Bookmark1
Bookmark is a series about a twenty one year old girl named Michelle. When she was sixteen Michelle wrote a novel based on her previous sixteen years but she got carried away and decided to write about her future. Since then she has tried to get what happens in the book to happen in real life. This can be anything from falling over, going on a date to getting a new job.2
But of course it is never simple and she usually gets herself into pretty strange situations. We follow her life as she tries to live it as she had planned out in her book.3
When you see writing in these “” it means in the background Michelle’s voice is reading out lines from the book.4
(Michelle has long dark red hair and blue eyes. She has always been creative and this is what encouraged her to write her novel. She is quite shy and isn’t great around new people. Michelle keeps her book with her at all times and if not with her it’s somewhere nearby. The reason for her going by this book is that she feels if she follows it her life could be exactly what she wants it to be.)5
Episode 1 – By the Book (Pilot)6
(They by Jem plays in the background. We see Michelle unlocking the door of her apartment. She walks in holding a bag with food inside. The walls of her apartment are a dark red colour, the floors are made of wood and she has various pictures around the walls. She walks into the kitchen puts the bag onto the worktop, we see her empty some of the contents and then we go to the next scene. Michelle is sitting at the dining table and is eating a curry. She is reading a book; this book is in fact the novel itself.)7
“I now knew that I needed something to live for, something to do with my days. I wanted to start earning money, not taking it with both hands from my parents. So it was final tomorrow, I was going to nail that final interview.”8
(There is a knock at the door, Michelle drops the fork on the plate and walks to open it. She looks out and sees its Nick, her best friend and the only person who knows about the book. Nick has short blond hair and brown eyes. He finds Michelle’s book scenario strange but as he is open minded accepts that she’s just doing what she wants to do. He has a girlfriend who has been dating for eight months. So on the outside he seems happy but with Nick you never really know what he’s thinking. She opens the door.)9
Nick: Hi.10
Michelle (Smiling): Hi.11
Nick: So am I okay to come in or is this not what happens in the book?12
(She rolls her eyes and gestures for him to come in. Nick starts laughing.)13
Michelle: What is so funny?14
Nick: Nothing, nothing at all.15
Michelle: You know I could rewrite a bit of it and kill you off.16
(Nick stops laughing.)17
Nick: Okay that’s not funny.18
Michelle: Sure.19
(She walks over to the table and resumes in eating her curry.)20
Nick: So what chapter is tomorrow then?21
(He grabs the book and looks at the open page.)22
Nick: That’s fairy optimistic isn’t it?23
Michelle: The job thing, no.24
Nick (Surprised): So you think you’re just gonna get the job?25
Michelle: I got to the final interview didn’t I, all because of this book, the one you mock.26
Nick: Sure whatever you want to think, have you thought about what you will do if you don’t get it?27
(She pauses.)28
Michelle: I have a backup plan.29
(He smiles at her and laughs. He throws the book onto the table and sits down. They begin talking. The scene ends. We now cut to the next scene, it is the next day. We see Michelle sitting on one of many chairs in a roll against a large grey wall. We can hear phones ringing, people talking and doors opening and closing. Michelle is wearing a grey jacket and pants and a black shirt. There is a young black women sitting next to her. She is also in a grey suit.)30
Woman: Are you here for the interview?31
Michelle: Yeah, you?32
Woman: Yes.33
Michelle: Sorry.34
Woman: Sorry about what?35
Michelle: About you wasting your time.36
Woman: That’s a bit cocky isn’t it?37
Michelle: Not when you’re me.38
(The women looks horrified. A women in a red suit and glasses walks out of the room next to them and stares at them. Her name is René.)39
René: Michelle Brent we're ready for you.40
(Michelle gets up and follows René into the room. The woman that was sitting next to her rolls her eyes. We now go into the interview room. At the edge of the room there is a man in front of a desk, Michelle walks in and sits on the chair in front of this desk. The interviewers name is Dave.)41
Dave: Hello again Ms Brent.42
Michelle: Hello.43
(They shake hands.)44
Dave: Now thanks for coming on short notice but we needed all the final interviewees as ASAP.45
Michelle (Smiling): No problem, let’s just get to business.46
Dave: I’m very sorry but we have decided to go with another person.47
(Michelle’s face drops.)48
Michelle: Sorry if this comes across as rude but why the hell did you call me in then?49
Dave: We just thought it would be better in person, sorry again.50
(Michelle suddenly smiles and gets up from her seat. She walks to the other side of the desk. She puts her hand on Dave’s thigh.)51
Dave: My god Ms Brent what are …52
Michelle: Are you sure I’m not the right choice?53
Dave (Flustered): Definitely not, in fact this confirms …54
Michelle: It’s not a mistake.55
(She rubs her hand in his hair. Dave presses a button on his phone and says “Security” two men rush into the room.)56
Michelle: No please.57
(They walk towards her.)58
Michelle (Desperate): Please, I need this, it has too happen.59
(They grab her by the hand and escort her out of the room. They slam the door behind them when they go back in. Everyone waiting on the chairs including the woman from earlier all stare at a distressed Michelle. She turns away from the woman in embarrassment.)60
“As I walked out of the interview room I smiled at the other applicants knowing I had gotten the job. They all turned there heads to hide there disappointment.”61
Woman: No luck?62
(Michelle turns to her and smiles.)63
Michelle: Oh no they want me back for a final interview tomorrow.64
Woman: Oh so what was with the guards?65
Michelle: Oh you know they didn’t want me getting attacked, jealously and all.66
(The woman nods and obviously knows she’s lying.)67
Woman: So when I heard you screaming no please, this has to happen. That was?68
Michelle (Annoyed): Oh get over it.69
(She rolls her eyes and storms off. The woman laughs to herself, the scene ends. We now cut to the inside of a pub. Michelle is sat at the bar reading her novel. There is also a newspaper in front of her. She is marking things in it.)70
Barman: Can I get you a drink?71
Michelle (Dismissive): No.72
Barman: Well if you don’t want a drink can you go and do that somewhere else?73
(Michelle stares at him.)74
Michelle: Okay fine I’ll have a … beer.75
Barman: Right away.76
(The barman starts pouring the beer. Michelle resumes in looking at the paper.)77
Barman: What are you doing?78
(She at first ignores his question; he places the beer in front of her. She looks up at him.)79
Michelle: I’m looking for job interviews.80
Barman: Oh … what’s that you’re reading?81
(He points to the novel which is open on the page about the interview.)82
Michelle: Oh it’s my … it’s just a book.83
(He grabs the book and starts flicking through it. He looks surprised at something.)84
Barman: Why have you put giant crosses through the first lot of pages?85
Michelle (Shouting): Look I just can’t be bothered to get a bookmark so I cross the ones I’ve read out, now please talk to someone who’s not busy.86
(The barman drops the book and steps back. He walks to the other side of the bar.)87
Michelle: damn it.88
(It shows her circling an interview for a newspaper. She rubs her hands through her hair and sighs. The scene ends. We now cut to the next scene, we see Michelle unlocking her door. She is holding the newspaper and her bag. When she gets in she sees Nick sitting at the table.)89
Michelle: Oh good you’re here.90
Nick: Thanks for the … warm welcome.91
(She throws the newspaper on the table in front of him. He looks at it.)92
Nick: Didn’t get it?93
Michelle: I didn’t get it, happy.94
(Where Does The good go by Tegan and Sara plays in the background. He laughs. She opens the book and stares at the page about the interview.)95
Nick: You could always skip a page.96
(She looks at him.)97
Michelle: One that would mean I would be unemployed and two that would take away of this book.98
Nick: I thought you had a backup plan?99
Michelle: I did, it failed.100
“So the day was finally over and what a day it was”101
Nick: Well we both know what lengths you’ll go to, to follow this book.102
(She looks at him in sadness.)103
Michelle: I know.104
(She rests her head on his shoulder and sighs. The episode ends.)105
Author notes
So this is another pilot (I know I'm doing a lot of them) Hope you enjoy this one. in your comment I would like your full opnion. is it easy to understand or not? Is it boring or is it exciting? Is it too short or just the right length? Hope you comment, thanks!
Next Episode: http://storywrite.com/story/120577
A contest entry
- The Oscars 2009 - Best Dialogue by Asfand.
700 points, ended July 22, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please comment and be truthful!
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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This story/poem is hereby officially accepted as a nomination for the SW Oscars. Congratulations on your nomination! You will be notified [via IM] to submit this story in its specific category when the contest opens. Congratulations, once again! Keep up the excellent work!
Admin
SW Oscars -
A few spelling/grammar errors (fairy should perhaps be fairly; as ASAP--you're saying as As soon as possible. Take out the first "as"; there should be their; the names of songs you mention should be in quotation marks too should be to). Your scene lengths are good and I particularly liked when she got to the interview--and to find that she didn't get it. That was my favorite
Nice work
Aden Recreated
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Great, very visual!
The characters are very well described, the plot is easy to understand an it is a rather amsing idea of someone "living their life to the book" as it were. I can imagine every scene clearly going by your descriptions, and that is especially important when writing screenplay. This is also a very, very good idea for a series because the possibilities are limitless, the horizon out of sight due to the amount of ways she could make a fool out of herself or do something brilliant.
The way she relates with people is humorous, especially when she horrifies the stranger about the interview because of what the book siad she had to do. Watch, however, the way you say "woman". You are adding E's so it ends up as a plural and doesn't make sense. There is in places a slight repetition of words which did irritate me slightly, but it doesn't really matter in all honesty when you're describing the actions that take place. The desperation shown when she is flirting with the interviewer is hilarious: she's such a sad case, being this devoted to a book!
It is slightly strange that the seemingly courteous barman suddenly grabs her book. How come she hasn't published her book, or has she? It's just that why would you bind a book for yourself? Both these factors, despite my befuddlement, are convenient and don't really need to be answered. The barman must be some kind of salker or something because he's definitely way too inquisitive and nosey to be a normal civilian. I think he's a crazed man who bought the bar cheaply off a mafia family and now is a murderous fiend who is very, very suspicious. Programmes with calamities always work, but this also has a refreshing additionof originality. This could have a wide berth for a target audience: children to adults would enjoy, depending which way you decide to sway.
I really want you to write more of this! I think it's brill and involving! The length is not too long so I didn't get bored and you didn't cram too much into that episode. Keep the same kind of thing going!
characters: 5.
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I LOVE HER NAME!!!!
Haha! I love your character's name...because it's MINE!!! lol. when I was reading her description of her personality, i thought it was so weird how she was quite like me, too.
Anyway. I thought it was really good. However, from one screenwriter to another, I thought that you need a little boost in the formatting sense.
Instead of putting the excerpts from the book in quotation marks, screenwriter usually use this format for Voice Overs (VO) for example:
Michelle VO (reading from the book): I now knew that I needed something to live for, something to do with my days. I wanted to start earning money, not taking it with both hands from my parents. So it was final tomorrow, I was going to nail that final interview.
Also, your grammar and spelling are FANTSATIC, might I add, but there are still a few errors. Mainly, it's just the dreaded punctuation.
In Para39, 'women' nededs to be changed to 'woman' since its singular. In P40, it could be changed to 'Rene (reading off a paper): Michelle...Brent? We're ready for you.' Secretaries and such tend to read off papers during interviews, not knowing the names first. In P42, there should be a comma after 'again'. In P45, take our the word 'as' since ASAP is 'as-soon-as-possible' the second 'as' makes it repetative. In P45, put a comma after 'sorry' and in P50 put a period before 'sorry' and begin 'Sorry again' as a new sentence. In P52 puta comma after 'god'. In p59, use 'to' instead of 'too.' P64 put a period after 'no' amd a comma after' oh.' P66, use a period instead of a comma after 'attacked.' P69, put 'oh no, please, this has to happen.' in single quotation marks and when then she could say 'That was...?' to sort of make her voice trail off. P86 take the word 'out' out. (lol) Capitalize the 'D' in P88. Line 90, if she's supposed to say it sarcastically, you should change it to 'Michelle (sarcastically): Oh, good. You're here.' Line 94 should be changed to 'I didn't get it. Happy?' Line 98, there shold either be a comma or a colon ( after 'One' and you should do the same for 'two'. Also, you should say '...unemployed. And two...' I just works better in the pausing. Also, P98 doesn't make sense. What does she mean 'take away of this book'? P101 put aperiod after 'was'. P102 take out the first 'to' and the following comma.
I know it seems kinda harsh all these corrections. But, as a peer reader, I'd love to see this get on the TV and I know that a lot of Producers can be perfectionists. I want them to read this and go 'wow, it's perfect' instead of reading all the little mistakes and correcting it.
Anyway. I like your characters. I like how Michelle isn't REALLY rude, but she just wants to go 'by the book' (lol) at whatever cost.
EXTREMELY original idea. I'm gonna go see your next one, if not now then soon. Can't wait to see what happens next!
~~Michelle~~
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I have to admit, when you told me about the plot overview I wasn't sure how you would pull it off but YOU HAVE!!
This is really well written and I can't wait to read more
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My Truth.
Oh don't worry! lol by the looks of my verdict it sounds like its going to be criticsm but it's not.
First of all, very well written, it's interesting and out of the ordinary. What I mean when I say out of the ordinary is that the way you write as if it's a script, no not really out of the ordinary more unique.
The main character Michelle, now other people have said is she meant to sound rude? because I didn't really find her very nice, is it just me? I was reading your other comments and saw someone else has the same opinion I have.
Also this same person said that, the scenes felt farely short, perhaps maybe expanding on each would be a better way to go? well you don't have to take my advice but just take it into account.
All in All, good writing, I wil read more once it is posted. Good luck with your writing and I hope to talk to you soon in the CB (the chatterbox)
-LostBookWorm.
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This was very interestingly written
Keep up the good work! -
Keep it coming.....encore encore
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I really liked the length of this, and the idea was really intestesting. p23, fairly not fairy. This did seem to get a little sloppy towards the end, but other than that this was very entertaining. Keep writing!
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very very good. I love your stories, though I don't comment so much. You write quite well, your description is good, and good imagery. Thanx!
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I'm glad you decided to go with this, I stated it could be fub, and it was a great read. I could see this being a greatly received show, I would love to see where this is going.
That’s fairy optimistic isn’t (do you mean fairly?)
Sarah.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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When you see writing in these “” it means in the background Michelle’s voice is reading out lines from the book. In real TV and movie scripts when its only a characters voice, they have [characters name] VO
I just thought that might be interesting for you to know, I didn't mind reading it the way you had it, but I see you've written quite a few pilots, so I thought it might be something you were interested it
"Michelle: Oh good you’re here." There should be a comma after good, or else it makes it seem like she's really happy to see him.
"Michelle: I didn’t get it, happy." There should be a question mark after happy.
This was honestly THE best piolet I have ever read, a great I dea, I would definately watch this television show! The only thing would be trying to fit somewhere in there to say a little more about the book. Remember, veiwers wouldn't see the script, so they won't understand the full background. You don't have to give a full background, but maybe just work a tiny bit more into the dialouge.
I'm actually kind of sad that this isn't on for this falls line up.
You have a lot of tallent for knowing what appels to people, keep up the good work, this has A LOT of potential as an actual TV show.
Keep up the good work
bye
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The idea is original, although it sounds a little like an episode of Sabrina the teenage witch, or Hilary Duff. The idea is humourous too. However, the execution could be a lot better. When I read the intro I was thinking 'Wow, this will be really good'. Unfortunatly as the episode went on I liked it less and less. The speech seemed awkward and stilted, and lacked any sense of realism. Some of the scenes were vaguely humourous, e.g. the interview scene. My main view was that this script could be a hell of a lot funnier. Was I supposed to like Michelle? I didn't like her, she was annoying and rude. Also I agree with an earlier comment that says the scenes are too short-they are. At the present it appears jumpy and disjointed. Not much happens in it either, just a few minor events happen, none of which are particularly enthralling. This wouldn't make a very good T.V. show at present. It's too short, too awkwardly phrased and lacking in characterisation. This episode is hard to read, thanks to the complete abscence of punctuation and wealth of spelling mistakes. You should spend time proof reading your writing, while reading it aloud to yourself to see if it sounds awkward. I've almost finished my rant, but before I do so I must say how poor the ending is. The end of a pilot episode is supposed to make you yearn for more. In this the ending does nothing to make me want to know more. What is there to know more about? It just sort of ends, what kind of line to endon is I know? Overall I think this is a weak and badly thought through piece of writing. It's disappointing, especially considering the idea was decent. Stick to what you do well and leave this well alone. Sorry this is just what I feel, don't mean to be harsh
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 1, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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Its well written and a good way to show its a narrative is to put V.O next to the "". (V.O-Voice Over)
Its got potential, you've obviously thought this episode through, so all you need to do is just keep it up and you'll have a pretty good series!
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It's pretty easy to understand, I just think that Michelle is barking mad. Apart from that, this was funny, and shows great potential for a really good comedy. Keep going!
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You are still very good at these.
p3 simple, p7 Michelle is sitting, p8 'money, not', 'tomorrow, I', p9 'happy, but', p41 interviewer's, p42 Ms., p45 'notice, but', p70 is seated, p102 know
I am very impressed with your pilots. Have you started looking for an agent yet. Have you completed a full season to go with any of your pilots?
I found this interesting and entertaining. Easy to follow. I think in actual play, you would need to reveal in dialogue how her book functions, or should I say how she feels it should function. That part seemed a little weak.
Andy
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I love it. I think if you really want to write more of it go for it but I'd prefer the other story too.
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I thinks it's great, but I still prefer the other series!
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I liked it
I really do, it has an interesting concept and i wanna read more. but ... (yes, there always has to be a "but")
I think that the scenes went by just little too quickly. Thats all i have for probs, so other that, IT's Grrrreat!
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