What a Shame.

A few years ago, before movies were invented, you would just die. The atheists were all right, there was nothing else up there. But that was before Robot Monster. You see, the Robot Monster got sad because nobody liked it. It was a terrible movie, but he thought it was great. The Robot Monster had an idea! Now people would like the movie…1

The Robot Monster decided to make up a heaven and a hell. Basically, he invented the afterlife. To go with this grand plan, he needed a new name. He pondered Rumpelstiltzken, Apple, Pogo-Mogo, and Phil Tucker. Then the perfect name came to him. Ed Wood.2

Henceforth, the Robot Monster would no longer be known as the Robot Monster, but as Ed Wood.3

Heaven was a fairly simple process. You had to be a frequent moviegoer, a generally nice person, and you had to be cremated following your death. When you were there, the first thing you would do was watch Robot Monster. There was always good food in heaven, and the beds were very comfortable. You could do whatever you wanted on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Sunday was movie day! It would always start with Robot Monster, which was then followed by other movies Ed Wood loved. Especially Ed Wood movies.4

Of course, no one really liked Ed Wood movies, so Sundays were torture. Hell was nicer. In Hell, every day started with one of the “bad movies” such as Lord of the Rings and Finding Nemo. The rest of the day was filled with back-straining work, but the movies made up for it.5

In fact, mostly only the very evil people went to heaven, so the generally nice rule was removed after a while. You wouldn’t cremate the nice people because hell was the general preference. The only reason you would cremate one of your friends was The Blow Up. If you took some of the ashes, threw them at whatever you wanted, and recited seven lines from Robot Monster, then whatever the ashes landed on would blow up when the next new movie came out.6

Shortly, Ed Wood’s plan hadn’t worked. He was the god and almighty ruler of death, but everyone still hated Robot Monster. 7

What a shame.8