A child doesn't know he's dead
So he wanders, round and round
Lost in a cloud of fog
of loneliness1
His voice is empty, he speaks
To people, who cannot listen.
"Mother!" he calls beneath
his breath. His cheeks, glisten.2
His eyes are stained with tears,
His fists clenched to his gut
He's so alone here
Coccooned in chilling mist.3
Mother cries out again,
Sprawled over his empty bed.
She clenches the icy sheets,
of her child, who is dead.4
If only he wasn't dead.
Author notes
I think I read the rules wrong, I'm not sure...
A contest entry
- The Poet's Challenge - Round II by Asfand.
100 points, ended December 22, 2007, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Poetry(I'll add more points soon) by Myeisha.
185 points, ended December 8, 2007, 35 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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OH MAN. i think the start of this poem takes away from the GREAT ending.
an ok start..to an amazing finish.
and it all starts with this line:
His eyes are stained with tears.
goodjob. deff keep it up
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Tsk, how sad ...
You brought a mourning not only in the visions you showed, but in every word of your poem. I think it's strong emotionally.
You characters are desperate, both of them, the mother and the son, are pretty much in despair, and it really shows.
Nice job! -
Well...
It seems more like part of a story to me.
I guess it's a poem, I really don't know.
Good job though and thanks for entering!!!
Keep on Writing!!
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that was depressing but great story
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Oooooh. That is a GREAT last line.
I liked this. I love rhyming poems.
....I have no idea how people critique poems. I never was able to. Thus, besides "His cheeks, glisten" (there shouldn't be a comma, because as is, the comma seems weird) I think this poem is pretty good.
Good job! -
That is so sad!!!! You made me cry.
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What is your icon? The face looks so familiar....?
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