The sun was just beginning to peek its bright face between the snowy tops of the twin mountains, as I paced in front of the airport windows. The glare made me squint while watching the skies for his plane.1
My nerves were in disarray. I hadn't bitten my fingernails since I was in high school, but I caught myself three times with my fingers in my mouth. I just had them done yesterday; for now their bronze polish was un-chipped. 2
Twice now I had a chance to see my reflection in the dirty window and found myself twisting my shoulder length copper curls around my stubby fingers. I marveled at the fact that I got my hair to curl this early in the morning. My usual hair was straight and stubborn , just like my personality. The blond highlights stood out against the harshness of the airport lights.3
I took a breath and turned away from the glass, knowing it would do no good to stare. The plane would get here when it got here.4
I looked at the airport's huge clock instead. Twenty more minutes until his flight was scheduled to land. I looked at the board next to it. The black letters said 'ON TIME'.5
Slowly I released the breath I didn't know I was holding and walked purposely towards the ladies restroom.6
Once inside I studied my reflection in the newly cleaned mirror. The room smelled of lemons and bleach. It tickled my freckled nose enough to make me run my finger under it, hoping the itch would leave.7
I pushed my fingers through my curls, scrunching as I went. I wanted my appearance to be as perfect as it could be. It was only once that you meet someone for the first time. There were no second chances when it came to first meetings.8
I noticed that my bronze eyeshadow was smudged above my stormy gray eyes. The bronze I noted brought out a hint of green. I was pleased at that. To me my eyes had always been plain and boring.9
I fixed the eyeshadow from the kit I kept in my purse, all the while biting my lower lip. I ran my fingers over the rest of my face, turning right then left, looking for flaws. I wasn't a vain woman just a very nervous one.10
Sean and I had meet on-line. I had just finalized my divorce three weeks before I found a singles website. For over a year we had talked, emailed and sent letters, waiting for me to feel comfortable. Finally I had asked him here. I was a wreck.11
My marriage had ended badly. Thankfully without children, but I was still raw from that experience. It had taken time for me to adjust to doing things for myself. I still look over my shoulder waiting for Brett to come and take something from me. Managing money was a learning experience for me. I had married Brett right out of high school and before that my parents had controlled everything. I married him thinking I was getting a way from control freaks. Instead I jumped into a relationship with a worse one.12
I shook my head to clear those thoughts away. That was the past, today and what was happening now was what I needed to focus on.13
Taking a deep breath I smoothed the front of my cream colored baby-doll shirt and checked my mocha colored Capri. I walked out to face the future with a man I'd never met face to face.14
That thought made me stagger a bit. What if Sean turned out to be like Brett? What if he were worse? Although I wasn't sure how he could be worse. Brett would only give me my shoes when I needed to get groceries or run errands then he would lock them back in the safe until the next time. I guess if Sean was a hitter that it would be worse.15
I almost turned and left the airport. I looked at all the escape routes. I could leave by the north exit, be in my car in five minutes and be home safe and sound in forty-five minutes. I would have done that six months ago. I would have hid from the world but now I was stronger. At least I was hoping I was.16
So I stood my ground with every nerve tingling. Once or twice I found myself rocking onto the balls of my feet. If I was thing nervous now I could just imagine what a mess I'd be when he got here in a few minutes.17
"Flight 473 out of...' Static. "is now landing at gate 3."18
"Gotta love small airports," I said under my breath.19
The airport didn't have covered departure tunnels so the passengers had to brave the elements. I walked over to the window to watch the people step out. I would see Sean before he saw me.20
I found my fingernails in my mouth as I watched a tall blond figure emerge. He ducked out and when he looked up my heart sped up. He was finally here.21
I giggled and smiled stupidly. His walk was confident, like a man who knew what he wanted. He had on a simple pair of jeans and a black t-shirt and he knew how to fill them out. 22
At last Sean walked through the doors glancing around until his chocolate eyes found me.23
I couldn't wait any longer. I ran to him and threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his chest.24
I sobbed as I took in his smell of peppermint and musk and the feel of his arms as they slid around my waist.25
"Well, hello there. I sure hope you're Kylia." He laughed in my ear. It tickled so I laughed and lifted my head.26
Silent tears ran down my cheeks as I swatted his shoulder. "We sent pictures, nut."27
I could see his smile through the veil of tears. "Yes, but I had to be sure." He held me out at arms length and took a good look. I could feel my cheeks burn. "Yep, you're Kylia and you look amazing."28
I reached up to touch his cheek, but he grabbed it and brought my hand to his lips. He kissed my palm softly sending shivers down my arm.29
I stepped into his arms again and did something I had never done in my life. I kissed him. It was a sweet kiss, full of promise. 30
And that was the beginning of my new future. A future I hoped would be brighter and happier then my past.
Author notes
Ugh!! Ok I haven't written anything in months and this is what came out last night. I don't write this kind of thing but I was inspired by a friend.
Alright give me what you can, but be kind. This one is a little iffy for me.
Edited on 11/01
In a list
A contest entry
- Anything and Everything - CRITIQUE Contest by amanda vampiress.
175 points, ended October 30, 44 entries
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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This was very sweet.
I greatly enjoyed it. I could really connected with her anxiety for waiting on him..but that could be because I've been there. lol. (not with a guy though. bestie penpal 
) haha. I really liked this story. Like I said it was easy to relate. Also the imagery was very good. I could picture everything including their looks very realisticly. So wonderful job with that. This was a very cute little tale.
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Wow. The very first sentence is meaty. Lots to chew on, but the comma isn't necessary. I kind of interrupts the flow.
"I just had them done yesterday; for now their bronze polish was un-chipped." <-- this is confusing. I think it changes direction too quickly. Try something like: "I had just had them done yesterday, too. Still, for now their bronze polish remained un-chipped." It's a little flowery, but it keeps the reader focused without them saying, "Wait, what?"
"ladies restroom" should be possessive. "ladies' restroom"
I like how you throw random description in with the character's actions, letting the reader know just a little bit more about the character than they did before her nose was tickled.
Just when you point out someone's comma happy, they go and change the rules on you by leaving commas out... so not fair. lol. "To me , my eyes had always been plain and boring." Then again, the comma isn't 100% necessary, it just makes the flow a little better. Better's not the right word... different. It makes the sentence, and even the end of the paragraph, flow in a different way.
"... a way..." <-- no space between the two words. (p 12)
"That was the past, today and what was happening now was what I needed to focus on." That was the past is a complete sentence. So is the second half of it. I feel this would be stronger if you replaced the comma with a period.
HAHA! I like Seans' reaction. "I sure hope you're Kylia." LMAO!
OOhh... It's so sweet! I like it. I like it a lot.
Good goin' Brooke
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I thought this sounded familiar but didn't realize I'd actually read it before till about halfway through. *laughs*
I still found it amusing watching her fidget about while waiting on the plane.
Small stuff:
p11. Sean and I had meet(met) on-line.
p12. I married him thinking I was getting a way(away) from control freaks.
p17. If I was thing(this) nervous now ...
Fun story.
Greg -
Sean and I had meet on-line (I'm certain you meant 'met'.)
This was beautifully written and very emotional.
I don't normally go for that sorta stuff, but this drew me in.
Well done!
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What a sweet story. You really captured the nervouseness in your character. I'm normally not into plain romance bu this was cute. I like in paragraph(10) you saw I wasn't a vain woman just a very nervous one... Awesome...
I'm really glad no one dies in this.
It seems like everything romantic I read lately ends in a death. I figured since it was the internet this might be that way to. I was refreshed seeing it wasn't.
I'm not great at gramer (as you know) but n othing poped out for me. The story flowed well and kept my anxious attention.
Great Job
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you, I don't usually write this kind of stuff. I never really know what emotions are right where. But this one I pulled it off.
Thanks for reading and for liking.
Brooke
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it moves along clearly making an easy read.
Nice plotting for a short story, it moves along clearly making an easy read.
Romance normally brings a ho hum *bored* from this cold hearted creature; but you created something much deeper here.
Your narrator gives the reader a view of her unhappy past, her apprehension for what she’s doing right then and finally her hope for the future.
A few things to look at:
The sun was just beginning to peek it's (its) bright face between
for now their bronze polish was unchipped. (un-chipped) 2
At last Sean walkedthrough (pull apart walk through) the doors glancing around until his chocolate eyes found me.23
and high school *deveil*
Those ‘chocolate’ eyes sound delicious
Geri
beginning: 5, ending: 5.
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Thanks for reading geri. I think I found most of those mistakes. Thanks for picking those out. The simplest of mistakes, I miss.
Thanks again.
Brooke
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All the grammer/punctuation picks have already been listed by other reviewers, so I won't repeat those.
Overall, a cute vignette of love, expectation and hope. A good dose of nervousness for your female character and balanced out with the wholesome freshness of the male character.
I liked the descriptiveness used in the piece - from the personification of the sun, to the sensory impact of the lemon/bleach in the bathroom.
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Thanks for reading and for commenting. I always try to stick a smell or two in there.
Thanks again
Brooke
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I like this story. It's fun to see the female's perspective before a first meeting. The small details of her nervousness, the checking and refreshing her makeup in the bathroom.
Her nervousness is understandable after hearing about the ex. The shoe thing alone was very weird and made me wonder what other things he had done. The fact that she knew Sean on-line was interesting too. You never know what someone will really be like when you meet them in person.
The only other thing I noticed wasn't mentioned was in p.20 the 'a' in the first sentence should be removed because tunnels is plural.
I really enjoyed this. It's the first romantic story I've read of yours and it was fun to read.
Greg
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I wrote the part about the shoes after seeing it on a CSI eposide. Control Freaks!!!
I don't normally write romances. I think this was my first.
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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1. "it's" should be "its"
I thought I'd read this before. As you can see from my earlier comment, I really liked it! And, of course, I still do.
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Thanks for rereading this. I have forgotten I had already posted this.
Brooke
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P2: "... for now..." For seems misplaced here. I'd just remove it.
P23: "...walked through..." You missed a space. I do that a lot, too, and only catch it about half of the time.
P26: "...in my ear." Period, not comma.
P28: "your" should be "you're" as in "you are".
Good story, very interesting. I liked it. And, being in a happy relationship that began as an online friendship, I have a certain connection to it. Hehe. Great job.
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Only one I'm saddened. I think you broke my *heart*
Ok I'll fix those
Thanks for reading sweety
Brooke
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This is so good. I liked it and I'm not really into Romance stuff. But this wasn't too mushy gushy. It was perfect enough for a true man to read it and say now I know how they feel. Haha this was fantastic so keep up the amazing work.
~Blazing Mike~
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Thanks so much. I don't usually write things like that. But hey, a girls got to challenge herself, right? Glad it wasn't too mushy for the guys
Brooke
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Brooke, this is a good story. There are a few places that could be strengthened...for instance, you could show us more of the abuse by the ex-husband via flashback, rather than tell us about it. I thought the bit about locking the shoes in the safe was quite bizarre. I just sat through a workshop yesterday on domestic violence...how odd that I would then read this today! There were similar examples of abuse in the workshop.
You did an excellent job of conveying the feelings of Kylia. I did feel that you were trying hard NOT to make the ending sad--almost like you were tempted but couldn't quite bring yourself to it.
Again, I really liked it. It did seem quite different for you, but then that's the fun of writing...sometimes trying something new is not a bad thing. I agree with one of the comments below...I could very easily see this published in a woman's fiction magazine with a little tweaking. Nice work!
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Thanks for taking time to read this. I usually stumble and evidently stop altogether when I try this line of writing. But something about this one made me go on.
Glad you liked it.
Brooke
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Excellent
I enjoyed reading this one! you did a wonderful job and I was pulled in by your words.
I hope that you write another story about her and Sean.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks so much for the praise and the applauds.
Brooke
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Nice subject change, that's for certain. A good description of an airport --- and waiting when the actual time just doesn't seem to move.
2 Spelling: "havdn't" Wrong word: "times will my fingers--" Believe you mean; "times with my---"
Instead of a period after "yesterday" how about a semi-colon? "I just---yesterday; for now --- unchipped." (Suggestion)
"I" shows up very frequently. In paragraph 3 it is used four times in first two sentences alone and the use continues as you read. Is there a way to change some of this?
26 "I sure hope your Kylia?" Would be "you're" and this is phrased more like a statement then a question.
I noticed the little quirk of putting the fingers back in the mouth. A hold-over from childhood or nail biting? Just a tiny touch that should be kept in place. Very, very nice.
An online meeting, how brave! At least it was a meeting in a public place, which was to be followed by more public places I trust.
Ah well, a good tale that has been well told.
Jim
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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Thanks Jim. I fixed those that you pointed out. I don't think I could go on with this. I just know I'd make it turn out bad and I want to keep it happy lol
Thanks again
Brooke
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I liked you story, other than those few errors that have already been pointed out I thought it was nice. I liked how you put her decription in at the beginning, also for some reason; when you wrote in how he 'filled his clothes out' I pictured him to have such massive shoulders, have no idea. But I just thought you`d like to know the first thing that came to my mind.
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Thanks and yes that was what you were suppose to think about the phrase 'filled his clothes out'.
Thanks again
Brooke
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Prince Charming
Brooke...
Your story caught me...I thought it was quite good...and really, one of those tales that, with some tweaking, could really find itself printed in a woman's magazine. I thought you did a good job as the story moved along with a very nice and interesting pace. I would: trim a few adjectives and adverbs...work on fewer sentences that begin with the word "I" (particularly in the 8th, 9th, 10th and 11th paragraphs...) and change some of the somewhat exaggerated bits...like locking the woman's shoes in a safe...when she finished her shopping. Sounds like some strange medieval tale!
I admit anticipating some kind of twist...but you handled what you did do well...although I would also work on some menacing admonition in the air to level out this "prince charming"...a guy a little too good to be true! BUT NICE JOB! REALLY! Good luck!
GA
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Gary,
I had once watched a show were 'locking the shoes in the safe' was this weirdo type of torture. He would take the phone with him during the day, but leave the answering machine, she had no car keys, no money of her own and when she needed to leave the house he would have to unlock the safe and get them. He also kept her make-up and other womanly things in the safe. I thought it horrible and used it in this story instead of the typical physical abuse.
Well I just wanted to explain to you why I used that idea.
Thanks for your suggestions. I will definitly go through it and see what I can do.
Brooke
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"I havdn't bitten my fingernails..." Typo, just pointing it out
"Three times will my fingers" Doesn't make much sense
"To my my eyes..." Repeated word.
"I was a wreak" Shouldn't that be wreck?
Anyway, spelling and such aside, I really enjoyed it. The characters actually seem human, by being nervous it shows that the character isn't some superhuman, but is instead a normal person who escaped a bad marriage.
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Thanks so much. I've been working on making my characters more human. I sometimes in longer stories forget to use little human traits.
Thanks again.
Brooke
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