Episode 2 – Shame about the Name1
PREVIOUSLY – We met Michelle a twenty one year old girl who lives out her life by how she planned it out in a book. She went for interview which in the book she gets but she ends being escorted out of the interview room by security. Her friend Nick said that they both know how far she will go to go by the book and she agreed with this.2
The next chapter in the novel is about Michelle’s new relationship with a guy named Greg. Michelle decides to go in search of this guy; she does this by going with Nick to a club.3
The V.O are lines from the novel she wrote read by Michelle. These are not just Michelle commentating.4
(We start in Michelle’s apartment, we see Nick stood in the kitchen, he looks as if he is waiting for something. He is wearing a black jacket, white shirt and light blue jeans. Then Michelle appears in a purple dress, he stares at her.)5
Michelle: Don’t bother, I know I look great.6
Nick: No actually I was just thinking if in the book you were wearing that.7
Michelle: Why does everything have to relate to the book with you?8
(He laughs.)9
Nick: Michelle your whole life revolves around the bloody thing, so does tonight actually.10
Michelle (V.O): I hadn’t been on a real night out in months, so now I had excuse to go. Nick has had a girlfriend for 6 months now, I have to find my own partner tonight or I’ll be embarrassed for the rest of my life.11
Michelle: Come on let’s go we’ve gotta catch a Greg in the club.12
(She grabs his arm and pulls him towards the door.)13
Nick: Why does he have to be called Greg? I doubt the name matters.14
Michelle: Everything matters.15
(They walk out of the door. We now cut to Nick and Michelle walking into a night club. Good Vibrations by Gym Class Heroes plays loudly in the background. We see people dancing; there is talking, laughter and screaming in the background, different coloured lights flash on and off. Michelle and Nick look overwhelmed, they walk up to the bar.)16
Michelle (Loudly): Do you want a drink?17
Nick: No.18
Michelle: When is Dawn getting here?19
Nick: Oh … she’s not.20
Michelle (Shocked): What? You’re going to a night club without her?21
Nick. Yeah I just thought you know we’d have a friend’s night out.22
Michelle: That’s cool, it’s just I would like to meet her, she sounds great.23
(She smiles at him; he for some reason seems uncomfortable.)24
Michelle (To barman): Vodka and tonic please.25
(He nods and goes to get it.)26
Nick: I reckon not one of these guys is called Greg.27
Michelle: I bet I’ll find one.28
Nick: What is he even like in the book?29
(She grabs the vodka she was just given and takes a sip.)30
Michelle: Never mind, see you in a bit.31
(She runs into the crowd of people who are dancing and joins in. Nick smiles at the barman. We now cut to Michelle dancing.)32
Michelle (Flirting): What’s your name?33
Male: Dan, you?34
(They continue to dance, Michelle huffs and moves way from him. He looks surprised.)35
Michelle: Hey you’re a good dancer, what’s your name?36
(A woman appears.)37
Woman: His names Mike.38
(She stares at her angrily, Michelle steps back.)39
Michelle: Mikes all yours.40
(We cut to about half an hour later. She walks over to a bored Nick; she rolls her eyes at him.)41
Michelle (Frustrated): I got a Mike, a Dan, a Scott, a Bob and a Tim but of course no sodding Greg.42
Nick: Told you.43
Michelle: Ah I need to do this.44
Nick: I’ll say it again, why do you care about the name?45
(She ignores his question as she is starring at a man who is starring at her on the dance floor.)46
Michelle: He is starring, right?47
Nick: Yeah he is.48
Michelle: He’s good looking and he must think I’m good looking.49
(This man starts to walk towards them.)50
Michelle (panicking): He’s coming over here … damn it.51
(She throws her bag at Nick, he looks shocked.)52
Man: Hey are you two together?53
Michelle (quickly): No, no not at all.54
(Nick rolls his eyes.)55
Man: So are you single?56
Michelle: Yes but I have one question.57
Man: Yes anything.58
Michelle: What’s your name?59
Man: Oh Ron.60
(Michelle’s face drops, Nick sniggers.)61
Nick: Shame about the name.62
Man (Confused): Sorry what?63
Michelle: Oh I lied, I’m in a relationship.64
Man: well maybe a dance before …65
Michelle (Annoyed): Please go before he sees you (He doesn’t move) run!66
(The man runs back onto the dance floor, he seems a bit freaked out.)67
Nick: Tough luck.68
(He laughs; she screams and puts her head on his shoulder. She sees a microphone on a small stage at the side of the club; a band seems to be setting up there.)69
Michelle: Okay don’t judge me, I’m desperate.70
(Nick looks over at the stage and stares back at Michelle.)71
Nick: No you are not; you’ll make a fool out of yourself.72
Michelle: It will be worth it.73
(She gives him a big grin and rushes over to the stage. Nick rolls his eyes again.)74
Nick: Doubtful.75
(We now cut to Michelle talking to the band; a man walks up behind her.)76
Man: is there a problem? I’m the manager of this club.77
Band member: yeah, this woman wants to use the microphone, I said no but she’s still here.78
Michelle: Excuse me don’t talk bout me like that when …79
Manager (Interrupting): Sorry Ms, you can’t use the mike.80
(The band member smiles horribly at her. The manager is walking off.)81
Michelle: Wait!82
(He turns around, he is frustrated.)83
Manager: Yes Ms?84
Michelle: it’s an … emergency.85
Manger: Oh, you should have said, what’s wrong?86
Michelle (Blurts out): My son.87
Manager: Your son?88
Michelle: Yeah … I lost him.89
Manager (Shocked): You brought your son into a night club; wait no how did he get in?90
Michelle (Angrily): Oh for god’s sake, I didn’t bring him in, he ran off and I saw him run in here. Can I please call for him?91
Manager: Yes, yes of course.92
(She walks up to the microphone. We see Nick, he is laughing.)93
Michelle (Into microphone): Hi.94
(This word shoots loudly into the club but no one hears because of the loud music. We then see the manger telling the DJ to stop.)95
Michelle: Hello.96
(Everyone stops dancing or doing what they were doing and stares at Michelle.)97
Michelle: Hi, is there a Greg anywhere?98
(Everyone starts talking, she looks around. The manager mouths “Say your son.” at Michelle. She smiles.)99
Michelle: Anyone.100
(A man comes towards the stage.)101
Greg: I’m Greg!102
(Michelle smiles and walks away from the microphone.)103
Manager (Confused): Is that your son?104
Michelle (Hesitates): … yes.105
(The manger and the band member look at each and roll there eyes. Michelle walks of the stage in embarrassment. She walks up to this Greg.)106
Greg: Who are you?107
Michelle: I’m Michelle; you don’t know me I was just wondering if you would … get a drink with me?108
(He smiles.)109
Greg: Sure I guess.110
(She smiles, the scene ends. We now cut to Michelle and Greg talking at the bar. Nick is sat next to them but Greg doesn’t know there friends.)111
Michelle: A mechanic, that’s … handy.112
(He laughs.)113
Greg: Yeah it is.114
(While they are talking she is typing a message on her phone.)115
Greg: What do you do?116
Michelle: Oh I just got a new job working for a newspaper. I start next week.117
(She finishes typing the message and sends it to Nick. We see nick receive the message, he looks shocked that it is from Michelle. It reads “Going to the toilet now, when I go get some real info of if him, k.” He looks over at her and shrugs his shoulders. She glares at him.)118
Michelle: I’m just going to the bathroom, back in second.119
(She smiles and runs off to the bathroom, she leaves behind her bag. Nick looks at Greg and is about to talk to him but Greg suddenly starts rummaging through Michelle’s bag. He takes out some money. He stares at him in shock.)120
Nick: Hey what the hell …121
(Greg stops and stares at a shocked Nick.)122
Greg: Fuck off, it’s my dates.123
Nick (Angrily): No actually it’s my friends, now piss off.124
(Greg gets up and runs off, taking the money with him. A minute later Michelle comes back and looks around in confusion.)125
Michelle: Where’d he go?126
Nick: I told him to get lost, he …127
Michelle (Annoyed): What, why?128
Nick: he tried to steal from your purse.129
Michelle: Yeah … sure.130
Nick (Angry): He did, would you have preferred me to hand the bag to him?131
Michelle: no, it’s ruined now.132
(Nick gets up of his chair in anger.)133
Nick: Oh this is about the book … again!!134
Michelle: Yeah …135
Nick: That’s not selfish at all.136
(He storms off towards the exit the club. Michelle looks back at him sadness. We now cut to the next scene, we see Nick walking outside, Michelle runs up behind him.)137
Michelle (Shouting): Nick, Nick I’m sorry.138
Nick (Turns around): I’m sick of your selfishness; get over the book would you.139
Michelle: I thought you understood?140
Nick: I don’t give two hoots about the fucking book Michelle … just leave.141
Michelle (V.O): So know me and Nick both had partner but for how long?142
(Nick turns to walk away but bumps into a person, he trips over there foot and falls to the hard ground below, he hits his head on the curb. Michelle at first stands in shock but then ruses to his aid. Many people gather around to see what has happened. We see Michelle upset, she calls an ambulance. We see Nick unconscious on the path. The episode ends.)143
Author notes
So this is episode two. Tried to take in some of the advice you all gave, hope you enjoy!
Next Episode: http://storywrite.com/story/122041
Please comment and be truthful!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I'm not sure if it is just me, but this seems a bit short....although it is good.
Aden Recreated -
Better than the pilot
Maybe I'm in a good mood, or maybe my last comment was a little harsh, but I like this much to my surprise. O.K. the usual comments about grammar and spelling still apply, and yes, I still believe its too short for a proper T.V. show. However there is something about this episode that I really like. I can't place a finger on what it is, but it has this kind of aura that I really like. Maybe it's the characters. I can connect with Michelle, possibly because she reminds me of me... The characters are delicately built up in this episode, unlike in the previous episode. It's missing a few key ingredients, like a longer storyline, butI've changed my mind about this series. It's actually quite good...but I always thought the idea was good
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I'm starting to like this story more and more, great job!
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This is my 100th comment, and I just thought you're the one who deserved it.
Definately one of storywrites more talented.
I thought I should share this moment with you *this is the part where the touching piano music plays, you can pick it, since you're a screen writer, you're probably better at that than I am*
Anyway, You already know how much I am loving this series, so I don't need to say it again, even though thats kind of a subtle sly thing people do, actually saying it again, just to get the point across, but you alredy knew that, I'm sure.
Any whoo, I really just wanted to have 100 comments, and I didn't wan't to give it to just anyone, I figured you deserved it, so here it is.
keep up the good work,
bye. -
"Michelle (Annoyed): Please go before he sees you (He doesn’t move) run!" I have to say, It's stuff like this that makes michelle a really memorable charcter. She has all of the makings of a great main character, all things I look for and more, which is why I'm actually dreading watching TV. No one will hold a candle to her.
"Michelle (V.O): So know me and Nick both had partner but for how long?" Know should be now. Also you are using two different tenses, so HAD should be HAVE.
"but then ruses to his aid." ruses sould be rushes.
You used the V.O.'s this chapter! (makes me feel special)
This was, over all, a really great second episode.
I am a little confused though. At the end when Michelle says:
Now me and Nick both had partners, but for how long?
Is that her reading from what she wrote would happen in the book? Or is she still considering theifing Greg at a partner?
I'm betting on the first, but it's still a little confusing.
Keep on writing, I can't wait to read the next
Bye
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Still Loving Her Name!!
Hello, again! Another great episode, I see! I hope you're not groaning and going 'oh, great, not the grammar girl again!' (I would too) but I really do want this to get aired. Anyway. Since I am typing this as I read, the last paragraph will be my *real* comment. On to the grammar.
Love how you changed the format of Michelle's voice overs. Looks a lot more professional. On to the grammar. P2 shold be 'she went for an/the interview...' and then later 'she in real life ends up being escorted...' P11 should be 'an exuse to go...' P12 should hav e some sentence breaks. "Come on, let's go. We've...' P32 should change to something like 'dancing with a male...' to introduce Dan. Otherwise it seems like she's dancing by herself. P35 should be changed to something like 'the crowd and Dan continue...' otherwise it sounds like Michelle and Dan are still dancing together. When the manager is calling her 'Ms' it should be 'Miss' because 'Ms' usually implies a divorced woman (and they're pronounced differently, too) P108 should have more sentence breaks. 'You don't know me. I was just...' P111 should be 'Nick is seated next...' and then later in 111, 'there' should be changed to 'they're/they are' P118 the 'n' in Nick needs to be capitalized. Also in P118, it would be a lot clearer (and more realistic for a text message) to read 'Going 2 toilet. When I go u get real info on him, k?' P120 'Nick stares at him in shock.' P129 capitalize the 'h' in 'He.' P132 capitalize the 'n' in 'No' And also, it would be easier and clearer if you add 'Michelle (ignoring him; in shock; talking about the date from the book) No, it's ruined now. P142...is very confusing. Were you meaning 'So now both Nick and I had partners, but for how long?' or 'So you know that Nick and I had partners, but for how long?' P143 'then rushes to his aid'
And that's it. Apart from some needed commas, it's fine. My best advice: read it out loud. Read it through, use the tones you want and hear them use. Write them down. When you pause as you're speaking, add a comma or a period. It also helps for seeing mistakes in grammar. Add words and detail. If the sentence reads funny, change it. Trust me, it really helps.
WOW. What a cliffie! Can't wait for the next episode! Anyway. As I keep saying, I would LOVE to see this get put on the air (however, I am American--I can tell by your style of writing you are from teh U.K...correct? Correct me if I'm wrong. I've studied the British writing style and wrote a Dr Who fanfic-novel in the style over the summer...I've been using more u's in my words like colour and favourite! Gah! My English teachers are going nuts! But to my first point, if it does get on TV you either have to give me a good link or make it availible on YouTube or something since it might not carry over to the US till like 20 years cause the networks are like that)...
Anyway. Really great job. And might I say in the format and grammatical sense you have done a LOT of improvement. I was literally raising my eyebrows and grinning. Lol. I love it.
Poor Nick...what's going to happen to him?
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Wow, love the cool ending. I didn't quite get a few parts, but after reading them over they were much clearer. Keep writing!
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p2 'she gets the job, but in reality she ends up', p5 'Nick standing', p111 'Nick is seated', p142 'So now Nick and I both', p143 'their foot', 'rushes to his aid'.
What does (V.O) mean?
This is interesting, but does anything work the way her book goes?
Andy
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OOOooooh
Suspense!
I like it!
And is Nick lying about the girl. Afraid about it. Is he Gay? lol
Anyway it's good.
Some spelling errors but grammar is excellent!
Make more!
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oh wow...part of me thinks she'll wind up with Nick. I kinda hope she does. His character is kick ass!
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