Why do you walk away from me?
My beautiful angel
turn your face so I can't see
your tears, your dark, you're lonely 1
Somewhere in the hidden forest
I forgot the sound
of your laughter, and though I looked
you were not around
and when darkness fell, and night enclosed
the light extinguished suddenly
I was left alone once more
Have you abandoned me?2
I forgot your face angel
But I remember the hurt
a sharp comb, pricking my scalp
Still raw, you're not my first3
I've found my scars again angel
the ones you used to kiss
they're peeling open again angel
A pain, and yet a bliss4
Angel, you return, as I breathe my last goodbye
I could not wait like you asked, you did not tell me why.
I'm sorry angel, I did not trust you, I never could have known
that you'd return to me again, with the same love you've always shown5
Don't weep Angel, is this a ring, the reason why you left?
Give it to me Angel, no, don't look so bereft
I'll be with you Angel, this I swear, for all eternity.
Wear your ring too, Angel, and please, please forgive me.6
Author notes
I did the comb. I know it's not based on their, but the comb is at least...still...in there?
A contest entry
- The Poet's Challenge: Round I by Asfand.
100 points, ended November 10, 2007, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The ending was great
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Nicely done --
I like the idea. I like the reflection on the comb too, but I think it's already based upon the comb. You describe the life and verses in a manner of sharpness, of uneven paths and all that. It's exactly like a comb!
As for the criticism, you need way more punctuation. Use it like an actual sentence, use a period when you end a thought. Use commas, whenever you PAUSE and use semi colons, colons whereever needed.
I hate the usage of soooo soooo soooo many Angel throughout the poem. it got monotonous and awkward. It was repeptition, but not the one that strenghtens your poem.
I like the verses in general, they have strong - very strong emotion and the ideas are very well put.
Thanks for the entry, good luck and great job!
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Ooooohhhhh, I really like the first....stanza? Verse? (I can't remember the terminology. The first paragraph of text before the next one. Heh. I'm so smart. (-.-)
Anyway, I like the way you HAD rhymes, but not a rhymthmic rhyme scheme. I like poems like that. It makes the rhyming sort of neat.
In fact, I think that's why I like the first few paragraphs of this poem better than the last bits, because of the shortness of the lines and the different lengths and the rhymes.
...God, how many times I can use the word 'rhyme' in a review?
Um, anyway, this was my favorite line:
"your tears, your dark, you're lonely"
That's all. Good job.
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