The Phoenix Child
Preface/Prologue1
I do not know how my life changed, from good to worst. I did not know how my life totally changed and I knew it was a process of years but it looked like that it happened in a matter of seconds. I am hurt deep inside and though I don't know why, but it hurts even though I am not bleeding. My heart is throbbing and with each beat, I feel pain.2
I am lost. 3
I lay on the forest floor, my face full of scratches, some bleeding. My ribs are broken and my ankle is sprained. I am out of energy and I think I am going to die. Yet this pain is nothing compared to the pain I am feeling inside. Am I bleeding inside? Am I? I do not understand the aspects of life. I am lost. My heart is like a glass flower, but broken into a hundred pieces and each broken shard of the glass is dangerous to everyone. Maybe that is the reason why I am alone... that is the reason why no one wants me.4
Am I that ridiculous?5
Am I that cursed?6
I let a few tears fell at my sides as my crystal green eyes stared at the canopy covered sky. My long purple hair was pressed under my head and was damp with sweat because of the fight. My pale face was full of scratches and my so-called-beautiful body was limp and motionless.7
Yet I know they only spared me because of my new beautiful face but they should have killed me because I wanted to die. I desperately wanted to end my life... I just wanted to die.8
I tried to move my body but couldn't. The blue and silver armor that I was wearing was ripped into billions of pieces and the metal on my shoulder was cracked, showing my bleeding shoulder.9
My name is Kimiko Yesha, the youngest member of the famous, the most powerful, most respected, most glorious clan of the country, the Yesha clan. Their power was famous all over the country.10
They said that the children were born lucky in Yesha clan, that they were talented at birth; all of them were a couple of prodigies. 11
Yet their views about me were different; they said I was LUCKY to born, not to forget in a respected clan as the Yesha.12
When I was born, I wasn't born with the features I have right now, the features that spared my life from the assassins that were trying to kill me; my new features which had suppose to be inherited from my parents, the head of the Yesha clan.
No. Not at all. When I was born, I did not have those features. I had extraordinary features that left all the people wondering... WHAT I really was.13
Because when I was born, I was red and I mean that literally. When I was born, instead of having purple hair (that I have right now) I had crimson hair. Instead of having green eyes, I had crimson orbs. Though my features were like that, the truth that I learned at the age of six was even more terrible. Because I realized one important thing.14
I was dark. I was a Goth. I was born alone. I was different from everyone. Though I could breathe, I felt I wasn't alive. I had no friends. People called me a freak. I hated my self more than the people around me. I hated what I was and who I was. I just hated everything. I had no purpose of living. 15
Yet, the monster that was inside me, did not allowed me to die. It was like it had control over me. I was alone but still I had suffered physical, emotional and mental pain.16
Why? 17
Because when I was born, I was the chosen one to be the phoenix child. When I was born, the phoenix was placed in me, NATURALLY as they say. It was prophecy... that totally ruined my life.18
And now here I lay, I am sixteen now though and the only difference is, apart from my physical features, that I am now hurt from the outside and also from the inside.19
Because I am broken glass flower, the shards can hurt people but it hurts me the most.20
I sighed loudly as my vision blurred and I closed my eyes. I wanted to die... but I knew that even though the phoenix that was in me was removed, I would not die. That was because of the figure that was leaning over me, looking at me worriedly. I had no idea who he was. But my instincts told me, as I lapsed into unconsciousness, that I will unwillingly wake up to another horrible and miserable day.21
Author notes
Well this is a chapter of a story that I was planning to write.
please read and review and tell me if you liked this chapter or not or is it worth continuing?
ummm guys
i am confused
should i convert this into a naruto fanfic or just write a simple fiction?
Next Chapter: http://storywrite.com/story/show/128747
A contest entry
- Your awesome characters!!!! by Surreal Rhapsody.
450 points, ended November 17, 2007, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Come one! Come all! by Forsaken Unicorn.
225 points, ended November 19, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ... this is a title.... ENTER!! u know you want to :P muhaha by angel.of.mine.
405 points, ended December 8, 2007, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Flash Fantasy! by Bitter Irony.
250 points, ended November 24, 2007, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ~I didn't know what to call it,so this is it~ by Ninja Bubble.
100 points, ended November 24, 2007, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - For Writers 14 And Under Only!!! by Andy Stephenson.
175 points, ended December 13, 2007, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - enter anything by Anonymous Shadow.
150 points, ended December 3, 2007, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites (again) by potaytee.
150 points, ended December 27, 2007, 92 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - To sick to care by Prodigious.Mirth.
360 points, ended January 5, 2008, 16 entries
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100 points, ended September 4, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think!
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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That was a very good prologue! I loved the way you did that, and though you repeated things alot, I almost liked it better that way. Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck!
-Ellie
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Well I figured since I read chapter one I might as well read the prologue before reading chapter two. You entered one in my contest and I said I'd read more, remember?
I like this although it could use a little bit of editing. The glass flower medaphore was wonderful. I will read chapter 2 now. I would profer if this didn't become a finfic but I beleive it will. A great story. -
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ohk.
But the prologue is acutally the preface... I wrote preface first but everyone was like "ITS PROLOGUE!"
And I was like: -.-'
I am glad you liked it.
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Keep writing and geads up cause this was billiant
good luck
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This story is awesome.It can really go somewhere.Keep writing.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Fantastic, though slightly somber.
I like it, it's my favorite type of writing. But hopefully this figure she sees will bring hope to her life, a sparkle of light.
We'll see
Great work. -
Interesting, but sad and glum.
Your main character doesn't seem to be very happy, in fact; instead quite depressed. You have some typos. I was a bit confused in a couple of spots. On the whole, not bad. I can't help wondering where you are going with this story. Thanks for entering the 'For Writers 14 And Under Only!!!' contest.
Andy
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This has loads of potential!! The idea of the story is wonderful so far. There is alot of repetition here. You repeat lines and words a few times in the story and I think it is throwing the story of a little bit (this is an issue that I am working on myself). Repetition tends to work well in poetry but no so much in stories. I urge you to take a look at the story again and read it outloud word for word (this usually helps me to hear grammar mistakes on my own). If you find yourself stumbling over the words then you know those are the areas that need work. Some times you may have to alter a story three or four times before it comes together (I often have to). This story has real promise, I would love to see you expand on this. Good luck with your writing, it is a process.
Lauren
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Suggestions:
This has potential to be a great and beautiful story, I am going to make a few suggestions, so please don't be offended.
First, the tense should be past tense instead of present, that would make it much easier to read and for you to write, in my oppinion.
Second, you have many gramatical and spelling errors, of course, everyone does, but you may want to fix them for the sake of your readers.
Above that, I love it!
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Naruto-ish much?
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erm can you help me a bit here?
this acutally was suppose to be a naruto fanfiction but now as i have gotten so much support from different people... i dont know what to do now!!!
PLEASE HELP ME!
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Sorry,but I don't remember what I was thinking when I commented
sorry again,but i'll make it up with a new comment!
This is good,it oozes with excitement,wonder,suspense,oreos,and potential.It will grow into an awesome series,or so the prophet tells me,and you will be able to swim in the points that you get from applauses!
-Keep It Goin!~Z -
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you havent really answere my question
should i turn this into a naruto fanfic or just continue as a fiction?
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Fascinating fantasy let down by language
This is a stunning vision of an altogether alien existence. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to read because of the frequent spelling and grammatical problems. This really needs to be tidied up before it is taken any further, and before the succeeding chapters are added. Once that's done, it should be the opening of a very intriguing story.beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, characters: 3.
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aww
I did looked at the spelling and grammer before THREE times!
damn, i will never improve in spelling and grammer!
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You did well at balancing the depression of this story; the readers could feel for the character without feeling totally upset themselves. Your beginning was also pretty good; just watch out for repetativeness. Since this story is actually a Prologue, its ending leaves something to be desired, but that is to be expected. Nice job!
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
~Bitter Irony -
i really liked this it is worth continueing, lol awsum awsum story, the discription was amazing and u pulled me infrom the 1st paragraph. plz tell me if youv writen anymore? i would LOVE to read on. thanks for entering and gud luck xox
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no
i havent written more 'yet'
but i will over this weakend!
then i will post the link!
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Please, I need you to write 300 more words to this. If you don't I will have to DQ you, and I don't want to do that. It's still good, but won't matter if it remains at this length.
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i dont think so i can
because it wont fit and get boring
can you cut me some slack this time? *puppy dog eyes*
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Wow, that really sucked me in, definently! ^.^ Really awesome!!!!! It wasnt excactly how my contest was ment to have, but I liked the way you described things!!!! Awesome job, good luck in the contest, Im honered that you entered!
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That is so good!!!! There are a few spelling mistakes but they're easy to fix up. You should definatly continue. It is well worth it. You must tell me when you have done chapter two!!
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well... i corrected the spelling mistakes and i know there would be some grammer ones too but I will do them later...
thanks for the encouragment!
you have NO idea how much that means to me.
thanks!
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