Chapter one - part three #1
It was morning when I woke up, the sun had risen, beyond the fog of the day. 2
I had cried myself to sleep, alone on the dusty footpath, behind the now locked school gate. How could no one have noticed me. My parents hadn't come, or had they, I would never know, because I was stupid enough to fall asleep, instead of asking for help. Had they arrived late and not noticed me in the darkness, had they not seen me behind the wire cut fence, or had they just not even bothered to come, hoping that I would make my own damn way home. Whatever their stupid excuse as for not coming, I no longer cared. All I knew was that I had to get home, before anyone who lived around the school saw me, cause if they did, well I would never be able to live it down. 3
I rubbed my eyes and pushed my dirt, ridden hair back behind my grass filled ears. For a second I could see clearly, and then I went blind, it was all a blur of color. I put both hands on the ground and began to feel around for my glasses. "Ouch" I cried, feeling something sharp dig into the palm of my hand, I picked it up in my hand, feeling around it's curves. It felt like broken glass, sharp but smoove, I ran it across my hand, slowly, just to make sure it was glass. Suddenly I realized, not only was it broken glass, it was my broken glasses lens. "My lens", I whispered to myself. I must have rolled over and broken it , during the night, great Mum was gonna crucify me. 4
Those glasses cost that bitch a fortune in itself. Now a new lens, well that's my birthday and Christmas present gone for the year. How could I have been so careless, how could something so stupid happen to me. I couldn't help but fall asleep, I had been so tired and sore from the camp, and the trip back, and well who could blame me if I dozed of.5
I put my hands back on the ground and tried to feel my way around for the rest of my glasses. I could feel the handle and picked it up, placing what was left of my glasses on my lap, while I reached to put the rest in my pocket. I felt around for a pocket, remembering wasn't wearing my hoodie. "Damn, could this day get any freaking worse", I cried, not caring who was around. "I'll put the glass into my bag", I said to myself, and stood up, putting my glasses on. Well at least I could still see from one eye, I thought to myself, at least I wasn't completely blind .6
I shook the grass of my back and got on all fours, searching for my bag, but I just couldn't find it, how could this happen to me ?, I had it right their. Damn glasses, I told Mum I should have gotten contacts, at least they wouldn't have fell of my face while I was sleeping. I searched the whole pathway, on all fours, but still could not find my bag. "IDIOT", I screamed to know one in particular, but myself, and I couldn't give a hoot who heard me.7
This is all their fault, those good for nothing, lazy ass parents. Dad was going to kill me, I had pretty much, begged him to let me take his new camping bag, it was his favorite style to, he told me it was one of a kind I'de lost it all, along with my favorite shirt and torch, not to mention, half my clothes and my first aid equipment kit. I'd better pray to go I don't get bitten by a venomous snake or anything, or then I will really be dead. 8
How could I have lost it all ?, how could I have been so careless?. Then reality hit me, I hadn't lost it, some stupid prick had probably stolen it. God now I would be in even more trouble, But why the hell would anyone want to steal a camping bag, a bloody camping bad, for Christs sake. They must have known that I was dead to the world, whoever it was.9
I could suddenly start to feel my head spin , and began to panic, my heart heart racing. How could this be happening to me?. I had no bag, no drink, no food, half my glasses and I did'nt even know how to get home.Worse yet, I couldn't wait around for a teacher or parent to come, so I could hitch a ride home, because their was no school on Saturday. Just my luck, of all days, a weekend.10
I had to breath, I had to stop and think, could I really wait for my parents to come, or could I find my own way home. I mean, I was positive I knew my way home, but then again, when I thought of it, I wasn't quiet so sure after all, or maybe I could go to someones house and ask them if I could use their phone. Their was still the factor of stranger danger though. Did I have a choice?, I did'nt exactly know anyone from around here, hell I did'nt even know anyone in this town, out of school. Well besides my Aunt and her boyfriend Jaye. I mean don't get me wrong , I have tried to get to know people, but they already seem to have their own little groups and they did'nt seem to take to kindly to new comers.11
I considered my options,considering I had already been waiting for over twelve hours, and considering I didn't have a good idea of how to fine my way home, I had no choice but to go with option three, the stranger danger zone.12
To be continued....
Author notes
This is the next part of trans -JENNA ....
I'm so loving this Novel experience xoxo
gosh so inspired
Love ya guys xoxox Blair
In a list
Honest OPINIONS
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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man is Jack's day going bad. how can someone really not notice someone laying on the ground and wake them up. and why would they take the camping bag. did his parents come and see that he was sleeping and take the bag.
must read more.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Once upon a time...
...believe it or not...back in the old days of playing marbles, I tossed one up, looked up and the marble shattered the lense on my glasses...I had to wear them that way for weeks as my parent too, could not afford new glasses...
Wonder about the lost or stolen backpack, sure it will be explained, as will the absence of his parents or ride home and yes some parts require a little stretch of the imagination to work, but so what...most stories do....
Novel writing...yes...all experience for you...as my creative writing instructor said, 'grist for the mill', about the daily experiences of life and the ideas that grow from them...everything can be written about...
good job...
amicus...
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Oh my gosh poor Jack!! they left him there all night long?! Oh, they really need something shoved somewhere. And what bad luck he is having. Man, I really feel sorry for him. It seems like nothing is going write and why do I get this feeling things for him are only about to get worse? This is such an amazing story so far and damn you have me hook, line and sinker! lol
~Joann
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Woo for Blair!
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there are a few things that are hard to believe with this so far.
1. Teachers would not go home if there were still students left. Mostly this is liability. If the student got killed after a school function before their parents were able to pick them up, it would be the school's fault and they would get sued. To cover their butts, they would've made sure that everyone was on there way home.
2. I find it hard to believe that she doesn't know her way from school to home. She would've either ridden a bus there every morning or her parents would've driven her. Either way, she would've noticed the general route from home to school.
3. If she were really concerned about getting home, she would've let one of the teachers know she needed to use the phone and then called home.
I'm uncertain as to how believable the rest of the plot is going to be if the foundation is shaky, but I will check out the next few chapters.
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This has come quite a way since the last chapter. There are still typos and grammar to fix but it isn't much of an issue. eg. did'nt should be didn't.
I now see that the character had thought of making his way home but perhaps you should explain why he doesn't do so in the last chapter just so the reader knows.
You have done a good job of describing what is going on inside Jack's head, all his worries and his thought process on how to deal with them.
Good work. -
Even more poorness for Jack! I too know how it feels to break (well in my case lose) your glasses. I was rendered blind for a whole week. lol that's the last time I ever let my desk get that out of hand!
Well agian...POOR JACK!!!! -
Stranger danger zone....
Hi again Blair, this is getting interesting and a pleasure to read, I hope my suggestions help again, as again there are a few misspelled words a few extra commas.
All suggestions are below....thanks for sharing...
my dirt,(delete comma) ridden hair back behind
remembering (I) wasn't wearing my hoodie.
(new line)"Damn, could this day get any freaking worse", I cried, not caring who was around. "I'll put the glass into my bag", I said to myself, and stood up, putting my glasses on.
Well(delete Well...start new line with At) at least I could still see from one eye, I thought to myself, at least I wasn't completely blind
right their(there).
(new line) "IDIOT", I screamed to know one in particular, but myself, and I couldn't give a hoot who heard me.
of a kind I'de(I'd) lost it
pray to go(God??) I don't get
trouble,(.) But why the hell would anyone want to steal a camping bag, a bloody camping bad(bag), for Christs sake.
I could(delete 'could') suddenly start to feel my head spin , and began to panic, my heart heart (delete one 'heart')racing.
to me?.(delete full stop) I had no bag, no
and I did'nt(didn't) even know how
I mean, I was positive I knew my way home, but then again, when I thought of it, I wasn't quiet(quite) so sure after all, or maybe I could go to someones house and ask them if I could use their phone.
Their(There) was still the factor of stranger
?,(delete comma) I did'nt(didn't) exactly know anyone from around here, hell I did'nt even know anyone in this town,(delete comma) out of school.
little groups and they did'nt(didn't)
options,(space here) considering
idea of how to fine(find)
home,(.) I had no choice but to go with option three, the stranger danger zone.Sarah.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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"Whatever their stupid excuse as for not coming, I no longer cared." As=was?
"I had it right their." Again, there?
"it was his favorite style to." Again, too.
"I had to breath," Breathe?
"I didn't have a good idea of how to fine my way home." Find.
sorry, those are just things that hit me. If that gets annoying, just tell me!
Really, though, this is a truly interesting story, and I'm always wondering what's going to happen in this most unfortunate life of Jack. I have to leave now, but I'll pick it back up when I get home from work. ^_^ -
This is turning into an adventure... I like it, it's showing the main character having to make choices that she hasn't done before. Really gripping... excellent.
DarkOne
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this is amazing..... i feel so abd for jack, i know wut its like to be forgotten....
cant wait for more
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