My Minute Manual on Methods of Misplacing your Mind

Have you ever been wandering aimlessly and suddenly had the startling realization that you have no clue who you are or what you are doing? Having this stark epiphany, you step to the nearest mirror. Looking into the mirror you realize that the face you are looking at is entirely unfamiliar. Thus you gaze into the eyes staring back at you, and see nothing but an unceasing abyss of chaos. This leads you to the logical conclusion that your mind is out for tea at the moment. Then you further realize that you have utilized logic to come to the most illogical of conclusions. This should cause what little sane mental faculties you have left to snap themselves in half in frustration. After that you may find yourself screaming something utterly random, ranging from a lecture on the migratory patters of pigeons to a sonnet about how incessant telemarketers can be. At this point, having expelled some of the lunatic ravings your mind may get a slight grip on itself. The fractured parts of your brain enter into an argument. One sides claims you are insane, another claims it doesn’t even matter, and the third muses about the price of tea in China (which, due to exchange rates, turns out to be quite acceptable). Having set up this internal trialouge you feel as if you’ve entered a level of consciousness thus far unattained by humanity. If you are like me, you will decide that a celebratory cigarette is in order. If, like me, you lose your mind in the chill of an Autumn night, you will think that the air is so wonderful that you should celebrate with a cigarette. Noticing that you are now smoking two cigarettes, you will probably laugh hysterically at your own antics, greatly enjoying the freedom this frame of mind gives you.1

Any why not? You went mad, you might as well enjoy it. It’s not every day that you can do whatever the hell comes to mind without fear of lowered self esteem or personal berating at a later date. At this point, you can do whatever you damn well please. That’s up to you. I personally greatly enjoying yelling random things at passing cars. Another personal favorite of mine is engaging the city (not the residents, but the city itself) in a debate about how unbelievably awful it is being, and how it should probably shape up. The possibilities at this point are limitless.2

If, at any point, you start to feel like you should stop what you are doing, for fear of public reprimand, just remind yourself of this. You are mad. The other four fragmented parts of your mind should surely agree with this sentiment, and quiet their logical prattling. Dance naked in the rain, crawl through the wilderness, try to convince that damnable fly to stop buzzing about your head. It’s nobodies business but your own, and you should probably make sure that every person that you meet is well aware of this fact. Otherwise, they might start taking an interest in you, and suggest that you take some sedatives, lie down for a while, or fuck off. 3

Speaking of people, you should probably avoid them. An elevator full of boring normal people may find it hard to deal with you at this point. But that’s okay. They just don’t understand how much fun you’re having. And why should they? They didn’t go through all the effort you did. They didn’t stand at the brink of rationality, wonder what the bottom looked like, and jump nonchalantly. No, they don’t understand what fun you’re having, and they never will.4

Eventually, you’ll find that this has all grown quite boring. At that point you have two options: commit yourself, or give your mind a ring and ask it to come back for a while. It may need a stern talking to. After all, who does it think it is, wandering off and leaving you like this? Like it or not, you generally need the bastard. You may decide to end your forays into the absurd. But that’s entirely up to you. I personally take jaunts like this quite often. They help me regulate. After all, we build up so much madness in tiny bits throughout our lives that it can’t possibly hurt to expel them in deluges every so often. However, if you find madness unsettling, devoid of enjoyment, or just an unfortunate inconvenience you should read something else. I have no clue how to keep people sane, only how to facilitate vacations from the world of normalcy.5