"It shouldn't have to end this way, you know." Lark softly whispered in his ear.1
Turner lay with the crisp bed sheets tucked neatly under his rounded chin. His chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm, his eyes closed.2
She searched his pale face for any sign that he was there, that he had heard her.3
A shadow behind her shifted as the doctor stood patiently waiting. Beeps and releasing air filled the silence.4
Lark hung her head in defeat, dark chestnut hair fell in her face. Through the feathery locke's she whispered, "What happened to that happily ever after you promised?"5
Reluctantly she shuffled to the hospital door. Lark's steps felt like she was wading through thick mud. Tears slid down her porcelain cheeks and it became hard for her to breath, like a stone weighing down her heart.6
Without another word Lark slipped out the door as the doctor turned off the machine.
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Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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and the even more saddest thing is that it's happening all over the place
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I had forgotten I had even written this.
Thanks for bringing it to my attention again. I was sure I was going to expand it and just never got around to it.
Thanks again
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So sad brought a tear to my eyes.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for the comment
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sad and desturbing
this was sad but how did he get in the hospital -
thank you all for your comment
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"head in defeat, dark chestnut"
I feel like you need a conjunction here, to connect the two phrases. Just 'and', maybe? I think it would help the flow of the sentence.
"feathery locke's"
locke's should just be locks, shouldn't it?
This story is so awesome, and so awful! It's so sad, but wonderfully written. I'm legally responsible for my mother, if she were ever to need on or off life support, and this story just makes me completely question what I would do if I ever had to make that decision.Thanks so much for a beautiful piece!!
annye
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Good
This is pretty, and even though it's so short, it evokes a lot of emotion. -
Hello Brooke: Regardless of what others say, I think it's quite good, even if it's short. It's like a snapshot of a moment in time.
There are two typos: locks instead of locke's for Lark's hair and breathe instead of breath.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This read well, but I wonder if this is going to be th start of something. Will we find out why he is on life support and the reason it has to be switched off....
I look forward to read more.
Sarah.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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great
You have me hooked... I wanted to know the know the rest of the story... You did a wonderful job here.
Lynn
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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If it was intended to portray the last few minutes of time that this couple would spend together—it accomplished its purpose.
It was defiantly ‘The End’ and you didn’t waste any words getting to the finish—smile.
Was there a word limit for this scene?
There was a lot of emotion in this short work, I'd like to see it grow a bit.
If it was intended to portray the last few minutes of time that this couple would spend together—it accomplished its purpose.
Geri
beginning: 5.
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I think for this to be effective you need to help us connect with these two characters.
It's like you see in to a room in a hospital and you see someone crying, you expect the worst and think, how sad, but don't necessarily feel anything.
The idea is sound and you obviously have some feelings on this topic, I think you could make something of it. -
Too short, too little information, too typical of a plot. Basically, if you are going to have something extraordinarily short, you had better have something extraordinary to say, or an extraordinary way to say it. Describing a girl as having "porcelain cheeks" is the oldest trick in the book.
Sorry. This just didn't move me at all. -
you know." Lark softly
since it's a mode of speech implied, it should end in a comma not a fullstop.
Watch using "had" unnecessarily. Sometimes your sentences can sound stronger without it.
Reluctantly she shuffled...
comma after reluctantly
Without another word
comma after word
This flows well. Most of the problems are structural. This is very well done, you can feel the emotions in the story. Keep it up! -
oh wow, so beautifully written, and so very sad! brought tears to my eyes, that doesn't happen often. Great write, keep it up! -Liz
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