At the front of the Western Bridge that led to Worlds Eternal; high above the occasional, hunchbacked figure, towering above heaps of smouldering rubbish, painted black, floodlit and guarded by two towers containing men with snipers, someone had placed a Wish Box.
Author notes
Child of the Gallows.
A contest entry
- First Lines! by Bitter Irony.
200 points, ended November 30, 2007, 56 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Ooh Wish Box.
*is curious*
Are there more stories about a Wish Box by you? I liked this and would like to know more.
--Aden
-
That last segment caught my attention, but this first line contains too much description to be truly effective. If you must use adjectives, use only one per noun. Also, ; are used to separate complete ideas; the first part of this "compound sentence" doesn't contain a verb, it's just a prepositional phrase. Replace ; with a comma.
See if you can put the Wish Box closer to the beginning to get a better impact.
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
~Bitter Irony -
You caught my attention. This is one of the most descriptive first lines I think I have ever read, and at the same time you left me wanting to know more. What an accomplishment! Many people can't pull all of that off in the first paragraph, and here you've done it with one sentence. Amazing! Nicely done!
Adding your comment:
