Chapter one- part five #1
It was much warmer inside , but the oder still lingered in the air. I tried very had to hold my breath as she led me into a cluttered kitchen. It seemed to be getting stronger, that awful smell, as we neared the kitchen, the closer we got the worse it smelt. I breathed through my nose, but that didn't help. I would just have to put up with it, keep focused on my goal.2
A huge saucepan sat on the stove, it was beginning to bubble over, it's side releasing some brown, chunky substance. It was creating a mess everywhere. I chocked back my vomit, the saliva sliding slowly down my throat. "Don't throw up Jack", I told myself, "Not when your so close now".3
"The phones over their love, by the orange fruit bowl", the skinny women said, smiling. I looked to where she was pointing, to see a chipped orange fruit bowl, containing all, but one Banana. "If you'll excuse me love, I just have to attend to this bubbling pan over here", she pointed to the stove, with her giant wooden spoon. I nodded, politely, smiling happily, I picked the phone up of the hook, wathing as she stirred the pot. "Anything you say lady, as long as I can use you phone", I whispered.4
The clock ticked away, as the phone rang out. I waited and waited for that familiar voice. I had rang my house number at least four times now, and yet their was still no answer, why weren't they answering?. After the fifth time, I decided I would have to call aunt, she was my last option, since my stupid parents weren't answering, and I couldn't wait any longer in this house, the smell was killing me. I just hoped if Aunt wasn't home, that her boyfriend Jaye would be, I couldn't bare to imagine what these people's car , smelt like, and yet that would be my very last and final option if no-one answered.5
Dialing the numbers I sat back in the chair. The thin women had given to me before I tried to call my parents for the third time. I smiled as she continued to stir her smell rotten meal. Why oh why would they not even answer there phone?. Did they go out somewhere ?, were they asleep ?, dead ?, or had they just unplugged the phone?. I really needed to know, I desperately needed to know these things, why could they just not answer the phone, it wouldn't kill them.6
"I'm just going to go watch some television, you'll be alright won't you dear", the woman asked. I nodded, as she walked out of the room, my heart now racing.7
The phone continued to ring out for a bit and then, a beep. The dreaded answering machine, It went of, the tone had beeped and Aunts familiar message went of, followed by another beep. I had no choice, the only thing I could do was to leave a God damn message. "Hi Aunt or Jaye, it's me Jack here and I was wondering, no wait I need you to pick me up and I... a beep, I heard a beep and then a loud bang, yes someone was home. They were home.8
"Hi Jack, how are you mate, well how was your camp mate". I sighed and eased into the chair, my eyes swelling with tears of joy. "I don't know, well rather I don't really care, Mum and Dad obviously don't either".9
"Hang on mate, what are you going on about, I thought your dad was picking you up, or picked you up".10
I wiped my eyes, the tears now streaming down my face "Well Jaye, I am actually in a complete strangers house, because... another loud bang.11
"Hang on mate", Jaye said.12
What no, no man, no. hed'e already gone, I had to wait, I tried not to panic.13
"Okay sorry about that mate. now where are you exactly".14
"I said, I am at someones, well a strangers house, near the the school, sitting in someones smelly kitchen, cause Mum and Dad couldn't be bothered to pick me up from school last night, well yesterday, am I am pissed, tired and hungry, I tried to call them four times, and I just couldn't get through, so I was wondering , if you weren't to busy, could you please come and pick me up and take me home".15
He laughed, for what reason I did not know, it was lucky the women had gone to the lounge room and had'ny heard me bad her house.16
"Yeah sure mate, can you put someone on the phone, to get their address for me".17
I smiled as Thin Lizzy walked into the kitchen, what timing. "He want's to talk to you", I said handing her the phone. She smiled taking th phone, "Hello sir".18
She sure could ramble on, she spoke for what felt like two hours to me, before she actually told Jaye the address, then after forever, she hung up the phone and looked me in the eyes, beaming. "Your uncle said he is coming, he want's you to wait outside, and for you not to go anywhere".19
"Go anywhere, as if I would", I said, sliding of my chair. I grinned, "Thanks a lot", I said wrapping my arms around her, "You have no idea how happy I am". She blushed " Now don't go making me all emotional, I'm just glad I could help you dear. I waled past the lounge room, where to large man sat , still filling his face as he watched the television. "Thanks dude", I shouted, running out the door, shutting it quietly behind me.20
"Fresh air, fresh air, finally, at last, no toxic fumes" I said to myself as I walked down the pathway. I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold my breath for in that kitchen, my stomach already hurt, from swallowing back the vomit. It was almost unbearable, I thought I might die, from lack of oxygen. Though now I was free, I didn't care. I was going home, finaly going home.21
to be continued....22
Author notes
Authors notes * Part # five
Hope you guys are enjoying this... this was by far the hardest and longest part to write.. it took me around an hour and a half to type and 2 hours on paper.. since I was partially tipsy.. but I wont claim my tipsiness as a means for escaping my fate..
If this one sux ass tell me, tell me what I have done wrong- story wise, I am trying to get better at grammar, just point it out... I might not fix it up immediately.. but hay At least I will do it.
How do you all feel about his parents ?
How do you feel about jack as a character ?
How do you feel about the plot and storyline ?
How do you feel about him finally going home ?
Just some things I would love to know... I like to hear honest, deep comments... I don't mind "oh it was good- three claps, or wow.. nice, But I would really like to know how people feel towards my story.. I'm considering using this for publishing. of course once its polished and reworked to the shit house, till I'm certain it's perfecto.. but COME ON GUYS...
we are here to read and comment.. so comment... I really want to know HOW I AM GOING !!!
love always ~~ enjoy Blair xoxo
Thanks for reading by the way ... and make sure to read part one- four for the whole story +__+
Love always Blair xoxo
In a list
Honest OPINIONS
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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WOW. this was great Blair, I think Jack is perfect so far. It's to bad his parents are to stupid to realize what a great kid they really have. What happened to his parents anyways? How long will it take for Jaye to get there to pick him up?
On to the next chapter.
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well...a little action anyway....
...don't much care for your main character, seems a wimpy little guy...indecisive, long suffering, but maybe things are looking up for him and his wet pants and broken glasses...he acts more like a helpless girl than a young boy...dunno...and others are commenting on your typos and such and this is some time ago, so I wont bother...
luck...
amicus...
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Poor Jack, seems he runs into one bad thing after another. That house must have really been disgusting. Glad he was able to get out of it. I think his parents are complete and total assholes for leaving him like they did. Hope Jaye makes it there fast to pick the poor thing up.
~Joann
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The whole thing feels a bit off somehow. The conversation he had on the phone with his uncle, I mean, what was that banging? I get a foreboding feeling from reading this, like something bad is going to happen after his uncle picks him up
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A great read
Hi Blair, he isn't home yet....lol....but he is on his way. At last. I think what went on the house with her cooking has us wodering what the hell it was. For me I would want to know. You state this is the only time we meet those two, so we will never find out what she was making. Maybe have him ask what it is, she might ask if he would like some. How would he get out of tasting some...?
I think the whole chapter read very well. I have left a few suggestions below. I found it easier to copy and paste the whole thing. So please don't feel as if OMG that's loads of work. It's mainly commas, full stops and a few spelling errors. I am by no means an expert but these are my suggestions.
____________________________________________________
It was much warmer inside , but the oder(odor) still lingered in the air. I tried very had(hard) to hold my breath as she led me into a cluttered kitchen. (The awful smell seemed to get stronger the closer I got to the kitchen.)It seemed to be getting stronger, that awful smell, as we neared the kitchen, the closer we got the worse it smelt. I breathed through my nose, but that didn't help. I would just have to put up with it, keep focused on my goal.2
A huge saucepan sat on the stove, (remove comma and add 'and') it was beginning to bubble over,(.Down the sides I saw a brown chunky substance,) it's side releasing some brown, chunky substance. It was creating a mess everywhere. I chocked back my vomit, the saliva sliding slowly down my throat.(new line)"Don't throw up Jack(,)"[,] I told myself,(.) "Not when your so close now(.)"[.] (If this is his thoughts use either italics or 'single quotes'.)
"The phones over their love, by the orange fruit bowl(,)"[,] the skinny women said, smiling.(new line)I looked to where she was pointing, to see a chipped orange fruit bowl, containing all, but one Banana.
(new line)"If you'll excuse me love, I just have to attend to this bubbling pan over here(.)"[,] (She) she pointed to the stove, with her giant wooden spoon.
(new line)I nodded, politely, smiling happily,(.) I picked the phone up of the hook, wathing(watching) as she stirred the pot.
(new line)"Anything you say lady, as long as I can use you(r) phone(,)"[,] I whispered.4
The clock ticked away,(delete comma) as the phone rang out. I waited and waited for that familiar voice. I had rang my house number at least four times now,(delete comma) and yet their(there) was still no answer,(. Why) why weren't they answering?. After the fifth time, I decided I would have to call aunt,(. She) she was my last option, since my stupid parents weren't answering,(. I)delete and) and I couldn't wait any longer in this house,(delete comma, try 'as') the smell was killing me.(new paragraph)I just hoped if (my) Aunt wasn't home, that her boyfriend Jaye would be,(.) I couldn't bare to imagine what these people's car ,(delete comma) smelt like,(. Yet) delete and) and yet that would be my very last and final option if no-one answered.5
Dialing the numbers I sat back in the chair.(delete full stop...and continue with...the thin women had given me before I tried to call my parents.) The thin women had given to me before I tried to call my parents for the third time. I smiled as she continued to stir her smell rotten meal. Why oh why would they not even answer there(their) phone?. Did they go out somewhere ?[,] were(Were) they asleep ?[,] dead(Dead) ?[,] (Or) or had they just unplugged the phone?[.] I really needed to know(.), I desperately needed to know these things, why could they just not answer the phone, it wouldn't kill them.6
"I'm just going to go watch some television, you'll be alright won't you dear(,)"[,] the woman asked.(new line)I nodded,(delete comma) as she walked out of the room, my heart now racing.7
The phone continued to ring out for a bit and then,(delete comma) a beep. The dreaded answering machine,(. The sound of my aunties voice asking me to leave a message after the beep played out, followed by th beep.) It went of, the tone had beeped and Aunts familiar message went of, followed by another beep. I had no choice, the only thing I could do was to leave a God damn message.(new line)"Hi Aunt(what is her name, I would ring an aunty and use her name) or Jaye,(. It's) it's me Jack here and I was wondering, no wait I need you to pick me up and I...(" I then heard) a beep and then a bang.) I heard a beep and then a loud bang,(. Yes) yes someone was home. They were home.8
"Hi Jack, how are you mate, well how was your camp mate(.)"[.](new line)I sighed and eased into the chair, my eyes swelling with tears of joy.
(new line)"I don't know, well rather I don't really care,(.) Mum and Dad obviously don't either(.)".9
"Hang on mate, what are you going on about,(?) I thought your dad was picking you up, or picked you up(.)"[.]10
I wiped my eyes, the tears now streaming down my face(.)(new line)"Well Jaye, I am actually in a complete strangers house, because... (" I hear) another loud bang.11
"Hang on mate(,)"[,] Jaye said.12
What no, no man, no.(italic this one as his thoughts) hed'e(He'd) already gone, I had to wait, I tried not to panic.13
"Okay(,) sorry about that mate. now(Now) where are you exactly(.)"[.]14
"I said,(delete comma) I am at someones, well a strangers house,(. Near) near the the school,(. Sitting) sitting in someones smelly kitchen, cause Mum and Dad couldn't be bothered to pick me up from school last night,(. Well) well yesterday,(delete comma and the word am...replace with and) am I am pissed (off), tired and hungry,(.) I tried to call them four times, and I just couldn't get through,(. So) so I was wondering , if you weren't to busy, could you please come and pick me up and take me home(?)"[.]15
He laughed, for what reason I did not know, it was lucky the women(woman) had gone to the lounge room and had'ny(hadn't) heard me bad (mouth) her house.16
"Yeah sure mate, can you put someone on the phone, to get their address for me(.)"[.]17
I smiled as Thin Lizzy(we have her name now, she has been woman all the time...did you tell us her name earlier....I think you did, maybe use it a few times before this one.) walked into the kitchen, what timing.(new line)"He want's to talk to you(,)"[,] I said(,) handing her the phone.
(new line)She smiled taking th(e) phone, "Hello sir".18
She sure could ramble on, she spoke for what felt like two hours to me, before she actually told Jaye the address, then after forever, she hung up the phone and looked me in the eyes, beaming.(new line)"Your uncle said he is coming, he want's you to wait outside, and for you not to go anywhere (else.)"[.]19
"Go anywhere, as if I would(,)"[,] I said, sliding of my chair. I grinned, "Thanks a lot(,)"[,] I said wrapping my arms around her,(.) "You have no idea how happy I am(.)"[.](new line)She blushed
(new line)" Now don't go making me all emotional,(.) I'm just glad I could help you dear.(")
(new line) I waled(walked) past the lounge room, where to(the) large man sat ,(delete comma) still filling his face as he watched the television.
(new line)"Thanks dude(,)"[,] I shouted, running out the door,(delete comma and add the word 'and') shutting it quietly behind me.20
"Fresh air,(. Finally, fresh air. At last no toxic fumes," I said to myself as I walked down their pathway. fresh air, finally, at last, no toxic fumes" I said to myself as I walked down the pathway.(new line)I wasn't sure how much longer I could (of held) hold my breath for in that kitchen,(. My) my stomach already hurt, from swallowing back the vomit. It was almost unbearable, I thought I might die,(delete comma) from lack of oxygen. Though now I was free, I didn't care. I was going home, finaly(finally) going home.21
Sarah.
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At least Jack found someone who was willing to help him, strange how the parents weren't around... that stinks of foul play.. but bloody well done!
DarkOne
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