Man Of The Willow


There's a forest by the sea, which harbors many different types of people.
Long ago, this sea was a haven for war ridden merchants and families.
The forest was gentle back then, understanding to the people's needs and worries.
But when the soldiers came to assist the people to form their new empire the forest grew angry. 1

The soldiers began cutting away the trees and burning the ground, all which would have been fine if they had only asked. The leader of the forest mistook their work as an act of war. He rose his wooden army and attacked the newly forming empire. At the break of dawn his armies attacked, their spears held high, wooden armor protected them. But this new enemy had weapons of most dazzling potential. The hundreds of Wooden Soldiers, as they were called, charged the silver armored enemy. What they didn't expect was to encounter their very worst fear. 2

When they met in extreme battle and weapons began to fly the enemy soldiers brought out their swords and axes and began to hack away at the wooden soldiers.
These wooden soldiers were capable of living for years on end. They derived their courage from the forest, an amazing place that kept on growing no matter how much of it disappeared. 3

Many of the Wooden Soldiers ran away from battle, the leader's brother who fought as his second in command was taken hostage. The enemy soldiers paraded him before the empire's walls showing the leader how distraught his brother was. The leader grew into a fury and became vengeful, the need to attack again was boiling inside him. His comrades came to him to speak about what to do.4

“Cabeit, we have no need of these people we should attack now while your brother still lives!” one argued.
“No! We must leave these people alone, I'm sure all this is a misunderstanding,” said a wise old man. 5

Cabeit smiled, “We shall see, I have not yet made up my mind about what to do. Ardlith is precious to me but he is a warrior. I am uncertain of what action to take against these war trodden people.” He sympathized. 6

Though angry at his enemies, he could agree with the wise old man, thinking about their actions. Perhaps it had all been a mistake and they were fighting for no reason at all.
Cabeit was torn between two worlds, two emotions. The love for his brother or the hate for his enemies.7

“We should try to talk to them.” the wise man offered.
Cabeit turned to him and shook his head, “If we tried to speak with them they would certainly kill us on sight!” he said raising his voice.8

The wise man sighed heavily and rubbing his chin with a fierceness, the long beard whipped about as he thought. “We must try something, you are our leader! Your father always talked before he fought, you I'm afraid are the other way around. We have already fought a battle and lost, now we must talk and try to fix the problems at hand.” 9

Cabeit looked at the old man his eyes blazing. “Talking now would only make us appear weak.”10

The old man placed his hand on Cabeit's shoulder, for a moment the two were silent, the old man's gray eyes had softened and now appeared almost sad. His face had solemned as well, Cabeit could see plainly the age shadowing the man. His gray hair was shoulder length and displayed braids in front decorated by wooden beads. Then, as if a mirror had been placed before the wise old man, he began to speak. The elder spoke with a strength in his old voice, “Have you become too fearful that courage has completely left your heart? Compassion as well?” 11

Cabeit knew the old man spoke the truth, when the last battle had ended an untamed fear had gripped him. He had suddenly begun to fear for his own life, afraid to die in battle, in pain but he was the leader and it was his duty to make the decision. Though a hard one Cabeit decided to try talking to the enemy. At dawn the next morning he and two wooden soldiers approached the gates of the empire.
As was the custom Cabeit had adorned himself with wooden armor, which had been blessed by the forest. The smooth shine of the dark mahogany colored wood gave a sense of royalty to Cabeit. His hair was drawn back under his helmet. He stopped and awaited the guards with a burning desire for peace.
Then, quite suddenly, a guard peered over the edge from on top and looked down with a scowl.
“What do you want? Attack us again and you'll surely lose!” he taunted, a smile plain on his face.
Cabeit used all of what strength he had to keep his voice easy and level.
“The Willow Clan are not here to fight, we are here to negotiate,” he said teeth clenched.12

The guards ducked down and appeared to be whispering to each other. Five or ten minutes passed before the guards resurfaced.
“Our Lord agrees to releasing your brother; but he wants you in return!” the one guard said smiling. 13

Cabeit felt his stomach go uneasy, his breath held short.
“Perhaps we could make a trade for something else?” he questioned.
The guard looked at him suspiciously, “Are you not willing to give your life for your brother?” the guard sneered. The guard suddenly turned his head as if listening to someone else talking.
The large gates opened and Cabeit's brother Ardlith was thrown through.
“The lord says to shoot you instead!” The guard chimed as he brought his bow into view.
Cabeit turned to his men, “Hurry, grab Ardlith and run!”
The Guards obeyed, one grabbed Ardlith's arm and began carrying him back towards the forest. Cabeit stood ready to run. Had he been as brave a man as his father was; he would have stood completely still and let the cloud of arrows rain down on him. Some would have called such an act reckless, but Cabeit's father would have called the action courageous.14

I'll let him fire one arrow, then I'll make a break for it, he thought. 15

If only it could have been that easy. Cabeit managed to avoid the first arrow but as he ran he felt something in his gut, a feeling. He turned to look for just a moment and as he turned a lone arrow came flying towards him. The sharpened arrowhead buried its way deep into Cabeit's shoulder, the momentum sent him flying backwards, his body heavily plunging deeper into the forest ground.
“Did I get his heart?” one of the guards questioned.
Cabeit rolled over on his back trying to catch his breath, one of his guards grabbed his arm fiercely and began hauling him towards the forest. Cabeit lay still as the guard placed him over his shoulder and began carrying him.
“Just stay still, if you stay still they will think you dead. They know very well we retrieve our lost ones to bury them.” The guard said his breath short. 16

When they returned to the forest and were deep enough inside the guard set Cabeit down. He sat holding his arm, the arrow protruded from his shoulder and blood oozed from the open wound.
“We're going to bring them down Kiran , and soon!” Cabeit growled the pain in his shoulder becoming unbearable. Cabeit gripped the arrow tightly and with sheer force jerked it from his shoulder, an act not easily executed, he let out a groan of pain and attempted to stand. Kiran, a man who was one of Cabeit's closest guards, helped him up. They continued walking back towards their base which was deep in the forests center.17

Once there the leaders met and listened as Ardlith talked about what he had seen. His face was wrought with fear and lingering pain. Cabeit became more angered with every word he heard. Apparently they had tortured Ardlith almost till he could no longer stand it. Cabeit was calculating in his mind how many men he would need to bring the enemy down. 18

“You see!” he spat, “We tried to talk and they would have none of my words! I tried to negotiate what do they want? My head as payment! Who helped them in their time of need?” Cabeit continued. 19

Kiran pulled him back down and whispered softly in his ear, “If you're not careful you'll open your wound again.” Cabeit looked at him with disdain. Kira smiled “Trust me , if you don't then you won't be able to fight at all, given the chance.”
Cabeit agreed hesitantly, it was clear that he was not a man of patience. Nor that of understanding. However, he was a good leader and had followed his father's footsteps well. Only now the elders were beginning to worry about him, the lust for blood was too clear in his heart. Revenge was still present and that made them nervous, not only for themselves but also for the Willow Clan. 20

“I believe we should leave this place and travel to the southern slopes!” an elder interjected.
“No, no, the southern slopes are too far for us to travel!” argued another.
The previous elder looked sternly at his combatant, “You're younger than I! Are you saying you cannot make a three day journey?”
The combatant put his hand to his head, “It's nearly three months old man!” he yelled.21

The argument continued for some time, Cabeit grimaced with each rise in volume. He turned to Kiran and pleaded for him to quiet the noise. The elders harsh bickering was so loud it was causing his wound to hurt even more than already present. Kiran nodded and stood, “Listen here old men!” he shouted above the elderly arguments.
For a moment the room was silent, all eyes were staring at the now reddening guard. He sighed heavily and said peering into the blazing old eyes. “The Lordship is being caused extreme pain from your constant bickering.” he said, regretting it the minute he'd said it.
Shortly after he'd finished another elder, who had not yet spoken, began lecturing him on being in pain. His hands signaled about as he talked, slightly exaggerating his story a bit. Perhaps even making himself out to be younger than he was. That of course was common amongst the elders.
Cabeit grew tired of constantly grimacing and pleaded for help to his bedchambers. Kiran helped him to stand and walked behind him down the long hallway. He turned and looked at the elders, slightly shaking his head showing his disappointment. 22

The elders decided that Cabeit was no use to them wounded, he couldn't go into battle and he certainly couldn't stand the pain long enough to speak with them. The elders decided rest was the best medicine for him. So, in trying to be helpful they betrayed their leader. They ordered the healers to keep Cabeit in bed and resting. While they dealt with the problems of the enemy.
In the council of Elders the final decision was war. They assembled the wooden soldiers once more and made for the enemy empire. They fought the battle with a fierce heart, an angered heart. 23

Cabeit was unaware of all that was going on, he became suspicious of his guards. Every time he attempted to get up or leave they stopped him. They made him remain in bed and told him he shouldn't be walking around with such a serious wound. The elders should have known that Cabeit knew better. He had, after all, had some medical training. He knew well enough that his wound was neither serious nor life threatening thus causing him to be suspicious. 24

As the day turned to night out on the battlefield the soldiers found themselves still fighting. More and more soldiers kept emerging from the enemies side and the clan was becoming less and less able to fight. The wooden soldiers were becoming weak and were not fighting as well as they should have been.
The white hot blades of the enemy scared them, now smarter at defeating their enemy they knew their weakness. They came strictly with axes, chopping at them and dismembering them. 25

Meanwhile, Cabeit climbed down from his treetop bungalow and made his way towards the enemies empire. When he rose over the ridge and looked beyond the forest he saw the chaos. Bodies were strung about everywhere, enemy and friend alike. He found it hard to contain himself, something that he had never had a problem with before now.
He swallowed his emotions and continued towards the main battle.
Overlooking the plain was a mist of fog and the thick smell of blood. The starlight night made the landscape so deceiving as it was starry above but so very grotesque below.
Cabeit decided he needed to do something and do something now. He ran down into the battle and began hacking away at the enemy soldiers. He saw some young boys that looked no more than the age of seventeen. It was hard for him to kill those young soldiers, it tugged at his heart. 26

Cabeit soon found himself surrounded by the enemy, all staring, taunting waiting for him to make a move. He proudly held his blade and spoke softly.
“I am a man of the forest, a protector of the Willow Clan. I assure you, I will not die so easily.” 27

Like thunder sounds during a storm they came, the hoard of soldiers poured down over Cabeit. Trapped and without any more strength to fight, he made a final decision. He would use the power gifted to him by his father, though forbidden the technique would most definately save him. He waited patiently, allowing the soldiers to come closer and closer, until with one fell swoop he gathered all his power and drew his blade.
"Willow Blade!" he yelled his voice rising above the sounding thunder. All at once his sword collapsed and formed into long disks which looked like pieces of bamboo. The blades cut right through the enemy soldiers cutting them in half and sending their left over pieces flying.
The strain of using all his power caused Cabiet's previous injuries to open again, the rush in his body had faded and even his power to stand intense pain had waned. The blood from his previous injuries began to bleed profusely. Pain wrecked his body and he doubled over in the unbearable chasm. His world turned dark it was filled with hollow voices and disturbing shrieks. When he awoke he laid in a soft bed wrapped in a tweed blanket. A fire was crackling in the brick hearth. His mouth was dry and his vision was blurry, there was still an intense pain which surrounded him and it hurt so much it caused him to sleep once again.28

Though the time that passed was not used, the moments which happened were well spent. In the light of Cabeit's brave deed the elders thought about their betrayal. Though a long and hard journey was set before them they made the final decision. They would make the three month journey to the Southern Forest and remain there. They had lost the battle, a battle which was unwinnable from the beginning. They went before Cabiet as soon as he was healed and repented for their betrayal. They confessed that once more they would stand up and be strong with and for each other. Restoring
themselves once more as brothers of the Willow Clan.

Author notes

I went with the option TITLE- Man Of Willow

Hope you enjoy this!
UPDATED

A contest entry

Please, tell me what you think?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • OkapiShomapi
    December 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "But when the soldiers came to assist the people to form their new empire the forest grew angry. "
    this sentence could use a comma or two. it's a little run-onny and that makes it a little harder to read, in my opinion.

    "battle, the leader's"
    you need a conjunction (and) here, or a semicolon

    I like the names! Do they mean anything?

    The portion of the story where Cabeit first speaks to the old man is nice -- very visual. I like it.

    "the forests center.17"
    missing an apostrophe (forest's)

    "The elders harsh"
    apostrophe (elders')

    "That of course was common amongst the elders."
    teehee good line

    "They ordered the healers to keep Cabeit in bed and resting. While they dealt with the problems of the enemy."
    I think you may have meant for this to be one sentence... "in bed and resting, while they dealt"... I don't know.

    So, overall I really like this piece. I agree with some of the commenters below: it does get a little run-onny at parts, but I really think you just need a little more punctuation. Other than that, it's really quite beautiful. I would love to see a Wooden Soldier, even if he isn't actually wooden

    Thank you, and good luck!!

    annye








  • miles of smiles
    November 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    The story fell a little short in the category of description, and was slightly cliche, but it was still enjoyable.

    I'm happy you used the 'Man of the Willow' title. That was my favorite one. You used it really well. Also, your vocabulary was great.

    ♥sarah

    ps. sorry i'm behind with the contest!


  • chintzy faberge
    November 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This got really dry in my opinion, especially towards the middle. It just seems very formulaic: attack, take prisoner, sneak back, retrieve prisoner, get angry, attack again, yada yada. I just really didn't get any sort of feelings or attachment to this story.

    You really lack a lot of description. For example, when you talk about the "wise old man" you never describe him. He was clearly important enough for them to accept his counsel, so why wouldn't you at least give him a name?

    It's also full of run-ons similar to this:

    “Cabeit, we have no need of these people we should attack now while your brother still lives!”

    That should definitely be two sentences. These really make your story way more complicated than it is.

    Hope that helps.


  • yoshi97 silver member
    November 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    There is a lot of energy in this story.

    I found quite a few little nits. It looks like so much more, but that's because I wanted to make them easy for you to find do you could clear them all up.

    With the nits removed, I think you will b very pleased how this story looks!

    The world is a bit void of description though. As this is a short story, that's understandable, but a few sniglets to give a sense of time and place would have made the reader more oriented in the story.

    Also, the forbidden move at the end is called 'duex machina' by the greeks. It's a method of bringing some unknown powerful force into the end of the story to force it to a close.

    I rue this technique, as it makes the reader feel a bit overwhelmed - and sometimes cheated. To fix a 'duex machina' you need only go back to the beginning of the story and introduce the prop without giving away it will be your finalizer.

    You could show Cabeit being chastised by the elders as he is caught practicing the forbidden move. In this one small mini-scene you introduce the 'duex machina', explain what it is, explain that it is forbidden, and show that Cabeit is aware of how it is used. This makes it all plausible in the end and would only add three or four small paragraphs toward the beginning of the story if written tightly.

    Other than that, I think you did well, and hope what I offered helps out.



    Here are those nits I found:

    But when the soldiers came to [help] the people form their new empire the forest grew angry.

    He rose his wooden army and [declared war upon] the newly forming empire.

    At the break of dawn his armies attacked, their spears held high, [with] wooden armor protected them[, b]ut this new enemy had weapons of most dazzling potential.

    [T]hey met in extreme battle[,] and [immediately their] weapons [started] to fly. [T]he enemy soldiers brought out their swords and axes and began to hack away at the wooden soldiers.

    Though they were called wooden they were indeed very much human[, c]apable of living for years on end.

    Many of the Wooden Soldiers ran away from battle, [and] the leaders brother who fought as his second in command was taken hostage.

    The enemy soldiers patrolled him before the empires walls[,] showing the leader how distraught his brother was.

    The leader grew into a fury and became vengeful[;] the need to attack again was boiling inside[].

    “Cabeit, we have no need for these people[. W]e should attack now while your brother still lives!” on[e] argued.

    “No! We must leave these people alone[.] I'm sure all this is a misunderstanding.” said a wise old man.

    Cabeit smiled[.] “We shall see, I have not yet made up my mind about what to do. Ardlith is precious to me[,] but he is a warrior. I am uncertain of what action to take against these war trodden people.”

    Though angry at his enemies, he []agreed with the wise old man['s] thinking[].

    Cabeit turned to him and shook his head[.] “If we tried to speak with them they would certainly kill us on sight!”[].

    The wise man sighed heavily and [rubbed] his chin with a fierceness[.] [His] long beard whipped about as he [spoke,] “We must try something[. Y]ou are our leader! Your father always talked before he fought[. Y]ou[,] I'm afraid are [working the problem] the other way around. We have already fought a battle and lost, now we must talk and try to fix the problems at hand.”

    Cabeit looked at the old man[. H]is eyes [were] blazing[.] “Talking now would only make us appear weak.”

    The old man placed his hand on Cabeit's shoulder[. F]or a moment the two were silent[ then the old man spoke with a [newly found] strength in his old voice[.] “Have you become [so] fearful that courage has completely left your heart? [And what about compassion? Did that leave too?”]

    Cabeit knew the old man spoke the truth[. W]hen the last battle had ended an untamed fear had gripped him. He had suddenly [begun] to fear for his own life[,] but he was the leader and it was his duty to make the decision. Though a hard one[,] Cabeit decided to try talking to the enemy.

    “The Willow Clan are not here to fight[;] we are here to negotiate.”

    The guards ducked down and appeared to be whispering to each other. [Several] minutes passed before [they] resurfaced.

    The Guards obeyed[. O]ne grabbed Ardlith's arm and began carrying him back towards the forest. Cabeit stood ready to run.

    “Just stay still[. I]f you [don't move] they will [consider] you [to be] dead. They know very well we retrieve our lost ones to bury them.” The guard said[,] his breath short.

    When they returned to the forest and were deep enough inside[,] the guard set Cabeit down. He sat holding his arm[. T]he arrow protruded from his shoulder and blood oozed from the open wound.

    [“We're going to bring them down Kira[,] and soon!” Cabeit growled [as ]the pain in his shoulder becoming unbearable.

    Once there[,] the leaders met and listened as Ardlith talked about what he had seen.

    “Trust me[,] if you don't then you won't be able to fight at all, given the chance.”42

    Cabeit []hesitantly [agreed. I]t was clear that he was not a man of patience[--]nor [one] of understanding.

    Only now[,] the elders were beginning to worry about him[. T]he lust for blood was too clear in his heart.

    The argument continued for some time [as] Cabeit grimaced with each rise in volume.

    he []regrett[ed] it the minute he'd said it.

    Shortly after he'd finished[,] another elder, who had not [] spoken [yet], began lecturing him on being in pain.

    He turned and looked at the elders, slightly shaking his head [to] show[] his disappointment.

    The elders decided that Cabeit was no use to them wounded[. H]e couldn't go into battle[,] and he certainly couldn't stand the pain long enough to speak with them. The[y] decided rest was the best medicine for him. So, in trying to be helpful they betrayed their leader[by ]order[ing] the healers to keep Cabeit in bed and resting[ as] they dealt with the []enemy.

    Cabeit was unaware of all that was going on[. H]e became suspicious of his guards.

    He knew well enough that his wound was neither serious nor life threatening[,] thus causing him to be suspicious.

    As []day turned to night []on the battlefield[,] the soldiers found themselves still fighting. More and more soldiers kept emerging from the enemies side[,] and the clan was becoming less and less able to fight.

    The white hot blades of the enemy scared them[. N]ow smarter at defeating their enemy[,] they knew their weakness.

    Meanwhile, Cabeit climbed down from his treetop bungalow and made his way toward[] the enem[y's] empire.

    [Overlooking] the plain was a mist of fog and the thick smell of blood. The [starlit] night made the landscape so deceiving as it was [so beautiful] above [yet] so very grotesque below.

    It was hard for him to kill those young soldiers[;] it tugged at his heart.

    Cabeit soon found himself surrounded by the enemy, all staring[, ]waiting for him to make a move.

    Like thunder [] they came[, hoards] of soldiers poured down over Cabeit[. Using a forbidden technique[,] he defeated them [all] in one fell swoop.

    His world turned dark[. I]t was filled with hollow voices and disturbing shrieks.

    When he awoke[,] he laid in a soft bed wrapped in a tweed blanket.

    His mouth was dry and his vision was blurry[. T]here was still an intense pain which surrounded him[,] and it hurt so much it caused him to sleep once again.

    In []light of Cabeit's brave deed[,] the elders thought very well about their betrayal[. T]heir final decision was to repent and align themselves once more as brothers of the Willow Clan.

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    November 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A nice active bit of fantasy work. Warriors, wooden soldiers, swords and shields, just the ingredients needed to create this type of story.

    The action is easy to follow, your characters are interesting and the dialogue helps move the plot along.

    If this is to be your opening chapter, you might consider a bit more description to place the reader in this unusual world you are creating.

    At first I assumed the Wooden Soldiers were actually made of wood. When you told me different, it seemed less logical than if they were.

    It appears you are trying to show how misunderstandings can lead to violent action, when tempers rise and no one has sense enough to step in and defuse the situation. If this is true—you do make your point.

    I took a look at your profile and I see that English is not your first language. So I felt a little guilty redlining so much because of punctuation. I couldn’t write a readable sentence in Japanese—sigh.

    I would apologize—grin-- but you requested corrections, so here are some.

    There's a forest by the sea(,) which harbors many different types of people.

    The forest was gentle back then, understanding to the (peoples) people’s needs and worries.

    But when the soldiers came to assist the people( form ) to form their new empire the forest grew angry.

    He (rose) raised his wooden armytheir spears held high(,) wooden armor protected them.

    Many of the Wooden Soldiers ran away from battle, the (leaders) leader’s brother who fought as his second in command was taken hostage.

    The enemy soldiers (patrolled) paraded him before the (empires) empire’s walls showing the leader how distraught his brother was.

    “Cabeit, we have no need (for) of these people we should attack now while your brother still lives!”

    (on) On argued.

    misunderstanding(.) ,” said a wise old man.

    Cabeit (smiled,) smiled. “We shall see, “We should try to talk to them(.) ,” the wise man offered.
    \
    Cabeit turned to him and shook his (head,) head.

    Cabeit looked at the old man his eyes (blazing,) blazing. “Talking now would only make us appear weak.”

    “Have you become( to) too fearful that courage has completely left your heart? Compassion as well?”

    He had suddenly (began) begun to fear for his own life,

    Cabeit used (all what) all of what strength he had to keep his voice easy and level.

    “The Willow Clan are not here to fight, we are here to negotiate(.) ,” he said teeth clenched.

    “Our Lord agrees to releasing your (brother..but ) brother, but he wants you in return!” the guard said smiling.

    I'll let him fire one arrow, then I'll make a break for (it. he)it he thought.

    a moment and as he turned a lone arrow came (furling ) flying towards him. The sharpened arrowhead buried (it's) its way into (Cabeits) Cabeit’s shoulder sending him flying backwards.

    Cabeit (laid) lay still as the guard placed him over his shoulder and began carrying him.

    he was a good leader and had (followed ) followed in his father's footsteps well.

    “No, no, the (souther) southern slopes are too far for us to travel!” argued another.

    In the light of Cabeit's brave deed the elders thought (very well) about their betrayal (.)

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 4.

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