Chapter one - part two #1
As time passed on it began to get dark, not yet pitch black, but the sun was slowly setting behind the clouds, and the street lights had finally been turned on. It was freezing cold and the cold breeze blew on my back, making my already freezing body much colder. Their was no sun to heat me up anymore, just my cold, wet jacket from inside my bag, that I had put on when everybody had left.2
The gates still had not yet been closed, so I presumed that not everyone in the school had gone home. As for the teachers though, well they all left earlier on, none of them even bothered to make sure all the student had gotten home safely. and no one had even bothered to ask me if I was okay.3
As I waited for the approaching darkness, minutes went by, hours to. I looked at my watch, as it just hit midnight and I began to feel overwhelmingly scared. Scared that they had really forgotten me, or that maybe they had, had an accident on the way, or maybe they had been attacked by a robber or worse still, maybe they had been killed.I tried not to worry so much as my gut started to grumble, but all these idea's popped into my head and as I huddled up with my bag, I began to cry, really cry.4
I don't usually cry, only of course when I get really badly injured or break something. Which from experience is about once or twice. Mum said I never cried as a baby, not to be fed, or changed. I just smiled and made weird noises, noises that almost drove my Mum mad. She told me, she would have given anything to hear me cry like a normal baby. She said my constant happiness was depressing for her, that the other mothers where jealous of me, they had little terrors. My mum just smiled and agreed, but when she came home, she cried herself to sleep. She told me, sometimes she would wake me up or drop me, just to hear me cry, but I never did. It's just something Iv'e never understood about my mother. I guess even now I don't cry, I mean, why would I want to, I'd only get called a poof or a faggot anyway, and who wan't to be called that.5
I covered my face with my hands, I could taste the saltness of my tears, as they seeped through the gasps between my fingers and onto my lips. I cried and cried, until it was pitchblack and the street lights went out. I cried until my head ached. Until I could cry no more tears and fell asleep, in the darkness, all alone6
to be continued...
Author notes
This is the second part...
I feel Kinda sorry for jack.. If you hadn't read the first part then you best do so he he.... It is a long story so well I hope you enjoy this short part...
LOve Blair
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1 - 14 of 14
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Oh no, his parents forgot all about him. I would have thought a teacher would have to stay until all of the students were gone but maybe not. Why wouldn't Jack look for a phone or go into the school to use one.
I guess I wouldn't want to move either if my parents forgot about me.
Nice job Blair. can't wait to read the next chapter.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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wow...this was short but very emotional...i feel more than just sadness and am SOOOOO intrested to read more! ....zips off!!!!! Noticed a few spelling errors....but ...nbd
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Another curious flash....
...of insight about the boy as a baby never crying and how that affected the mother and that the boy chose to remember it and that the author added that as another layer of understanding of the character you are building at this point...well done!
I muse about your state of mind as you write and these flairs of brilliance break forth; I also know the amount of time and work that goes into a long continuous story, from beginning to end, the consistency and all that and applaud you for putting in the effort as you build your skills in writing...
a pleasure to read...
amicus...
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My goodness this is really sad. It gets to me because I have a daughter and to think she was forgotten like that would scare the crap out of me. I like the way you described the scene because it seemed so vivid and true to life. I don't know if I have the heart to continue reading about your character. Nice work.
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Awww poor thing. Oh my gosh no one even came to get him. Grrrr those parents really need slapped leaving a kid out there like that. Such emotion in this chapter, his pain is really showing. I can't imagine how horrible that would feel to be left like that.
~Joann
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I feel sorry too!!
Who forgets a kid like that?! I don't even have any, and I NEVER forget them!!!
His parents need a kick.
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DAMN HIS PARENTS!!!
-goes to find his parents- -
I think pitchblack should be pitch black and saltness is saltiness.
Other than that, this is going great! I think you're did a good job of capturing the loneliness and abandonment. However, if the gates of the school are still open and all of the teachers have gone home then who will be there to close the gates -
Ok it looks as though everyone has already picked up an all the things I was going to pick about so I won't bother.
I must say I thought the main character was a girl in the first chapter. I think I'll have to go back to see what gave me that impression.
I don't know why this character wouldn't do anything about being forgotten. Why not walk home or catch a bus, use a pay phone go to the school office?
Still I feel I need to read the next chapter. -
Aw poor Jack! My mom left me at the school when I was really little and I sat there for five hours until finally a girl from the soccer team saw me. Poor Jack again! *huggles Jack to bits and pieces*
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Another enjoyable read, I think it moved along nicely and I believe you were wise to split this up into parts...
Also in your notes jack should be Jack...
A few suggestions below..
Their(There) was no sun to heat
just my cold,(delete comma) wet jacket from inside my bag
The gates still(delete the word 'still') had not yet been closed,(. So) so I presumed that not everyone in the school had gone home.
safely.(delete full stop) and no one had
darkness, minutes went(ticked) by, hours to(o).
watch,(delete comma and the word 'just') as it just hit midnight
the way,(.(delete 'or') Maybe) or maybe they had been attacked by a robber or worse still, maybe they had been killed.
Sarah.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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First thing I noticed was the repeated words in the first paragraph, namely "cold" and "freezing." Maybe you could use a different adjective for it? Such as frigid, icy...something like that?
Also: "As I waited for the approaching darkness, minutes went by, hours to." The to should probably be too?
"that the other mothers where jealous of me..." possibly be were? Sorry if that gets annoying, but I noticed you have a problem with easily confused words. That's okay though. That's why they're called commonly misused. ^^
But onto the good stuff, and enough of my grammar nazi overcoming me. Awww, poor Jack. He makes me sad, really. My parents used to leave me places all the time when I was a teenager, and even to this day sometimes :\, it really sucks and is hell on your self-esteem. I felt I can really connect with him, and that's a really good thing. I'm interested to see where this is going.
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Interesting background on Jack... I like where this is going...keep it up and as always, let your muse flow through you...
DarkOne -
I really like this story cant wait too where this story is going, keep writing and keep up the good work
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