character, and letting us know more about her actual mindset.
Mirry
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Hmmm...I finally have gotten back to this. I
the title of this novel. This chapter was a good one. I like how you sort of wrote this in abstract description so the reader is not really sure what the hell is going on all the time. I kinda dig that.
So, we have Reidy who tried to kill herself but was not successful. Apparently Kerry is dead (?) or is he? I don't fucking know! But I can't wait to find out!
Of course, at some point it will be time to edit and when you're ready, let me know.
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Exciting
You really captured an intense feeling here. Apart from the wrong word "Nerves" being used, it was near perfect. Strangely, it reminded me of an ex-girlfriend. It was her personality to a tee. I also have a little wooden painted house with the name Kerry on it at home, so it was a bit weird. It's a good build up to what's next...
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Your descriptions are uncanny =D
This is really good.
Reidy is a very powerful character. I enjoy reading her experiences :] -
Intense character study...
...of an obsessed and deeply troubled young woman. A great deal of anger and violence and hatred and maybe even self loathing here, makes it a painful yet compelling read.
Very good beginning to what I know has turned into a very long story, shall be interesting to follow...
thank you...
amicus...
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Once again we get to look into the mind of a girl devastated by loss. This part allows us to have a deeper look into her thoughts and feelings. We are looking at the world as she would. Of course, one of the problems for a reader is that, in the First Person Perspective, what she describes and what she thinks are biased and that she may be twisting the facts to better suit her own view.
The feelings of pain are well explained and the concern that her Mother shows is evident and described beautifully.
We are also given more insight into how mentally unstable Reidy really is. Now we see how badly affected she is by the trauma and this builds on what we learned in the first part. We also see how quickly she resorts to aggression when she fails to see how others are trying to help her. She attempts to use physical strength to overcome her mental weaknesses and also her lack of ability to explain how deeply she feels for the tragedy. The physical damage that she has inflicted upon herself is now a manifestation of the mental damage she has suffered. Also reflective of this is the obsessive need for her clothes, to protect her body and preserve it the way that it was when Kerry was alive. She attempts in vain to defend that memory by keeping herself 'pure' so to speak. And, worse is how she maintains that she will continue in her efforts to kill herself is a depressing realisation by the reader that this is not a one off event.
Not since J.D Salinger's portrayal of Holden Caufield have I read such brilliant and in-depth analysis of a character. Keep it up and I hope that this continues through the rest of this story.
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awaiting the moment someone would come alone(along) and wrench it out, 5
"I'm naked mum," I some-how (I think is should be somehow) managed to whisper, 8
I shook him of(romove, or fix, wordings odd) violently, trying to salvage myself from the pain,I was about to encounter, 21
"No, you can(')t touch me, go away," I cried, as he asked my mother to hold me down. 22
Why could(n't) they have just let me be,
I swore if (I) ever got out of hospital deemed sane,
I love it, this is great. Your ability to describe emotion is amazing.
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So descriptive and so realistic... you are a truly skilled writer
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The anxiety that Reidy felt throughout was portrayed really well. It lends a lot of reality to the story, and makes the reader want more. There's alomst an air of horror to the story at this point,
Very nice write!
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scott ^_^
well up untill about the eight part I had no idea what the story was and just went with the flow, putting myslef in her shoes while trying to create something unique..I had not really thought about that much the elements and themes... so It is nice to know at this point even I had added a slight air of horror...
I hopes it would be a good write and I hope you continue !
love and thank you very much
Blair
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Great chapter! I am shocked at how well you portray the fear and anxiety. Makes me want to write better, lol. Thank you for the inspiration...I will go to bed for now but read more tomorrow.
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I'm getting hooked.
Paragraph 2: Try, 'the lights reflected in my eyes shown depressingly,' or something similar. Again, what you have here is worded a bit oddly.
Paragraph 5: 'too unbearable' 'come along' 'nervous system' Something that I just remembered and forgot to mention in the last review of part 1, is your run-on sentences. They're really hurting your writing. Comma after comma after comma...it gets kind of tiring and it doesn't give the reader time to stop and take in what s/he has read. Fixing this will really help what you have and make it a lot easier for your readers to understand what you've writtnen. Not necessarily because you didn't write it properly, but because you've not given the reader time to digest the new information. Keep this in mind.
Paragraph 19: 'mother's hand'
Paragraph 20: 'througout' one word
Paragraph 21: 'off violently,'
Paragraph 28: 'self-awareness,' ? 'if I ever got out...' 'my very existence'
Paragraph 29: 'layed there,'
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You've got a good thing going here and I'm eager to see where you go with it. You're doing a great job with portraying the girl's emotions and explaining her thought process. However, adding a bit more description and imagery would also help you story a bit. Just a suggestion though.
I hope nothing I'm saying is offending you, if it is though, just let me know.
-Gito
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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You show how tormented she is so well, this was extremely well written. There was so much emotion, you showed her being self conciois very well. I don't think I could fault this, I look forward to the next chapter.
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Heartbreaking and perhaps even better than the origina;part. I love the part when she is really worried about people seeing her naked body because of Kerry-it's so painful and realistic. Great storyline theaded through it...Good stuff!!
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Good
I liked it. The piece is not only highly detailed but also written pretty well. -
Right I like this story idea and will continue to read on. I have read the first part and will read on to part five.
As I have stated before you need to double check your work.
I use a programme called 'Whitesmoke' it catches spelling and is mainly a grammar programme. Either that or read it aloud and see if it sounds right.
It may help you with commas and so on.
I would edit this too, but I have very little time. So for now I am reading only.
Sarah.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Okay then, this one was a little out there and over the top with the way she reacted over the needle, especially in the sense of her being in an ambulance, and there being two other people in an enclosed space with her.
I am guessing the thought of her having clothes, is part of the oncoming insanity she might be suffering from? Her mother seemed a little icey towards her, through the whole thing instead of soothing and calm...hmm.
I wonder with the characters, wether they are meant to be that way, seem distant and uncaring, I can tell the main character needs be that way but im not sure of the Paramedics and her own mother should be. Try giving them some warmth maybe? Gives more oomph to the coldness of the main character.
Great job, & keep it up. Great use of some descriptive words used here again, despite some grammatical errors.
~Lady Madeline. -
Wow again
I especially like the part in the 19th pg:
"--stuck down in this *bunny* hole of an existence--* I can relate to that because sometimes i think my existence is a drab. Lol.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Wow, you are really gifted with descriptions, I felt like I was right there in the ambulance with Reidy (by the way I like the unique name) and I could really feel her pain. I liked the way she seems to be half living in a fantansy world that Kerry is still alive, but is still aware of the real world too. I'm always interested in storie where the character has some type of mental instablility, proabably because of my own issues
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yay she lived ^^ Oh nos they gave her a needle x.x I think there was one run on sentence in the beginning but i think that may have been all. Good luck ^^
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I feel you are trying to tell us the way the character is feeling too often. I think it would be more effective and more engaging to convey the characters emotions through her actions, her speech and descriptions of sensations.
I know you have potential, you can see it in everything you write. You are constantly improving. The sheer volume of your work is a testament to your aspirations and I hope they get you where you want. -
Fucking Amazing
this one kicked more ass than the first one. i can't wait to read the other parts that you come up with
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Good luck with the goal
This was good.. the vulnerability of the girl was very real and made the reader feel her exposure... very well done.
DarkOne
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