if only i knew

The sky was dark a few stars eyes twinkled in the evening sky. The lit stage showed the figures of the dancers move and twist in expressive dance. The crowd sat shivering in awe. There was a chill that blew over them that summer night. Sitting in the front row I was next to him I wasn’t even paying attention to him though. I was entranced and moved by the inspiring dancers on stage. People who had over come disabilities, peoples prejudices so they could express themselves. This achievement opened my heart. My heart beat fast all I wanted was for all people with special needs to be given the chance to break out and seize these opportunities. I felt a lump in my throat as I thought of all the people I knew who would benefit so greatly from these chances but would probably never get the opportunity. I was too fascinated by what was going on before me to stop myself from crying. Like ice the first tear hit my cheek waking me from my trance. The cold chilling tear awakened me to my self consciousness. I glanced around to make sure no one noticed I buried my head in my knees and tried to wipe away the tears. I looked u and thought I had gone unnoticed and then I met his crystal clear gaze in this moment of time everything was confused. He had noticed. I shook my head, flashed a smile and gazed back trying to show nothing was wrong. He still looked at me. It seemed my smile hadn’t hindered anything. I couldn’t keep eye contact with him anymore it made me feel uneasy. I dropped my eyes. As soon as I did his cool word caressed my ear. “I hope those are tears of happiness “he said. I didn’t know what to say. Those few words were nicer than anything my boyfriend had ever said to me. I was shocked. What I wanted was a hug but I knew I couldn’t my heart was tethered and the reins were in someone else’s hand. I hid my head to allow myself to think. 1

Memories of everything came back. I remembered happiness and innocence as I was wrapped in his jacket, held tight and kissed. Happiness didn’t last for us some how things spiralled down and ended. 2

After that life moved on a friendship was bound between us. A friendship stronger than I think either of us ever gave it credit for. Randomly we would meet and walk endlessly around town just talking and pouring our hearts out. Well usually it was me doing the pouring but still it was a good friendship. I remember I felt like telling him my life’s sorrow, my ball and chain. His shoulder was the only shoulder of a guy that I had ever washed with my tears.3

But now our roads had parted, this was the first time I had seen him in ages. I was now snared by a boy but my innocence wouldn’t let me realise how poison he was. Slowly his poison flowed through me until there was nothing I could do my hand had to tight a grasp around the bottle. One day my hold on the bottle was so strong that it broke. Glass flew everywhere and a sliver stuck in my heart. I was left lonely. I wasn’t even left with myself to try and heal my wounds. I had lost my self under a mountain on pain. The cuts on my hand healed but the sliver in my heart pulsed poison around my body changing me. I tried so hard to break the glass or to pull it out but that was impossible it needed to be melted. My blind hand searched to try and find someone who would hold it who would look after me but every hand I found was forbidden or I was pushed away. So in solitude I socialized trying to stay as close to my friends and reality as possible. Little did I know all this pain would come about when I took my first sip from the bottle.4

I raised my head he was no longer looking at me that brief moment was over, the dance had finished. The crowd started to move away. My other friends and that same charming boy came to stay at mine that night. That night he sang, he sang a song so sweet with a voice so soft. I remember sitting there watching him, his head down, his body curled into the guitar. His voice was like nothing I had ever heard, it was so unexpected, and it was truly beautiful. If only I knew then that he would be the one who would melt the poison glass in my heart. If only I knew he was the one whose kisses would stir such strong emotion in me. If only I knew that same voice would sing to me.5