The Story No one wants to Hear Chapter Seven

Drowning in the Mud1

I don't know why, but I didn't call Zachary at all. I didn't want to call him. It felt like I was feeding off of his existence like I did when we were getting high together. It felt like I was a bad omen to him. The minute we got back together (Or it seemed that way) he over dosed. I don't even think he realized what he was doing. He didn't seem depressed; I just think he was drowning in it. I think drowning is fun at times. Sometimes it just feels really good because you know reality won't sink in for quite a while. The adrenalin rush is what keeps you crazy and everything else disappears. You don't even think. You just do.2

I found myself lying next to my stairs, counting the dots on the ceiling. My eyes were sore and my mind had been lame and there for just about three hours. My mother had left early and she wasn't coming back for a while. Maybe a day or two.3

I didn't even count after a while, I just laid there-- but I wasn't wasted. All around me there are numbers. The numbers go like this:4

Drug free: 145

Zachary Free: 146

Dots on one ceiling part: 3447

The jeans I was wearing were old- a year or two. They had a tear over the knee and my mother constantly tried to convince me to throw them out, but I just loved them. I guess you can't convince the ignorant or the stubborn to do as you say. I wear these jeans with an old red sweater I got from my grandmother and an old yellow shirt someone bought me for Christmas.8

I hate Christmas. Everyone gets together and acts like everything is OK. Everything is generic and life seems very tiring. Someone is always upset on Christmas day whether it be from lack of a boyfriend or girlfriend being able to make it, or a rivalry between the adults, the teens or the children or something else.9

The bad thing about Christmas in my house is that nobody comes to visit and we're never home. The gifts are left under the tree and one of us comes and opens them sooner or later. It depends. Last year I was the one who had the white Christmas with no snow outside. It was hilarious to me for some reason and people were sitting on couches and laughing and smiling and drinking then snorting and the girls would be dancing with each other or were pulled onto laps while guys said "ho ho ho" like morons.10

Drugs were my anti life.11

It made me feel like Alice in Wonderland or something else that was really special. If I wasn't Cathy then I was somebody else. Somebody stronger, faster, louder, and funnier. But not somebody original. When everyone gets high, we sometimes see the same thing. If you didn't see the same thing, somebody pointing it out in their own fantasy would make it appear in yours. It was funny, like magic that really had no tricks behind it.12

I never really liked magic. I liked the magic that I got by moving my nose or playing with my hands. The magic that came that way never had a truth deeper than the one you could find in the shallow water. With my magic, I could strangle the truth and drown it in that shallow water. What I mean by shallow water is that there was nothing beyond it than getting high. No one was escaping shit as far as I knew and if I did know, I forgot it. We all forgot in our fantasy.13

Whoever said that you couldn't live a dream was lying. You just need the right stuff to do it.14

Sometimes shit went inside of me and I didn't even know what it was. I just knew that the second I did it, I was fucking free of every little thing.15

Now a days I don't even care. I just know that I am. I don't know what I am, I just am.16

It's like I'm not enjoying life and I'm not hating it, I'm in limbo. I haven't heard from Zachary in quite a while and I know that he's in drug consoling. Maybe it's good for me; maybe my starvation is good for me.17

Lately it feels as if my mouth has gone dry and my eyes have gone hollow. No one can break through this sharp outer shell without being cut and if you try to catch the truth, I'll give you a lie that's just as good.18

I know that sooner or later I have to get off of the floor. It's only four but I've been here for a good hour and my body is numb all over. The second I get up I'm going to ache all over, but it's fine because I've dealt with worse.19

But nothing is stronger than the starvation I'm going through right now. I think I've lost a good five pounds since two weeks passed. I haven't been eating and it feels almost as if I haven't been breathing.20

I force my body up by grabbing the cold brown railing with my left hand and when I force myself up, it feels as if my arm is breaking.21

At this point my mind is wandering to whatever land. Is Zachary thinking of me? It's been a while since he saw me and I'm starting to ponder whether or not he even knew who I was. Was the Zachary I love the one who was high all of the time? The one who could make me laugh by doing a twisted face? The one who had stoned sex with me on the couch half of the time and would just let me lean against his shoulder as we watched a movie because I couldn't keep my head up while laughing at nothing?22

Who was Zachary anyways?23

I almost felt like visiting him but doubt was keeping me on the fence. Finding out who this Zachary was now that he wasn't high scared me and made my curiousity grow at the same time. I felt a wave of nausea wash over me and I just leaned against the railing. I reached into my right pocket and felt my cell phone. I almost laughed at myself when I flipped the cover off and started going into my phone book.24

Sadie.25

Thomas.26

Xavier.27

Zachary.28

When I clicked the OK button over Zachary's name, I wasn't thinking about what I was getting myself into. I wasn't even thinking about how this would affect me or that I had school tomorrow, I just felt the desire to know more. The times when we were stoned and fine with everything aren't like the times now. I felt like I HAD to know what I had fallen in love with.29

Could he even find a reason to love a wreck like me? Would he even see the difference between the girl laughing stoned on his lap and the girl who kept her eyes on her feet?30

How had my sweet stoned Zachary changed?31

My lips hadn't parted from their pursed position in a few hours so when I finally opened them when I had called Zachary they were dry and my throat felt sticky.32

The ring almost scared me. The house had been so silent it almost felt like I would fall down the stairs from a heart attack.33

One ring.34

I didn't care much, I didn't want to care. I was feeling dulled on the inside. A flame had been going on a string that had been wearing too thin to let the flame breathe anymore and whatever was near the string was turning to ash.35

Ring two. I smiled at my reactions to everything. It would've been funnier if I had a line or two in my system.36

Ring three. I wasn't even discouraged; I didn't expect him to pick up at this point. I almost didn't care.37

Ring four. Almost.38

"Hey…I'm not here right now so…do…whatever the fuck you wanna do…"39

That message let me down hard. I almost didn't care. Almost. I did though. Somehow I dragged some stoned emotion into my reality and my reality let me down harder than my stoned days did. Without distractions my problems were free to harass me and make me feel like throwing myself down the stairs.40

A really easy thing to do because the stairs were just a few inches away and breaking my neck would be easy if my head stayed near the railing. I would choke a bit on my blood but all in all, it would probably take seconds. Thirty seconds tops.41

When my closed phone vibrated in my hand I felt my heart skip a beat and I almost fell asleep. Something made me more exhausted than usual. I flipped it open and before I even looked at the caller ID, I found myself eager to hear whatever this person had to say.42

"Hello…?" I had a perk in my voice. I could hear it -- the eagerness, the wanting, the desire, and the need.43

"Hey it's Zachary."44

I'm not a little love sick girl. I'm not a seductress either.45

"So how's everything going?"46

I sounded like someone who hadn't seen him in a while. An awkward conversation. Was I still his girlfriend? I was going to ask him.47

"Fine, fine. You heard what happened?"48

"Yeah…So what's going on now?"49

I mentally cursed at myself. Chicken shit.50

"I'm in rehab and I kinda want you to visit, Cathy."51

So he did know my name. For some reason, I felt a little special.52

"…OK. When?"53

Ifound myself scratching the back of my head without even realizing I had lifted my arm. I was trying to distract myself, to get away from sounding too eager.54

"Tomorrow? Sometime around 12?"55

"That's good. That's good. I'll be there, OK?"56

He gave me the directions and as soon as he did, we parted and destroyed the small talk we had with our phones. He sounded OK, I sounded OK.57

We sounded awkward.58

The next day was easier to get up in the morning. I was skipping school on a Wednesday and on the inside I felt excited. Something in me was screaming and inside of my stomach wasn't butterflies, it was fire. Not painful, not good. Somewhere in between.59

Catching the bus wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I caught it early so I wouldn't be bothered by 12 PM lunch traffic. It was about 11 AM and the trip would be a good thirty minutes. It was in another town whose name I couldn't even remember.60

I was half asleep throughout the bus ride, I had only slept about four hours and my questions were making my throat close and choke me. I thought that if I went to sleep I would die in my nightmares.61

The black gate that met me up front almost scared me and I was only let in after explaining to a guard I was here for a visit. He smiled and nodded at me, but as I walked past him I couldn't help but notice out of the corner of my eye that the smile he had given to me had faded almost as quickly as it had appeared and he was ready as if someone would try to escape this place like a jail.62

The building was all white and I guess it's because people believe that white is a calming color. The irony almost made me laugh: they put someone in here who snorts white things to get crazy.63

The inside of the building was just as white as the out and it reminded me of a hospital with no patients being rolled around on beds and wheel chairs. The smell in their burned my eyes and my nostrils for some reason. I closed my eyes like I was going to fall asleep standing when I stepped up to the front desk in the lobby. Two women on computers were typing, one looked young and one looked old like an intern and a manager.64

"Can I help you?" The one I assumed was an intern had sandy blond hair and her voice reminded me of a bubble gum blond I once saw in a movie. Perky like she was always happy when this place seemed melancholy and lonely.65

"I'm just here to visit someone." My voice sounded tired compared to hers.66

"Who?" She sounded curious as hell and it made me want to slap her and remind her where she worked.67

"Zachary…" For a second I had forgotten his last name. "Zachary Grant."68

"Oh. Hold on a sec."69

I waited for what seemed like forever. It felt like forever only because I was tired and I wasn't stoned. If I was stoned it would seem like a millisecond.70

"He's in room 214. Take the elevator to the second floor and if you go down the hallway on the right side there'll be a room that reads "Conference" on a little info box and you can just go right on inside, Ma'am."71

I hated how she called me ma'am. She was probably older than me but I probably looked older thanks to the lack of sleep and lack of makeup.72

The elevator was quiet. The place seemed like a ghost town and I assumed it was because everyone was busy and everyone was away. Oddly enough, I lost myself to staring at the wall. When the elevator doors opened I stepped out and I watched the doors flash by me as I walked.73

202. Did Zachary still love me?74

204. We didn't say I love you over the phone.75

206. Does he still think about getting a line?76

208. Can he leave this place?77

210. Does he regret it?78

212. How did it feel?79

214...Did he think of me when it was happening?80

I grabbed the door handle and when I twisted it open, a chill ran over my body. It made goose bumps run up my arms and the hair stood on the back of my neck. The fire in my stomach had gotten stronger.81

Zachary was sitting in a chair and a glance at the clock at the top of the wall right in front of me showed that it was about 11: 45. He said around 12 so I could honestly say I didn't care about the time that much. It was the principle of the matter.82

The counselor was an old man who had sags on his face that made it look like he was always sad despite the smile he greeted me with and he was sitting in a dark blue chair, a chair larger than the other ones. Zachary was sitting there in an old and worn bluish green denim jacket, baggy blue jeans and a white T shirt. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought was that his hair grew longer. He was sitting on a red sofa and when he saw me he patted the seat next to him. Oddly enough, despite the fact that the fire raised into my chest, I sat down.83

"Hello there. I'm Doctor Carroll…I hear your name is Katie, right?"84

"Cathy." I looked at Zachary but he looked away from me.85

"Do you know why you were asked to come here today?"86

"To talk to Zachary, right?"87

"Yes, that's one of the reasons why…but we're also trying to find out why Zachary turned to drugs as a fulfillment in life."88

I raised a brow and despite the evidence of my puzzled state, he continued.89

"And in past conversations with Zachary, he told me that he felt as if he had to do drugs to please you in your relationship. He has something he has to say to you, Cathy. I'm just letting you know you're not in trouble here and you may not be the only reason why Zachary turned to drugs, but we're trying to get the problem solved one at a time."90

I was a problem?91

Was he fucking kidding me? The whole fucking story was twisted and my eyes were on the doctor. I wasn't puzzled anymore, I was just staring.92

"Zachary?" The counselor extended an arm towards Zachary as if to get him to speak.93

Zachary cleared his throat once before starting and for some reason, I felt my eyes pinpointed. This was a nightmare escaped into reality.94

"Cathy…the night you introduced me to drugs, my life changed. I got addicted and my grades fell, I couldn't do anything but get high. You took me down the wrong road and you made me get new friends. You made me get high so we could have fun together and you were always stoned whenever I saw you. You were never just Cathy. You were someone else with something else inside of you. I don't want to get stoned anymore, and I do love you. I just don't want to be stoned; I don't want to be high to be happy."95

The counselor nodded his head twice as if to approve of what Zachary was saying, then he turned to me and smiled then nodded his head again as if to tell me to speak. I sat there dumbfounded and after a second he finally said: "do you have anything to say to Zachary now, Cathy?"96

For some reason, the fire stopped, my brain stopped working and I didn't even notice when I turned to Zachary.97

I didn't notice when my right hand balled up so tightly my knuckles turned whiter and I didn't notice how fast the tears were streaming from my eyes.98

I didn't think. In a flash I was standing over Zachary, who had fallen to the floor thanks to the punch I had given him across the face with blood gushing from his nose.99

The counselor grabbed a walkie talkie from his coat pocket and the next thing I knew I was being pulled out thanks to my arms being trapped behind me by two security guards. I was shouting things I couldn't even hear and before they pulled me out, I spit on Zachary and screamed.100

I couldn't hear the security guard telling me to calm down, I couldn't hear Zachary apologizing from afar, and I couldn't hear the noises from the PA.101

I could only see and hear my rage.102

I couldn't feel inside because I was numb.103

But I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks.