Letter never sent.

J.C.1

It seems I end up doing this for everyone I care for sooner or later, and I really feel like this is coming too soon for you. I've known you for such a long time, it seems, but we never really took each other seriously as people for a while, I think. But I want you to know, I feel like you guided me through some really tough times in my life, and I'm grateful for how gentle and kind you've been. 2

I am conquering it all. The heaviness and lightness of Being are no more to me, I am falling up into the blue. I always thought it was weird that beyond the blue there was black, and that beyond that, there was nothing. But now, soaring upward i see a gray on the edge of black, hinting that beyond reasonable limits, everything is white and clean. 3

I am, have been, and always will be wearing my heart on my sleeve. Sure, it has its disadvantages, but it also has its advantages in that it lets me be honest. And I'm sitting here at all hours trying to forget you, or forget why you won't talk to me. And all I can think of is that this silence is a wall made from my honesty and your surprise and my inability to stop what happened.4

But, I don't regret it. I never did, I was only worried for a while that we'd been reckless, but I guess I see now that the recklessness was my trait to be worried about. I'm not going to apologize for anything I've ever said, and I sure as hell don't want you to, either.5

I wish you would talk to me, because every time I'm wrapped in silence , I go back to Saturday evening, and I think about how nice it was, and then how sad it was, and how I failed that day, but I succeeded, and I was a conquest and you were a master, and I was a student, and you taught me things I hadn't known before.6

And I know this is all cliche, but I don't care. It's what I think and it's not going to change, so if you're ever ready to talk to me again, you know how to reach me. You've shown me that I won't be able to scale this wall between us. You're the only one with the key to the door, and I hope you unlock it so I can come see you again. I don't want this to end, and I hope you don't either. I hope you're just cooling off, and I'm not left in this vast expanse of black. I hope you will pull me towards the gray, or towards the way the sunlight came and reflected on your hair, or how you were so kind and familiar throughout it all.7

Please, speak to me again.8

Kevin