The truly epic tale of how I became an atheist - in movie script format

"we keep asking why should you be a CHristian, but you mentioned that you used to be, and i'm kinda curious to ask you guys why you aren;t anymore? if too personal, just ignore."1

Well, it all happened when I was 15......*time warp/flashback FX and noise*2

*OBVIOUSLY outdated music playing* *enter Nik, with long hair in full swing*3

I had never really left the sanctity of my small town and tight family values. So I was the stereotypical beer drinking, fag hating, iron pumping d-bag.4

*Nik is bench pressing 3000 Bibles when he has a thought.*5

Nik’s thoughts: "I'm going to hell."6

*Nik is obviously distressed so he runs to his parent's room to grab the leather bound, latin Bible. As he begins to read one of the Prayers in the back he realises something is wrong.*7

Nik: "This isn’t Latin at all! It’s Sumerian!"8

*suddenly there is a knock at the window, it has become suspiciously really dark outside*9

*nik is obviously confused, but he looks out the window anyway only to see….duh Duh DUH!!!!!!! ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!*10

*Nik freaks out and locks himself in the bathroom*11

*Intense music plays as Nik has a breakdown, then Nik looks himself in the eye in the mirror*12

Nik (talking to self): “f*** f*** f***…what am I going to do….there are zombies everywhere…I must have mixed up the Bible with the Necronomicon again. Why must you be involved in witchcraft parents!” *irony noise*13

Nik cont.: “Well, there is only one option…time to separate the men….from the people that are going to be eaten by zombies.”14

*epic music from Metal Gear Solid plays, as Nik straps on a shotgun, a knife, and ties a bandana around his head*15

*Nik walks to the back door of his house (which is located in the middle of nowhere)*16

Nik: “luckily no one else is home right now…I don’t want anyone else to get hurt.”17

*Nik is visibly focusing, and preparing for the coming onslaught*18

*As Nik kicks open the back door a thunderous cacophony of heavy metal assaults our ears*19

*with a few well placed blasts Nik takes out the few zombies by the firewood pile*20

*Nik smiles*21

Nik: “This is gonna get really messy….kin of like Place’s mom! (inside joke)”22

*nik picks up the fireman’s style ax that is used to split the firewood*23

*Nik then enters into a mad dash to the barn, along the way he takes a few small scratches from the zombies, but manages to butcher quite a few in close combat*24

*nik makes it to the barn, barricades the door, and proceeds to finish off the zombies in the barn*25

Nik: “damn it…out of ammo….”26

*Nik picks up a one handed sledgehammer (yes, they make those) and a large hatchet, he also grabs a machete, before he notices the chainsaw*27

Nik: “Well…this is probably my best bet.”28

*Fully loaded with melee weapons, Nik steels himself yet again, this time lighting a cigarette*29

Nik: “I’ve had this pack for a month, and never smoked one….well…if a zombie apocalypse isn’t reason to smoke, than what is?”30

*Nik fires up the chainsaw and bursts out the door, he then enters into a massacrie of extraordinarily epic proportions*31

Nik: “Damn you zombies! You never stop coming!”32

*Just as all seems lost, we hear the sound of a really loud car*33

*Suddenly a nightrider-esque trans am flies off the back road into Nik’s yard*34

*Nik’s friends, Sean and Caleb burst forth from the trans am in a flurry of blades, and bullets*35

*The two press through the hoard of zombies to Nik, and the three valiantly fight back to the car*36

*they all jump in, and Caleb throws it into gear*37

*nik has a realization*38

Nik: “Wait! The book! I’m sure there is a spell in there to stop the zombies!”39

*after a brief discussion, they agree to turn around*40

*the zombie hoard has mostly dissipated from Nik’s house, as there is nothing to keep them there*41

*Nik thanks his friends for the save, but suggests they get back into the town*42

Nik: I’m sure there are people that need help, I’ll get to figuring out the right spell.”43

*Nik enters his parents room, and notices the latin Bible…lying innocently next to the Necronomicon.*44

Nik: “If only I wasn’t so worried about hell, this never would have happened. Well…I’m pretty sure destroying the world with a zombie apocalypse pretty much gives me a one way trip, so there is nothing I can do now…except make things right.”45

*corny self sacrificing hero music beings to play*46

*intense action shots of nik pouring over the Necronomicon*47

*Nik finally settles upon what he believes is the correct spell, and chants the Sumerian words.*48

Nik: “*garbled Sumerian nonsense*”49

*Suddenly, it is bright out again. Nik steps outside, takes a deep breath, and smiles.*50

*camera pans out slowly……..to reveal…..Dark Lord Cthulhu standing in the majesty of his utter mind melting horror over Nik’s house*51

Cthulhu (speaking somehow): “Infantile mortal! You have summoned me to this realm, yet you have no way to control me! Come, watch as I destroy all that you have ever loved!”52

*Cthulhu grabs Nik with a tentacle, and carries him around as he eats the world*53

*Cthulhu laughs monstrously and says*54

Cthulhu: “It is done. Now I will leave you here to suffer.”55

*Nik curls in the fetal position, and cries to himself, lamenting how his fear of hell resulted in the destruction of everything.*56

*suddenly another long, limber, appendage touches Nik*57

*without looking, Nik says*58

Nik: “come to finish the job Cthulhu, well…go ahead, don’t keep me waiting.”59

*As nothing happens, Nik turns and looks*60

*lo and behold, it is not Cthulhu, but the great Flying Spaghetti Monster!*61

FSM: “Nik, you have meant well in your actions, but I must tell you, fear of hell is unfounded. All you have to do is really not be a dick, and you can enjoy paradise forever.”62

Nik: “That’s it, your starchy omnipotence? Don’t be a dick?”63

F: “Pretty much.”64

N: “I just destroyed a planet…doesn’t that qualify me as a dick?”65

F: “Well, you really didn’t mean to. Besides there are billions of alternate universes, so no big deal.”66

N: “Well…that’s good at least.”67

F: “In fact, in one of those universes, everything is exactly the same as this one, except instead of creating a zombie apocalypse, you died of food poisoning from eating some bad sushi. I could just switch you with the dead Nik, and then everything would be cool.”68

N: “You’d do that for me, oh Noodley Lord?”69

F: “Yeah, why not? You’re a cool enough kid. Also, take it easy on the self hell prophesizing. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”70

*white flash of light, dancing colors, some stereotypical dimension warp effect*71

*Nik appears in his home with everything looking exactly the same.*72

N: “Wait, FSM! What if people shun me for being a nonbeliever?”73

F: “Well, that will happen, but think about it this way. Which is more important, popularity, or peace of mind?”74

N: “You are very wise for a mountain of noodle with two huge succulent balls of meat.”75

F: “I get that a lot. Okay, well, I’ll see you later. Oh, P.S. try and help us fight global warming, dress up like a pirate, throw an ARRR or avast into your convos every so often. Little things help.”76

*corny gesture of some sort* N: “Sure thing, sure thing.”77

THE END 78