It's raining today, again. Three days have gone by and it's as if it won't let up. Not that I have a problem with rain but I'm tired of things falling from the sky. They tend to cause problems which I can't bear at the moment. 1
The light drizzle that has been falling gradually begins to intensify. Similarly, the wind gains velocity, blowing rain on my face. I wipe the water off of my face unhappily. This deluge of rain and gust of wind has just made my already dull day more sullen.2
It's a day where one would wish to stay in the warmth of their home; I, on the other hand, had to go to school. If it weren't for that Japanese test, I would've stayed home. However, I have duties to keep and a future to look forward to, one that's already slipping from my hands.3
I sit on a slab of rock and mortar that's shaped into the semblance of a bench, which I share with a few others. My Japanese text book is on my lap as I review how I faired on the test. I'm not required to take the language, but I've wanted to learn it for a while. Surprisingly, it's not a hard class.4
The platform is more packed than usual. The trains have been delayed due to the rain. I just missed the previous one and have been forced to wait for the following. It's ironic though, I always miss the train by a margin of a few minutes. 5
I look out to the four sets of train tracks before me. There's another platform on the other side, where trains stop heading in the opposite direction. The two train platforms are one story below ground level yet they're out in the open. There are sets of stairs leading up to the station and out into the city.6
Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of owning a car so I have to travel locally. I've ridden these trains for the past two years to go to school and return home. It's a time consuming commute but there is no way around that.7
The platform has an roof which protects from most of what nature throws at us. Yet, there are times when the wind blows in the rain. My book is immediately drenched. I unhappily tuck it away.8
I sit, waiting for what seems like a phantom train. There's little to do which makes time to slow down. The others waiting for the train complain, some louder than others. This has brought the attention of the police who watch from the shadows. This isn't a safe neighborhood so they are always lurking around. 9
I decide to ignore them so I pull up my hood and take out my headphones. I turn on my smartphone, the Palm Centro, and go to the TV application. I click on the weather channel wanting to know when this dreaded rain will stop falling.10
After the channel loads, the weather caster appears with her usual bright smile. "Hello all, we have resolved the problem that we had with our satellite. I have some bad and good news," she says brightly, walking to the map. "The bad news is that it will keep raining until tomorrow morning. The good news is that I see a good forecast for the rest of the week..." Frustrated, I change channels. 11
I turn to an unknown channel. There are two men sitting across from each other, one on the left and the other on the right. "We have heard rumors that our country is preparing for a war. Is that true?" asks the man on the left.12
'Would he really tell you if they want to keep it a secret?' I ask myself.13
"No," replies the other, sitting straighter.14
"Then please explain, why are the armed forces drafting civilians?"15
"Drafting? No, those rumors of the draft are a complete falsification of the facts. The armed forces have done no such thing. They are actively recruiting young men and women. Most of those young men and women dropped out of school or do not have the funds to pay to go to college. Joining the armed forces allows these men and women to aid their country. We provide them the education that they may desire."16
"Okay, thank you," the man on the left says cautiously, apparently unconvinced. The camera zooms on him. "On to the next topic. This morning, a number of satellites were, and remain, unresponsive. We are unsure as to why this is so but many have noticed. The authorities have said very little on the matter. Either they don't know what is going on, or they do know and don't want us to know. However, this is all speculation. They have also lost communications with New Athens. For those of you who don't know, New Athens the name for a Joint International project that has created a city on the surface of the moon. For the last few months, a steady stream of technicians and other vital personnel have been sent up to the city. In fact, the latest flight took off just a few hours ago..."17
The ancient intercoms crackle, making everyone jump out of their seats in surprise. They all quiet down hoping to hear good news. I too sit up in anticipation, removing my headphones.18
"Ladies and gentlemen," speaks a man, whose voice echoes across the platforms. "We regret to inform you that due to flooding and lack visibility, it's been deemed unsafe for the continued operation of our trains..."19
Upon hearing this, everyone reacts. Some groan in anger, while others scream and complain, demanding that the trains be put back into operation. I stand up and walk closer to the intercom curious to know more information. Being angry and screaming will do nothing to change the situation, so I keep quiet.20
"We're aware of the inconvenience that this brings upon you," continues the voice. "Once the weather clears, the trains will return to normal operations. Please be patient and thank you for your continued support."21
With that, the intercoms click off. I look across to the other platform noticing that the rain has slowed down. 'What now?' I ask myself, sighing in disappointment. I don't have money and I don't have my Metro Card. Thus, I have no options. 'Why did this have to happen?' I ask myself unhappily.22
I head back to the bench but find my seat already taken by another. Certain individuals voice their disappointment using words that aren't safe for children's ears or mine. The police officers that had been lurking around arise from the shadows, trying to keep everyone calm but a few resist. 23
After a few minutes of commotion, they start heading towards the staircase that leads to the station exit. They wear agitated and frustrated faces, pushing and shoving unceremoniously to be first. I sigh empathetically being in the same situation as they.24
I wait long enough so that I can climb up the stairs without being shoved. When I exit the station, I'm immediately buffeted by a gust of wind blowing my umbrella away in the process. I'm left completely drenched, no longer having means of staying dry. The buses are still operational. There is a group of them parked on front of the station. Those who had just exited the station, flood the available buses.25
Not having anything to do or anywhere to go, I cross the street, walking into a small stream of water in the process. Across the train station is a large plaza. On sunny days, you would see vendors, selling all kinds of goods. 26
I walk onto the plaza, looking around as people walk past me.
Most ignore the rain. To them, it's just a typical day in the, "city that never sleeps." Even in the rain, the city is packed. I move around, evading people who would otherwise bump into me. 27
Time slows down for a moment making the rain seem to lessen. All sound dies away and the air is unnaturally still. In the silence, I hear a loud rumbling coming from the sky. A few around me stop, looking upwards and I curiously follow suit.28
The rain isn't enough to shroud the sight before me. At first, I can barely see anything; yet, the more I look, the more clear things become.29
I see the New York skyline as large objects obscured by the rain, fall from the sky. Those objects seem to be asteroids or meteors. A few as large as Yankee Stadium fall onto the unsuspecting city. As they hit, explosions erupt reverberating the ground. I stumble as the ground shakes. 30
The entire city lights up with explosions claiming more of the New York skyline. The sky is now painted red despite the pouring rain. Smaller ones hit nearby buildings. The buildings groan, as people below are showered in glass and debris. They fall to the ground in flames catching many unaware of the danger.31
It's like a scene taken out of a movie. People begin to panic. They run out onto the streets only to be impaled by oncoming traffic. This causes more accidents as cars crash into each other trying to evade pedestrians.32
Some loons raid stores and start stealing. There are some kids smashing up an electronics store. They grab the nearest goods before fleeing down the street. The people run frantically, screaming along the way seeking a place to hide.33
I stand there amid this chaos rooted to the ground; not in fear but in a certain sense of confusion and shock. 'This is something I would see in a movie. This really can't be happening,' I think to myself as I look upwards.34
Everyone wishes to live a life full of adventure or romance. We wish to possess riches and to be happy. My life flashes before me displaying all the things that I wish I could've done or in some cases shouldn't have; yet it is too late for that.35
This is something that I couldn't envision despite all the science fiction movies and games I played. Back then, it was just a game and it only reached as far as a screen. Yet this time, I watch asteroids destroying the world that I hold so dear. It wasn't much while it was still there. Yet to see it being destroyed before my eyes is something completely different. There's nothing that I can do other than stare at the scene unfolding before me. It's almost beautiful.36
A mid-sized one flies over us falling about a mile away. It crashes with a force that would make the hydrogen bomb jealous. I turn around awaiting the inevitable. If I run, there won't be enough time to escape the fire.37
A few seconds after the asteroid crashes, an explosion rocks the ground. These seconds pass slowly as I'm launched into the air watching the fire coming ever nearer. Moments later, all is dark. Instead of feeling pain, I feel numb. Then...nothing.
Author notes
Hi I'm Darth
This story pretty much came into my mind. I suppose that this story is somewhat "cliche-ish" at least the beginning...maybe? Yet for some reason, I was compelled to write at least this much so maybe if I sit down a little more and just begin to write, I might have a decent story unfolding. I tend to use passive tense too much but I'm not really sure where or how. So please help me out and let me know if you are interested in more. Feel free to comment on my grammar.
I must thank all who have helped me revise this story.
By the way, this is not a fan-fiction.
- The Science Fiction and Fantasy Writer group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Your Choice. by asthray.heart.
220 points, ended November 22, 2007, 23 entries
Honorable mention
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Honorable mention
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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This is exteremely interesting. I'll try to read the other chapters soon =]
But you are very talented
Keep writing
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Nice
Like the story. It was great man. Write more stories will u? -
The story was great. I like it
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Fantastic.
Perfect mix of character thought and description.
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This story has great potential, and I think that you should definitely continue. I have no grammar revisions, because you seemed to cover that pretty well yourself. This is very well proofread. I can't wait to read more! Thanks for entering, good luck, and keep writing!
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Needs a REALLY CAREFUL going over!
Josh,
First the good news: As I mentioned...much improved. And the really good news...I thought your "voice" at the start of this story was terrific. Really, from a different (more a mystery, hard boiled genre) and not easy to hone in on, but you did, effectively. Ready? UNTIL...P11...when you start using dialogue with which you are NOT REALLY familiar! I've been in broadcasting...so I know what I'm saying to you. Your dialogue is not real. The weather people and news people do not speak this way! Do more research into this and listen more. I could give you the dialogue, but what's the point of that? There're other problems.
Instead of continuing in that nice, easy pace of yours from up top, you begin to get carried away with your own sense of overdramatization and excitement and begin racing ahead. We get lost in the confusion and YOU LOSE CONTROL! Newsmen don't casually discuss "Rumors!" Certainly not rumors of WAR! This is serious business.This REALLY stretches credibility and deflates any hopes your reader may have had. Then you get carried away into explaining all this. Boring and unnecessary.(Not to mention "man on the left...man on the right..." IT's EXTRANEOUS. What happened to that nice, tight, style up top? Now you are getting talky! Almost silly. (From a discussion of WAR..."ok! On to the next "topic!" UNBELIEVABLE DIALOGUE! What news shows do YOU watch?! And what do you mean by "For those of you who don't know..." This is NOT the way to introduce a bit of new information. You just DO IT! For example you might say: "Four years ago the U.S. began project Athens when it completed the first working space station on the lunar surface." (Or some such) Don't say: "For those of you who don't know..."
Don't reveal what people are "hoping" to hear or not. You don't know their thoughts! And if YOU do...the reader does also. This is called editorializing...and losing your point of view.
Don't give out too much information.
Don't say "speaks a man"...just "a voice echoes etc." is sufficient! And don't say "Due to" correct is "because of!"
You don't need "Upon hearing this everyone reacts." just describe the reaction. You seem to be lapsing into OVERWRITING MODE! See? Why would you have needed "everyone reacts?" Just DO IT!
Again, your dialogue needs work. Try to listen more carefully to what you write...when writing in another's voice.
Don't say you sighed "IN DISAPPOINTMENT." Too much info. Just sigh. Readers will know why!
BTW...at this stage of the game...(we're on the moon) don't you think we'll have something other than the METRO CARD? Lol!
Again, more editorial comment..."I ask myself in unhappily!" DON'T DO THIS! You didn't need to "ask yourself" and you didn't need to tell us you were unhappy! Do you see what I'm trying to tell you?
And if your seat was taken...don't you think it would be by ANOTHER? Or else WHO took it? OVERWRITING...EXTRANEOUS VERBIAGE! SLOWS THINGS DOWN...MAKES THIS TEDIOUS! (Just be aware of it)
"Words that AREN'T SAFE? for your ears?" What does that mean? You need to back off here...step back and read what you write! Try not to be silly.
And it's LURKING. Not "lurking AROUND!"
"After minutes of commotion...THEY start heading..." Who?
Again, last sentence in this P24...why are you telling us YOUR emotions? Is this a story or is it a confession of how YOU are feeling?
Look at this overwrite: I wait LONG ENOUGH SO THAT I CAN climb..." How about: "I wait before I can climb..."
"In the process..." UNNECESSARY
"Drenched" IS COMPLETELY wet! REDUNDANT!"Exited THE STATION"...where else were you exiting?
Again "IN THE PROCESS!" See what you are letting happen? You are simply becoming careless and not listening to what you are writing!
"Avoiding people" better than "evading"
Ok. Now, with meteors like Yankee Stadium it's getting a little silly! I think your tale should have taken on a different tack. The city, I assure you, would not be "unsuspecting" as you suggest. Were you not around for 911?
(A society with a base and city on the moon has ample warning systems, you know?)
I'm stopping here...because...I hope you have the idea! Let me know!
Be careful. Lots more careful what you write if you wish to make it in any way credible!And, BTW, your point about "adventure and romance" doesn't belong here...and is not stated especially well...particularly if this is your THEME! And again, it is no place to start talking about the "games you played!" This is quite silly. lol! And don't call LOOTERS "loons" Don't be FLIP! They hardly deserve such an affectionate term. CAREFUL!
GA
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that was good! lol. your an awsome writer. you should consiter becoming a real writer and publish some of your books.
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^.^ I LOVED it ^.^ nice job ^.^ I thought the flow was awsome and ^.^ well it's wasome ^.^
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good!
the grammar and punctuation is flawless, very well proofed, and the story is solid, keep it up!
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Excellent, well-written beginning chapter. ♥ the story. I like the imagery you put into this and pretty much the entire story. I do have one question. When you said the person put on their headphones, did you mean they were watching a portable television or listening to the radio?
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there are some maginificent descriptions in this! I can just imagine this so-called ordinary day- drab and raining until suddenly the world seems to be falling apart at the seams. This is interesting and intriguing, a well-written piece. Good job and thanks for entring my contest!
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awesome story!!
but the plot is way too commen!! Looks like the idea is cheated from War of the worlds or the Justice League...
but i dont know this is the first chapter after all!
the story might change in the later chapters
so i cant really say anything
good luck
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I read it again because I luuuuuuuurv yous and you asked me to as a favor. I thought it was really good. The details were great again and the storyline is one that I could get into! Haha good job silly goosen!
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It's very terse and factual - almost Hemingwayish. It's been detailed in every crack and crevasse, so I suppose there must be SOME of this that is rooted in real life, eh
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You've made some good improvements here and addressed most of my previous concerns. Here are some minor observations:
Paragraph 2
The light drizzle that had been falling...
Change of tense, "...has been falling..."
I unhappily wipe the off water
Fix the word ordering
Paragraph 18
"vendor" is the correct spelling.
It would be nice to get a description of the "strange sound"
Paragraph 20 and thereafter
"Asteroids" are small rocky objects that orbit the Sun independently, whereas meteorites impact the Earth, no matter where they originate from. Given the later development (chapter 3), I think these are actually meteorites (asteroids can be considered meteorites when they impact the Earth).
...explosions erupt reverberate the ground.
I think "reverberating" works better here.beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, characters: 2.
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Loved it.. please continue to be an inspiration.. i loved the way you describe the imagery....
Blair
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Story's great, but the ending...it was all...um...rushed and strange to me. u could've explained, like, why are the asteroids on the groud. Is it the end of the world?
lol, ill give u a few points for trying.
9.4/10 -
I love the beginning, really really really hooks me! I noticed you fixed the part with the headphones . I also noticed you fixed the author note. You added more you, good.
One thing, this line, "Cars crashing or impaling poor bystanders people running wild." Do you mean the cars were impaling the people or the asteroids? Re-read that sentence outloud. Also, do you mean poor bystanders people... or poor bystanders, people... I think you need a comma between bystanders and people. Might want to look at that.
Also, 4th paragraph from the end. This line, "...have committed; Yet it is too late for that." You did 'Yet' not 'yet'. A small error.
Advice: re-read this outloud. You'll find awkward sentences, grammar, and other mistakes. -
oooh oooh oooh! I like it! will you write more? it's really good!
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Good story and language, could benefit from better structure
I think you can tidy up and simplify your language in a few places. I find have to do a lot of this with my own writing.
Line 1 - . Yet, it tends to cause problems which I can't bear with at the moment.
Is the “with” really necessary here?
Line 4 - , with whom I share with a few others
How about “which I share with a few others”
Line 5 - I myself have been here an hour.
I think “myself” is superfluous
Line 11 – repetition of “are”
Line 13 - to the exit of the station
How about “the station exit”
In line 18 there seems to be a shift in the rate at which time is passing. Up until this point we have had a blow by blow, second by second, minute by minute recounting of the protagonists viewpoint. Then it suddenly becomes a general, this sort of stuff goes on. And some of it would take a while to take place, such as “Some loons raid stores and (start?) stealing.” To bring us back in to the concrete here and now, you could describe what the protagonist actually sees, for example “A group of youths smash an electrical store window and grab the nearest goods before running down the street.”
Line 20 – shouldn’t of
Shouldn’t have
Line 21 - There is nothing that I can do other than stare at the scene unfold before me.
I think “unfold” should be “unfolding”
Line 22 – “A mid-sized asteroid flies over us and falls about a mile away; crashing harder than the atomic bomb that fell over Hiroshima”
Sounds odd, maybe “exploding with a force greater than the Hiroshima atomic bomb” but given this is a first person narrated story, I doubt the protagonist experienced that particular explosion for comparison.
General – I think every use of semi-colon could be replaced by a comma. Any phrase separated by a semi-colon should be able to stand alone as a separate sentence…if required. Example, “The rain beat down without pause; he didn’t normally mind rain…”
The structure doesn’t do the story justice. I think a short fore-shadowing in the initial paragraph might do the trick. If this was mine, I’d offer something like, “Rain, snow, hail: I’ve experienced plenty of things falling out of the sky. I’ve seen lightning and heard about it raining frogs and fish and things; but today… Let’s just say today was destined to be different.” This is difficult given the use of present tense throughout your piece.
I’d also like to see some character development, but that can come next.
With tidied up language, improved structure and some character development, this is a good premise for an intriguing story which could go in so many different directions. Well done on the concept and presentation. By the way, it doesn’t feel clichéd to me.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, characters: 2.
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mmm.. there.. a comment. this is better than anything i could ever write..
Keep it up..
Claire-Anne
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Love it... continuing to next part!
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I finished it without getting interrupted. Wow!! That amazing for me lately.
Ok, as for my critique. To me I couldn't quite get into it and I caught myself asking the story 'Why are you telling me all about this everyday stuff?' Even after finishing this first bit I still wonder why. If you would have started off with the boulders falling from the sky I think it would have held my attention more and maybe put the backgound stuff in as a flashback, if it's important to the basics of the story.
Ok that's my personal opinion. But I did want to say that it was very well written and the descriptions were good. I didn't notice any tense problems.
I'll move on the next part tomorrow.
Brooke
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This was good, I shall go on to read the next parts if theres some
The train station scene was good, I liked how you also said why he just stood there, not bothering to run.
Tnks for entering and goodluck.
~Lady Madeline.
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i like this, it is cliech but in a good way.
I think everyone has seen astroids fall onto NYC at some point from one movie or another.
Anyway i was at least able to relate to the character, and it was good enough that i'm going to read the rest of what you have.
~Angel
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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"flock all the available buses" This might sound a bit better if you change it to, "flock to all the available buses" or "flood all the available buses".
I like this a lot. At first it was a bit dry because I didn't know where it was going, but I liked how the end left off.
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(Smiles) You did add more interesting parts. I have a slight question,
"I decide to ignore them so I take out my headphones and listen to music.12" Isn't it raining and your headphones would get wet and could possibly get destroyed?
Also,
I sit on a slab of rock and mortar that's shaped into the semblance of a bench; (I believe you don't need the semicolon) with whom I share with a few others.
So, you added more you, right? I think you did, I'm not quite sure, I did smile and laugh more than last time. This new edited chapter kept me interested.
A job well done. -
some more edits I just did
Good start, got me hooked. The problem is, I saw nothing that made me want to re-read this story. I don't think I'll walk away and go, 'oh, the story Darth wrote really sticks in my head!'
Add more you, more umpf (if you get my meaning, kudos for you )
You authors note...you spelled grammar wrong.
What I laughed at (laughed in a good way) was in the first sentence, the 'again' made me laugh for some strange reason.
You voice in your writing, seems dry and sort of sarcastic, like whoopie it's raining...
(More kudos for you if you get my meaning)
(This is a long comment)
Your ending, sorry, but it was flat out...strange. It made no sense (maybe you have a second part that adds off from this?) unless the next part deals with...something that relates to the astroid. To me it seems that the ending was just made up on the spot, it had some thought into it but not much.
OK, the end of my long comment. I am sorry if I hurt an ego or made you forever hate me. That is my truthful oppinion of this chapter. You writing is interesting and grammar, spelling, and sentence structure were good. Add more you and you have a kick butt story.
Keep up the good work.
PS- my friend says you have to watch your semi-colons. You tend not to use them correctly. -
Wow! Good job, Josh! You get three clappy hands for this one! I liked....no....LOVED this beginning! Yay!
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Wow!
This is a good beginning! Your wording and overall style is really great, and the plot isn't bad, either!
Um....not TOO cliche
Grammer? Not bad!!! ...But...then again....hah I'm not excatly the queen of that subject
Anyway, love this beginning!!
Off to read the next part!!!
Nice work! Good luck in the contests!!!
xoxo
Tay
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hmmm this was very goood. good details and stuff, but josh, there's not a lot of stuff ABOUT your character. i don't know whether you meant for that to happen, but yeah, not a lot of information or detail having to do with ur character. you give little hints though. lol.
anyway, this was a good beginning and i would like to see what happens next -
forgot to rate it lol
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it was good many details but not really my type other than that it was great
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Nice
Honestly i liked this quite a bit. The story in itself i think has potential and i didn't find many grammer mistakes, but i am only a sophmore in high school so im not the best to grade on that subject. You are right, in a way it was kind of cliche-ish but still i think it will turn out to be a good story. Besides all of that i really liked the story and i will read whatever happens to come next. Keep it up.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I like it, very well written. Not much to comment on, besides go through and fix some punctuation stuff. How did you think of this? Keep it going, I want to see what happens next.
LJ
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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