Wayne's Magical Weekend Trip

Hi, my name is Wayne, and this is the first of many adventures that I have decided to turn into my chronicles.1

Last Friday, May fourth, I had just finished writing my English paper and stuck them in my back pocket. My mom’s birthday was Sunday, so I decided to fly out to Russia to find her the perfect birthday present. When I landed I was walking around looking in and out of shops, when I accidentally bumped into the head of the Russian Mafia.2

“Oy! Watch where ya are going ya bloody peckler.” He said.3

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” I said looking at him skeptically.4

“Ya best be sorry lad, don’cha know that ya don’ mess with the Russian Mafia.”5

At this point I just laughed at him.6

“What’s so funny lad?”7

“You have the thickest Scottish accent I have ever heard, and you have the balls to claim that You are part of the Russian Mafia. I mean you’re not even fucking Russian for Christ’s sake.”8

“Listen ya lil’ peckler!” He said getting pissed.9

“What the fuck is a Peckler!?” I asked while trying to stop laughing.10

“Ya don’ know wha’ a peckler is?” He asked me skeptically.11

“No I don’ know wha’ a peckler is!” I said mocking him.12

“That’s it ya are in for an ass kicking now, ya are.” He said and he took a whistle out of his pocket and blew it four times. The next thing I knew I was surrounded by a group of thirty Russians.13

“Oh shit!” I thought as I looked at the people around me laughing carrying pipes, chains, knives, and brass knuckles. Thinking fast I pointed and shouted, “Look! That bloke is sporting the English colors!”14

At once they all looked as if they were ready to kill someone and turned. In that split second they were distracted I made a run for it. They turned back and chased after me. I ran into the woods hoping I could lose them. They followed me like a pack of hounds on the hunt. I made it into a clearing, but it was a cliff edge, I was trapped! I was about to run back into the woods, when the Russians came into the clearing, they laughed and slowly approached, because they knew I had no where left to run. I dropped to my knees, and I prayed.15

‘God, Allah, Buddha, which ever one of you is real, please help me.” I looked up into the sky, and thought that I must be hallucinating, because I saw Mounties! Riding sheep! I kept looking, but I wasn’t hallucinating I realized as they landed in front of me and said, “Quickly, get on.”16

The Scottish/ Russians started running now trying to catch me, but they were too late. I hopped onto the back of the nearest sheep, and we took off. “Thank you.” I though as we started to fly away. I looked back, and my English paper fell out of my back pocket.17

“Shit! Turn around, I have to get those papers!” I shouted to the Mountie riding the sheep.18

“No way, we are only going one way.” he replied.19

“You stupid fucking Canadians grow some balls and turn around.” I shouted, but they just ignored me. I tried to jump off, but I was caught by another Mountie on a different sheep. I looked down and wept silently, as I saw them burning my papers.20

As we were flying over the Atlantic Ocean, Lucky, the Leprechaun came up next to us, and said, “Quick lad come with me.”21

“Why?” I asked him.22

“Look behind you.” he simple stated. I looked back, and there was the Russian Mafia, following us on goats!23

“Jesus fucking Christ!! Where the hell is everyone getting flying animals from?” I thought. “Fuck! Can’t these sheep go any faster?”24

“No sir they are at full capacity as it is.” The Canadian replied.25

“Fucking Canadians. Can’t you do anything right?” I asked them as I threw one of them at the Russian’s and jumped over to Lucky, and we left everyone in the dust.26

Lucky took out a joint and asked me, “You want a hit laddy?”27

“No, I don’t smoke.” I tell him as he lights it.28

“Too bad lad, ya don’ know what’cha are missing.” he said as he took a hit. We landed shortly after he finished smoking his joint, at a little cottage in Ireland and he said, “Welcome to my home.”29

“Ummm, why are we in Ireland? I thought you were going to take me back to America.” I said.30

“First off lad, I never said where I was taking ya, and secondly there ain’t no way in hell I am back to tha’ shit hole!” He told me.31

“Well, why not?” I asked getting aggravated.32

“Cause they would find me ya dumbass.” 33

“Who would find you?”34

“The bloody kids! I hate those friggin snot covered lil’ brats!” He said vehemently. I looked at him suspiciously and came up with an idea on how to get him to take me back to America.35

“Well, you are going to take me back or when I do get back I will tell all of them where to find you.” I started to walk away thinking that he now had no choice but to take me when I felt something hit me in the back of the head and I blacked out.36

I woke up in an old basement with a dirt floor, some barrels of wine, a shovel, and a few cups with the worst migraine of my life. I tried to open the door, but it was locked so I helped myself to the wine. After as while Lucky came in with some food.37

“How’s ya head lad?”38

“It feels like I was hit with a mac truck.” I told him rubbing the back of my head.39

“No, just a pot o’ gold.” He said smiling. “Ah, I see that ya had yaself some o’ the wine. Well what do ya think? How is it?”40

“It is pretty good.”41

“I made it myself ya know.”42

“Really? That is pretty cool. So when can I leave?”43

“Well I’m afraid that I can’t let ya leave laddy.”44

“Ummm, why not?”45

“O’ cause o’ that lil’ stint o’ yours ‘bout telling them kids where I am.”46

“I was only bluffing so you would take me home.” I desperately explained.47

“I wish I could trust ya lad, but I can’t take that chance.”48

“Please? It is my mom’s birthday tomorrow, and I have to be there.”49

“Look, I am really sorry lad, but I’ll tell ya what, I will send ya mom a lil’ something when ya get home ok?”50

“Ok, but how the hell am I supposed to get home?” I asked getting really pissed.51

“Don’ ask me.” He said as he left.52

“Fuck! What the hell do I do now?” I screamed, I was answered by silence. I sat down and ate the food, and drank some more wine. I laid down to take a nap, but I couldn’t sleep, and I was staring at the shovel when I got an idea.53

I picked up the shovel, and I started digging. I don’t know how long I was digging, but when I broke through the surface I was surrounded by the cast of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.54

“Oy! Who the hell are you?” One of them asked.55

“I am Wayne, I just escaped from Lucky’s basement.” I told them.56

“I always hated that guy, and never trusted him.” Another one said.57

“Hey lad, you wanna help us with a lil’ something?”58

“Sure, I have nothing better to do with my time. So what are we doing?”59

“We are going to dethrone the Queen of England.”60

“Nice! What do I have to do?” I excitedly asked.61

“Well it is really simple. All ya have to do is kidnap the Queen.” One of them said.62

“Yeah, just knock her out, and Ol’ Poncho will get you in and out with no hassles.” Another one said.63

“Poncho?” I asked and they led a Lama out on a rope. “Um, hi Poncho.”64

“Hello my good sir. How do you do?” Poncho said.65

“Holy fucking shit! It talks!” I yelled as I fell over backwards in shock.66

“That is correct, and I would prefer that you call me he rather than it. I find it quite insulting.” Poncho said in a most civilized manner.67

“I am sorry, you have my deepest apologies.” I said trying to be civilized.68

“it is quite all right shall we be on our way?” He asked as he moved in front of me.69

“Um, sure I guess.” I said as I hopped onto his back.70

Poncho was very fast and agile. We made it to the Buckingham Palace in no time. He jumped the wall, and took us straight to the Queen’s chamber while avoiding the guards. There we were met with the most disturbing enlightenment ever. Instead of a Queen there was a guy dressed in drag!71

“Who the fuck are you?” I asked while trying to stop myself from vomiting. 72

“I am the Queen.” He said in a very high pitched voice.73

“No your not! You are a friggin’ dude!” I told him.74

“Noooo, I am the Queen.” for lack of a better word “it” said.75

“no, look you are using grape fruit fro breasts for Christ’s sake.”76

“I am not using grape fruit.”77

“Yes they are see.” I said as I reached down its dress and took one out. It wasn’t a grape fruit.78

“You see, I told you they weren’t grape fruit.” It said and giggled.79

“Ok, so they are not grape fruit, they are cantaloupe, but that isn’t any better. And look you have a fucking erection right now!” 80

“I am sorry, but you reaching down my dress got me a bit excited.” It said, and I shuddered.81

“Just get in the fucking bag, and shut the fuck up before I am forced to hurt you.” I said, and it got into the bag. As we were starting to leave some palace guards came into the room.82

“Run Poncho!” I shouted as I threw the Queen onto Poncho’s back. Poncho started to run, and the guards came towards me. I pulled down my pants, and ripped the most revolting fart of my life. The guards and myself were all knocked out by its stench, and I yet again awoke to find myself to be a prisoner.83

“You smelly dumbass, get ready.” A guard said.84

“First off I am not smelly you fucking British dumbass. And second ready for what?” I asked him.85

“You are being departed back to Scotland.”86

“Scotland? I am not Scottish. What kind of a fucking idiot are you?”87

“Look, you didn’t have any papers or identification and the Queen said that you are from Scotland, so that is where you are going.”88

“Queen? What Queen? What you have is a guy dressed in drag.” The guard was pissed, so he hit me in the face and shouted, “I will not have you speaking badly of our beautiful, beloved Queen ya bloody Wanker, now get up an let’s go.” I learned later that Poncho had gotten trapped, and dropped the Queen as he made his escape.89

He dragged me to my feet and handcuffed my hands and feet and led me out of the jail. I was driven to the docks and sent over to Scotland on a ferry. There was a sad sight, every where I looked men were wearing skirts. I thought I was going to go blind from the horror. I did my best not to look, but I tried the most not to laugh, because those guys wearing skirts were huge.90

Out of boredom I decided to go fishing. I was sitting on the dock all day without so much as a nibble. I was about to give up and leave when I got a huge bite. It took me ten minutes to reel it in, it was a huge Tuna.91

It was the biggest Tuna I had ever seen. “I wonder how much I could sell it for.” I said to no one.92

“Don’t sell me laddy.” The Tuna said.93

“Jesus fucking Christ! Do all animals talk now a day? I mean first the Llama and now the fish.” I asked.94

“Looky here lad, I ain’t no normal fish, I am a magical Tuna. And if you do me a favor, I will grant you one wish.”95

“Sure, what do you want?”96

“I want this girl ya see…” The Tuna told me how the girl had cheated him, and he wanted his revenge. He told me where she lived, so I went to her house, and knocked on the door. 97

I was in utter shock and despair when the door was answered by the head of the Russian Mafia.98

“Oh fuck!” I shouted and started to run.99

I heard him shout, “Oy, lads it’s the peckler again, let’s get him!” and I looked back and saw them chasing me again. I turned down a side street and it turned out to be a dead end. 100

“Shit! What the hell do I do now?” I asked myself as I turned around, and saw them all standing in the alley entrance smiling to each other and laughing.101

“We got ya now ya lil’ peckler.” The Mafia Head said laughing. I tried to think of a way to distract them, but I nothing came to mind and the Mafia Head said, “Ah, poor lad. There is no way out and this time no one is coming to help ya. Face it laddy ya are fucked.” Everyone but me started laughing.102

Suddenly an idea hit me on how to buy some time, so I said, “Wait one second! If you are the head of the Russian Mafia than what are you doing in Scotland?” 103

“O’ cause o’ me daughter. She lives here in Scotland.”104

“You have a daughter?” I asked him skeptically. “I mean no offense, but I don’t understand why the fuck anyone in their right mind would ever sleep with you, no matter how drunk they were. What were they blind, deaf or mute? Or maybe all three? Because you must know how fugly you are right?”105

Now this really pissed him off, so he screamed bloody murder and everyone started to run at me. I shut my eyes and prepared to kiss my ass goodbye when I heard a loud umph and something hit a barrel. I looked up and there was Poncho standing in front of me.106

“Are you alright Wayne?” He asked me as he kicked one of them square in the balls. 107

“Yeah I am, but I don’t think that guy will ever be able to have sex again, if he isn’t a virgin, which I doubt.” 108

“That is quite all right, I personally don’t care, now let us be out of here.” He said, so I climbed onto his back and he jumped over everyone and we were gone. I told Poncho about the Tuna and his promise, so we went back to Mafia’s daughter’s house. I got off Poncho, and knocked on the door.109

I was expecting some hideously ugly girl to answer the door, but the girl who answered it was gorgeous. With long black hair, beautiful bright hazel eyes, a drop dead gorgeous smile, perfect body, and perfect ass. I was speechless for a second, but than I said, “Hi, I am Wayne, your father sent me to come get you.”110

“I am Caitlin, and why would he do that?” She asked me.111

“Someone is going to try and kidnap you, and soon, so he asked me to get you out of the country. Now no more questions let’s go.” I said as I grabbed her hand and helped her onto Poncho. When we got to the shore the Tuna was right there waiting for me. When Caitlin saw the Tuna, she tried to make a run for it, but I grabbed her and led her down to the Tuna. He saw that I had the girl and said, “Good job, now what is your wish?”112

Caitlin looked at me like I had betrayed her, and I told the Tuna, “My wish is that you return Caitlin and I to the Unites States unharmed.” 113

“What?” The Tuna asked me looking as if I had betrayed him now.114

“That is my one and only wish I am going to make, and you have to grant it now.”115

The Tuna was pissed, he stared at me and finally said, “Very well, a deal is a deal, and you did bring me the girl. Let’s go.” 116

“I guess this is goodbye Poncho, thank you for everything.” I said.117

“Goodbye Wayne, hopefully our paths will cross again one day.” Poncho said and he turned and left without another word.118

Caitlin hugged me and whispered, “Thank you” and we both got on the Tuna, and he took us back to Massachusetts. 119

It was two in the morning when Caitlin and I got back to my house, and my mom was sitting awake looking as if she was going to kill me.120

“Umm…. Hi mom.” I said with Caitlin standing next to me.121

“Don’t you fucking “hi mom” me. Where the hell have you been? I have been worried sick not knowing where you were. And who is this?” She asked the last question in a pleasant voice.122

“Ok first, where have I been? I went to get you a … FUCK I knew that I forgot something.” I turned around to think for a second and there on the ground was a little box with a gold and diamond necklace, and matching earrings and a note. I turned back around and said, “I forgot your birthday present, so I had to go and get it. Happy birthday mom.” 123

I read the note and it said, “I told ya I would get ya a gift for her didn’t I lad?124

- Lucky.125

P.S. Are ya sure ya don’t wanna smoke it up sometime?”126

“Awwww, thank you Wayne, but you are still in sooo much trouble right now.”127

“And two, this is Caitlin, she is a good friend of mine, and right now she really needs somewhere to stay. Is it ok if she stays with us?”128

“Of course Wayne, but since we are short on rooms you will have to share with her.” My mom said and we both just smiled at each other. She added, “Do you mind honey? I mean if you want your own room, I can always have Wayne share with his Brother, I just thought that you would rather share a room with him.”129

“I don’t mind sharing a room with Wayne, and thank you very much for your hospitality.” Caitlin said.130

“Well mom it is late, so we are going to go to bed, night.”131

“Night you two” My mom said. As I led Caitlin to her new room.132

I will leave you to guess what went on with Caitlin and I sharing a room, but for now I must take my leave. So until my next adventure, this is good bye.