I was sensually awakened as she picked me up in her soft, smooth hands and started to bring me up to her silky, appealing hair once again.1
Then I awoke from my memories. I felt a pang of sadness as my body interlocked with the strands of what was left of the sensational silky mane she'd once possessed. 2
She was crying, once more, I sensed. She kept carrying me back to her, though, forcing me to explore the few stands left, which were less and less each day. 3
How sad, in all actuality, this was becoming. Her beautiful, gorgeous curls had once been her pride and joy; her one trophy for being such an amazing person. I, as privileged as I was, was allowed to touch her stunning locks each and every day; I was interlocked with them and enveloped in them, making her smile as she saw how exquisite she really looked. I now felt disgusted to be caught in the few strands of dying fuzz that were left. 4
I no longer felt as if swimming in a golden sea; I felt bare and naked, exposed while only partly feeling the breeze- what's left of the extraordinary ocean.5
I knew, in the essence of her being, she was still that luscious, beautiful woman she'd always been, the one I'd seen when caressing her fur. But I couldn't help but feel repulsed as she pulled me through the minority of her tresses, trying to look a shadow of what she once was.6
I couldn't help but feel at ease the day she stopped coming back to me, and I was left alone, still reminiscing on the days when I was the guardian of a picturesque lady's locks.7
Author notes
Dude. This is not my style, but I am completely content on how this piece turned out. I really like it. ASFAND, though, was a meanie head and explained the contest...weirdly and I wrote a different piece for this contest before, which didn't follow the right precedure, so I had to rewrite my entry! But, that's okay, I think I like this one more anyway. It's actually about my prompt, a comb, that once belonged to a woman with amazing hair. Then she got cancer and it kept falling out, and she didn't feel beautiful anymore, and the comb didn't even want to brush what was left of her hair. Then, she died and the comb was happy that he didn't have to go through her grotesque hair anymore, though he still loved to remember when he'd gotten to brush her beautiful hair. I find this 'dark' in the category you were talking about, and I used exactly seven of the words, like I was supposed to. I hope saying it was a comb in the author's notes was okay...anyway...I'm done. It's 287 words....check MS word. Thanks for reading!
A contest entry
- The Writer's Challenge ~ Round I by Asfand.
100 points, ended November 14, 2007, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - anything decent less than 600 words. by Anonymous Shadow.
100 points, ended January 24, 2008, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think of it? Please! lol!
Comments
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o0o0o0o0...you're story was cool!!!!
...the prompt usage was great..and i loved ur adjecives. i liked the flow, and the idea was great...good luck in the contest...ur story was great..! -
Great job! I loved how I could figure out what this was about, where as with some stories I've been like, "what the crap? What is that?!" But with yours I knew. It's refreshing.
Thanks for clarifying what your prompt was in your AN.
Once again, great job, and good luck in the contest. -
You're only 13? This is pretty good. I didn't quite get it until the end (I thought the narrator was a baby or something), but the descriptions are good and ambiguous in a flowing sort of way. You did a pretty good job of bringing out some feeling and a little bit of relevance to the piece, and you didn't wander, which could have easily been a temptation in a piece like this.
One thing. The sentence: "How sad, in all actuality, this was becoming," doesn't really need that "in all actuality". "How sad this was becoming" is much more forceful, more rhythmic, and preserves the flow of the story.
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