1
The deliquescence of the soul had already begun in the man hunched over on the floor beside the couch. He wondered why there wasn’t a band called “Deliquescence,” since it would fit perfectly with his state of mind. After all, there was that one band, “Evanescence.” 2
He slowly lifted his hands and stared at them. Defensive wounds, that’s what they’d say. Defensive wounds against his attacker. Who was his attacker, though? The police were on their way and would arrive shortly, and all he could do was stare at his hands. It’s no wonder his family viewed him as the quintessential black sheep that every family had. He caused all the problems, and only now was he beginning to understand that. It really was his fault that mom died. He’d been the one to cause his step-parents to divorce. At least, that’s what his old man said. Not that it mattered anymore; his old man wouldn’t be saying much of anything anymore. 3
Crimson liquid worked his way down his arm, ever-methodical, until it fell upon the floor in a perfect circle. Another defensive wound. Or maybe not, but then again, he couldn’t really keep track anymore. He’d spent half his life simply defending himself from, well, himself. Defending others from himself. He couldn’t hurt anyone else, oh no, so he turned that anger, that hatred, upon himself. He never hurt himself, not physically. No, he simply vented the anger he felt for others at himself, berating his poor mind until he could do nothing but sink to his knees and cover his head with his hands. 4
He slid his hands up to the back of his head and rocked back and forth on his knees, sighing and breathing with intermittent sobs breaking through. He’d proved he was a bad boy now, he could no longer deny it. But had he ever really denied it? He couldn’t remember the last time he stood against his parents, particularly his father. Now he had, and he was to be punished for it. 5
But he’d been punished all his life. Maybe he DID something wrong all those years and just didn’t know it. Maybe he was pure evil in human form. 6
He shook his head slowly and wiped his face off. Forget speculation, he WAS pure evil. He’d proven it now. Everything his old man had ever said about him was true, he realized that now. He’d given in to words, simple, weak, everyday words. He was weak. 7
He could hear the sirens outside now. He stood up shakily and let his arms fall to his sides. He tried lifting his head and realized he couldn’t, for doing so would mean facing his crime, and he simply couldn’t do that. He held his head low and sat on the couch, bending forward to rest his face in his hands. 8
He never looked up as he waited for the police to arrive, but instead, only hoped the nightmare would someday end.9
Author notes
I think this counts as one of those stories where I knew \exactly\ what I wanted to write, only the right words wouldn't come to my mind. As a result, I will probably edit this extensively before the contest closes. I realize editing (and following your suggestions, as I'm sure you'll have plenty for this entry) will not affect my entry's standing in the contest, but if anything else, I will probably do it for my sake, and just so I can know what you think of it as I go along editing it. I hope you enjoy it, and by the way, how many entries are we allowed to have?
Oh yeah, this, I think, fits under Options Two and Five.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
-
Eh, I prefer "Nightmare II" over this one, just 'cause I thought I wrote it better
.
-
Man, you're pure evil now? I could feel the...total hopelessness of him/it/this dude.
Ha, I'm back to reading your archives. Damn, they're long.
Still not you, though.
♥ -
Thanks; I generally try and get inside my main character's head, and it seems like lately, from what those who have read what I've written have said, that I've been getting better at it. Good luck to you too in the contest.
-
As always, your amazing talent for creating the most interesting stories never fails to both intrique me and hold me captive. Great job! Good luck in the contest!
-
Thank you.
-
:) 1
very good i like it
p.s. a/s/l (im) it to me please -
Thank you.
-
ooo... i like it.. i like the twisted knowledge and the not so obvious statement of murder... heh. awesome!
-
Ahhh, I see what you're saying now. Thank you for clarifying it for me. As for the two entries that are allowed, I'll see if I can come up with a second one. Thank ya.
-
And I just realized I hadn't answered your question... I'll say two entries per person. I'll add that to the contest page.
-... -
My apologies for the confusion on that one line. It was here, in the fourth paragraph: "the last time he stood against his parents," it would be "had stood" since it was in the past, etc. But again, feel free to take what suggestions you want, and only those. ^.^ Thanks for the wish of luck, and for your patience with that confusing bit.
-Me Again. -
Well, the "crimson liquid worked his way..." part, that was merely a typo, but thanks for pointing it out to me, 'cause I hadn't seen it lol. The other stuff, that's just my preference when I write stuff, that's all. One thing you pointed out, however, confused me a bit. "Same here, 'he stood,' 'had stood.'"--What part was that?
I'm glad you liked it overall, and if this really was the only piece in the contest that actually followed the rules, then that's pathetic; writers need to pay attention to the rules of the contest they enter. I try to do that for every contest I enter. Good luck judging your contest when it comes time to do so. -
Oh yes... definitely feel free to edit this piece as much as you'd like, I'll be reading all entries again at least once before I actually judge them. I'd love to keep up with how you change this, if you decide to. Good luck again.
-Me. -
So far, this is the only piece that has followed the rules in the contest... so thank you for that. But to move on now...
I definitely thought this was a well written piece. I liked how it was completely inside this man's mind, and yet you still left me feeling distanced from him. Also, I thought it was a nice touch that he never thought exactly, "I killed him." I think that would have thrown off the film of mental instability you created. The whole piece seemed to be moving in a slow circle, slowly pulling the man more tightly into himself. The way you have it ended sort of left me teetering on the edge with your main character, and I liked that feeling.
Actually, there are only a couple things I wanted to mention. "Crimson liquid worked his way"... that would be "worked its way," as the liquid is doing the action, not your main character. In the next paragraph, "He’d proved," would be "he'd proven"... since "he'd" would obviously be "he had." Same here, "he stood," "had stood." In this one... "Maybe he DID something.." I personally think it would make more sense if the phrase was, "Maybe he had done something wrong..." but that's just in my own opinion, not anything grammar related, so that one's up to you as well. And... yes, that was it.
This was a very well written piece, I liked the way it got inside my head. I could really feel the darkness, the "deliquescence,"
of this man's soul and mind. And speaking of that, I thought you added in the 'bonus' words you chose to add very nicely, it was a smooth addition. Good work here, thank you for your entry, and best of luck in my contest.
-Renae. -
Thank you. I'm not one to write about suicide and all that, no matter what the circumstances, which is why I didn't have him kill himself. Like you said, this is something everyone else would do, and I try not to write like everyone else. If you entered this contest, good luck. If not, then I hope you do lol.
-
OMG this was so good!! I mean it was a little confusing here and there but the way that you wrote it and the reasoning of the boy in the piece was so sad and so touching :-( i think uve done urself proud with this piece. i love the way he decides not to end it all it was a change from the norm.
good work
~Shari
Adding your comment:
1 - 16 of 16
