Making It Better

“I’m sorry.” I try to push the words out of my throat and through my lips, yet they come out mumbled. Her eyes stay focused on the ground, as she shrugs her shoulders. I bite the inside of my lip to keep my emotions from spilling out. I knew I had to tell her eventually. The one person I had ever loved, and my parents were ripping her from my arms. I see the tears starting to form, like icing covering her chocolate brown eyes. I wish so bad I could take all her pain as my own, but I have my own pain to deal with. I reach my hand out and slide it into her own, our fingers gliding in between the spaces that had been created only for each other.  I squeeze her hand, and she squeezes mind back, with less enthusiasm.1

“How long do you think this will last?” She finally speaks, and my eyes shoot up to look at her. She’s still not looking at me, avoiding all eye contact..I’m surprised she’s even letting me hold her hand. But I know she is going to break eventually, so I’m patiently waiting. I need her to break, just as she needs herself to break. So that our hearts can melt into each other.2

“I don’t know. Maybe the whole two years.” She’s really going to break now. Two years without each other, how can either of us do it? She rests her head on my shoulder and nuzzles her face into my neck. I feel her breathing in the vanilla perfume I’m wearing, and then a warm tear falls from her face, to my neck. I use my free hand to hold her other hand, and I pull her closer to me. She shakes a little as the tears come a little more freely now, but she’s still holding back and I know it. I just have to push her a little further. I’m not trying to make her break to be cruel, but I need it. I need her to cry, and to hold me and to need me. That way I can break, so we can just completely fall apart together.  3

“I love you.” I whisper into her ear. My heart is so close to breaking, I just need her to need me. She lets go.4

“I love you too” She’s sobbing now, and her whole body shakes against mine. She seems so small now; so helpless. All the hurt just keeps spilling out of her, and I know that as she cries, she feels her whole body draining itself of any emotion. I broke her. I broke her and I fixed her all at the same time. We sit on the edge of the bed, in akward silence as we both cry, and hold on each other as tightly as we can. We don’t say anything, nothing is going to take the pain away. I can feel the tears burning my eyes, but that doesn’t stop me from fighting them back. I cant let go for some reason, and I don’t know why. She lies down now on the bed, pulling me with her. She rearranges her body so that its parallel to my own. Legs, arms, eyes, hearts. A strand of her black hair falls in her face, and I gently tuck it back behind her ear. I lean close and kiss the tears that are just starting to fall. I kiss the tears over and over, trying to catch each one on my lips. She tries to push out a smile, and it turns out as a frown. I put my hand on the side of her face now, feeling the way that her skin feels like silk on my own, trying to memorize it. I close my eyes, for the first time in a long time, instead of just staring at her. I move my body in closer, and now there is such a little space in between us. My eyes are still closed, but I can see her face in front of me. I know her eyes are closed, they always are. But when I open my eyes again, they meet hers. Both of our eyes looking down, but at each other.5

“What are we going to do?”  I ask her, wanting  to hear that voice I love so much again.  She shrugs again and closes her eyes, sighing. Our fingers play around now, dancing, wrapping themselves around one another. Our noses touch too, and she smiles a little bit. A real smile and it tears my heart into pieces. I’m addicted to that smile. Now our legs intertwine as I curl up, wrapping my whole body around her, protecting us both from the rest of the world. She cups my face with one hand, and I bite my lip again, trying not to cry. I close my eyes, trying to remember this moment as well as I can. I need this. I need her. I need so much in life, but she it the only thing I’m going to die with out. Our lips crash together for what seems like it’s going to be the last time. We hold each other a bit longer and try not to fall asleep. We know when we wake up, that we won’t see each other for a while. She’s holding onto the moment and she’s holding onto my heart. She curls into me now, and she’s so close that I can feel her heart beat inside of me. And she’s making it better, but she doesn’t even know it.6