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As the moonlight danced like a strobe, Drakes soft grey eyes fell over his journal. His long black hair swayed gently as the cool night air swam through the empty box car. Draco was sitting behind a create with his bare back against the metal of the car. His scars looked even deeper alone in the dark. He pulled a single finger across the floor as he read aloud.2
" Power, power, and life. This is what I awoke to. The pain, immense pain, excruciating pain, I can Feel it course through me. Through mind, body, and what ever may be left of my broken soul. The pain, the pain is real and I wish to share it." He whispered to himself as he raise a carmine finger to his lips. "I know he's looking, I know I've broken their laws, I've broken them all. Yet, do they know? Know what I am, do they have a clue what I've become."3
His mind spun with these thoughts as he felt the pull of the night. His eyes begin to drift, he knew it was almost dawn. His figure begin to fade into the shadows as he drew the blood covered finger across his tribal halo tattoo. The box car rocked across more tracks the dawn was here. 4
As the shadows of his nightly topor took hold and Dracos mind drifted. Yet, not into the silent slumber mortals share, but the dreams of the fallen ones. His not so uncontentious mind has lost what it takes to dream. He had lost that part of his soul, the part of himself once he moved unto this life. But, there was nothing Drako missed less then that part of his mortal coil. 5
His undead mind drifts to those moments of his new life he wishes to never forget. Each dream is a clear revelation of everything that once happened, form the feeling of rain on his face to the detail of a button on the shirt of a passer by. Though the creativity of one soul is diminished by his condition, new parts of his creative mind where made clear. As his mind drifted Draco thoughts whispered "Ni-mid-ee-thos, Nimideethos."6
Author notes
Okay, working on it...
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Thanks, MDT, almost forgot I got to get back to this. I'm working, bur maybe I'll get some time monday. Thanks for the reminder.
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awsome. as well. it's a great write. and here i am wishing i could write like that. well anyways you should write the rest soon. i mean now. I am demanding it. lol well keep up the work
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wow. "mortal coil" i love that so much, it just jumped up and bit me. this just keeps getting better, i can't wait to see more, type it right now!!!
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Well type-o... but that is a great word thanks.
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Triable: capable of/or being tried or tested....or a judicial exacmination, in other words being under the scope! Nice word, where did it go, well I think it was meant to be tribal. Anyway triable is a word!
~Tina -
Wow you have excellent descriptions here. You set the tone mysterious, and dark. I could easily picture your character sitting there, with his open book, reflecting on his life. If I may be so bold.. I think there was a few fragmented sentences, but it did not take away from the stroy. I am not sure if you write this just for you or if you have intention on trying to get it published.
I spotted I couple of typos:
'I can Fell it course through me'. Should that be feel?
And what is a triable? I tried to look it up but could not find it in the online dictionary.
I hope my comment has been helpful, and if you do want more suggestions, I'd be happy to help. I just don't want to over step my bounds, and I do realise this piece is not finished yet.
Over all this was an excellent piece, and now I want to read the rest.
Christine
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What a great work in progress, I really enjoy your poetry! You are very well written, impressive. Hope to see the rest of this soon!
~Tina -
wow. you really set the mood with this piece. wonderfully descriptive, you're off to a great start! can't wait to see more!
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