Chapter One - Part One #1
In the end, it was the apocalypse. I never expected the end so soon, nor was I even prepared for what was about to come. It was to go on, the world, for everyone else, all except me. This was my apocalypse, when the world around me was to fall apart. 2
The night had turn to day, the day to became my night. I could not fall asleep, not even if I tried. His death lay rested on my shoulders. the grief had been to much for me to handle. The stars that we had once counted together, no longer shone in my eyes. They were like knives, piercing there Way through the core of my memories. The moon that I used to watch with him, had now long been covered with shadows, the mist not even inviting in my dark spirit.3
So I forgot the beauty night time had to offer, completely forgetting the day, pretending it never existed, so that I would never have to deal with those images again. Forgetting the sunrise, in his arms, sitting on the jetty, or watching the sun go down behind the mountains, in the far east , in the summer holidays. I forgot how the cold, loving water felt, as it splashed against our skin, and I forgot above all, how that last ever kiss that he laid upon my lips felt, that last ever kiss before that awful summer's day, the day the heavens took my Kerry away from me, from the world. I will never forgive them for that.4
I remember watching them as they scattered parts of Kerry all over the ocean, The wind not blowing, just calm and tranquil, like my Kerry had been, like he still was in spirit. I remember reaching out my hand, capturing part of his ashes in my right hand, and not opening it until I was safe inside the space of my bedroom. I had my special keepsake box already opened on my desk, all ready for that little part of Kerry, and as I opened my hand, he fell into my box, my keepsake box, where I could keep that little bit of Kerry with me for the rest of my life.5
That was the moment that I decided that Kerry was to be the last ever boy, the last ever man, that I would ever allow myself to love, because I didn't want to feel that kind of love, or that kind of pain, ever again. He was the only love, the only one that had made me feel alive, now that he was gone, it was just to numb, like life was not even worth it anymore. 6
The death consumed me, the nightmares embraced me, and I never closed my eyes, to afraid of what I might see if I did. To afraid of ever thinking of happiness again. I never wanted to escape this grief, and I never wanted to let it go. To let it go was like saying none of it ever happened, that he never happened, that my Kerry never existed.7
He was to young to die, his life taken away at fifteen. He had not even reached his peak, he would never get to experience adulthood, or teenage years at that. He would remain a pile of ashes, drifted and wasted upon the lonely sea, sinking to the bottom, never to be seen again. He would never be able to experience that treasured moment when out two bodies collided together, in that tight embrace with love, providing the pleasures, white the rest of the world stood still, his eyes in mine, my eyes laid upon him.8
A future based on false hopes and dreams and that of broken promises. So in the darkness, with my tired eyes, exhausted with life, sick and tired of breathing, I fell deep into a dark place, I now called my home, watching myself self destruct, watching myself bleed and tare myself apart. Awaiting the day we could be reunited again. The day I could lay my sweet love's kiss, upon his swollen lips and make it all right again, and while his ghost still lingered in my presence, much more than a fragment of a lost memory, I remembered what my friends had all told me, about letting him go, letting him go before it drove me insane, and that if I didn't let it go, I wouldn't make it to the end of 2007, maybe not even 2006, but they were wrong, they we so wrong.9
tendencies, Kerry had I had been insane long before Kerry had died, long before I had even met Kerry. Insanity had been instilled in me, and yet despite my psychotic fallen in love, Kerry still found heart inside mine, and if they only knew the real Kerry like I did, they would find him insane, more insane than I could ever be, but those are our secrets, those are secrets that must never be told, those are secrets that I will keep with me, to my death, and beyond my death, and when the gates of heavens open up, and I embrace my Kerry, our hand intertwined in eternal love, only then will we relive those insane moments, and be condemned to hell life Lucifer, for all of eternity.10
So as I sat there on the Jetty, the moon shining, upon the water, christilised and sparkling. I bow my head, my hands on the chipped wood, scraping, my wrist was sore from bleeding, my eyes pained from tears, my mind numb from feeling, I stood up, stripping bare, letting the moonlight cover my body, walking so slowly towards the edge, following the path. I stood , my feet over the wooden barrier. I ignored all signs of warning, knowing very well that the bottom below would be the death of me. In my pocket, my farewell, my congratulations to them , letting them know that they were right, all of them, bot only if they knew how I really felt. I hoped they would understand, that one more moment on this earth was one more day wasted in this forsaken hell or a world, one more day wasted, being kept away from my Kerry.11
I looked below, it wasn't a far fall, the pain I knew I would face, didn't phase me, it looked pleasantly inviting. I took on e last look behind me, seeing a familiar car pull up in the car park across the sand. I turned around, looking up at the sky, and let myself float away.
Author notes
Well I had a basic name idea...and I dont know where the hell the rest came from really... the apocalpse thingy came from my dream.. the rest was just be writing and not stopping.. and I wont..this will be my next novel
In a list
A contest entry
- socially deemed a misfit by Hermanator1.
850 points, ended December 25, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Honest OPINIONS
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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This is an interesting beginning to something massive. Her love dies and she either considers killing herself or she actually does it...we're not sure, cuz, let's face it, it's only chapter 1 and to kill off the main character would be a helluva way to begin.
Tons of sadness in this first piece...no real action other than thoughts of Kerry, until the end and "suicide." I'm labeling as such until I read on and find out what happens next. Nevertheless, a really cool beginning....
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First off, I would like to apologize for not reading this earlier. I've been meaning to. Truly, I have. But there's almost never any time. And now that vacation has finally arrived, I can =D
This was such a great beginning. Really, it was. We get a real look into the main character, and an experience that has changed her life.
I enjoyed how you attempted to kill her off in the first chapter :]
It's like Chapter 1: The End.
lol.
Great work. I look forward to reading the rest
Oh, by the way, I might not be able to comment on every chapter. I know they're going to be awesome, but I'll probably run out of compliments by the fifth chapter ^^" -
I've been meaning to read this for quite some time, and now I've found the chance (because I have the whole summer) to do so.
I liked this. I'm going to keep reading.
--Aden
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There's definitely some real emotions there. I hope you can give it a good rewrite to correct grammatical errors. I would leave out the year numbers, as it specifies a timeframe, and this seems like it's timeless. Good show!
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I really like the start of this novel Blair =D
I've been planning to read this for ages, as I frequently see you posting new parts, but I've just never got around to it, until now... And wow, am I glad I did! =) This story has a great buildup... It tells you a lot, but then again it doesn't really tell you anything! And the end of this part was excellent and promises much excitement in the next parts! Looking forward to reading more of this Blair! Well written and keep up the good work! =D
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This is a very well written piece indeed and I am impressed. The language you use is excellent in portraying the death of one so close. The beginning is good in the way you describe how all she loved seemed to turn against her after the death of Kerry.
The descriptions are very well written and one really gets the feeling of her surroundings. There is no real plot to this part but that's alright as the sheer depth of character allows that and sometimes, a heavy and focused plot can get in the way of a story. Having said that, the lack of a plot breeds intrigue as one wants to connect this character to a story. We want to see HOW he died, HOW they met and WHY this has so badly affected her. This kind of reading is amongst the best and is a good tool to get people to continue reading
When reading this, it is easy to get inside her mind, to sit back and imagine how she feels. There is also a symbolism by the fact that, apart from Kerry, no other person is mentioned. This does symbolise their love, that there were only two people in their little world, now that he is gone there is no one. The Narrator's state of mind is also shown by the fact that she doesn't even reveal her name. Again, this symbolises that she feels that she is nothing without him and his love.
There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes throughout but they are not a great issue and I suspect you want a comment based more on content than on context.
Overall, this is a deep and thoughtful insight into the emotions and thoughts of a young girl when she suffers a devastating loss and how it can affect the mind.
Well done again. I look forward to reading the next part. -
Hello....
My apologies for being late to your work. I have been on a writing and reading and commenting frenzy for a while, after a long dry spell. I try to always read those who offer comment on my stories, somehow, I overlooked you and I regret that.
As you featured this story at 66 thousand plus words on your page, I thought I would begin at the beginning and see just who you are and go from there.
As an aside,recently I have discovered about a half dozen Australian girls, all fairly young whose writing has captured me, it seems you might join the group and leave me in even deeper doubt as to why. What is going on down under that I should know about?
Even on this first chapter, you have already been slapped around quite a bit for your writing mechanics, I will assume you have addressed that and I shall not add to it.
It was the depth of introspection and emotion that I found compelling in this first chapter and that you have pursued the theme, which I have yet to discover, through 66 thousand words and many chapters. I shall try to determine why and offer more thoughtful commentary as I proceed.
Thank you for the visit, I look forward to enjoying your story and learning more about your writing.
Regards...
Amicus...
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This looks very interesting. I will come back when I have time to give a full critque, hopefully later today. Just wanted to let you know i got your message and didn't forget about you.
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welldone
i liked this i thought it was good
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Amazing
The introduction was a little hard for me to get into the story. The intro had unique grammar usage. It's different approach. Interesting.
•"The night had turn to day, the day to became my night." Just a helpful suggestion. Maybe it would be better if the second sentence was "the day had become my night."
•Para. 6. "to" to "too". (Para. 8, also)
•Para. 7. "to afraid of what I might see if I did." grammar error
• Para 9 They we so wrong. spelling error
• Para. 10 "Kerry had I had been insane"
• Para. 11 "bot only if they knew how I really felt."
• Para. 11 "this forsaken hell or a world,"
• Para. 12 I took on e last look behind me,
Wow. The story has a sad, lonely, numbful tone. The character who loved Kerry was very prominent through your writing, of all things she lost and the secret she have that only Kerry and her knew, and no one else.
Eerie somehow as if they held secret that is so deeply scary or something.
This is really well-made. I can see you put a lot of effort on this. When coming to make a writing so different from the modern writing style, you picked up a style and went along with it, matching well with the elements you put in the story.
Amazing. Well done.
Thanks for a good read,
- IAmAlive
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loved it
i actually can relate to her losing someone you love at a young age.....it's sad alright.....but we get over it.......Nice write
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Wow.. this is great! You did an awesome job with this.. Well worded and just plain beautiful..
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I like this begining. It gives good insight to the driving force of the charecture.
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Thanks a lott for taking your time to read it and comment...mean a lot to me ... that it does
thank for applause
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Well, starting at chapter 30 just confused the crap outta me, so I came back here to see where it all began.
Nice... you have a way with imagery, and emotion. It's always a pleasure to dig around on your page!
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scott
Lol yeh probably a bad idea but at least you are coming back to the roots and were it really started from- I wasn't going to do any writing for it today but more comments like this and I could write up a storm...
Thank you for the compliments ..they are also flattering *blushes*
also thatnk you for the applause that aslo lets me know I am doing a good job
Blair
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Wow, I am so glad I decided to check this story out. You use such powerful phrases and words, I mean the description is so amazing and the imagery is right there for the reader to see. I'm off to read more!!!!
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lady
Thanks for reading love and for the applause
You only have another 43 to go and some jokes ...
Im glad u liked the imagery....
love blair
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This is a very good start and I echo the comments before me. Do pay attention to your grammar and typos. It is much easier to thoroughly edit as you go. Think of the reading flow, mistakes cause serious 'hiccups' in the reader's mind; too many and they'll leave. This is far too good a story to fail because of a lack of author editing. Also, think about 'pruning' the extra words out to enhance the flow and tighten the story up; it adds pace and rhythm if you do that. I know it hurts, all our stories are our babies and they are born of the womb of our intellect; sometimes they just need to know how to grow up and how to go on.
There is such potential in this first chapter, I am going to have to come back and read more. Heavens! Where am I going to find the time?
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Great Opening Start
The title really makes you want to read this story; it makes you want to get lost in it, which was exactly what I did. I won't go into detail about grammar and that stuff, but I would really like to help you with this. I will continue to read, but I have a feeling that this story is going to be good.
You have a very solid writing style that I like. It draws you in and it keeps you reading, which is exactly what I like with the things I read.
Keep up the good work,
~ Kody
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Very interesting read...
Paragraph 2: 'turned to day' Try, 'the day (then) became my night. What you have sounds kind of odd. 'too much'
Paragraph 4: Be careful with repetition. It can quite literally be the end of your writing. The part about your kiss, I'd change it the second time around a little. 'the last kiss before that awful summer's day,' It's not a big change, but it really makes the difference. Hope that makes sense.
Paragraph 5: 'like he was still in spirit'
Paragraph 6: 'too numb'
Paragraph 8: 'too young' 'while the rest of the world...'
Paragraph 9: 'they were so wrong.'
Paragraph 10: 'Tendencies, Kerry, had I been...' 'hands intertwined'
Paragraph 11: 'but only if they knew'
-Overall-
This was good, and it really grabs the attention of the reader. You've raised a lot of questions and that's going to keep the readers reading. A good thing if there ever was one, lol. I look forward to the next read. 'Til then,
-Gito
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A great start. The emotion the girl has is brilliant and her love for Kerry comes across very well. It was a powerful piece which I will continue to read.I wonder how you'll move on with this piece, I'm interested. Very well done!
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Makes more sense now
O.k so Kerry is dead! I'm glad I read this, it explains a lot. It's a very strong begining. The description is truly excellent, particularly of her 'insanity'. You've managed to go so deep inside the character. This is an excellent start, better than the other part I ead I have to say. It's tragic, yet easy to relate to.
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Good
I liked it. A thicket of entangled dark emotions: that's what I made of it. Though, I wanted the story to get on the wheels fast and to start rolling, I couldn't stop myself from drowning in the dark sea of longing love. A good start, but let me see how it pans out. -
Hmm
Your main character really misses Kerry. What happened to Kerry? It seems that all of your characters died. Where do you go from here? You have misspelled words, typos, and some sentences which don't work well. You set a depressing mood.
Andy
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good concept
I liked the theme of your piece but regret the grammatical errors. Misspellings always make it hard to stay with a writer. Your use of many commas quicken the pace of the story and make a good effect of the rapid thought flow of a suicidal girl. However you lose the effect when there are errors. As you said, "it was just writing and not stopping" but stop at the end and review so that you get the ratings a good story deserves. Liked it all the same!
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This was good, has the concept you need for the story, though when it comes to the point where she floats away, you seem to have let this chapter go to waste. Which is a shame really.
No matter how hard I found this to get a full grip on, the descriptions you used were reallu good despite the set collision course of some spelling errors and unmatching words where you have yourself with self in the same place.
Everyone has their spelling errors in stories and you have your fair share in here, some simple words that can be mistaken with other meanings but sound the same, you have a few errors like that here.
Id like to know how the name comes into this, of your new story. Also why they went from Heavens Gate to Lucifer in Hell.
I will hopefully enjoy the next part of this series, and I am hoping the endings will be better then this one if they are each as descriptive.
Great work.
~Lady Madeline.
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The first sentence was a fantastic attention getter. Mistakes were distracting but that's what editing is for. Rather depressing but still thought provoking.
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Wow
Now that is a real pain many struggle from through life. It was a very inspirational story...and keep it up!
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nice simile
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This was realy interesting, I loved your first line it really reeled me in. Your descriptions are really intense and gripping too.
You might want to make the paragraphs a little shorter though so that the reader can focus more on the story with out straining their eyes, other then that I really liked this.
I felt myself identifying with the characters pain and loss and depression, although I personally have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend or even a crush, I still know what it's like to lose someone you love. It sucks. -
At the beginning when I first started reading this I was like "Oh boy... another apocolypse story" But then I kept reading, and I think it's really interesting how it wasn't the apocolypse of the world literally but the apocolypse of one girls world ^_^ It's a good story so far, but there are a couple run-on sentences towards the end that are distracting. Ima go read the next part now ^_^
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You have a talent for melancholy and despair. I like the ideas you have presented here. Some of the stories you write really appeal to my own melancholic disposition.
My issues with your work are the same as the others. The amount of typos, spelling and grammar errors detract drastically from your story and fully immersion in the emotions you are trying to convey.
I will be interested to see how you tie the title in with the story.
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Good concept, difficult to understand
I like the idea of this story and you explore fully the feelings and thinking of the protagonist, before finally plunging (if you'll forgive the pun) into the story at the end. However, I think you really need to proof read before inviting reviews. I know I am a pedantic reader, but I look for hidden meaning and subtleties which often are only expressed through fine reading of the grammar. As I read your piece, I kept finding myself thinking, "Oooh, this is going to be a really interesting sentence…. Oh no, it was just a mistake, now I have to go back and re-read it to understand what was really meant."
I find it very difficult to follow the story because of the frequent confusion caused by the language problems. To illustrate, I will critique the first two paragraphs, then pick out some elements that I really struggled with.
Paragraph 1
In the end [these first three words add nothing to this paragraph], it was the apocalypse. I never expected the end so soon, nor was I even [ prepared for what was about to come. It was to go on, the world, for everyone else, all except me. This was my apocalypse, when the world around me was to fall apart. [These last two sentences are good, full of deep meaning, well done]
The night had turn [turned] to day,[should have "and" or a semi-colon here] the day to became my night [I have no idea what this second phrase means, should that be "too" as in "also" or is that meant to be "to become"?]. I could not fall asleep, not even if I tried. His death lay rested ["lay" or "rested" which is it] on my shoulders. the [capitalise after a stop] grief had been to [too] much for me to handle. The stars that we had once counted together, [no need for comma here] no longer shone in my eyes. ["Instead" would fit nicely here] They were like knives, piercing there Way [their way] through the core of [do these three words add anything?] my memories. The moon that I used to watch with him, [no need for a comma here] had now long been covered with shadows, the mist not even inviting [< I don't understand these last three words] in my dark spirit.You really need to learn to use "too" as in "also" instead of "to" because this really confuses me when I'm reading.
The opening of paragraph 10 is completely incomprehensible to me:
"tendencies, Kerry had I had been insane long before Kerry had died, long before I had even met Kerry"
In paragraph 11 you have two spelling mistakes "crystallized" and "but" I think they should be.
In summary: Proof-read your own work. I can't believe you would let some of these mistakes pass your own re-reading (such as accidentally typing "on e" instead of "one" in paragraph 12. Let me know when you believe you've fixed up your grammar and I'll come back for (what for me will be) a much more enjoyable reading experience.
. Rewarded 8
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My honest thoughts are that you have a great plot and have pulled the reader in by the words written here.
The only downside which is easily fixed. You need to check spellings and also make sure you place commas in the right places and full stops. There are many commas where I felt there should have been full stops.
I am no expert, but they were my thoughts.
Sarah.
. Rewarded 8
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Amazing
I absolutely loved it. i thought that it was amazing. it has a really good plot. But there were a few spelling errors. make sure you keep writing. I think that this novel will turn out to be an amazing stroy that everyone will want to read. Rewarded 4
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Fantastic...
You make me feel as though I am that person, feeling what they feel, although there are a few spelling errors it was really good keep writing.
. Rewarded 4
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Suicidal love, nothing like it
While there were spelling errors... this piece may accurately portray what may make us go insane...
DarkOne. Rewarded 4
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Lots of mistakesss.
Very detailed.
I like the first paragraph the most.
Yeah, it's okay, though I'm juddered by all the mistakes.
Keep going, kayyy?
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