He was said to have been of the gods. He was the prized sapphire of Bombay—one that even Vishnu could look upon and smile. They called him The Lord of Night—the deliverance that hundreds upon hundreds of years had cried our for. His name was young Rajnish, and besides that, I knew nothing of him. His name was whispered among our kind as though it were so sacred and fragile that its continuous utterance would somehow dishonor him. But he was still just a babe, I for one reasoned, and could not possibly know that ten thousands and more blessed his name among those of the most revered. And perhaps, for once in my life, I was right. 1
I saw him first in the arms of the lady Padma, the proud mother of Rajnish. Her eyes glistened with a sort of hope that seemed to spread all of these lands, all directed towards the young child. His hair was already shining blacker than the moonless night. Wide eyes of innocence took in every movement around him, glowing against his already brown skin. His hands reached out for his mother with a rippling laugh. Cradling his fragile body in the folds of her sari, she softly repeated his name, “Rajnish…” 2
Early in those years, they knew that there was an unusual way in Rajnish. A divinity, many believed. Many others asked if he were man or god. Among her people, Padma noted, “He is the first child I have seen who does not fear the night,” 3
Author notes
Let us see how much grace a month’s time with give me.
HELllllllllllp
The key to fulfill your goals are two things; hardwork and confidence.
ok, so the genre is like----fantasy (because of all the mythological references) and then light and dark. un. I would have added From Caccoons to butterflies (which I like more) but it was too long.
A contest entry
- Prologues And First chapters by Ayesha Raees.
190 points, ended November 20, 2007, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
DOES PEGLEG NEED HELP OR WHAT?
Comments
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The first sentence seems to be missing a word: "been of the gods" (favored by, chosen, blessed by, etc). For the second sentence, I think Vishnu would smile upon everyone, so you're not adding much (but I'm not Hindu, so what do I know). Third sentence, my gut reaction is that years don't cry out, people do. On the other hand, the people are implied, but again you seem to be missing a concept, like oppression or hardship. Fourth sentence, his name isn't "young Rajnish". Also,the narrator says he knows nothing of him, but then begins to describe all sorts of things. You can fix this by adding a time relevance, "I knew nothing of him when ..." Fifth sentence (do you hate me yet) is good, but I'm assuming that "our kind" will be revealed later on. Also, keep in mind the distinction between the writer's audience, which is anyone who picks up the book, and the narrator's audience (are they others of his kind or the implied oppressors of the earlier sentence or some stranger in passing). This distinction helps justify what explanatory information is included or ommitted throughout the story. The two remaining sentences in the first paragraph are started with conjunctions (but & and) which gives it a halting and disjointed flow. Then again, this could be the narrator's personal style, which should be distinct from the writer's. That way, later in the story, a different perspective is given a different style.
In the second paragraph, the first sentence is ok, but the second has a couple of issues. My tendency is to delete the "sort of", but it could be considered consistent with the narrator's style. Later, "young child" is too vague. Add some detail to support the two "already"s in later sentences about his hair and skin, as well as the "fragile body" in the last sentence. Are moonless night's shiny? The stars are real distinct on a moonless night, which is counter to the implied impression. I remember the blackest night I ever saw was one of lightly drizzling rain, which actually was kind of shiny. A rainy reference also gives the impression of sadness or foreboding. You need a little more mystery regarding his destiny. The rest of the paragraph works well. I like the cultural reference to a sari. If there are other cultural references for the child's age or hair/skin, or even the weather, add those too.
The last paragraph is ok. The time reference about the early years is why the "I knew nothing" in the first paragraph also needs a time reference. Overall, you need more setting information about where he is (Bombay), but also when and what pertinent events are driving his surroundings (war, famine, etc.)
I hope my comments are not too harsh. They are meant to be constructive and not just banal platitudes like "keep it up" and "nicely done", though I do agree with both sentiments, and particularly word count. -
This is enticing as someone else pointed out.I love how it is mythological and exotic and how it has to do with a person bonded with the night.I always loved the night and it's creatures,its gods so this is very interesting for me.I would love to read more about what happens in the story and who is actually narrating.The language is very nice and rich but sometimes you seem to engage in long sentences that have the danger of making no sense.Try to re-read what you've written every once in a while.
Btw in line 4 did you mean to write "out" instead of "our".And i will repeat the comment on the need of period instead of comma in the end.
Keep writing!
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Well, reading this it doesn't seem like Pegleg needs help, but that she's got pretty much everything figured out.
You've left me wanting more. You've left me wanting to know who's point of view this is told from, who she is, how she's related to Rajnish, and yeah, that's it.
Don't end stories with a comma
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Peg needs no help...only time.
Very nicely done. You need only expand. Let me place in a kind of inverse comment, in a positive light, what I generally find many pieces around here are replete with. But again, THIS piece is not loaded with: Cliches...misspellings...poor grammar...carelessness...thoughtlessness...hollowness...head pieces filled with straw! This is original, nicely, softly done.
Onward.
GA
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Very nicely written, both enticing and enchanting. I really want to find out where this is leading. Well done. Nice language too. Just needs finishing with a full-stop (period to my American friends) rather than a comma.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 2, ending: 3, characters: 3.
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wow this is really good!
i love it!
totally!
though just reread the first sentence of the first paragraph, it doesnt really make sense.
the rest is cool!
i like it a lot!
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This is good, will there be more added on with this or is that all? The ending was really good, makes the reader actually want more.
Keep it up, I would really enjoy some more of this.
~Ebb
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oh yah--there's more to it. I just posted the beginning of it. Will update soon.
Thank you for your comment! ^.^
pegleg
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