Growing Older With My Dreams In My Pocket

The music box chimes gently in the background.  Strumming chords only a ballerina would know how to make innocent. Even the highest chords are easy on the ears and your insides yearn to be young again.  The beaming sun shines in warming the cold tile floor and you hear soft sounds of birds chirping, bathing in puddles left behind from the morning's mist.  Faintly, you hear children laughing and playing as if they are miles away. But strong enough to feel their comfort.1

You cry.2

Life just isn't what it used to be. You find yourself alone more than with friends and family. Worrying about your health, bills, jobs.  You have children that you've given life to and gave up your own in the transition. And you're ok with that.  You learn that the path you were on may not have been the path that you would have taken as an adult.  And now you find yourself wondering.  Analyzing the future.  You ask yourself over and over again, "Is this what was intended for me?" Or you question your own beliefs, your own talents.  And you learn to pray.3

You pray to whoever began this "god" forsaken roller coaster ride of emotion.  Even the most true believers are unsure of "who" is out there. Who created all this.  The trees, the sky, the ground, the stars, the moon the air we breath and the water we drink (or don't drink).4

You're reminded of the things that effected you so deeply as a teenager and you feel silly. Crying all those endless nights.  Screaming and shouting over those petty yet over powering feelings of emotion.  You remember hating your parents for not letting you have your way (one way or another).  And if you're lucky you realize they're the only one's that listen to you as an adult.  You find that they're the only one's that understand you completely because you're just like them.  The things you so desperately attempted to avoid that reminded you of the bad things your parents did to you - you do to your own kids. Maybe not as extreme, or entirely. But you do recognize it.  And at first it frightens you, but then you learn to accept it.5

Acceptance becomes a major role in your life.  Love has either become a sought out project or the one thing you despise.  Money, as they say - IS the root of all evil.  Where did money come from anyway? (Don't answer that, just ponder it).  And why do some people still fall for it when others realize it was unnecessary to begin with?6

So you cry...  You weep... You grasp onto what's left of your innocence because it was the you that was so carefree and new.  You place it in a box, you write it in poetry, you sing it in a song, you play it through your music, you stuff it deep down in the pits of your existence - hoping it will stay there always.  Waiting.. For the right time that you're ready to visit it again.7

Inside you beg... Beg to be ok with aging... Beg to be ready for death when it comes knocking. Beg to just be content in your life.  So you wish when you can.  You dream when you can.8

Hold fast to dreams...9

Live and let live...10

Accept and spread love...11

It's ok to look in the mirror, but don't look too long.12

Don't let money get in the way of your life and family.13

Remember being a child through your children.14

And listen to the laughter that is so far away, yet comfortably inside you.15

And remember... It's healthy to cry.16

But laughter is the best medicine.17

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