Opposing Views pt 3 (Jacqueline)

(Jacqueline)1

Today has not started off my life as a college student in any way that would sit well with me. Of course, under the circumstances, I don’t think I could have been anything less than stressed and pissy. I mean, my mother and Sierra, my older sister, were all over me last night, giving me their zero cents worth of advice and hanging on me when they knew I wanted them to go away, that I hate people hanging around my things and just- just being in such an enclosed space with me. It feels like an invasion, a suffocation. I just wanted to pack my things alone and slowly get myself used to the inevitable fact that not only was I moving and undergoing a major change- both which were enough on their own to stress me- but I also would have to share my small, allotted living quarters with a stranger. A stranger like Idris McKenzie, to top it all off.2

I wanted to be alone, like I said, but oh no, my mother and Sierra just had to hang around being “helpful”. As if they knew what they were talking about- Mom dropped out of high school and now works at Wal Mart, and Sierra never went beyond her first year of tech school. She’s a waitress at Chili’s now. As if either of them knew the first thing about getting along in a four year university.3

I absolutely hate it when things are out of order, so looking at all the boxes and bags in my room really stressed me out. I was so thrown by it that I didn’t hardly sleep at all- not that I sleep much anyway. I’m always awake by 6:30 at the very latest. Usually I go out and run before breakfast, then again at night, with stretches and crunches and toning exercises in between. But today I only had time to run in the morning, because we had to drive to Anders in the afternoon. 4

Sitting behind the wheel of my car, all my stuff piled in the seat behind me, I felt edgy, itchy. I needed to run every day, and I was skipping it. Not to mention mom and Sierra had insisted to stopping at a fast food joint for lunch. I could already feel my plain grilled chicken sandwich going straight to my thighs. How could they stand to eat like that, when they were already so big? Sierra was a size 11, and Mom- who knew. It was terrible. It disgusts me to watch them eat, to have their flesh touch me. I will never allow myself to be like them. It is the Kavanaugh family way, to grow flabby and fleshy, but I refuse to follow their lead.5

They are always harping on me for being so healthy, for eating right and exercising. “You’re too skinny, Jacqueline, you need to put some meat on your bones.” “Jackie, do you ever eat?” “Maybe you shouldn’t run today, Jackie.” Please- maybe they should get off their asses and join me. Just because I’m healthy doesn’t mean I’m starving or anorexic. Far from it- I’m 5’6 and 108 pounds. Far from too thin.6

They wanted Sierra or Mom to ride in my car over to the college with me, while whichever one who didn’t stayed in her own car. I vetoed that immediately- I didn’t think I’d be able to stand their talking at me about all their advice all the way. It’s not like I needed it- I always get done what needs to be done without being told or reminded. I mean, I was number three in my class rank, and I don’t do stupid shit to damage my body like smoke or drink or drugs. I have no interest in dating, and I’m perfectly healthy. So what did they think they needed to tell me I wouldn’t do on my own?7

I’ve been wanting to leave home for years now. It would have felt like such relief, such freedom to be getting away from them and their stupid attempts to stifle me- if only I could have a dorm room all to myself. But no, for at least a year I have to be assigned to a roommate- and of course, my roommate would just have to be another Mom/Sierra type. That is the nice fucking luck I have.8

I met my roommate, Idris McKenzie, a few weeks ago at freshman orientation. She doesn’t seem like a bossy or mean person, or someone who would be loud and keep me up with her boyfriends all night. However, I can’t imagine what guy would want to date her, looking like she does, and the reason she’s quiet and unassertive is she seems to have no spine. Idris is one of those meek, wishy-washy, depressed people, like my mother ever since my father walked out on us. And of course, like my mother, Idris is fat.9

Not just slightly chubby. No, Idris is probably about 5’4 and 200 pounds at least- maybe 240. I don’t know how I’m going to stand living in the same room with her- it was hard enough to talk to her when I met her. I mean, I don’t even like looking at her for too long- it makes my stomach hurt, and I don’t want to eat at all, let alone anything over 50 calories.10

She must eat so much to stay that big… I won’t be able to stand watching her. What if I see her undressing, or worse, accidentally walk in on her in the bathroom? Oh god, I can’t think about that!11

I have this fear that by being in such a confined space with Idris, having to see her so much, watch her eat, that I will become fat too, that somehow it will transfer onto me, as if it were contagious. I don’t think I could live with myself if it did- I really think I’d rather die than be fat.12

When we at last arrived on campus, had signed in, and were hauling my first load of stuff into the dorm, Mom and Sierra just had to be overly loud and embarrassing, of course, exclaiming over every little thing, like the stupid name sheets on the doors. They were all, “Oh look Jackie,” “Isn’t this cute, Jackie,” “Jacqueline, you’re so lucky, you’re going to have such a great time!”13

Blah blah blah. They just kept waving at people, embarrassing the hell out of me, and even stopped to introduce themselves to two girls, Rayna Hanley and Caitlyn Dexter. It turned out that they were two of the five girls I’d be sharing a bathroom with. I looked them over critically as I mumbled my name. Rayna was tallish, slender, darkly pretty with a cautious smile- too preppy and smiley, but at least she wasn’t fat. Who could tell with Caitlyn- she had a fairly slender face, but her body was completely concealed beneath her hugely baggy black clothes. She didn’t’ seem any more thrilled to meet me or Rayna then I was.14

It was then, when we were standing outside of Rayna’s and Caitlyn’s dorm- still not opening my dorm to put my stuff up, which was my goal- that our door opened, and Idris shuffled out uncertainly. She has pink braces and a round, lightly freckled face, and her hair is short, blondish brown- not a good length, it only emphasizes the roundness of her face.15

“Jacqueline?” she said uncertainly. “Hi… um, I’m Jacqueline’s roommate, Idris.”16

“Idris- hi!” my mother piped up, still using that annoyingly cheerful, exuberant voice. It made me cringe to listen to her. “I’m Jacqueline’s mother, Neva Kavanaugh, and this is my other daughter, Sierra-n I’m sure Jackie told you about us at orientation though, right? All good- or would you prefer to keep your silence with that?” she laughed, too loud and weird-sounding, and I did cringe then. Why didn’t they just leave- why couldn’t we get on with getting into my room and putting my stuff up?17

“Hi,” I muttered, and reached for the doorknob very pointedly, having to be very careful not to brush Idris’s body with any part of mine. But Rayna, the girl standing in her doorway, interrupted me. Caitlyn, her semi-goth roommate, was still sitting on her bed. She hadn’t even stood up or gone to the door when we were all meeting, just let us poke our heads in at her.18

“Idris- that’s a very unusual name,” she said. “Is it from a myth or something?”19

“No,” Idris muttered, looking down at her feet. “I don’t think so.”20

“So you’re Jacqueline’s roommate- I guess we’ll be sharing a bathroom with you too,” Rayna went on, and I just wanted to say something- anything- to make her shut up. Couldn’t she see I wanted to get into my room? “I’m Rayna Hanley. My roommate is Caitlyn Dexter-“ and I thought her voice sounded rather strained at that last sentence. “She’s in our room if you want to meet her- I don’t think she’s going to come out and be sociable though.”21

Was that bitterness in Ms. Rayna the Friendly Neighbor’s tone? Were she and Ms. Goth fighting already? Ha ha- they did seem a bad match. But then, so were me and Idris.22

Idris didn’t seem to know how to take Rayna’s offer- she smiled in an obviously forced way and shifted her feet, still keeping her eyes downcast. Her little awkward ways were going to get on my nerves, I could tell already.23

They stood there talking for another five minutes or so, and I was getting more and more impatient. I mean, we were just standing there holding my stuff, and all my other things were in the car. So I finally said, “Look, nice to meet you and all, but can I get into my room? Please?”24

I looked at all of them pointedly- especially Idris, who was blocking the way with her girth. They finally got a move on then- Idris moved to let me open the door, seeming jumpy, almost frightened, which annoyed me further. As we straggled into the room, Rayna remained at her doorway, watching us, to my irritation. Either she was completely fascinated by us and hoping for an invitation to join us, or she was really desperate not to have to return to her own room and roommate.25

The first thing I noticed when I walked into the dorm was that Idris’s stuff was EVERYWHERE. I mean everywhere- all over the floor and the dresser, practically every spare bit of space. Nothing was on the beds or desks or shelves- all of it was all over the floor. I found myself eyeing the ugly stuffed animals, the huge shirts and pants, her cheap-looking makeup- jeez. I wondered what size she was- there was no telling. And she had brought food, of course- soda and chips and candy, cookies, Pop-Tarts. Tons of fatty, sugary junk in plain view- I’d have to watch her eat it. Jus thinking about it disgusted me- how could she have such little self-control?26

“Why is your crap all over the floor?” I blurted out. “How long have you been here? Where are your parents?”27

Idris flushed- did she spend all her time with her face glowing- and mumbled, “My parents- they already left. They dropped me off.”28

Lucky- wish MY parent would take a hint.29

“I-I’ve only been here an hour. Um… I was, uh, waiting. For you. Like, to agree, who got what closet, and dresser and all… I didn’t just, like, want to pick when you weren’t here yet.”30

“Well that was nice of you!” Mom exclaimed, smiling at Idris warmly. Sierra smiled too.31

“Yeah, Jackie, trust me, you’re lucky- most people would just pick which things they wanted and leave you with the other stuff.”32

Lucky- her crap was all over the floor! I could barely move!33

“So, um, which side do you want?” Idris asked, raising her eyes to meet mine briefly. 34

“I don’t care,” I said shortly. “Flip a coin to see who gets what side.”35

It was determined that I would get the right side of the room. As soon as I had set my stuff down, I turned to get the next load, motioning for my mom and sister to come help. Once I had my stuff in, I started putting it up- making my bed, hanging up clothes, etc. Idris mostly just stood there awkwardly, not putting her stuff up, to my annoyance. She moved her stuff aside so I could put my stuff down, and she piled some stuff on her bed, but that was about it. She seemed completely clueless as to how to do ANYTHING- as if no one had ever told her, or as if she needed to be told to.36

Finally Mom and Sierra got the message that I wanted them to leave- I wouldn’t mind them taking Idris with them, but I’d take what I could get. They offered to take us out to dinner, but I declined before Idris could accept. NO WAY.37

I continued to flit around the room, cleaning, organizing,and eventually Idris started putting some of her stuff up too, an awkward, slower shadow. Somehow this annoyed me more than if she had just kept watching me. Everything the girl did, intentionally or not, made me want to close my eyes, or shake her. How would I get through the entire year if I couldn’t stand to even look at her?38