Lying on the Bathroom Floor1
162
Make it stop, please…
Shaking
It hurts3
I hear her walk in, she’s sitting at the wall beside me. But I don’t hear her words, only the mumble of a voice as I dive again4
Another blow, as I try so hard not to scream, not to show weakness5
Please make it stop, something, anything6
Punch after punch, I’m naked and cold. Lying on the tiles of the bathroom floor in my church7
Trying not to scream8
He rolls me over, a strong blow to the stomach. I buckle over, groaning9
Her voice becomes louder as she sings something, I’m not sure what.
I want to reach out and take her hand
But she’s too far away, and I can’t move10
Make it stop…11
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::12
I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Author notes
if this is in a contest all my 'chapters' are stand alone, but for some form of explanation go to memories - an introduction
This peice in particular is confusing people. The thing is, you're not actually supposed to really understand whats happening. It's written as a flash of my memory. This event is real, but prehaps not what you think it is. I suppose for this peice I should explain, what the narrator is experiencing is a hallucination. The girl who comes in knows she can't do anything, she's seen it before, so she sings a song, I don't remember what it was but I think it was a hymn, and lets me know shes there while it's happening. And the last section is actually a song, Going Under by Evanescnece.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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That is really good. I love dark and abusive stories (Don't ask why, I just do). Thanks for entering my contest and good luck.
*Frozen Angel* -
wow, that is really, truely sad. Especially sice event very similer to that happen to ppl sometimes nightly. It sad to think about.
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wow, short but powerful work you did here. I was shocked that he did that in a church. Wouldn't people notice? Anyways, great write. Thanks for entering my contest.
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Wow that was crazy. I definately didn't really understand until I read the authors notes though. Anyway I enjoyed it.
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This is intriguing. It made me want to read more because i didn't understand it fully.
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this is very sad, and you have written this piece very well. thats a horrible thing to have happened, and im with hanako, god help these people if i got a minute with them ;D
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This was an excellent story/poem- a wonderful yet sad portrayal of how evil people can be. I have to say though, I'm not very happy about it happening in a church. Being a christian myself I would absolutley hate to hear about anyone being abused in my church.
It would take God and his entire army to stop me from beating the crap out of the guy/girl..yes even girls can be abusive.
Overall this portion of your series is heart throbbing and essentially a tear jerker. A wonderful piece!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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If you read the authors notes I've just put an explanation in.
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I wonder if this stand alone chapter is a poem or a different style of storywriting...?
You have a good choice of words, my only problem is that the young girl being abused, is naked in a church bathroom, we have no idea how she got there, but then I guess that is up to us to decide.
Then you have a woman enter and I assume witnesses what is happening and she does nothing and the young girl being abused, said nothing. That part I don't get....
I think with a little fine tuning this will read stronger.
Sarah.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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If you read the authors notes I've just put an explanation in.
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An interesting piece of writing.
If this ‘Chapter’ is meant to stand alone I do have a slight problem—I’m confused as to what is taking place. The narrator is in a bathroom, in her church, naked and being physically abused?
At first I thought rape—but she didn’t attempt to yell for help when the other woman entered. The man continued to beat his victim in sight of the other woman?
The last part sounds like a song. Is the narrator dying?
An interesting piece of writing, frightening but it lacks any kind of closure for this reader.
Geri
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 1, characters: 1.
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If you read the authors notes I've just put an explanation in.
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It feels more like a song to me. I'll have to go back and see what you mentioned in the authors note.
Was confused as to who the woman was and why she didn't help, but again I'll have to read the introduction
Brooke
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If you read the authors notes I've just put an explanation in.
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This is so good and deep. I love your word choice, excellent work!
*Frozen Angel*
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