Might As Well

I'm dead already -- or I might as well be.  I quit livin' a long time ago. When Danny died, I just didn't care no more. I mean, he was my whole life, see. We never did have any kids and he didn't like pets, so I didn't get no dog or cat or even a bird to keep me company, so now here I am, almost forty, all alone, and there's just nobody here for me now. So I might as well go ahead and kill myself, see.  Oh, I dont expect you'd understand, thats for sure, you ain't in here that often so's you'd know.  But you should just walk a few miles in my shoes, see.  I've really been through a lot, a whole lot.  Here, let me just refill your coffee, hon, you ain't goin nowhere anyways until this weather clears up, right?1

Okay, see, Danny got that disease, the one that everybody's talkin about nowadays -- I can't remember the name exactly, but it'll come to me here in a little bit -- that baseball player disease, you know -- some long damn name, too long to remember without keepin' it wrote down.  Anyways, all the doctors told him they was sorry, but there just wasn't nothin' they could do.  Well, I couldn't leave him then, that's for damn sure. I knew I would have to talk care of him right up to the cotton-pickin' minute he died, want to or not. If I'd ever thought about leavin' him, well, it was just too late by then.  Oh, I surely did love Danny, cared about him and all that, but we was like every other couple, see, we had our problems like everyone else. And sometimes I just felt like leavin', that's all. That don't mean I'm a bad person or nothin'. Right?2

But then he got sick and everything got different. Then we lost all our money, of course. Well, not so much as lost it, really, but we had to spend it on medicine and all for Danny. So I guess it wasn't really thrown away. But when the insurance ran out, which was pretty damn quick, see, it was just a piddlin' little nothin' policy that didn't even take care of the hospital bill, let alone the doctor and all, then we had to dip into our savins'. Matter o' fact, dipped it pretty much dry, and real fast, too. It dont take near as long to take it out as it does to put it in there, you know that's right.  I sure didn't want to do that, didn't want to spend all of it, see, cause that was our rainy day money. We'd been puttin' that money back the whole time we was married. I wanted to spend it more than once, too, but Danny said to me, no, honey  -- he called me honey all the time -- he told me not to get my panties all in a wad, there'd be plenty o' time for that. But then Danny got sick, like I said, and he had to have all that medicine and all them doctors, so that was that.3

It got pretty bad there at the end. He was inconsequence, or something like that, I cant remember what they called it, see, but he couldn't hold his pee or anything and he didn't smell too good neither, I'll tell you that for sure, but you can just imagine.  So I had to go get those big diapers and change him all day long just like you would a little baby.  Oh, he apologized, of course, and he was real embarrassed.  Hell, I would have been embarrassed, too, if it was me. But I did all these things because I loved him so much, see.4

There at the end, Danny didnt even recognize me. He acted like he'd never seen me before.  The doctors told me that was gonna' happen when he was gettin' near the end, see, but I really didn't believe that he wouldn't recognize his own wife.  After all, we had been married for fifteen years, see, and I can tell you right now that if I was the one who was sick, I would be damn sure to remember him.  I sure didn't enjoy that part of it, that's for sure.  But I guess in a way that was good, see.  He was sufferin' a lot there at the end, he got real skinny and all, and like I said, he smelled like somethin' had crawled up in him and died, but his memory was so bad he didn't remember none of it anyways.5

So when he died, of course I had to foot the whole bill all by myself.  His folks didnt have no money, they lost it all, see.  They blew it some years ago on a bunch of investments that went sour.  One of Danny's uncles was a whiz at all that high finance stuff, or so they said.  Must not have been too good, though, huh?  But Danny and I were smarter than the rest of em'.  We wouldn't give him any of our money, no way, not one red cent of our little nest egg.  We had big plans for our money.  We were gonna retire early, see, and Danny said I wouldn't have to wait tables at this here truck stop no more.  We was gonna travel around the world and live a life like ol' Riley.  6

But then Danny got sick, see, so all our plans just went floatin' away with the wind.  So much for retirin' and travelin'.  So now here I am, alone and broke. And I'll have to work my ass off the rest of my life, see, since all the money is gone, so why should I go on livin', like I said before.7

I just wish I'd known all this before I got in so deep, see. I mean, he didn't act sick or nothin'. Not for a long time, anyways. I know it sounds cold, I know it does, but Im a person too, and I bet I could have planned a lot better if I'd known he was gonna' up and die on me. I mean, we coulda' taken some trips or somethin'.  I was always awantin' to travel around, you know, and Danny had been promisin' me every year that we was gonna just pick up and go one of these days.   Of course, we never did, he never would stop workin' long enough to do anything fun. Anyways, there was a lot of money in that account, see, and I coulda' enjoyed some of it if I'd just known.8

There was that guy, I remember him, oh, what was his name? Oh yeah, did I ever tell you about Jimmy Lee Boudreaux?  Ol Jimmy Lee, yeah.  I got real good memories about Jimmy Lee and me.  He was my high school sweetheart, took me to the Howdy Dance and gave me my first kiss on my mama's front porch. He was a good kisser, real tender-like, smelled like Ivory soap, I do remember that. He was my first, got it in the back seat of his Chevy when I was fifteen. But then he joined the Army, and, hell, Danny started lookin' real good after a couple a months.  Jimmy Lee didn't expect me to wait on him or nothin', see, 'cause he was gonna be gone for a long time and all. Danny couldn't go in the Army 'cause he had flat feet or asthma or somethin medical, I can't remember exactly.  9

But Jimmy Lee really had it bad for me, I remember that, wrote me love letters all the time from far-away places. I think I've still got those letters, cause they was real sweet.  He sure was hurt when I up and married Danny. I probably could have married him instead of Danny, but I was in such a damn hurry to get out of the house, see.  And from what I hear around and about, hes doin pretty damn good now. I think someone said he had a hardware store over in Granville. Retail -- now that's good business. He always did have a good head on his shoulders. But I imagine hes still married to Marybeth. I remember hearin' how he started writin' her right after I dumped him. I guess theyve been married a good while now. Just like me and Danny was.10

But it's too late for thinkin' about any of that anyhow, water under the bridge, see.  I might as well just do it -- end it all and put myself out of this misery. I don't feel like startin' over again. And I sure don't like bein' broke. I'm tired, I'm poor, and I'm dead already anyways, so who gives a damn? I ain't no good for nobody now anyways.  Now, if I thought that some rich widower would be interested in someone like me, maybe I'd see things different. No, this town is dried up worse than some ol' waterin' hole in the middle of the desert and me right along with it. Danny's gone and I don't wanna'live without him, anyways.  He was my whole life, see.11

I wonder if Jimmy Lee Boudreaux remembers me? I sure bet he does. We had some real good times together. Marybeth probably don't treat him right, anyways. She always was a selfish bitch, everybody said so. That's what happens when you settle, see. He couldn't have me, so he just settled for Marybeth. Maybe I oughta' give ol' Jimmy Lee a call. Hes in retail, a real good businessman. Probably still got the first dollar he ever earned. Yeah, I bet he ain't heard about Danny dyin' and all. They don't get our little rinky dink paper over there in Granville. I'll just give him a call, just to let him know, see.  I bet hes bald, he was losin' hair way back when we was seein' each other. But then again, I always did like bald men, sure did, even when I was in my twenties. I always thought a bald head was real sexy. 12

I just can't live without money, see. I gotta' have it, I just can't help it. Besides, I was lookin' forward to travelin', to quittin' this god-awful job. I'm tired of livin' on tips and a measly dollar an hour to boot. I deserve better, see. Yeah, I bet Jimmy Lee Boudreaux would like to see me again, yes sir. He surely did have a thing for me.  I just might give him a call right now, while I'm thinkin of it.13