I sit at my laptop all day long
waiting for him to get on. 1
He is this wonderful man
who is sweet and chivalrous
yet he is sophomoric and humorous2
"He is not afraid to call me a loser - when needed. "
and he is not afraid to give me compliments.3
if he were here in my country,
he would be the magical prince,
and I would be the fairytale princess.
we'd ride off on his white horse, into the sunset
and make a life of our own. 4
But I have to remember he's nine-thousand miles away
He cannot be here when I physically need him
He cannot be here when I emotionally need him
and that causes a huge barren in our relationship5
I wish I knew what to do
I want to give my heart to him
but how can I when he's not here?
oh how my heart yearns for him.
Author notes
I've had this poem popping around my head for a while, i had another draft but it got deleted.
anyways i the line where i have quotation marks i am having serious trouble with that line trying to improve it. I do not know how... could somebody please help me out. I would extraordinarily appreciate it
thank you.
A contest entry
- The Poet's Challenge: Round I by Asfand.
100 points, ended November 10, 2007, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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great
I love this! very emotional! great write!
:D
-
--> Continued
Now back to the poem. I think emotion was well crafted here, it's really putting me upto a lot of challenge, because I can sense the intensity of your desperateness.
Apart from the punctuation and the point of reforming somelines. I would have liked you to spice it up with some imagery, metaphor and interesting poetic devices.
Like the overall poem, it's an enjoyable read fer sure!
Thanks! -
Random notes:
"he is this wonderful man" - Maybe you should capitalize the 'he'? ...Or not. Whatever you want.
"He is not afraid to call me a loser - when needed. " - HAH! I like this. That's a great line.
"if he were here" - Again, capitalize 'if' or not.
"nine-thousand" - I could be completely wrong, but I don't think a hyphen goes there.
"huge barron" - Is barron the right word you're looking for? The only words I know like it are Baron (a political leader) and barren (to be devoid of life - adj).
...............
I hope you don't mind that I pointed out grammar stuff. Please feel free to ignore all of it, as this is a poem and grammar in poems is much more fluid than grammar in stories.
Anyway, despite my nitpicking, I really did like this. It was...genuine. I could feel the sadness, the longing when I read it. I felt bad for the narrator because she misses her boyfriend so much.
This was pretty nice. Really, very genuine.
Great job. -
Punctuation, capitalization are all VERY important for a poem's flow. You missed that. One you've put a period in the last line, you have to capitalize the words in the next line. Similarly, use commas where you want people to pause.
The 9000 -- the pronunciation caught me unaware and messed up the flow.
You could say:
a thousand miles -- more easily.
-- Continued>
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