Chapter One1
The buses pulled up slowly outside the school gates, looking out the dust ridden bus window I could see many of the year nine parents anxiously waiting for their precious teenagers to return. Finally home from, in my opinion, four days of Camp Hell. It was the worst time I have had in my life.2
Some students sat back in their sticky seat, sighing in relief at the thought of going home to a warm bed and a nice warm shower, as the thought of home was pure heaven, while other students sighed at the thought of their high reputations falling to pieces as a result of their so-called uncool parents coming to pick them up, bringing their precious babies home.3
I sat up the back of the bus, away from the crowd of over-excited teenagers. I sat alone, just like always, just like I had on the way to the camp. Always up the back, my own allocated space. That's how I spent most of my life anyway, all by myself, though it wasn't bad or anything, it was actually quite peaceful. I looked away from the window, clutching my backpack close to my body, juggling it on my lap. 4
I suddenly felt something cold and wet, and I lifted my bag up to reveal water sinking through my bag, soaking my pants. I looked down to see a large wet patch. I held my bag closer to me, I knew that the bottle had started to leak, but I hadn't expected it to leak onto me, and I suspected, my belongings in my bag. Great Mum, I thought to myself. I had told her my bottle leaked, but no she wouldn't listen, I had to have that one, Great timing.5
I didn't dare stand up, I knew for sure if I did, someone would see me, they would have a field day, yes I could see it right now, Sammy standing their, pointing at me, chanting along while others stared and laughed, "Oh poor Jacky can't wait, look everybody he pissed his pants". I shuddered at the thought, I hated the thought, just like I hated him and his taunts. That was the kind of attention, I neither wanted, nor needed.6
I leaned back, further into my chair, as the doors of the bus opened wide and the chilly wind blew upwards in my direction. It was nice, but fresh, and I held my bag tighter, in an attempt to keep myself warm. 7
Everyone else grabbed there belongings, it was clear that were busting their guts to get of the hot, sweaty infested bus. I could see the kids from the other bus, screaming as the doors opened and they were let free, back into existence. They ran of the steps, holding onto their things, and began to run around like head-less chocks. I laughed at the sight of the giant blur of color, my eyes beginning to water. 8
I took of my glasses, rubbing my eyes. I was the only one in year nine that actually wears glasses, but for some reason I've never been called a nerd or four eyes by anyone, but Sammy. I breathed into my lenses, causing a cloud of haze, and rubbed them clean, repeating this routine until they practically sparkled in the sunlight, that streamed through the window. Just the way Mum liked it, absolutely smudge free and squeaky clean.9
Ms Crow, my teacher, stood at the front of the bus, frazzled and frustrated, with her favorite yellow whistle in her mouth. Besides being my home group teacher, she was also my sports teacher and I sometimes wondered if she ever took that ugly whistle out of her big, fat mouth. I sometimes even wondered if she slept with it in her mouth, scaring her poor little puppy to death as she snored and blew her whistle. Or maybe it had been surgically attached when she qualified to be a sports teacher, or maybe she just wore it to feel in control, like Hitler only without the mustache.10
As she stood with her hands on her hips, and her whistle in her mouth, I just knew she was about to blow it anytime now. The noise grew louder, and I could see some kids gripping there seats with anticipation. The movement of Ms Crows body, was still.11
I placed my fingers softly into my ear and held them in tight. She closed her eyes, breathing in and blew the whistle, until she was all pink in the face and out of breath. Even with my ears blocked I could still hear it as clear as a bell. I suddenly felt sorry for the people who were sitting right in front of her, and the people who were stupid enough not to see it coming. It cut thought the noise, finally shutting everybody up. Which I guess was the main thing. Though it didn't seem to stop the anxious fidgeting of the teenagers on board, as they continued to grip onto their chairs, more tightly as each second passed.12
Ms Crows fingers pointed to each row, doing a head count before walking up the isle, tapping row by row, letting everyone go, until I was the last person left on the bus, besides herself and the bus driver. For once in my life, I was glad to be the last one to get of. 13
I sat still, unnoticed by her, feeling happy that their was no way anyone could notice my wet patch, as everyone had already departed of the bus. Well of course except for Ms Crow and the bus driver, who I wasn't all that worried about. I waited until while she babbled on and on to the bus driver, thanking him for his courtesy, and watched as she shook his hand and departed for the bus herself. I peeled myself of the sweat infested seat and grabbed my belongings, thanking the bus driver myself as I walked down the cold steel steps onto the grass, infested footpath.14
It felt good to be back. Everywhere around me groups of parents stood, embracing their children, with hugs of love and with ears open, ready to hear all their stories from there so called, fun filled camp from hell. My parents luckily enough, where the kind to not really be interested in my life, let alone a boring camp, that I was practically forced to go to. Trust me, as long as their money hasn't been flushed down the toilet or gone to waste, they were more than happy to send me of, but not happy enough to hear my stories. No they would just shove me in the car and we would be of home again, watching the news or some lame ass repeat of my Dad's favorite British cop shows.15
I held my bag tight, covering up the patch, and made my way to a vacant spot, lightly pushing my way through the crowds, all the while keeping my eye out for my parents. I stood alone, waiting until the last of the kids had gone home. I laughed at the thought of my parents forgetting to pick me up. It be so like them to forget me. The thought of being the last one their, itself , seemed hilarious to me, but deep down inside it scared me to death.16
I made my way to a more vacantly, clearer spot of grass, or rather dust, and sat down, lowering my bag, quickly near my crutch. I made myself comfortable and waited for my parents to come and pick me up, to take me home. I could see my warm bed now, so inviting, and a hot shower, oh how I craved a hot shower...17
to be continued...
Author notes
This is my NANOWRIMO STORY ... which I am also posting here .. Im america it is halloween...but in aussie it is november the first.. so fair is fair...
I hope you like my first part and this is a long novel so look out for more installments in the not so distant future...
leave your honest comments...feeback... advice anything
I'LL LOVE YA FOR IT... GOOD LUCK TO ME !!
LOVE BLAIR
In a list
Honest OPINIONS
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
-
Wow Blair. This is great, I like all of the detail you put in about the bus, the kids on the bus and what typical feelings are in the first year of high school.
I can't wait to see what happens next.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!
oohh..this sounds really great! Look forward to reading on and falling in love...***with your story YIPYIP
-
Decided to....
...was looking to continue on Aparition Man, think I stopped at chapter ten, was going to continue but the title of this one hooked me...so here I am, starting another long one of yours.
Surprised that someone else picked out Para 10, as I had made a note on that, your description of the teacher with the whistle showed great imagination, another flash of inspiration that indicates you have a future as a writer if you choose.
Sighs, I am forty pages into a 300 page novel I need to re format and edit for e-publication and needed a break, so here I am...
smiles...
Amicus...
-
I would normally launch into a massive analysis of this but, in all honesty, I have just one word to describe this.
Stunning.
-
I love this so far. Really amazing descriptions and I have already gotten such a feel for the main character. This seems like a really cool character whom I can't wait to get to know. Awww poor thing on the pants. Glad that no one noticed them. Yikes. That would have been bad if they had of. On to read the next part!
~Joann
-
I like the intro so far~
You've got a very realistic character already, and because he's not mono-dimensional, I would very much like to see what happens next~
Off to chap. II!!
-
Keep writing, Blair!
I don't think that this is a very good introduction. See, we still don't know what the story's going about. I think in the first 800-1000 words, we should at least have a clue.
But, I'd like to see what happens when her parents come, IF they come
-
BRAAAAVOOOOOOOOO... *claps*
-
Very good.
p6 'Sammy standing there, p8 'grabbed their' (there is a place and their is possessive), 'off the hot', 'off the steps', p9 'off my glasses', 'sunlight that', 'window, just the', p11 'gripping their', 'Ms. Crow's body was' p12 'It cut through', 'board as they continued to grip onto their chairs more tightly as each', p13 'Ms. Crow's fingers', 'up the aisle', 'For once in my life I was glad' to be the last one off.', p14 'grass covered footpath'(infested used too often), p15 'children with hugs', 'send me off', 'be off home', p16 'through the crowd', 'last one their', p17 'more vacant, clearer', 'near my crotch', 'shower. Oh, how I craved a hot shower....'. You may be able to eliminate some more commas. I hope you do well in this contest.
Your writing is much improved and as for novel writing, superior to mine. It might be interesting if you incorporated more dialogue.
Andy
-
There is a serious lack of proper punctuation in this story, as well as several spelling and grammatical errors. The flow os choppy at best. An example: "Ms Crows fingers" should be "Ms. Crow's fingers" - there's a period after any abbreviation and an apostrophre in every possive pronoun.
That aside, the story itself seems slow and I've yet to quite understand what it's about. I understand this is just the first part, but still, after over 1,000 words I should be able to tell what kind of story this is.
Keep working on it. -
Excellent.
You do such a great job of depicting people. Replicating their thoughts, feelings, and putting it all in words.
I'm truly curious as to what happens next, now. So I think I'll read one or two chapters a day.
I did find a few grammar mistakes, if you want me to post them, I will. They weren't major, but I'm on of those people who notices every little thing.
Amazing, Blair.
-Ash-
-
aw, you've really captured how awkward being in school and the outcast can be! I shudder as I remember some pretty mortifying moments of my own. Great job at capturing the emotions well, and I really loved the image of the lady snoring into the whistle and bugging her dog!
-
Aww I did the same thing but with soda. I fell asleep with a can of soda in my hands and it spilt all over my lap and when I woke up I thought I pissed myself...but Rusty was nice enough to loan me his jacket so I could cover my wet pants...
I would have never lived that down...although I have had worse things happen to me. -
I remember taking school trips that made me feel that way. There are some good descriptions in this piece that give us a view in to this characters thoughts and personality.
-
Oooh
Good, it was an enjoyable read. I have read most of the others, i just didn't leave any comments
Heh, since everyone else found it nessesary to point out your errors, i'll keep my part out of that.
Hope to read more. Till teh next chapter...
...Give might to the mass
-
Great read...
Hi Blair,
I enjoyed reading this, I did find you over used commas, a few spelling mistakes, all fixable. I am no expert at all, but I have left a few suggestions below. I hope they help, like I said they are only suggestions......
Great Mum, I(for me I would use italics for her thoughts.)
, Great(great)timing.
I didn't dare stand up(.), I knew for sure if I did,(delete comma here) someone would see me,(delete comma and replace with the word 'and') they would have a field day,(.Yes) yes I could see it right now, Sammy standing their(there),(delete comma here) pointing at me, chanting along while others stared and laughed,thought,(.) I hated the thought, just like I hated him and his taunts.
I leaned back,(delete comma) further into my chair,(delete comma) as the doors of the bus opened wide(,) and the chilly wind blew upwards in my direction.tighter,(delete comma) in an attempt to keep myself warm.
grabbed there(their) belongings, it was
clear that(they) were busting
They ran of(down) the steps, holding onto their things,(delete comma) and began to run around like head-less chocks.(are chocks, chickens???)
I took of my glasses,(delete comma)and began) rubbing my eyes.
I was(am) the only one in year nine
breathed into(onto) my lenses
haze,(delete comma) and rubbed them clean
sunlight,(delete comma) that(which) streamed
It cut thought(through) the noise, finally shutting everybody up.
Which I guess was the main thing.(Which I guess had been the reason she blew the damn whistle.)
the last one to get of(f).
that their(there) was
infested footpath(you need another word than infested, as you this a lot.)
No(,) they would just shove me in the car and we would be of(f) home again,(. Then we would soon be) watching the news or some lame ass repeat of my Dad's favorite British cop shows.
The thought of being the last one their(there), itself ,(delete comma) seemed hilarious to me, but deep down inside it scared me to death.
I made my way to a more vacantly,(delete comma) clearer spot of grass, or rather dust, and sat down, lowering my bag,(delete comma) quickly near my crutch.
Sarah.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
-
'graph 5:
I held my bag closer to me , I knew that the bottle had started to leak, but I hadn't expected it to leak onto me, and I suspected, my belongings in my bag. --->Otherwise this is a run-on sentence.
I didn't dare stand up, I knew for sure if I did, someone would see me, they would have a field day, yes I could see it right now, Sammy standing their, pointing at me, chanting along while others stared and laughed, "Oh poor Jacky can't wait, look everybody he pissed his pants". --->This is also a run-on sentence. Try breaking them up to make them more effective.
You have several instances of run-on sentences in this piece.
You also use the word "of" when you should use the word "off"
Now for the content:
I really like this character a lot. I love the attitude exuding from him. Very cool so far. I think with some careful editing you'll really have something. I do plan to continue reading. Nicely done! -
Okay, this is a very interesting story, and I'm instantly intrigued. I like the way this is going, really. There are one or two things that could be improved, however, and I'm just saying this to help you out.
It seems that you tend to get at least two of the three there's confused. Sometimes you put "their" instead of "there," such as right here--
"Sammy standing their..." which should be there.
..As well as:
"Everyone else grabbed there belongings..."
"I could see some kids gripping there seats with anticipation."
"ready to hear all their stories from there so called, fun filled camp from hell." all of which should be "their."
Also, there are a couple run on sentences in there, but those can be easily fixed with a couple once-overs. Also, there are a few over-used words, but that can also be redone with a little editing and proofreading. :3
Overall, this has real potential.
-
I like the opening, its very strong. Every story needs a strong foundation, and thus you have it. In Paragraph ten...I laughed but what would've made me laugh more was if you said Ms. Crow had the mustache as well lol. nice paragraph though.
I'm also critiquing cause I want the best for you and your work here. So I'll pick out a few I spotted.
Para 12 Ln. 5-6. "It cut thought the noise, finally shutting everyone up." think you meant. "Through" rather than "thought".
be carful with the usage of the same word consistantly. Ex. "infested." Para.14
Also, some places needed periods so, be careful with run-on sentences.
All and all hun? Great foundation and a brilliant look into the mind of our narrator. So far so good. You have captured the readers attention.
Ana
-
You tell the story of a person not liked but then again not caring what people thought... excellent write, the uncaring attitude, yet hopeful demeanor is something that all of us can relate to...
DarkOne -
I think that this was a good start to your novel, Blair. I'm sure that both of our stories will be fucking amazing. I can't wait until I can read the whole thing. I might even print it out for the occasion...haha
The grammar wasn't that bad in this, either, Blair. I think that the story had nice flow and the character is being built up pretty well, too.
Keep up the great work, Blair! I look forward to more of this story and more of your othe stories, as well, in the future. -
i like the start off this cant wait to read he rest
Adding your comment:
1 - 22 of 22
