DARE to LIVE

Act of betrayal
You dare to do
You sink in darkness
Wishing it wasn’t true
Wake up, wake up you hear
The voice from within you hear
It is not death you fear
I dare you to live my dear1

2

3


PART 14

I was falling apart, how dare he? How dare he ignore me this way after all the love and care I have given him? Is this what I deserve for being so devoted to his love? No, no, this is too much to take; I simply feel death hanging on my throat, my skin suddenly shrunk too tight for my body. I can feel my skull getting crushed inside and my brain squeezed, and to whom I owe this shitty feeling other than to the man who begged me to sleep with him. 5

I still remember when he was just my friend's brother whom she always talked about. Telling me stories about how kind he was, sensitive, loving and how generous he is, in short the man that every woman wish to have. He had always given me words of admiration but I never took it further, his phone calls every now and then checking on me if I was OK, I did not give it anymore thought other than being friendly. 6

When he called me that day and found out that I was feeling the blues of being lonely, he asked me if I would like to talk to someone and being completely trusting,and feeling desperate to release out my feelings I said yes, I just did not think much about it I was really feeling like shit. He offered to pass by my house after work and pick me up to go some place quiet and talk about what was bothering me.7

I came back from work and started to get ready. Although I knew, I was extremely attractive and beautiful since everybody was telling me that but I lacked self-confidence. I put on a new dress that I had just bought dark grey, stretch cotton and strapless long dress, that just took the shape of my body, which I must say, is very sexy with a wide piece of stretching lace right below the bust covering the waist to the hipbone. I did not mean to look beautiful or sexy for him, I just liked to be at my best always. With my highlighted hairstyle that was really matching my face and gave this bashful look in combination of a sexy look. 8

The bell rang and it was him, greeting him politely and casually since I had only innocent thoughts on my mind, he was someone who was here to help me just out of good will since he was such a saint as his sister described him for me, though I felt a bit strange to open up to my friend's brother; I let him in. I offered him some coffee just as a welcome gesture, I felt that it will be impolite to just leave immediately without offering him a drink.9

I went to the kitchen and made the coffee, he sat in the hall waiting for me. I came out with a mug of coffee; I wanted it to be a friendly reception. He took the mug and thanked me, suddenly he stood up and said I brought you something to make you feel better as a starter he extended his left arm and I found a dark blue velvet box in his hand. My God, This looks expensive, all the questions passed through my mind so quickly, looking at the box I asked myself “what is it?” Is it jewelry or is it only the box? Why would he buy me something expensive?10

Confused and excited I took it from his hand with a smile mixed with a laugh of excitement and a confused look. Getting more of that confusion, as I opened the box and found a gold necklace. It was not an extremely expensive necklace but it was just an expensive one. It was the first time in my whole damned life that anyone ever and I mean ever given me such a gift and with no occasion whatsoever. In a split second I made my decision I wasn’t going to play proud or the ‘I don’t accept gifts from men’ scheme, I was not going to ruin this wonderful moment of sheer happiness with trying to be ideal I was simply going to get off my horse and contradict everything I believe in and accept it and be grateful and even look happy with it and I did.11

I took it and was just excited and happy. I thanked him and unconsciously placed a gratitude kiss on his cheek. He sat down feeling proud of himself and not looking a bit surprised of my reaction. We started talking about why I was feeling the blues? He kept giving me words of admiration on how a woman like me deserves the best. Now, that I think of it I hate myself for believing his words, I found out that if men are liars it is because women really like to believe what they say.12

One word lead to another, he said: Let's go. I said: OK. But as we stood up heading to the door.. Oh I can't remember, how it happened, he was kissing me on my forehead going down to my cheeks my chin then my lips, with his hands holding me tight and going all over my body. I sighed so high, he was so tender and passionate, I guess my sigh took him higher and he was kissing me wildly and I started to resist as he started going for every inch of my body, nevertheless I didn’t want to fight what I felt, he was hugging me and kissing me and holding me with such warmth that made me realize how I was desperate to be held this way, how I was hungry for tenderness and compassion and he felt so good so loving forcing me at that moment to want him just as much. He took me by surprise I was off guard and despite of the surprise and the sudden emotions that I felt and confusion of the moment and the million questions that went through my head in a split second; do I really have feelings for Tom? Is this how vulnerable I was? How could I be that easy to breakthrough? I still did not want to make it on the first time especially that for me it was not even a date. But he lost control over his senses, me resisting him with my hands and inviting him with my sighs which went louder and louder, he pushed me to the sofa and was on top of me in a second. I asked him “get off me please”, “I can't .. I can't” he said. Although, I felt that I was really loved, wanted and needed, but I certainly did not think it was the proper or the right thing to do at the time. Please, not today, maybe tomorrow.. I said. No, No, NOW afterwards I am willing to die. I lost control with his words, “now and afterwards I am willing to die”. He did not mind dying but minded to leave me (that's when a woman turns into a complete trusting idiot) I surrendered.13

Since that night, I devoted myself and my time to making him happy. Going beyond my capabilities, I was just making it my job and taking it so seriously. 14

Giving him the passion, love, understanding, tenderness and care that not only he needed but also dreamed of, I was simply his dream coming true. 15

What went wrong? Why did he start to be distant, not calling 100 times a day, not calling me back if he sees my missed calls, oh, no, he'll call but maybe after I give him like 10 missed calls or maybe the next day, not so eager to see me although when he does his passion and lust for me are the same. I could not figure it out but I just grew sick of it, giving so much and receiving almost nothing. Until that night when I called him, he said he will stay home that night, after a while I called him at home to try to convince him to change his mind, but no one answered. That is weird I thought, I tried his mobile phone, he answered in a calm voice; I will call you later, and then I heard a quiet suffocated laugh that sounded like a female holding her laugh from being heard. That was it for me, I hung up and swore I will never call the bastard again or answer his calls.16

OK, I made the right decision but how long can I hold on, how long can I keep suffering from the death feeling that is overwhelming me. I got dressed took my car and drove to my best friend's house.17

Cindy, please help me I am dying here.18

What happened? She asked eagerly.19

It is the insensitive beast, it is Tom he is with someone else I can feel it in my guts. My God doesn't he have enough on his hands, having me along with a wife and another mistress. Now, is the son of a bitch working on his fourth or is he just being the asshole he is. I can't believe it. Cheating just runs in his damn blood. 20

How could I have fallen in love with such a crepe, I deserve whatever happens to me. I had it coming. It was inevitable.21

No, No, I don't deserve this. HE DID NOT EVEN BOTHER TO TELL ME That He Was MARRIED until after he made love to me. Not only that, but just a month and a half later, the bastard confessed that he was involved with another woman yet, but decided that I was his true love and left her even before telling me about her. My God, I wasn't only shocked I was petrified. Why the hell did you start this with me? I did not have you on my agenda you know, I wasn't spending my nights sleepless over you. I wouldn't have even noticed your existence if you have not pursued me day and night with phone calls of making sure I was ok. My God I really would've done fine without you. I went on with my hysteric reaction as if he was standing in front of me.22

He took me by surprise and made love to me all at the same time not bothering to mention having another two women in his life. Now this is mean, this shows how mean, selfish and self-centered this man is. And why may I ask didn't I think this way before. Why didn't I dump him as soon as I found out, did I feel too hooked? did I think it was too late for me I was too involved with him? did I have any clue about what I was doing or getting myself into? Oh no, I was just being plain Stupid. No, no; he swept me off my feet, he was tall and I mean really tall and dark with a very gentle voice that showed how much patience he had in him and being recently divorced from a very aggressive man he seemed at the time to be exactly the man I needed. 23

Ah, Ah.. I still can't believe what he said; he loves both his women and me. Now, this is sick. Why the hell didn't I pay attention to that before? Was I that hot for him, did desire just wiped out the thinking centers of my mind. I acted like a bitch. 24

My God, Am I a bitch? NO, THIS IS TOO MUCH, I HATE HIM, I LOATH HIM, I HATE MYSELF, I LOATH MYSELF.25

CALM Down, Will You. You will give your self a nervous breakdown.26

Don't break down please, he is not worth it. Please, please calm down Nadia. Cindy was holding me tight to keep my body from shaking as I was screaming my heart out and sobbing.27

Listen to me Nadia, listen to me, you must put all this behind you right now, you must put him behind you forever. 28

Ah, Ah. I was still crying.29

Can you hear me Nadia, you must put this man behind you starting now. Listen, if it is of any consolation to you, he will never forget you.30

What? And why is that? I was babbling31

Because no woman has ever given him the love, care and devotion, you gave him. Moreover, when you wipe him out of your life. You will also be the first woman to have ever dumped him. Trust me he will never forget you.32

And that is supposed to make feel better? BUT I AM DYING HERE CINDY. OH, PLEASE HELP ME, PLEASE, IF I DON'T GET RID OF THIS FEELING RIGHT NOW, I WILL JUST SHATTER INTO SMALL AND TINY PIECES PLEASE HELP ME. I just kept crying my heart out and screaming while pacing the floor like a lioness with no prey to attack. How can I get my hands on his neck? I was steaming with anger and there was nothing anyone could do to save me, my mind just hung there with a thread for eternity.33

End of Part I34

PART 235

Cindy didn't waste time, she was making a phone call and she told me there is only one person who can help us. I didn't even get a chance to ask her who was he? She was already saying "hello"36

"Jeff, my friend and I are feeling the blues and we need to go out" She said37

"We'll meet you there" She said38

She hung up. 39

I was stunt, but I got over it and asked her40

"who's Jeff?"41

"He is a friend of mine, we do business together, he is handsome and single and he's going to meet us at the coffee shop now" she answered42

"NOW?" I asked43

"Yes, now" she answered44

"Are you nuts, it's two o'clock in the morning" I said hysterically45

"So what?" She said46

"Listen; you feel like shit, you want help and like it or not HE IS YOUR HELP" She shouted in my face47

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'HE IS MY HELP' NUT BRAIN?" I demanded to understand cause I felt I was loosing my mind48

"Grab your coat and I'll explain in the car." She answered me in a clam voice49

"We went out"50

"Will you explain please? I don't like it when I don't know what's going on" I asked Cindy51

"Listen … no one can take this pain away other than another man".
She replied52

"Jeff is nice, you'll like him, he is going to sooth your pain, got it stupid". She continued53

"Yes, I got it but I am not sure that I like the idea". I said helplessly54

"You have no choice now" She said55

"We're just going out for coffee, if you like each other then it's great, if not, then you just went for coffee. See, you've got nothing to lose." She said56

"Ok, I don't feel comfortable doing this, but I am too tired to think or argue. I'll go along with you but if I get any bad feelings I'll leave." I said trying desperately to feel in control57

"Agreed" She assured me58

We arrived. 59

As soon as we stepped in I spotted him sitting at a table for four. I haven't really met him before but I heard so much about him from Cindy, and how he looked like. He is tall with broad shoulders, a very masculine face and sandy hair. As we came closer I noticed that his eyes were blue, he looked really attractive but I wasn't in the mood to notice more I had a feeling she had some kind of a crush on him, this is why I was confused about why she was doing this. Does she really like him or not, one thing I am sure of that is she's got a plan; a plan which I had no idea about and knowing Cindy neither did he.60

Cindy sat next to him, and I sat in front of him.61

He asked us what to have we all ordered ice cream. After all the greetings and the small talk, he looked right at me and asked in a firm sharp way 62

"And you what's your problem?"63

I blushed immediately, he was blunt and I considered him rude, I answered back in the same firm and sharp way.64

"I don't have a problem." I said65

He said "no, I mean why do you feel the blues?"66

Cindy answered for me "she’s recently divorced"67

He looked at me and said "so, you're suppose to be relieved didn't you want out?"68

"Yes, I did, but nevertheless it is still hard." I replied69

I, lied; but I couldn't think of something else to say.70

I had a feeling they were talking about me, I wasn't listening, I felt uncomfortable, I had a feeling she was selling me out, I decided to leave. As if he could read my mind; I saw him standing up saying let's go, I started my way out immediately, behind me came Cindy and Jeff.71

I headed for the car in long steps; I heard his voice where are you going? I turned to find Cindy with him behind me a couple of meters.72

I said "to the car"73

He said " why the hurry?"74

I looked at my watch it was four in the morning, then I looked at Cindy, she did not respond.75

I couldn't say no, I was too weak; after all it was his car.76

She got in the front seat, I went in the back. He played soft music, I kept silent all the way, they tried to make me get into a conversation but I just gave them short answers till they gave up. We arrived at a historic hotel, he parked the car and we went in.77

He wanted to show us all the art works in the hotel. He started with the sculptures that designed the stairs, walls and ceilings. I was really impressed, I love art, I started to cheer up and get involved in the action. We went all over the place upstairs, downstairs and then out of the garden I started looking tired and sleepy I've awake since six o'clock in the morning the previous day and it was almost six in the morning of the next day. I felt unbalanced; it was the first time to stay awake for a whole twenty four hours. I tripped and was going to fall; they were walking together ahead of me I was walking slower since I was sleepy and tired. He turned around to see me when I was about to fall, in one long step he was holding my arm.78

"Are you sleepy?" He asked with a warm voice79

"I nodded"80

He was already reaching his hands to touch mine when he asked me:81

"Do you want me to hold your hand?"82

“I’m ok" I said83

We started walking again in the garden watching the artistic fountains and historic statues that gave the gardens a very grand view mixing beauty with heritage.84

We went inside the hotel again this time he took us upstairs in the elevator. When we were coming out of the elevator I lost my balance and once more I was going to fall this time he did not ask he just held me, made sure I am in control but he didn't let go he just kept holding my hands.85

I was tired, sleepy and of no control over anything whatsoever even if it didn't look like it. When he held me, I felt him warm and tender and in control cause I certainly felt weak and vulnerable all the tension and anger that I felt earlier consumed my energy and being awake for twenty four didn't help me at all but it certainly helped him. I surrendered to his warm hands and I guess he felt that I wasn't about to resist him; in a glance he took full control. He was holding my hand and walking me around showing me all the paintings on the walls, coming down the stairs holding me strongly so I want fall since I was just getting weaker and weaker as he was gaining control over me more and more we didn't talk about anything but art but we both knew what was going on. I lost track of Cindy and I guess he did too for us she was invisible. 86

We kept surfing the capital until seven in the morning, he drove us back to Cindy's car. Cindy went in, he was shaking my hand tenderly and I was thanking him for a lovely night, he placed a kiss on my forehead and bid me goodbye. This warm kiss and being on my forehead made feel his warmth and made me feel like a loved little girl. Although it was quick but in my state of physic and mind it was very powerful and effective like an arrow from mind to heart to mind again.87

I was on top of the world riding cloud no.9. I didn't know whether I was awake or asleep, I didn't know which day was it all I knew that I had to be at work in about forty five minutes max.88

Cindy told me Jeff is very conservative to kiss you in broad daylight means he really likes me and couldn't resist the action.89

I felt satisfied but I was too tired for comments or expressions; so I stayed silent all the way home.90

I went upstairs quickly, washed up, it was eight o'clock already and I had to hurry up, I went to change my clothes then my mobile phone rang, I answered while getting dressed; I couldn't believe it was him.91

He said "Good morning, did you arrive safely"92

I said "yeh, I did, thanks"93

He said "I'm just making sure, you're alright"94

I said "thank you"95

"Bye then" he said96

"Bye" I replied97

I hurried downstairs to my car to go to work.98

I had a tough time concentrating but I was doing ok so far. At 2 o'clock afternoon my mobile phone rang, when I said "hello", and heard his voice at the other end I couldn't believe it. Although I've been waiting all day for him to call; I was eager to find out if I made an impression on him. Just hearing his voice got me out of the cold water and put me right under the warm sun.99

End of Part 2100

PART 3101

I went home after work and called Cindy, we kept analyzing everything that happened that night all his moves, his reactions, his words and mine too. What he meant, what he might’ve understood from all the events and how I behaved. He didn’t keep us chatting for long; he interrupted our thoughts and gossip and called me on my mobile phone, I panicked and hung up with Cindy since my concentration level has been Zero ever since I lost my mind over Tom and with everything that was happening I could barely handle one thing at a time.102

He was very calm and his voice came out peaceful which affected me deeply he extended his calmness to me and sent me some peace which I was desperate for. Jeff is a very handsome man and I cannot deny that he is very attractive too if I was in my normal state I would’ve been attracted to him especially the kindness and tenderness he showed me later that night regardless of his coming strong at me in the beginning.103

He went on how he liked my company and how he found me interesting and different than other women (on a different day I could’ve just told him that I’ve heard this line before but I was vulnerable and thirsty for reassurance and some words to give me back my self confidence and too blind to notice that I was seeking rebound).104

Jeff said “ Nadia, I admire your persona so much”105

I said softly “Thank you Jeff, you are so kind”106

He said “I’m going to be like your shadow Nadia”107

He said it in a very soft voice that I barely heard him, so I said “what did you say Jeff?”108

He repeated “I’m going to be like your shadow Nadia”109

I said “what do you mean Jeff”110

I wanted to spell out his name, I don’t know why maybe because I wanted his name to sink in; the thought that he was another man that it was not Tom but a different man. I wanted to feel as if this is a new beginning I wanted to believe that there is life after Tom.111

Jeff said “ I mean I am not going to leave you ever, I will always be there for you, I will never bother you or be in your way but whenever you’ll need me you’ll find me in front of you”112

I sighed. 113

In my situation there couldn’t be any other answer to what he said.114

Suddenly, I felt sleepy as if I took a tranquilizer, I wanted to end the conversation at this stage and keep that wonderful feeling that I was feeling for as long as possible at least until I fall asleep so I said in a warm voice “Goodnight Jeff”115

As if he felt the same or sensed what I was feeling at that moment he did not argue he just said “Goodnight Nadia”116

I turned off my mobile phone and fell asleep not knowing how or when but when I woke up it was morning and I was still with my clothes on and thankfully I was in my bed. I was late since I didn’t have time to set the alarm, it was 08:30am not too late though just an hour late I was still able to make it to the office at a reasonable time.117

I washed up quickly, got dressed and ran off to work without drinking my morning coffee but I was feeling rested and fresh and ready to go, it didn’t bother me much.118

As soon as I reached my desk I made my cup of coffee and turned on my mobile phone on and as soon as it opened I heard a missed call tone then just a couple of seconds later I heard a message tone; I jumped on my mobile eager to find out who called me all my senses and thoughts were thinking Jeff my fingers quickly pressed on the key and there it was to my shock it was Tom and it wasn’t one missed call but in fact three missed calls from Tom, the bastard called me at two in the morning and kept calling till two twenty. It showed how eager he was for me to answer he called and called as if he couldn’t believe that I wasn’t answering his calls he didn’t wait for fifteen or thirty minutes between calls cause he didn’t think I might be in the bathroom or busy no I must’ve been asleep and must wake up for his highness call. It was a relief, no it was a huge relief for me to know that he called three times and I didn’t answer him nothing at this time could have been that delightful nothing could have brought joy to my heart more than this thought of him this arrogant bastard calling me three times on a raw not believing that his slave did not jump out of bed to answer his call. 119

As I was deep in my joy and enjoying the moment my eyes gazed at the mobile to see that there was still this message unread, I quickly pressed the key to open it but this time I had no thoughts what so ever and no guessing as to who sent it, I was confused to see that Tom called me at the time when all my senses where looking out for a call from Jeff. Now this message, I didn’t know what to expect anymore.120

The message opened to the senders name and it was Tom. Now I was really in shock could it be that his majesty Tom called me three times in a raw and when I didn’t answer sent me this message was he that desperate to talk to me? My God, am I dreaming? hallucinating maybe? I could believe anything other than this was true and happening that this arrogant son of a bitch went down from his throne to send me some words. With all these thoughts going through my mind in loads to distract my attention to what was in the message for seconds while this voice in the back of mind that was repeatedly telling me come on just read the message as if this voice was ordering my eyes apart of my mind to read the message cause my mind was too damn busy with all these overwhelming thoughts that were taking over, and despite them all my eyes followed the order of this voice and came down on the words that read:121

“Nadia, answer me, please call me, you got me really worried. Please call me honey”.122

I screamed “ Ha Ha Ha” 123

I couldn’t believe it; he really thinks I am an idiot. He is behaving as if nothing had happened between us as if everything was as usual , as if he hadn’t answered me that night in cold blood leaving me for three days and not calling back as if he did not treat me like trash as if he did not leave me for three days eating myself up for being humiliated this way and not being able to punch him back. As if he hadn’t made me feel so damn stupid for ever loving him, for the time, effort, love and care, for the trust I put in him. The hypocrite doesn’t even know that now I can see his real face.124

At the peak of my joy for everything that happened to me ever since that call from me to Tom, looking at the bright side I found out how Tom wasn’t at all good for me, I found out that there is life after death,that there is life after Tom, that no matter how miserable I felt I can always laugh again, I found out that not matter how deep the black hole that I fall into is and how desperate the darkness make me feel there is always a way out only I mustn't lose hope because now I know for sure and without a doubt that the sun will shine again no matter how dark the night is. Now with all those wonderful feelings in my heart I found my fingers pressing some keys and sending a message to Tom without thinking125

“Don’t worry about me Tom, I am fine, just don’t bother to call again, you are simply not the man for me honey.”126

I laid back in my chair, closed my eyes and smiled enjoying the peace that came over me and the magnificent thoughts of how my life will be after Tom.127

THE END128