Barking Dog

They say you see your whole life again just before you die. Mine had better hurry up, I have about half a second left. I wonder which part of me does the thinking and remembering. Soon my body will be shattered into a million pieces, brain disintegrated, heart vaporised, bits of bone careening through the air, muscle and sinew twisting, soft fleshy parts splashing and splattering. How did it come to this? How did I get here? I am a good man. This is the end; or is this the beginning?1

My hand is inside my jacket; I press the button. Time stops. There is no sensation. About forty people are nearby. Half of them will die. Half of the rest will be crippled. Half of the rest will be injured for life. The remainder will thank their god or destiny or mere chance for sparing them.2

It begins.3

Young childhood: with my brothers and sisters playing happily in the narrow city streets. Carefree, unafraid. The time a bigger boy shoved me into a wall and I hurt my arm. My father leaving. A classroom with a teacher. A ride in a truck. The mountains. The clear sky at night, shooting stars. A pack of wild dogs, barking. Waking up, the house shaking, running outside, afraid: earthquake.4

Time hasn’t stopped, just slowed. The charge moves from the battery pack through the trigger, into the chain of metallic tubes filled with white gel and metal balls wrapped around my abdomen. A flash begins at the head of each cylinder, the gel begins to boil and swell, the cylinders to rip open, the metal balls accelerate. 5

My oldest brother leaving to join my father. Jet planes flying over the city. Soldiers hiding in our house. Father returning for a visit – he’s changed, hurt, scared, ruined. Strange bags and packages stored in our house. A call to prayers. The enemy: foreign soldiers, dirty and godless. Fear. Gun shots in the distance. Bodies in the street. Hatred. An explosion in the city, the ground shakes, a dust cloud rises into the sky in a flashing column.6

The gel vaporises and the flash grows. My middle is completely engulfed in flame, the fastest of the tiny metal balls are travelling through my torso and legs, others race outward in all directions. 7

Adolescence: Noon prayers at the Mosque, the Mulla speaking. “You blame your times when you should blame yourselves! A Muslim’s heart is his guide.” Picking up spent shells. Scrambling over the smouldering carcass of an armoured car. Running errands for our warriors. Arrested, but let go. Meeting the girl who will be my wife. Love, caring, but little hope.8

My body is tearing apart. Still no feeling. The balls rip streams of blood out of my body. The bright flash surrounds me. The little eruptions where the balls slam into the stone floor. Chips of bone burst within my legs and chest. I recall a voice, but not the speaker. “He who sees the calamity of other people finds his own calamity light.” I move to smile, but my body is too slow. Time is too slow. No one nearby is reacting yet. The nearest person is hit by the first metal pellet. 9

Arrested again, questioned, released. No longer a boy. Running supplies: chemicals, guns, bullets. Arrested again, released again. A friend killed, a funeral. Foreign soldiers looking at our women disrespectfully; smashing down the doors of our homes; dirtying our holy places; insulting our customs. I spit on them as they pass in the street below. I throw stones at their tanks and kick their cars and sneak in at night to piss on their kitbags, spit in their food, shit on their clothes.10

Fire and light fill me up. My legs are gone, my hands are gone, my body is shattering. People are hit, their flesh tearing, their bones smashing, organs erupting. Dust is flying up from the ground, holes are boring into the walls, trails of fire and smoke tear through the air. Objects turn to shrapnel: coins, bones and teeth. 11

My cousin’s wedding. I will also marry soon. Happiness, celebration, elated gun-shots into the sky. Passing helicopters and airplanes bristling with machine guns, turn back on the wedding, shooting and circling, shooting and circling, crack-crack-crack. Running for cover. Crying, shrieking, bullets and blood, dying. Fear. Helping the injured, fleeing for cover. Shooting and circling. Pain and tears. Shooting and circling, crack-crack-crack-crack. Explosions and fire. My ears hurt. My chest hurts. Screaming and dying. Blood on my hands. My sister is hurt; I pull her into a small shelter and lay her head on my legs. Blood on her body, fear in her eyes, outrage in my heart. She dies. I cry. I shout. I hit the wall. I hit the ground. I hit her. I don’t know what to do. I am sick. How did it come to this? How did this happen? How did I get here? I am a good man.12

I am torn apart, I am nothing. It is over. What have I done? I was a good man.13

The dogs may bark but the caravan moves on.

Author notes

Since this story's had several reviews and no comments, I'll add some notes. Firstly, I in no way condone this sort of thing, just wanted to take an unusual perspective. Secondly, the events at the wedding took place in Afghanistan 2002, and when it was reported in the news, I thought, "20 people killed, 2000 terrorists born." Everntually, over 30 people died in the incident.

For the contest - pink potatoes

In a list

A contest entry

Is this the shortest story you've ever read? After all, it only lasts one second.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 99 of 193     1 2  next >  (show all)

  • hchsknights08
    October 20
    Edit | Reply
    You have been DQ'd due to un-fair work. You have won countless trophies and I think you need no more.


  • Sheilasbabygal4life
    October 15
    Edit | Reply
    This was a very sad piece you have here. this was good. I enjoyed it. Thanks for entering and bes of luck too you in th contest.


  • Lies4Truth
    October 13
    Edit | Reply
    This isnt a poem, and I was not asking for short storys


  • lesbian-in-love
    October 12

    Edit | Reply
    This was interesting to read. I enjoyed it. Thanks so much for entering and best of luck to you in the contest. Keep up the good work!


  • Valhara
    October 6

    Edit | Reply

    Great Perspective

    Wow, this was a very interesting perspective. Very unique. I liked the detail and the man's point of view was interesting. I can't help but think a bit sadly on this. I mean, it makes you think of their point of view, too. But I mostly can't help but to think that he just left his wife to do this to himself. While I understand, and feel emapathy toward him, I just feel it was sad that he did that.
    Very interesting take on such a taboo topic though. Well written, good spelling/grammar. I will dephinately look into reading more literary works by you.

    beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, characters: 4.


  • BrokenOnyxMoonlight
    September 6
    Edit | Reply
    Great job! I loved it!


  • seasonsoflove silver member
    September 6

    Edit | Reply
    WOW. Definately an eye opener!!

    Plot: 5
    Language: 4
    Theme: 5
    Brownie points: 4 (a desperate situation)

    Total: 18

    Great job!! Truly amazing job here. Keep up the wonderful work. Really is an eye opener. No wondering how so many trophies have been won on this!!!


  • lesbian-in-love
    August 23
    Edit | Reply
    thanks for entering and good luck!


  • Melancholic Smile silver member
    August 15

    Edit | Reply
    I'm sure I have read this before, quite some time ago and it is even better second time round. I love that someone was brave enough to pick such a horrible thing as suicide bombing and write it from the bomber's perspective. I love the way you mix the past and present, what is happening with the bomb getting closer to going off and the events that have led up to it. You give us a good glimpse into the mind of the bomber and the reasons why they feel their actions are justified. I am not surprised you have won so many trophies for this piece. It is timeless, a story I could read over and over it is written so well. I assume for my contest you chose "the POV of someone ill/dying"? I just wanted to check that! Anyway yes, it is very moving, very realistic, extremely descriptive, thought provoking and one of the best short stories I have ever read on here. Keep up the excellent writing

    • slashinguk
      August 15
      Edit | Reply
      Yes indeed - the Point of View of someone dying.

      Thanks for the supportive feedback.


  • Ryan-
    August 10

    Edit | Reply
    To get into the mind of someone who is about to do something so horrible is amazing. I couldn't have explained this any better and your descriptions were so creeppppyyy! I liked how you made it go from his past to the present in such a short period of real time. You are a really great writer! I am envious!


  • u.wish.u.were.emmet
    July 10

    Edit | Reply
    wow, that was great, it was kinda dark, but I liked =] lol u won so many trophies 4 this story! Nice write


  • Melissa Loves Jeffy
    May 23
    Edit | Reply
    Wow... I can see why this got so many metals.. It is brilliant.. I loved it.. Like nothing I've read before.

  • Sibte
    May 22

    Edit | Reply
    what a story! this was really one of the best stories i read in my life. i salute u for ur extraordinary writing skill


  • citcat
    April 15
    Edit | Reply
    excellent job, it was really good. thanks for entering


  • easily amused
    April 7
    Edit | Reply

    ...

    Love it. nough said.


  • Ludo Ossidi
    June 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You certainly proved our green, furry friend wrong I have yet to see anyone with enough talent to portray as much as you have in so little space. Superb, I wish I'd commented before.

    • slashinguk
      March 22
      Edit | Reply

      < 9 months too late

      It only took me 9 months to understand the reference!

      Cheers mate


  • Keirii
    March 13

    Edit | Reply
    Well you've certainly won enough medals
    It doesn't surprise me at all though, this is a nice piece of work!!!
    Wonderful job!!!

    And good luck in my contest.
    Hopefully I'll have it done by tonight


  • Vampiric souls
    March 12
    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is really well written.. It must have taken some time to think up this idea!!! In one context it is the shortest story I have ever read! and that is amazing..... I love your use of flashbacks!!! So amazing in this story!!!
    Thank you so much for entering!!!
    ~Souls~


  • snoble
    March 9

    Edit | Reply

    no

    iv read shoter but this was good. i see your in many contests your really trying to get this read. well it was good i liked it alot. i dont agree with these people doing what they do but i liked the idea of the story. its is very good

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.

    • slashinguk
      March 9
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah - I'm a trophy whore and this one pulls them in better than anything else I've written. Thanks for appreciating it.


  • SoundInkMusic
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    In that sense, yes, it is the shortest story I've ever read. Also one of the better ones. This was a blunt and moving look at the narrator's life, times, and reasons - how, as he said, did it come to this? You tell his story in simple brushstrokes, perfect for the subject matter at hand; there is no exaggeration or plea for sympathy here, just an honest depiction of his last moments.

    I do not condone this sort of thing either, but that does not mean I don't feel for those who are involved. Excellent work.

    Thank you for entering, and best of luck with the contest.

    • slashinguk
      March 6
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your comments. Your reading is exactly in line with my intent in writing. Thank you for all the applause too.


  • imagist
    March 5
    Edit | Reply
    Not the shortest story; but definately one that fully captures that 1 second.

    You said he was the villain, and in my culture (america) he is. But I cant help but think that in his culture, he would be something of a fallen hero.

    It was an amazing story, with a great plot. You deserve every trophy you got.

    • slashinguk
      March 5
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your feedback.

      The indiscriminate slaughter of non-combatants is an internationally and cross-culturally condemned crime. By that criterion alone, and by the morality common to all mankind, the protagonist is a villain. I don't believe in a moral relativism for cases such as this. Nevertheless, I see no harm in seeking to understand.


  • Cupcake14
    March 5

    Edit | Reply
    I wish you'd entered it in my Tragic Hero contest...you would have won....
    I mostly skimmed through it, but the one that hit the nail on the head was his wife's death. I wish she hadn't died, it was really too tragic.

    • slashinguk
      March 5
      Edit | Reply

      Not a hero

      Whether we can understand the protagonist's motives or not, I would not enter this in a contest for "Heroes." He's a villain, not a hero.

      Thanks for the feedback and the applause.


  • Maggie Kay
    February 28
    Edit | Reply
    haha then yes i guess it is the shortest story i have ever read if you put it that way
    an amazing story.
    Sounds like he had a hard life and he made an impulse decision.
    a well thought out interesting piece
    congrates on the great write and thanks for entering

  • citcat
    February 28
    Edit | Reply
    omg that amazingly excellent! i loved it heaps! It kept my attention the whole way through it

    i could not see any grammer or spelling errors which was great. this was one of the best stories i have read in a while!

    well done, keep up the great work!!!



    Citcat


  • rinzu
    February 26
    Edit | Reply
    THIS IS A MASTERPIECE...NO DOUBTS ONE CAN SEE ALL THE TROPHIES LINED UP ON THIS STORY....

    I LOVED THE WAY U SPOKE UR MIND CLEARLY YET NOT LOUDLY....




    • slashinguk
      February 26
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. It seems to have turned out that way, though at the time of writing I had no idea it might.

  • SilentMoonDance
    February 26

    Edit | Reply

    Nice...

    This was actually a really amazing story, thought-provoking without being preachy. Seriously, this sends a great message in an unusual way. Of course, the perspective is a little strange, but that's what gives this concept originality. It's definitely unlike any other story I've read on SW, and that's a good thing. I like how there isn't a hero, not a bad nor good guy, just people inbetween...someone seeking respect and equality, and if it takes a tormented suicide bomber to elicit some kind of response, instead of having the world turn an oblivious eye away from the situation, then so be it. The description of everything taking place, the flashbacks to the main character's life, was truly compelling and well-executed.

    Good luck in my contest!

    • slashinguk
      February 26
      Edit | Reply
      You encapsulate precisely my intent in this piece. Thank you.


  • Bernice DeLucchi gold member
    February 17

    Edit | Reply
    I love this story! And I don't say that easily to any story! It is so compelling! The flash-backs to the protagonist's youth is powerful and packed with emotion. As I read it, I felt every word!

    I remember that wedding in Afghanistan too!

    You've captured the essence of what I wanted.

    Good luck in my contest.
    Regards
    Bernice

    • slashinguk
      February 17
      Edit | Reply

      So I get away with an unnamed protagonist

      And there was I searching high and low for the Arabic or Afghan words for "barking dog."


  • Dreama
    February 1

    Edit | Reply
    wow you've entered a lot of contests with this one. i can see why though, you are a master of words and this piece is evidently an example of this. thanks for entering my contest


  • Midnight-Engaged
    January 21
    Edit | Reply
    It's not very often that I'll read a story on here and it will stick in my mind so that I find I'm still thinking about it weeks after i had read the story. Your story is so good that I've done just that. This is one of my favorite stories on here. Excellent job.


  • The Insane Eraser silver member
    January 20

    Edit | Reply

    Nice

    It's very good ^^ a little detailed....but i liked that about it...made you conect to the cara...sorta made you feel bad for him.


  • XxXDreamWeaverXxX
    January 17
    Edit | Reply
    This was good, I never really thought of what it would be like for a suicide bommer, like this is good.
    I live the "Is this the shortest story you've ever read? After all, it only lasts one second." It is so clever!
    Nice story,
    Good luck in the contest!


    ~Cat

  • Three Bridges
    January 12

    Edit | Reply
    I think this is a unique and innovative story. I like the way you worked in the "life" passages as a kindofbackstory.


  • Savage
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, great piece. Very, um... deep. The list of contests you've entered are longer than the actual piece, lol. Very nice, congrats on your trophies.

  • lovetoloveyou
    January 7

    Edit | Reply
    Ah- this is a good one... wonderful and so... dark- for some reason there was a sense of mystery, and I'm not sure if it belongs. And remember- it's not the length, it's the content

    Thanks for entering, good luck!

  • Midnight-Engaged
    January 5
    Edit | Reply
    This flowed extremely quickly for being an 800 word story, but in the best possible way, that quickening-pulse, speedreading way that really pulls the reader in. I was tense the entire time i was reading it and the way you stopped every so often to give details of the bombing were perfectly placed. The ending line is a great way to close it out. Altogether, good job.


  • LadyLionnir
    January 1

    Edit | Reply
    I never really thought of writing from the perspective of a suicide bomber and so when I saw this, I knew it had to be original. The way you described everything blew me away (um, no pun intended). When you wrote about the character holding his sister as she died, I felt so enraged that such a thing could happen. You wrote it in a way that didn't seem harsh, it seemed graceful and made me empathize.

    Great work and congratulations on all those trophies!!!


  • Finis
    December 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You were close to making me cry. That means that your story is really good.
    I`ve put it in the finalists list.Well done!


  • WaterBottle
    December 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Great!

    Love the detail, the imagery...everything.
    I liked how you portrayed the bomber, not as a hero, but there was something about him that didn't seem cruel either, though what he did was cruel. I really enjoyed reading this, I could feel the character's pain and sorrow throughout. He held revenge in his heart, it seemed like. Maybe he just wanted respect, and he'd get it any way he knew how.
    Maybe it's like, if you hurt me and my world with your brutal, unnecessary intrusion, I'll give you a dose of your own medicine.
    It was heartbreaking for him to come to that sad conclusion.
    Very well written with nice fluidity=)


  • beezy92
    December 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. You have a ton of trophies and you deserve all of them! This was so arresting. Very realistic, dealing with a real issue, your point of view was both subjective and objective...this is exactly the kind of thing I was looking for! You have all the criteria I was looking for. Finalist list for sure!

    • slashinguk
      January 1
      Edit | Reply
      I'm so flattered, thank you so much for picking this story for the gold trophy against so many other entries.


  • Rein
    December 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    AMAZING! It's crazy how wonderful the words create a world of such dramtiac climax. I felt how the bomber thought he was nothing but a small part of the world making a difference. And the ending sentence was more than great. Keep it up! =D

  • KamiTsunami
    December 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    SPECTACULAR

    I've never seen anyone describe what they don't know about in such a vivid way. To take time to look into the mind of a man you can't feel for, can't love, can't respect; to take themn apart, disect them, and see what really made them tick, to do all that and to do it in a way that brings out ones sympathy, that takes doing.
    You've done the impossible; you've given me sympathy for a loathsome character. I truly feel sorry for the poor man. To lose his sister like that...
    Continue to write pieces like that and you'll turn the world upside down.
    Good Luck in all your exploits!

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.

    • slashinguk
      December 12, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks a lot

      Thanks for your generous comment.

      I don't particularly intend to turn the world upside down, but I write what I think, especially when other people don't seem to see things the way I do.

      Welcome to Storywrite.


  • gezza gold member
    December 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    A fabulous piece

    Barking Dog - a truly excellent short story. It is raw and probes deep into the psyche of terrorism. The use of the barking of the dog ties it altogether, and lifts it in terms of theme. Are you aware that dogs are considered unclean and insulting in Islamic Society?

    • slashinguk
      December 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks for the high praise

      Thanks Gezza. I didn't know that about dogs in Islamic society. The barking dog theme only came about when I did an internet search for "arabic sayings" and I felt it was an apt one for the whole story. I then wrapped it around what I'd already written.

      Thanks for helping with this story in your capacity as editor for the anthology.


  • Valkyrie silver member
    October 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Nicely slowed down. Very excellent details. I can see why everyone talks about how cool this story is.


  • tallblondie gold member
    October 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Even though this was my second reading of this piece, the emotional impact of the piece is just as strong as the original reading. I thoroughly enjoyed how you managed to pack so much emotion into this drawn out second of destruction - how you examine the motives of the bomber and paint him as a real person with real feelings and emotions. The style and delivery of this piece was quite powerful - interspersing the micro-second destruction with his flashbacks - nice snappy sentences packed with emotion.

    Thank you for your entry in Sheer Brilliance.


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    October 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    This is my second time reading through this story.

    It is very good and a different perspective. I don't know if it accurately describes the motivations of a suicide bomber or not. They usually don't survive to discuss their reasons. It does seem probable.

    Thanks for entering Exceptional Stories To Be Published.

    Andy


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I can see why this piece has so many comments and has accrued so many shiny trophies - it's really quite amazing. The pacing is absolutely perfect, timed to the fraction of a second (as must be done in a story that's only 1 second long, right? ). It's fascinating the way you build up a rich and detailed backgrond story for your main character at the same time that you rip him apart metal pellet by metal pellet. There's a certain balance and almost karma to it, for that reason. It's also obvious that you know enough about bombs and how explosions move to make this story realistic - I would have to spend a good deal of time researching the topic before I could pull of something even remotely similar. And, well, I was so caught up in reading the story, in needing desperately to know what was going to happen in the next fraction of a second, I completely neglected looking for any typoes. Oops... Hopefully you've had enough reviews to get helpful comments from others by now. *laughs* I can't believe I haven't read this one before - it's so good!

    • slashinguk
      September 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      That's because there are no typos! There were two in the original version, but they got ironed out pretty quickly.

      I'm certainly no explosives expert. It's wonderful what 5-minutes of wikipedia surfing can achieve.

      Thank you so much for the very positive review.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is really good! i enjoyed reading it very much! aweosome job! Thanks for entering the contest!

    -LostSoul

  • PamelaP
    September 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Powerful

    This was excellent. It was gripping and horrific. The way you tried to get into the mind of a terrorist is, I feel inspirational.
    Well done.

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.

    • slashinguk
      September 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I hope the "inspirational" part wasn't to do anything like the protagonist, but just on how to take a different perspective.

      Thanks for the applause.


  • Six-Feet-Underwater
    September 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Chilling, maybe that's not the right word, it was moving, and definately well written offering a rare insight to a suicide bomber. Beautifully written and great!

    • slashinguk
      September 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. Chilling and moving are pretty much the tone I was aiming for.


  • Thorn-on-the-Rose silver member
    September 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Absolutly amazing. I honestly think that this is without a doubt one of the best stories I have ever read, absolutly, perfect. You are definitly a finalist. Congrats. and great job, this is so powerful, I love it.

    -Dani


  • Reaver Greeters member
    September 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ooohhh...i had read this one before but just had to read again, just because it's that good ! I'm still really loving it...great work!

    RIan


  • urbanronin88
    September 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    It's a good write. very unique and intense. One of the best I've read on this site.


  • Night Terrors
    August 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is an unusual story but I think it made a pretty good point. It was very creative, and so sad. I think it was a great write. thabks for entering such a great story

  • Melissa Loves Jeffy
    August 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Damn you sure did win a lot of trophies on this one. Of course you did because this was amazing. Amazingly written and an amazing view. You truly did a wonderful job. Well done.


  • miles of smiles
    August 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This the most intense story I've read on this site. It was terrorizing, and my heart slowed, then started to beat rapidly. Your descriptions, words, story...all amazing. You stretched a second out to a lifetime.

    Good luck in the SW Oscars- you definitely deserve to win.


  • Talisa Tourniquet
    July 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I loved how it seemed like time stopped and was going slowly but it was actually pretty fast. Wonderful story you are an amazing writer.


  • Hellcat Metal
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow that was good and sad. Loved the flashbacks and how each time it changed it was going a little faster as his body was being engulfed. It was well written and I certainly felt the emotions from it, HIS emotions especially. I liked that it was in his view also. This was a good read. Thanks for entering and good luck!


  • Darkhearted
    July 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very desciptive emotions. I can feel his pain and anger and confusion.
    wonderful.

    good luck,
    chey-bear


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    July 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Alright I'll make this short. For one I clearly stated at the top of my contest that I did not want stories with a lot of prior contest entries for that is doing nothing but milking the story for every trophy it is worth. Secondly I aked you to put your gender in your A/N and you did not which give me the impression that you just entered it as another contest this could fit in. I do believe I have commented on this so I will not do so again. This will not place I can tell you that now but I won't DQ you.

    • slashinguk
      July 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah, I read that first note and you said you "wouldn't look fondly" on stories entered into many contests, but would not disqualify on that basis.

      I read the rules, numbered 1-8, and did not realize that another rule followed four paragraphs later. Sorry, I'll withdraw this story.

      Since this is my only highly regarded story under 4000 words, I don't have anything else to offer.

      Thanks for your understanding and good luck with your competition.


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    July 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    The plot is easy to follow, the idea worked out cleanly and the thoughts of narrator are clear

    The reading takes longer than a second .

    You set up a well-defined outline and developed the story to fit within that outline. The plot is easy to follow, the idea worked out cleanly and the thoughts of narrator are clear and understandable.

    There was a word limit but .

    I suppose if anything a reader might in MHO find you are too ambitious and expect seven hundred words to carry the load another writer would engage 70,000 words or more to do.

    The horror of what this fellow has experienced in life, the emotions he suffered and is still suffering that have driven him to this finality get shortchanged by too short a tale. I think you are a talented writer, with a terrific imagination and I see a lot of potential for a novel in this story.

    Geri

    plot: 5.


  • Naive.
    July 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Completely Amazing...

    I think this has to be one of the best things I've ever read on this site. This is truly descriptive writing at its best. I love the way you wrote this with flashbacks of the bomber's life; it was very unique and unlike anything I've read before. And unlike some other comments people have made, I think the amount of detail you went into was perfect and fit well with the split-second death. I also love the subject you wrote about. It's fascinating and causes the reader to more closely examine a suicide bomber. Incredible work.

    Thanks for entering and good luck! =]

    -jj

  • sugarrrainbow silver member
    July 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, what an interesting little piece. I have never read anything about suicide bombers and this makes me want to read others.
    This was really well written and eloquent, but with all the gore that truly represents war.
    I can almost understand suicide bombers.
    Almost.
    Great job!


  • JuliaAlexandrovna
    July 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This story is amazing. Very interesting perspective. I love fragments too by the way. Thank you for entering my contest and I wish you luck.

    x Julez

  • Melancholic Smile silver member
    July 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow this certainly is Seriously Deep and it was wonderfully well written. Difficult to read (emotionally) but interesting to read from that kind of perspective. I read it for a second time and was completely absorbed in the words. You did a great job, well done and thanks for entering!

    • slashinguk
      July 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      That's so kind and exactly what I was hoping to achieve.


  • moonwriter
    July 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I read this before, but I read it again. I was still overcome by the incredible descriptions. You made his pain clearly understandable and just amazing. The emotion was absolutely overwhelming. I'm glad you entered this. This was just one of the most aqmazing things I've ever read. Good luck!


  • Forgotten Tink.
    June 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Holy. Moo. Cow.

    OMG! I hate using chat peak but still! This was amazing! The detail was grand, the emotion so perfect...I really really liked it. I have never seen anything like this. I mean Amazing. I hate to rant and rave, but seriously this...this is written perfection. You did wonderful!

    • slashinguk
      June 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Too kind

      Aw shucks. You're too kind. It seems strange to me how well received this story has been given it's the fastest one I've ever written. I wish I could tap into that creative energy all the time!


  • Vanilla King
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! I love the change of perspective and how you looked at it from the suicide-bomber's side, even though you do not condone those actions.
    Marvelous work, wish I had a contest that you participated in so I could give it gold! XD

  • Writing0Freedom
    June 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    That was a really unusual perspective to have written in. It takes a lot of talent as a writer and strength as a person to try to write about something like this. Thank you for giving a way to look at it. I like how you explained what made him what he was. It really added how cut off the sentences were when he was remembering. It made it seem more real. This was very descriptive and well written. You did your research and I appreciate that. It means you really took the time to read the rules. I really like this. I think that many things like this that while I too don't condone it I do believe there is a lot of misunderstanding and if we tried to understand what makes up the people who do this and where they are coming from we could take away the hatred. We could rebuild the bridges and fix what has been broken. Thank you for taking the initiative to write this and then post it in the contest! You wrote well and this made me think.
    Just a suggestion if you are going to describe his life, one some of the really important ones you could put more detail. Such as how you described his sisters dying- a catalyst for what made him who he became I think- that type of description adds to it enough to give a mental picture and to let the reader imagine the rest.
    Good writing!
    WritingFree


  • Seshat Kitty
    June 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A very different perspective to what people usually look at. It was very detailed and very well written but the last line and the title does not fit into the story.
    Good Luck!

    • slashinguk
      June 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      The final line (and title) imply that, even though some people try their best to change the world (through these sorts of acts), life goes on as usual. It's an attempt to belittle the act and imply that it won't change anything (except for the obvious impact to those immediately affected).

  • moonwriter
    June 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    That was amazing. THe way you wrote it was so interesting and it actually made me feel bad for the man. It really makes you rethink just writing these men off as evil. It had never occured to me that these men might have been hurt; scarred. It's really horrible to think that they'd been pushed to that.

    Thank you for opening my mind. I will never look at one of those news stories the same again. Absolutely incredible. You have an amazing way with words.

    • slashinguk
      June 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      High praise indeed

      Thank you very much. You are clearly a member of the intended audience of this story.


  • WritersEffigy gold member
    June 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I like it, its a very interesting look at what is lately a daily event.

    Thanks for entering!


  • Oddems.
    June 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    That was just...wow. It took a totally different perspective and showed that they aren't just heartless creatures-they do have hearts and those are sometimes the thing that drives them to do stuff such as this. Great job! Oh and yes, it was the shortest story.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • slashinguk
      June 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      Thanks for your comment and all the applause. I can't imagine that anyone would do anything like these for reasons other than the heart.

      I'm especially pleased you agree it was the shortest story. No doubt someone will write one that takes place in just a single instant.

      Thanks also for the applause.

1 - 99 of 193     1 2  next >  (show all)