It's The Thought That Counts!

Missing image
"It's the thought that counts!" That's what they say, "It's the thought that counts." How many times I have heard it. "It's the thought that counts." Socks for Christmas or a six pack of underwear for my birthday! How are you supposed to act excited about underwear, besides; I wear boxers, not briefs. I swear if I hear that expression again I may lose it.1

Well, I'm sure to hear it. We're coming up on that holiday where that phrase is most used, over used. I've decided that for those few people I give gifts for Christmas, I'll just give cash. That is one gift for all of its impersonal nature that always seems to please. Wouldn't it be hilarious if everybody gave cash and it happened to balance evenly? It's only the thought which counts! Ha Ha!2

Tammy was an exception. I was head over heels for Tammy and I had to find something nice for her. We'd been dating off and on for a year and the last couple of months quite regularly. It hit me suddenly about two weeks back that I really loved her. It had become more than just friendship. I was thinking maybe a ring for Christmas.3

Tammy was a bright young woman of twenty. Usually dressed in faded jeans and a knit top, she also wore her western cut, leather jacket during the cold days. There were many cold days now as Christmas was nearing. Dark hair, brown eyes, and a slender figure made her very attractive in my estimation. 4

"Why don't we have a private Christmas?" I asked her the week before.5

"I'm going to be with my family on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. How about having our own celebration Christmas evening?" Tammy replied.6

I was a little disappointed that she didn't invite me to her family's get-together. "Well, that'll work," I agreed.7

I bought a two carat diamond engagement ring and put it inside a dress box with a blue pantsuit I hoped she'd like for New Years. I purchased them on credit with twelve months no interest and no payment due for six months.8

Christmas evening arrived and I went to her apartment at the appointed time, 7:00pm. I was carrying her present with a big smile on my face.9

"How was Christmas with your family?" I asked as she opened the door. She had decorated her apartment with Christmas trimmings and a medium sized tree all full of lights, blue and white. Blue was Tammy's favorite color. I felt certain she would like the pantsuit. 10

"I had a wonderful Christmas!" she exclaimed. "How was yours?"11

"That depends a lot on tonight."12

"I'm sure tonight will be great," she said with her eyes sparkling. She had fixed a turkey dinner with all the trimmings, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie. We dug into it then we opened our presents. She gave me a tan, suede, sport coat. She was delighted when she saw the pantsuit. She didn't notice the ring.13

"You missed a little something," I told her. 14

Puzzled, she sifted through the tissue paper in the box and found the ring case. With yet another odd look on her face, she held it in her hands for several moments before opening it. I thought it a bit strange. Then a big smile came to her face and she opened it. Almost without looking she put it on her finger. "Oh, it's lovely."15

I smiled and said, "If you would like a different ring, we can exchange it."16

"No. No, this is just perfect."17

She stuck a bow on her head and said, "One more present."18

I was surprised and pleased, we had never made love. I was very pleased that she wanted to. 19

"Are you sure?" I asked.20

"Very."21

We went upstairs to her bedroom hand in hand. Eagerly we disrobed each other and made love. Then we cuddled.22

"You know, I really can't accept this ring," she said casually.23

"My God! What do you mean! We just had sex!"24

"I know. The ring was such a grand gesture, I just couldn't hurt your feelings. I had to give you something in return, but we can never be really more than just friends."25

"But we just fucked!" I shouted.26

"Yes, and we mustn't do it again. I appreciate the ring and the offer and I hope you will appreciate this one special night. It's the thought that counts."27

I smiled, but no one could measure the rage I felt inside at hearing those words. That night was to have been so special, so right, so perfect and she had ruined it all. A look of surprise appeared on her face as my hands closed tightly around her throat. I was insane with anger. I took no thought of the future. Her eyes bulged, her face distorted and became red. She became pale, her lips bluish, and I knew she was dead. I really didn't know what I was doing. I just snapped. 28

My last words to her, I told my lawyer, were, "It's the thought that counts!"29

Author notes

"Paigie pwns the world!!!"

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Comments

1 - 86 of 86

  • F66142589
    September 30
    Edit | Reply

    haha

    I am not going to say anything here. It's just 6 points, but hey, it's the thought that counts!


  • Sheilasbabygal4life
    September 25

    Edit | Reply
    this was good.Thanks for entering and best of luck!


    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      September 25
      Edit | Reply

      Hi there!

      Although this is not a perfect fit for your contest, I thought you might enjoy an entry with a twist and some humor.

      I'm glad that you like it.

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting.

      Andy


  • Paigie
    September 17

    Edit | Reply
    Omg! Such a twist! I love itttt!

    Good luck in my contest, Andy
    Paigie

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      September 17
      Edit | Reply

      Howdy Paigie!

      I thought that you'd enjoy this story. I felt I should let you have a read. Thanks for hosting this contest. I hope you're getting all the entries you want.

      Andy


  • RedHearts
    September 14

    Edit | Reply
    This was nice.. The ending was superb. Thanks for sharing it

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      September 17
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Red!

      I'm very glad that you like the twist at the end of this story. Just think of all the problems that could be solved by simply murdering the offending partner! There can be repercussions, unfortunately.

      Thanks for reading me. I appreciate your interest in my stories.

      Andy


  • hsmlover1
    July 27

    Edit | Reply
    Again this was another brillan piece presenting ur brillant talent for writting i hope your passion stays within ur writting and if u keep writting amazing stories like this well i have to say ur hard to beat

    good luck in my contest

    HSM

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      July 27
      Edit | Reply

      Hi!

      I'm extremely pleased you like my story. Thanks for hosting the contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.

      I hope I place.

      Andy


  • Rosemary silver member
    July 18

    Edit | Reply

    Interesting story

    It was a classic Andy Stephenson that escaped me. So sweet in the beginning. I never guessed the ending. You got me again.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      July 18
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Rosemary!

      thanks so much for dropping by.

      Would you believe that I've written stories in which no one is killed and some that actually have happy endings? However, I must confess, I do like writing dark pieces.

      I hope you like this little story. It's my version of a comedy.

      Andy

  • Adele Ellen Bakker
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    I like the central idea 'It's the thought that counts' and you make some interesting observations. Thanks for entering my contest.

    beginning: 3, ending: 1.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      July 3
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Adele!

      I hope that this came a bit closer to the idea of melodrama you have in mind. I actually had removed 'Losing It Again' from you contest because it didn't reach the word minimum.

      Melodrama is not something that I think I've written much of. It does seem that it might be fun to write, especially with a touch of comedy. Unfortunately, I have no time at present to take on another writing project.

      May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Hinata-is-me silver member
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    Hahahahahahaha! That's so funny! I did not expect the ending. And what a mean thing to do to him. She's evil! Well, aren't we all evil at times. Especially him, cuz he choked her to death.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      June 29

      Edit | Reply

      Hi Desire!

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applaue. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.

      I'm very pleased that you like this story and that it gave you a laugh.

      There are consequences to every action. She dumped him and he couldn't take it. He killed her and now has to try to get off on an insanity plea. Ah! The minor problems with dating in modern times!

      Andy


  • Elms Apprehended
    June 17
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, surprising ending! I like it!

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      June 18
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Elmeresia!

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like my story.

      May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Holey Pastry
    June 9

    Edit | Reply
    Woah, totally did not see that one coming! Nice twist. That was so mean of her!

    I like how you didn't just end it after he killed her, but tied in the lawyer as well. It made me smile for some reason. Maybe I'm just twisted. Ah well.

    Thanks for entering and the best of luck!

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      June 10
      Edit | Reply

      Hi!

      I'm glad you like my little Christmas story. Everybody deserves a little something special for Christmas. Oh well, nothing like a little holiday cheer.

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.

      Andy

  • felanor
    June 8

    Edit | Reply

    Well, its the Thought that Counts!

    Nicely done!

    Its sad to see that after everything he went through, his feelings and everything. The poor guy loved her, she took the ring and everything. I definitely felt his rage and I think you portrayed it perfectly.

    Thanks for entering and best of luck in the contest!

    ~Felanor

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      June 8
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Felanor!

      Well, 'It's the thought that counts.' is said often, but when it's said, it usually seems rather meaningless.

      I had fun writing this, of course. I usually have fun when I write.

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause.

      Andy


  • mastersokka
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    this story immediately caught my attention reading the first part. Starting with something that others can relate to like "It's the thought that counts" is a great way for readers to start off thinking "I know what you mean

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      June 6
      Edit | Reply

      Hi!

      Thanks for dropping by my story and for reading and commenting. After the first part, did you like the rest of the story?

      I had fun writing this.

      Andy

  • Marta gold member
    May 25
    Edit | Reply
    Wow! you are one scary guy,but funny and I enjoyed reading your story.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      May 25
      Edit | Reply

      I guess so.

      I do like to write horror and crime erotica, but at heart I'm really a kind and generous soul.

      Thanks for reading me and for commenting and applauding. I appreciate it.

      Andy


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    May 16

    Edit | Reply
    What twist at the end. Very nice Andy, this is another good one
    Thanks for entering and good luck.
    Brooke

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      May 16
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Brooke!

      I'm very pleased you like this story. Many of the characters in my stories seem to have short life spans.

      This was initially written for a contest, to take a cliched phrase and use it in a story. Well, you know me and my tendencies, this is what popped out.

      Thanks for hosting, reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.

      Andy


  • Keirii
    April 5

    Edit | Reply
    The ending was definately unexpected
    Loved the story though!
    Great job!!!

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      April 5
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Keirii!

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm very glad that you like it.

      I hope you had many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Frozen Angel
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, wasn't expecting that ending. I think that you covered the theme of preconceptions pretty well.

    There's not much more I can say about this piece.
    Thank you for taking the time to enter my contest.

    *Frozen Angel*

    P.S. It's nice to see you in another one of my contests, Andy!

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      April 2
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Ms. Frozen!

      How are you today?

      Thanks for hosting another contest I could squeeze one of my stories into. Thanks also for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you like this story, that's the important thing.

      May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • crystalsycamore2
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    Nice. I liked it. I definetely didn't anticipate the ending so that was a nice surprise (and I actually mean that!). And I really like how you had her use that phrase, which I figured would happen, but I didn't think it would happen after sex!

    One thing: Paragraph 19 might need a second look...just the comma before the "we had never made love" - maybe a different punctuation? and possibly adding a "before" after love? Just a suggestion.

    Overall, fabulous job! Good luck!

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      April 2
      Edit | Reply

      Hi there!

      I'm glad that you enjoy this story. It was fun to write. Spreading a little holiday cheer.

      Thanks for hosting this contest. I hope you have many good entries and lots of fun.

      Andy

  • TheDecree
    March 24

    Edit | Reply
    okay, hilarious. What did that stupid woman think? That he was giving her a ring just for the sake of it? Maybe, he just wanted to marry her. Can't she take a hint, lol. SO she just wanted to be friends, then why lead him on? Or send mixed messages. But anyway, really funny in a dark comedy sort of way. Nice stories with the man being scorned and then offing all the women. I want to see a women scorned and killing all the men, lol.

    Funy write (:

    Good luck in the contest (:

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      March 24
      Edit | Reply

      Hi!

      I'm happy that you enjoy this story and found the humor in it. It was fun to write.

      I have a novella in which a woman is a serial killer and goes about killing men, but it has violence and graphic erotica.

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Maggie Kay
    March 20

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my gosh im not sure if this is the reaction you want but that was funny as!
    its a shame she couldnt just say no instead of doing what she did it would have stopped this unfortunate event that followed but hae its great when a story takes such a turn, when its so unexpected.
    I absolutly loved it!
    thanks so much for entering

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      March 20
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Kmp!

      The intention of the story was to bring a laugh. I'm glad you loved this story! It was fun story to write.

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Savage
    February 27

    Edit | Reply

    Wow.

    This was twisted, what a present! It's so sad that she didn't just say no, and so brilliant that you could make me think that. Great story,

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      February 27
      Edit | Reply

      Hi Savage!

      I'm really happy that you like this story. I like to write dark stories, this one happens to have a little humor as well.

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • seclusion
    January 4

    Edit | Reply
    I thought this was sick and twisted, and therefore awesome. I love it when characters do outrageous things! I also found the end to be very fitting - short, sweet, and hitting with a punch of irony. The only part I found to be a bit weak was the beginning - I wasn't really sure what the main character was doing. I mean, he was thinking to himself, but during which time period? Before or after the murder, or separately all together? It doesn't matter too much, though. I think you have a good story here. Good job!

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      January 4
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like this story

      I hope you had many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Dawn Bon
    December 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Holy crap! This is like genious! Oh wow i was like laughing haha. What a bitch i mean seriously, you have sex with someone then be all"we can only be friends" what a hooker. Thanks for entering my contest

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      December 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.

      I hope you like this story. I'm glad it caused a laugh.

      May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Lawrie gold member
    December 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A great ending to a really good story.
    I enjoyed this short which was written with enough skill to keep the ending "hidden".
    The pace, aided and abetted by the dialogue, made the read easy on the eye.
    Your 'hero' may have been cheesed off with the girl, but the extremity of his actions seemed OTT; I certainly wouldn't want to stand on his toes
    A good story, well written with good characters and descriptive passages, and a joy to read.
    Thanks for sharing
    Lawrie

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      December 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Lawrie

      I'm very pleased you like my little story for the holiday season It's hard for me to write a story with a happy ending.

      What is OTT?

      Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.

      Andy

      • Lawrie gold member
        December 9, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        OTT

        Over The Top

        It's used quite a lot in the UK, generally by teenagers, but sometimes by us old 'uns when we try to act


        • Lawrie gold member
          December 9, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          If a response or punishment is deemed, or thought to be, too harsh we tend to say "That was OTT."


  • Migfin
    December 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Whoa! XD

    That little saying annoys the heck outta me, too, though strangling has never really occured to me! Even though my contests always gotta be anonymous, I could tell right from the start who this was =) your stories are always so enjoyable, and your style's unique and so easy to read.

    You know how to keep your readers interested, that line:

    "You know, I really can't accept this ring," she said casually.

    was very effective, and although the ending was quite abrupt that in itself made it good.

    Thanks for entering, best of luck =)
    x

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      December 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Migfin,

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. I'm glad you like this story. You know, of course, this contest was perfect for me; it's hard for me to write stories with a happy ending. I've written a few with happy endings, but in most of my stories, somebody croaks.

      May you have many good entries and much fun.

      Merry Christmas and all that.

      Andy


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    November 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    Oh, wow! Oh, my god!

    This really came as a shocker! I thought that they were going to end up together.

    Oh, well...it's the thought that counts, eh?

    Well done and thanks for entering.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      November 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You!

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.

      Poor guy was tired of underwear and socks. When she gave him what might be considered just a sympathy gift, he couldn't take it. Oh well, maybe he'll get off with a temporary insanity plea.

      Andy


  • Gary Alexander silver member
    August 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Just a thought!

    Hi, Andy,
    When I saw this as a first place, gold trophy winner I read it.
    Somehow, you painted your enamorata (read: bitch) so subtly well that it telegraphed the ending...well...almost! I enjoyed the tale anyway, and, except for the very last...ah, er...thought...mirrored much of true life and relationships. Your final "thought" and take on the bottom-line outcome of this relationship is typical of what you do...how your treat (read: dispatch) some of your characters...and it was amusing...but I merely wonder how true to life it was...if all spurned guys simply strangled their flighty ladies. Anyway, I enjoyed the tale.... Just a...thought!

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      August 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Gary

      This was a fun story to write based on a contest prompt for which it is titled. True to life? No, not really. As you know, most women who dump their boyfrinds are still walking about.

      I was surprised and pleased to win a gold in Rian's(Durian) contest. I usually don't fare so well in his contests.

      I'm glad you enjoyed this story.

      Thanks for the comment and all the applause.

      Andy


  • Kat222
    February 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    cool

    my kind of ending! i'd kill too if i just had sex and then got dumped lol

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      February 8, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for reading and commenting again. I appreciate it. I'm glad you could sympathize with the main character. I hope you like this story.

      Andy


  • Prodigious.Mirth
    January 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I think for some reason you delve into the minds of these twisted people and turn your writing into something far more sadisistic, if not even just plain morbid...

    I took no thought of the future. Her eyes bulged, her face distorted and became red. She became pale, her lips bluish, and I knew she was dead.

    That line was enough to chill me to the core

    good work

    Blair

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      January 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Blair

      This was the second time you've read and commented on this story. I do write twisted and morbid stuff. This story was really meant to be humorous. Some didn't like it much at all. I guess that's the way it goes. Thanks again for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.

      Andy


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    January 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your story was well-written but I fear it may be missing a climax. There was nothing in the story to show it was leading to your character's death. Out of the blue, he was angry enough to kill her for giving him good-bye sex and not wanting to marry him? It just seems over the top and not really funny. Otherwise, you had setting and developed characters enough for the story.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      January 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy

  • Mazzon
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Can't relate

    I can't really relate to this. The emotional response seems overblown. I can understand an amount of indignation in the situation, but murderous rage? Not really.
    Also Tammy saying it's the thought that counts seems off, as the thought is exactly the thing she isn't giving him. To own up to giving someone pity sex and then saying it's the thought that counts is a deliberate kick in the face. And despite turning down the main character, Tammy didn't come across as wanting to hurt him on purpose.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      December 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Well, this is not really meant to be realistic. It is meant to be humorous. Tammy was trying to let him down easy, but unfortunately, he snapped. Like socks, or the wrong kind of underwear, the impersonal nature of the sex she gave him, just blew his top. Anyway, sorry if you didn't like it. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Andy


  • DarkOneShadow
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Something seemed missing

    I understood the basis of the story and it seemed to flow alright from the start, but in the end more could have been put into it. I just can't see him killing her b/c she was being so standoffish in the end. But you did use correct grammar and spelling and it kept my attention... Good work!

    DarkOne

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      December 16, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      You feel there needed to be more to justify him killing her? Oh probably, but this was just for fun and to try to win the contest. I'm glad that you kind of like it. Thanks very much for reading and commenting.

      Andy


  • beezy92
    December 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I asked for no crime, no dark, and no horror. So I didn't read it. Feel free to enter something else though. Nice picture at the top.

  • slashinguk
    December 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    I love it

    I love this story. Repressed anger all the way...

    Totally twisted.

    Nice insight into a psycho's mind.

    The protagonist's character builds throughout the action in this very short piece. Great work. Who said romance is dead? You did!

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      December 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you!

      I am very pleased that you like this one. It takes some of the sting away from Dark Fury. I've put a lot more work into Dark Fury. This was pretty much off the top of my head, but it is kind of my normal style, except that I tried to add humor. In "Yesterday", romance is still alive, but self love is out in a rather sordid way. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.

      Andy


  • deepak-maini
    December 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Good

    More of a tragedy than a comedy, but it caught my heart as it was slipping out of my polo T-shirt. I didn't like the killing part, because I personally don't like killing people in a tale aimed to trickle a few bones here and there, but it's just my personal preference.

    The story didn't flow smoothly at a couple of places. Inner-asides of the narrator are served like fries with a burger. I believe in the burger and by-passing the fries; they are not good for health.

    It was a good read, nevertheless.

    Good luck.

    Deepak

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      December 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. Well, I can't tell if you like this story, but it is the funniest story I've got. So, I guess I'm not good with humor.

      I hope you have many good entries and much fun.

      Andy


  • Hermanator1 silver member
    November 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Perfect

    I had a feeling the ring might backfire on him but had no clue that your tie-in was that he would stop people from saying "that." I love this style of writing and try to use it occassionally. A good Hitchcock ending is a wonder to behold!
    One other thing...I did not have to wade through typos and grammatical errors. Also a wonder to behold. By the way, this is one of the few times I have rated a story all 5s.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      November 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      I'm very pleased that you like this story and that you rate it highly. Thanks very much for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. So you like Hitchcock endings? So do I, but I wasn't thinking about that when I wrote this. It's been a long time since I've see a Hitchcock production.

      Andy


  • Lostskins
    November 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Good, I was shocked when he started strangling her, it was a bit sudden. I liked the whole idea though!

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      November 27, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Poor fellow, he just cracked under the pressure of the season and the rejection. Poor gal, she just said the wrong thing at the wrong time I'm glad that you like this. Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it.

      Andy


  • Elisabeth gold member
    November 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    excellent

    A well constructed story with a surprise twist.
    It flowed well and there were no 'hiccups' that I could find
    Good luck with the contest

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      November 25, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      I'm very pleased that you like this story. I'm also glad that you felt it was well written. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.

      Andy


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    November 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    The plot isn’t unusual but your clever twists and gifted writing makes it an interesting read.

    He said if he heard that expression again he would lose it—he wasn’t exaggerating was he?

    I don’t know why but I felt sorry for the guy instead of his victim. Actually there really isn’t any reason for this; you didn’t make him out to be some kind of lonely loser. But there it is—you made me feel sorry for him. Pretty darn good writing—grin.

    The poor girl had every right to say, ‘No’ yet you made her out to be a ‘B’ good job.

    The plot isn’t unusual but your clever twists and gifted writing makes it an interesting read.

    A few things you should look at.

    (Wouldn't it be hilarious if everybody gave cash and it happened to balance evenly)) Needs a question mark not a period.

    It's only the (thought which) thought, which counts! Ha Ha!

    I was head over (heals) heels for Tammy

    Tammy was a bright young woman of twenty. Usually dressed in faded jeans and a knit top, (she also) who wore her western cut, leather jacket during the cold days. There were many of those now as Christmas was nearing. Hmm... many what? The way this reads it refers to Tammy or do you want it to refer to her jacket? or to cold days?

    I felt certain she would like the (pant suit) pantsuit.

    She was delighted when she saw the (pant suit) pantsuit.

    My last words to her, I told my lawyer, were, "It's the thought that counts!"lol

    Geri

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      November 25, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks Geri

      This was a fun story to write. Now that Christmas is coming, I have a story for the season I really appreciate the corrections. I applied all but one. I didn't really feel that "It's the thought which counts." needed a comma. Thanks for reading this story and for the comment and all the applause. It is very nice of you. You put effort into you comments and read carefully.

      Andy


  • Anaya Roma
    November 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hello Andy: This is very well written. Good luck in the contest. I would like to help: There's one typo that slipped in suade should be suede. (I hve no idea why!)

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      November 24, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it. Thanks also for pointing out my mistake. I'm pleased you like this story. I hope everything is well.

      Andy


  • Writehanded
    November 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love this! In a kind of bitter and twisted sort of way, I thought it was absolutely hilarious.

    This flowed very nicely; the dialogue between the two wasn't awkward, the characterization was good, and nothing seemed rushed.

    No typo's or grammatical errors that I noticed, but I might suggest that the last sentence be made it's own paragraph, just for that extra finality.

    Great story! [:

    Good luck.

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      November 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      There were a few typos that I caught on my second proof. It amazes me how easy it is to overlook one's own mistakes. I'll make the last sentence a separate paragraph. It increases the effect. I'm very pleased that you love this, the competition here gets tough sometimes. It is good training for writers. Thanks a lot for hosting this contest, inspiring this story, and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you have many entries, almost as good as mine and much fun.

      Andy

  • Prodigious.Mirth
    November 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    OH DESPERATE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.. are you making his a series or a onw of...either way it has way more potential than I have even anticipated.. well done with your chracter construction and emotions... it was a thouroughly good read... mind my typo's congrats and praise

    • Andy Stephenson gold member
      November 18, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      This was just kind of a quicky for this contest. It sounded like fun, so I played around with a couple of ideas and came up with this. I'm glad you like it. Think he should get off with temporary insanity? Thanks for the read, comment, and all the applause. You seem to be my biggest fan. I really appreciate it.

      Andy

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