Diary in the making: Abandonment

Isn't it strange how priorities can change so drastically over such a small amount of time? Going from one value to the next is just common, daily aspects of life it seems. But why so drastic? Why so often?1

All my life I've felt like I was struggling to find purpose in everything. Absolutely everything. Over the past few years, however, purpose turned to reason. Give me a reason. As if I'm trying to get together as many things as I can to attempt to convince myself that there's still a reason to be here, living, breathing, laughing, crying, falling; that there had to be reasons to go through the day.2

I think I found that most in God; I think I really believed whole-heartedly that there had to be a purpose for me here, since God doesn't make people for no reason. I think things were, in a sense, easier, (even though they were more challenging due to accountability) because I had that firm foundation of belief, 'There is a reason. I have a purpose'3

Lately, however... dealing with a feeling of absence from God, I guess I've lost that foundation. As though I've felt God was abandoning me, finally giving up, and in that, he took my rock. He was my rock. Now I'm just this structureless mess of depression and insecurity that I just can't seem to make right again.4

You know what I've realized being stuck here? There's no purpose for me just laying around.5

In my attempt to try to gather up little tid-bits of reasons, all I've ran across is stupid, un-needed things; 'I get my license and car soon', or 'I just need to see how this first issue of the School Newspaper is going to turn out, I worked so hard on it.'6

I'm lacking moral reasoning like, 'They'll miss me, and I'll miss them.', 'What else will I miss out on in life? Kids? Career? Love?', or even 'This will hurt them, if I'm gone... they will be hurt." 7

I've honestly, as much as I hate to admit it, come to not be afraid of what I'll miss, or who I'll hurt. I've come to simply Not care! "Not many people will even truly care" I tell myself, but the truth behind that is a mystery to me, entirely.8

Here's one fear, however, that has some moral structure to it. Let's step back to the last priority I had before I became encompassed in this stupid pit of depression: God. 9

I feel as though God has abandoned me now. So the fear is: will he do the same when [and if] I show up at his feet? Will he turn and leave me to hell because I've done an ultimate sin? Or will he take me in, see my pain, and comfort me? 10

It's a big question. One that can't be answered by anyone in this life, I know. As much as I want to know the truth, even as much as I don't want to be here, I honestly think that is the force stopping me from committing that ultimate sin.11

There comes a new topic. There is absolutely Something stopping me. Something. I have the things I need, I believe, to take care of it. But something is making me wake up every morning. Something is making me step out of that bed even though I have no desire to. Something is making me shout a call for help. Something. It's not me. I know me. I'm not that type of person. It's something, though.12

It's so.. I don't honestly know, difficult, maybe? Heart-aching, tiresome, saddening. I'm stuck in this rut, this pit. Without my rock, without my foundation, just stuck in this meaningless, hopeless, miserable hole, with no evident purpose.13

And as much as I try... nothing gets me out.14

I'm stuck.15

Abandoned.