Chapter one - part four #1
I took one last look around the fence, and the footpath, for my bag, but it was gone, most definitely long gone. This was it, It was time to face my reality and try to make my way home, even though I knew that when I got home, I'd probably be killed anyway.2
I jumped over the fence, facing the road, I looked left, right and left again, before running across the road, onto a gravel footpath.3
A small house stood in front of me, covered in fines and surrounded by trees, it looked lie you could walk in one day and come out the next week later. That though made me laugh, as I walked up their stony driveway, listening to the sound as my feet crunched against the stones. I had to do this, however scary it was, I had to use someones phone, I had to go home.4
I continued to walk up their driveway, until I reached a pathway that lead to a huge wooden door, infested with moss, it looked like something out of Shrek. I knocked lightly on the door, it was still cold outside and I was freezing to death in my still damp jumper." Damn drink bottle", I whispered to myself, but at least I had some warmth. I closed my eyes and waited, the image of a hot shower, a nice warm bed and hot chocolate, haunted me until I opened my eyes. I couldn't wait to get home.5
I could hear the noise, of a very loud television, through a slightly open window. Maybe they couldn't hear me. I'd have to try again. I knocked, only this time much harder, scratching the skin of my knuckles. I pulled my hand back, revealing my now, moss filled wounds. I hadn't had any of my needles yet. "Ouch", I said rubbing my wound.6
In the distance, I could hear grunts and groaning, then loud footsteps on a squeaky floorboard. "wooden floorboard I'm guessing", I said to myself, stepping away from the door. The door opened and a rather large man stood , smiling in the doorway, with a large plate of food in his hands. I stared at him as he continued to shovel spoonful after spoonful of gluey liquid , into his mouth, All of a sudden I could smell something, this horrible odor drifted from within the house and came wafting out the door, right up my nose.7
I coughed, as I breathed it in, almost throwing up, it was disgusting. I tried holding my breath as he continued to stand in the doorway eating, the smell getting worse as I opened and closed my mouth to take breaths. I realized soon though, that I was going to have to give him a reason what I was here for,however bad the smell may be. so I bit the bullet, Nothing could stop me, I stood back a little further away from him and smiled. 8
"Excuse me sir, I was wondering if maybe I could use you phone". He smiled again, this could be a good sign. "See my parents, they forgot to pick me up from my school camp yesterday and I don't really know my way home from here, cause we just moved her about a week ago, and well, I would really like to go home". I stood still, eyes fixed on the large man. He didn't even seem to be listening though, but just continued to eat spoonful, after spoonful of goop, until he had practically cleaned every last inch of liquid, of his plate. He turned around, smiling, and walked inside, slamming the door in my face.9
A little shocked I stood their, watching the door. I couldn't believe it, how rude, how unbelievable rude, and careless, that's what it was, no how appalling, how disgraceful. The least he could have done, was to give me some common courtesy and say no, or sorry. I turned around, the hope drained from me. "Well theirs plenty more house of the street Jack", I sighed, taking one last look at the house, before walking away.10
"EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME", a high pitched voice screeched. I turned around to see a rather old, looking skinny woman, in a skimpy red dress, standing their, with her arms folded across her chest, he feet tapping on the footpath. "I'm sorry to startle you love, my husband said you needed to use the phone, to call you parents I believe". Her accent was sharp and piercing, it annoyed me immensely, but what choice did I have. I nodded and began to walk towards the mossy, wooden door. "Come tight this way" she said as I followed her into the oder filled house.
Author notes
Authors notes * part # four
Firstly I Hope you are enjoying Trans-Jenna... my first ever novel... omg isn't this fun... and to finish it in 30 days... god my hands a are sore... from paper drafts and then now typing it up.. so all you guys can read it.... but trust me it's not a chore, its a pleasure !! Just I don't think I have ever written this much in one day in my whole life... I'm used to maybe 1000 words Max, now I'm doing 3000 a day.. but they say if you have a dream, you have to work for it, and work hard...
Now to part four....Just to fill you in, the large man and his thin wife are NOT main characters... so don't expect them to come back.. I hate that man.. fat ass prick he is, he even angered me , when Jack told me what he had done . But the characters coming up are the main characters... I think I really feel for Jack. His parents are pricks, I'd probably kill myself before my parents could kill me.. rofl
And come on u really got to feel for the guy and that funky rotten smell
Hope you enjoy and keep watching out for Many more installments ... as they come streaming from My fingertips
Leave honest, critic, comments .. I wanna know what you really think.. don't hold back... just don't go ape shit and tell me everything thats wrong... i.e diss my story, mock it, tease it, say its all horribly pathetic
I happen to find this interesting to write... it's out of my comfort zone, so give me some credit if I am lagging a little, on the adventure, drama side
In a list
Honest OPINIONS
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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what is that funkie smell anyway? probley old man stink lol. This is good Blair, Jack has to do something to get home since his loser parents aren't any where to be seen. Does he get to use the phone? Does he get home.
must read on.
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Didn't realize....
...this was your first ever attempt at a novel length story, glad I rather stumbled upon it. And of course, that is the way one learns, by writing and writing and writing some more.
Again a flash of brilliance in an early line about walking into the cottage, uhm, how did you say that...ah, yes walk in one day and come out a week later...not sure precisely what you wanted with that line, but it worked for me, painted a surrealistic mind picture of the kind of cottage it was...good job there!
Perhaps a little overdone...the part about the fat guy shovelling food into his mouth, grey gobs with a horrendous smell, but you surely made your point about a disgusting person and environment.
and thus off I go skipping to the next chapter...
amicus...
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Ewwww the description of that smell is so good I can almost smell it over here! *Holds nose*
Poor Jack! I knew it could only get worse, now it sounds like he ended up in the house from hell. That description of the house was incredible. That man slamming the door in his face, jeez! Sounds like what some of the jerks that live in my annoying little town would do.
And that woman ohhh I hate voices like that. Oh god they make me want to get ear plugs and hide. *sigh* To bad I have to stop here for now. I'm getting to sleepy to read anymore, the bed is calling out my name lol
Loving this and I will return to finish, of course 
~Joann
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your description was good in this story. I got a good picture of the mossy house and the slop the husband was eating.
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loved it!!!
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Hi Balir, I will continue to read soon, laer today, you have written a interesting story with a few questions, like where his parents are? Why they didn't come to collect him? Where did his bag go? Why would someone take it?
Which is good as the reader wants questions as long as they are answered as you go.
You state these two in the house are not important, they are here for this part only, for the use of the phone, so yes they are important, just for now.
I feel you do ten to use the same wors like infested a lot, I would look into finding words which mean the same, so you don't use the same word over and over (I do this too....lol....)also over use of commas(again I do this, but we all learn as we go...)
I like Jack and wonder how he will continue on with only half his sight.
Thanks for sharing.
covered in fines(fines???) and surrounded
looked lie(like) you could walk in one day and come out (a week later.) the next week later.
infested(again here is the word infested...) with moss, it looked
(new line)" Damn drink bottle", I whispered to myself, but at least I had some warmth.
(new line)"Ouch", I said rubbing my wound
(new line)"(Wooden)wooden floorboard I'm guessing", I said to myself, stepping away from the door.
(new paragraph)The door opened and a rather large man stood ,(delete comma) smiling in the doorway, with a large plate of food in his hands.
mouth,(.) All of a sudden I could smell
(new line)He smiled again, this could be a good sign.
(new line)"See my parents, they forgot to pick me up from my school camp yesterday and I don't really know my way home from here, cause we just moved her(here) about a week ago, and well, I would really like to go home(.)".
(new line) I stood still, eyes fixed on
stood their(there)delete comma), watching the door.
(new line)"Well theirs(there are) plenty more house(s down the street, Jack,") of the street Jack", I sighed, taking one last look at the house, before walking away.
(new line)I turned around to see a rather old, looking skinny woman(.), (She stood there in a skimpy red dress with her arms folded across her chest, and her feet tapping on the footpath.) in a skimpy red dress, standing their, with her arms folded across her chest, he feet tapping on the footpath.
(new line)"I'm sorry to startle you love, my husband said you needed to use the phone, to call you parents I believe(.)"
(new paragraph)Her accent was sharp and piercing, it annoyed me immensely, but what choice did I have. I nodded and began to walk towards the mossy, wooden door.
(new line)"Come tight(right) this way(,)" she said as I followed her into the oder filled house.
Sarah.
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it's getting interesting... I love the plot and where this is going... be nice to find out why his parents never showed... or if that was their intention... excellent work...
DarkOne -
Hmm...you are not lagging that much on the adventure/drama side, but it could get a bit better with some help from experts in the area.
You know who...haha
Keep up the great work. I can hardly wait until you have written the entire thing, so I can read it like it's from the library...haha
Keep up the great work!
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