Chapter one - part six #1
"There's no place like home - Dorothy~ wizard of Oz"2
I sat on the footpath, cold and lonely, playing with the stones on the ground. I really couldn't wait to see Aunts face, I couldn't wait to see Jaye's face, to see both their faces. Though more than ever, I couldn't wait to see mums face, even if it was filled with hate, to see Dad's face, even if it was twisted with anger, and I couldn't wait for Mum to see me upset and cold, to embrace me in his arms, and for once, finally listen to my stories. I coudn't wait to tell them how I slept it rough outside, in the cold, waiting for them to come, and how they never did, to tell them how much it had hurt me inside.3
I saw a car, a mile up the road, speeding fast. Its yellow streak, and purple exterior, flashing in the sun. They were Aunts favorite colors, painted for her special birthday present, from Jaye this year,4
As I sat their, one question still remained in my head, why had Thin Lizzy assumed that Jaye was my uncle ?. He sure wasn't, did he say that he was, or did she just assume that, when I told her I was going to call my Aunt ?. Either way I didn't mind, Jaye could be my uncle if he wanted to. I just wanted to be with him, or to be with Aunt.I wanted to be with someone, who loved me enough to help me.5
I stood up, as he parked the car, just a few centimeters in front of me. I suddenly felt like crying with happiness as the door opened and Jaye flashed me one of his smiles, the one that fills his whole face up, the one that squished his eyes up tight, the one that always cracks me up, and like now, the one that always made everything feel alright. I stood still, shivering and smiled back, unable to move. Maybe it was from the cold, or maybe it was just time being a worry wart, and yet I couldn't move, I just couldn't move.6
"Well don't just stand their Jack, get in".7
I jolted free, walking over to the car, and slid into the seat, shutting the door behind me. What had stopped me, how come I hadn't been able to move?. "God Jaye, you don't know how glad I am to see you, how glad I am that you are finally here". Jaye laughed, wrapping his warm arm around my shoulder, a sudden rush of warmth ran through my body, it felt so good.8
I turned on the stereo, listening to the station that played all the songs about heartache and love. Jaye turned to me and smiled, "I'm here to listen mate, I'm here to help, I'm always here for you, no matter what".9
*
We were approaching the corner of my street fast, with it's tall tree's and tiny houses. I could feel my head spinning, just like last night, probably form hunger and thirst, and of course the nerves. I was so nervous, and I knew why, and man was I tired, so very tired and stressed out. I didn't know what to expect, was their going to be anger, or happiness, love of hate, upon my arrival ?. I didn't really want to know, I just wanted to feel comfortable again, and right now I never wanted to leave the comfort of Aunts car, it felt so good to finally be with someone, someone who cared enough to take me home.10
I could see my mailbox, as we neared my house, it was packed full of pamphlets, I could see the paper hanging their, drenched from the sprinkler. The lid was open, that was so strange, very unlike Dad, not to get the mornings mail, before the sprinkler turned on. He hated it when the paper got wet, even from the rain. It was almost lunch, was he sick, or was Mum sick?, could they even get out of bed ?, what was wrong?.11
Jaye slowly pulled up into the driveway, stopping the car, I was a little unsure, actually very unsure. I knew Jaye could tell, my muscles had started to tense up, and my gut felt like it had been ripped out. "It will be alright", he said, reassuringly patting my hand, "Their probably tired or sick".12
Sick and tired more like it, though that was no excuse for leaving you only son all by himself, after a long hell of a camp, to make his own home, to leave him in the cold, lonely and dark, alone at school for God sakes.The least they could have done was call Aunt and Jaye, to arrange something, but no they couldn't even do that, selfish.13
My stomach started to do somersaults, and as I stepped out of the car onto the clean concrete drive, a sudden rush of dread washed itself over me. It was worse then the night before, when they never came, call it intuition or call it coincidence, not that I believe in coincidence, it was like mothers love, yet this was child love, all I knew was that right their and then I felt something, as I stepped of the driveway and onto the uncut grass. I knew something was just not right, something was terrible wrong.14
I turned to Jaye, dread in my eyes, "Jaye will you please come inside with me". He looked a little unsure, but smiled reassuringly, and nodded. I thought then, that maybe even he was a little worried, worried of what could be so wrong. We walked up the steps, slowly up the footpath that lead to my door, and past the cemented statue of stones. I feel sick, really sick, did I really want to know why they hadn't picked me up, or did I just want to go home, to be in a nice warm bed, to be with them?. They were dead, I knew it, I could feel it, what other explanation could their be, what else could have truly stopped them?.15
I twisted the door knob, and slowly opened the door, grabbing Jaye's hand, I gripped onto it tightly. 16
I could feel the blood disappear from my face, my heart stopped for a split second as the tears streamed down my face. Letting go of Jaye's hand I stepped into my house. 17
My house was completely empty, It was then I sadly realized why my parents hadn't come to pick me up. My parents had gone, they had left, ran , escaped, they had left me behind to fend for myself. I felt my body cave in, falling to my knees and curled myself into a tight ball. Jaye, who had already started to cry himself, knelt down besides me, wrapping his arms around me, he held me close, he held me tight. "It's okay Jack, we'll fix it , it's gonna be alright". 18
I howled, I hated them, I never wanted to see their faces again, ever again.19
It was from that moment on, that things would never be the same again.20
Author notes
This part was hard to write... trying to get a feel for Jack's emotions..
enjoy xoxox Blair
In a list
Honest OPINIONS
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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OMG!!! I can't believe it, how could his parents just leave him like that? What were they thinking, if they didn't want kids then they should have been fixed. What is Jack going to do now, will his Aunt and Jaye take him in?
This part was great Blair.
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Hmmmm....
nothing proves abandonment as yet...just speculation, anything could have happened to them or delayed them. You have several offering to help with mechanics of writing so I will bypass all of that....I still don't like your main character much, a little wimp, I think, not what I think a boy should be acting like, but then..this is a different era and I think most boys are sissified anyway...smiles....
good luck on this story....
amicus...
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Oh my that car! I can just picture that one driving down the road.
Awww poor Jack I never would have expected the ending to this chapter. How could the parents just up and abandon him like that. Sounds like something my mom would have done if she could have moved her precious animals easier. Poor thing I felt so sorry for him in this chapter. Those parents are just down right assholes.
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-shudder-
How...? I - I...
Mr. and Mrs. Jack's Parents just made the black list.
How could they?? That's not right at all. Any parents who abandon their kids automatically fall into the 'scourge of humanity' category. That's more than unkind. That is...
I cannot describe how evil that is.
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Right I have read this one and the 5 before it and found it really good. Very intriguing and suchlike. But there are soo many grammar and spelling mistakes. Their instead of they're or there and other small but irritating mistakes. Correcting all of them would make a huge improvement. Also the descriptions you are giving are fab, but more of them please, describe everything because you are very good at it.
In general I like it and intend to read on! -
poor jack! i cried at the end of this chapter.
good job.
~Olin
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Did the parents purposely leave the door unlocked for him?
Why was his aunt's boyfriend crying? He really has no reason to be sad. I could understand a vicarious response, but not to that extent.
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This was good, I didn't expect the ending though, thought his parents were dead. But it's far worse they have abandened him. I wonder what will happen now.
Will continue on.....again there are a few suggestions below..
I sat on the footpath, cold and lonely,(. Playing) playing with the stones on the ground. I really couldn't wait to see Aunts( thought it was her uncle picking him up???? was she home too?) face, I couldn't wait to see Jaye's face, to see both their faces.
(new paragraph)More than anything I couldn't wait to see my parents faces, even though I knew my mother would look at me with her face filled with hate. My father's face would be twisted with anger. I just couldn't wait for them to see me upset and cold. Then she would embrace me in her arms and for once she would listen to me.) continue on with I couldn't wait to tell them...)Though more than ever, I couldn't wait to see mums face, even if it was filled with hate, to see Dad's face, even if it was twisted with anger, and I couldn't wait for Mum to see me upset and cold, to embrace me in his arms, and for once, finally listen to my stories. I coudn't wait to tell them how I slept it rough outside, in the cold, waiting for them to come, and how they never did, to tell them how much it had hurt me inside.3
I saw a car,(delete comma) a mile up the road, speeding fast. Its yellow streak, and purple exterior, flashing in the sun. They were (my) Aunts favorite colors, painted for her special birthday present,(delete comma) from Jaye this year,(.)4
As I sat their(there), one question still remained in my head, why had Thin(thin) Lizzy assumed that Jaye was my uncle ?[.] He sure wasn't, did he say that he was, or did she just assume that, when I told her I was going to call my Aunt ?[.] Either way I didn't mind, Jaye could be my uncle if he wanted to. I just wanted to be with him, or to be with Aunt.I wanted to be with someone, who loved me enough to help me.5
I stood up, as he parked the car,(delete comma) just a few centimeters in front of me. I suddenly felt like crying with happiness as the door opened and Jaye flashed me one of his smiles,(. The) the one that fills his whole face up,(. The) the one that squished his eyes up tight (and always made me crack up. Right now it made me feel as if everything was going to be alright.)continue with I stood still--), the one that always cracks me up, and like now, the one that always made everything feel alright. I stood still, shivering and smiled back, unable to move. Maybe it was from the cold, or maybe it was just time being a worry wart, and yet I couldn't move, I just couldn't move.6
"Well don't just stand their(there,) Jack, get in(.)"[.]7
I jolted free, walking over to the car, and slid into the seat,(delete comma) shutting the door behind me. What had stopped me, how come I hadn't been able to move?[.](new line)"God Jaye, you don't know how glad I am to see you,(How) how glad I am that you are finally here(.)"[.]
(new line)Jaye laughed, wrapping his warm arm around my shoulder, a sudden rush of warmth ran through my body, it felt so good.8
I turned on the stereo, listening to the station that played all the songs about heartache and love. Jaye turned to me and smiled,(.)(new line) "I'm here to listen mate, I'm here to help,(.) I'm always here for you, no matter what(.)"[.]9
*
We were approaching the corner of my street fast, with it's tall tree's and tiny houses. I could feel my head spinning, just like last night, probably form hunger and thirst, and of course the nerves. I was so nervous, and I knew why, and man was I tired,(. So) so very tired and stressed out. I didn't know what to expect, was their going to be anger, or happiness, love of hate, upon my arrival ?[.] I didn't really want to know,(.) I just wanted to feel comfortable again, and right now I never wanted to leave the comfort of (my)is she in the car???) Aunts car, it felt so good to finally be with someone, someone who cared enough to take me home.10
I could see my mailbox, as we neared my house,(. It) it was packed full of pamphlets,(and)delete comma) I could see the paper hanging their, drenched from the sprinkler. The lid was open, that was so strange,(. Very) very unlike Dad, not to get the mornings mail,(delete comma) before the sprinkler turned on. He hated it when the paper got wet, even from the rain. It was almost lunch, was he sick, or was Mum sick?[,]Could) could they even get out of bed ?[,]What) what was wrong?.11
Jaye slowly pulled up into the driveway (and cut the engine once we were parked.)[, stopping the car,] I was a little unsure, actually very unsure. I knew Jaye could tell, my muscles had started to tense up,(delete comma) and my gut felt like it had been ripped out."It will be alright(,)"[,] he said, reassuringly patting my hand,(.) "Their(there) probably tired or sick(.)"[.]12
Sick and tired more like it, though that was no excuse for leaving you only son all by himself,(delete comma) after a long hell of a camp,(To) to make his own home, to leave him in the cold, lonely and dark, alone at school for God sakes.The least they could have done was call Aunt (??name)and Jaye, to arrange something, but no they couldn't even do that, (how) selfish.13
My stomach started to do somersaults (delete comma and the word and), and as I stepped out of the car onto the clean concrete drive,(. A) a sudden rush of dread washed itself over me. It was worse then the night before, when they never came,(. Call) call it intuition or call it coincidence, not that I believe in coincidence, it was like mothers love, yet this was child love,(. All) all I knew was that right their(there) and then I felt something,(delete comma) as I stepped of the driveway and onto the uncut grass. I knew something was just not right, something was terrible wrong.14
I turned to Jaye, dread in my eyes, "Jaye will you please come inside with me".(new line)He looked a little unsure, but smiled reassuringly,(delete comma) and nodded. I thought then,(delete comma) that maybe even he was a little worried,(, Worried) worried of what could be so wrong. We walked up the steps, slowly up the footpath that lead to my door, and past the cemented statue of stones. I feel sick, really sick, did I really want to know why they hadn't picked me up, or did I just want to go home, to be in a nice warm bed, to be with them?[.]
(new line)They were dead, I knew it, I could feel it, what other explanation could their(there) be,(. What) what else could have truly stopped them?[.]15
I twisted the door knob, and slowly opened the door, grabbing Jaye's hand, I gripped onto it tightly. 16
I could feel the blood disappear from my face, my heart stopped for a split second as the tears streamed down my face. Letting go of Jaye's hand I stepped into my house. 17
My house was completely empty, It was then I sadly realized why my parents hadn't come to pick me up. My parents had gone,(. They) they had left,(. Ran) ran , escaped,(and)delete comma) they had left me behind to fend for myself. I felt my body cave in, falling to my knees and curled myself into a tight ball. Jaye, who had already started to cry himself,(delete comma) and) knelt down besides me, wrapping his arms around me,(. He) he held me close, he held me tight."It's okay Jack, we'll fix it ,(. It's) it's gonna be alright". 18
I howled, I hated them,(.) I never wanted to see their faces again, (never) ever again.19
It was from that moment on,(delete comma) that things would never be the same again.20
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This seems really interesting that the parents would just up and leave... but well done... this part has been the buildup for the previous chapters in the story...
DarkOne -
Yeah. You spelled some things incorrectly, if that's what you wanted me to tell you. In the seventh paragraph (or at least it says 7 on it) you spelled THERE like THEIR. That's incorrect.
Plus, you're not supposed to be putting question marks and periods in the same sentence, because question marks are periods, really, but look different, that's all.
Also, you should consider using a period and then saying GET IN in paragraph 7, to make it grammatically correct. I hope this was enough for now.
Keep up the great work, though. This story just seems to be getting better, Blair, with a lof of character depth and emotion.
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