Possession (Rewrite)

Possession 1

She's an angel. I don't say it simply to compliment her; I say it because it is true. And I learned long ago, that there is nothing greater than the truth.2

Her name is Sonja, and she is the light to my dark. I created her with my own hands, she, like all humans is of the earth. Her hair is as dark as the richest African soil. Her lips are like the black baccara rose. Her skin's as soft as the pappus of a dandelion, her scent as sweet as Jasmine. Her eyes, those sightless orbs, are the color of the stormy sky. A squall, a gale of emotions contained within those perfect little windows to her soul. Eyes that only I may see.3

My little Sonja armed with blades. Wrapped in cloth, blindfolded, pointlessly so, from the world. Like God, I am a jealous creator; I share her with no one. My dear little angel is for me, and me alone.4

I step in to her room, a grand place, furnished in white and gold and cream. I move toward her. My eyes cannot help but watch every motion as she moves gracefully through her katas.5

My beloved creation. She’s all frills and innocence, the focal point of any man's lust. I would raze whole cities for her; mutilate souls so, that Hell would deny them entrance.6

She lowers herself to her knees, arms bent, and swords crossed, one pointing towards Heaven and the other to Hell. Her silky tresses begin to cascade down. The very sight of her sends a shiver through me. I am captivated by my own creation. Is this how Zeus felt, is this why the lecherous god was so enthralled by mortal women, that he would deceive his loyal wife?7

"Sonja," I whisper. She immediately responds to my voice. Her head tilts in my direction, as though the sound of my voice caresses her ears.8

Those sharp and deadly blades are laid to rest on the floor. My little seductress stands and moves towards me, sightless, yet acutely aware of her surroundings. Her hands are soon against my black clad torso. I can feel the heat she radiates. Soon she is flush against me, her face buried in my chest. 9

My lips touch the delicious skin of her neck and my nostrils flare as the scent of flowers assaults my senses. This is how the earth should smell and how sugar should taste. She whispers my name like a silent prayer and something stirs within me. I am God to her, I molded her, let her worship me in return.10

Mine! 11

Woe to the one that touches what belongs to a daemon.12

Woe to the one that touches what belongs to me.

Author notes

Yes, Amanda Vampiress I have read the rules for your contest: Anything Fantasy, Mystical, Supernatural goes!!!!!!

A contest entry

Enjoy

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • andhearts. ox
    July 10
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    Great work


  • Amin O.F
    January 22

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    A little creepy, even for me, but very well written. Good use of words, and I would be interested in reading your other stories. Anyhow, I made a few points...

    contained with in those perfect - within

    Her hair is as brown as the bountiful earth --- I'm not sure about the description of the earth being "brown".

    Like God I am a jealous creator, --- comma after God.

    My dear little angel is for me and me alone ---- comma after first, "me"

    Is this how Zeus felt ---- ? after felt.

  • anita8
    January 11

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    Very Interesting!

    I thought it was well written, and intruging at the same time. I like your vocabulary usage, and how the descriptions. It kept me reading!


  • iPoopAThug
    December 4, 2008
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    Captiviating

    I really liked this I must say. The whole imagery of it all was fascinating. The feeling of warmth and the creation of a innocent automaton was both unique and full of imagery that filled the senses. The references to gods and everything else was wonderful as well.


  • Kevan gold member
    November 25, 2008
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    This is a very interesting story, to say the least. You intrigued me and drew me in right from the beginning with the whole "creating her of dirt, flowers and clay." After that I was hooked until the end.

    Your description created the perfect images, and I'm really glad to have read it. Best of luck in all your contests.

    xoxox.
    Kevan.


  • Fallen Star
    November 23, 2008

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    This is really a beautiful piece, the vocabulary is perfect, not too dull and not too over-the-top to the point I have to retrieve a dictionary and keep it at my side. I adore the concept of a man being the creator of another, the god of another for doing so. Truly remarkable.
    Another thing, I love the way you described Sonja, how you didn't spend too long going into pointless details but caught all the right details that made the piece flow, instead of sound choppy and uncertain.
    Once again, excellent job. ^^

    ~Alix ♥


  • iriss
    November 19, 2008

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    i really liked this. I liked everything about it. It was extremly well written. The descriptions were really good. I love any story with good desciptions. Surprisingly no errors. I loved that. keep up the good work and keep writing.


  • amanda vampiress silver member
    November 18, 2008
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    Stunning! This was really great. I liked the plot, the structure, and especially the tone of the story. It had a very 'old' feel to it. The descriptions were very thorough and well written. I did not spot any mistakes or errors; everything was to my liking. Thank you for entering into my contest, and good luck!


  • Sousuke
    July 23, 2008

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    WOAH. That was great! How do you not have four trophies? o.o Excellent! I loved the part where she says she would rip apart cities for her. Crazy. Amazing.


  • yumesandman
    January 7, 2008

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    Aside from being a little on the creppy side, it's good.

    I would suggest looking over the fifth paragraph again. That was where I found all of the sentences that were a little awkward.

    It is a little weird, because it sort of feels like a father/daughter relationship gone very very wrong. However, you do a great job of making the reader want to know more about the man and Helen. How exactly did he create her?

    Uber creepy, but also uber good.


  • Paragonz Shadow
    January 4, 2008

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    Perhaps say 'Her eyes, those sightless orbs are..'. Also, in the third paragraph, I think it should be blindfolded, instead of blindfold and in the fourth, delete the word colours from the first sentence. In p. number 5, the word will in the last sentence should be replaced by would.

    Other than that, I enjoyed this piece! You have an interesting style of writing that seems to prefer long sentences and delightful imagry, and I think it suited this piece. Your main character was interesting and so was the only other one. Not much to say on the dialog, as it was only one word

    Perhaps, the description of her becomes a little tedious after a while...it is long and full of metaphore and simile, but it is also imaginative and you seem to get away with it.

    I like the ending. It was perfect to finish off this piece as you clearly and concisely stated something that was hinted at but not said in the rest of the piece and answered on one the major questions.

    I enjoyed this, and good luck in my contest!


  • Ayesha Raees
    November 29, 2007
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    oh my
    this is really good!
    i love it!
    its amazing!!!
    very cute too!

    and the concluding lines rocks!
    great work!!!
    i love it!

1 - 12 of 12