Chapter 11
An escaped prisoner2
Elux ran through the forest seeing guards everywhere, looking for her. While leaning against a dead tree, she looked down on her leg and saw a cut obviously from making the escape from prison. The colour of her blood was not red, it was blue, she wiped her finger along the blood and took a glance at what was on the tip of her index finger. It was a shiny blotch of almost like blue paint, she sniffed the blood and it smelt like a bottle of perfume. Elux was not another one of those princesses you hear in stories who were being held prisoner by the villain in the story, she was actually a criminal. She had been locked in a small dungeon underground, being handed food by a small hole in the wall, but the only food she would get would either be raw fish, or lamb brains. Surprisingly without going mad, she managed to stay in the underground lair for six months, with no other human contact. Finally by starving herself, which isn’t something suggested under any circumstances, she managed to fit through the hole. She walked up the stairs flicking a few spiders away that had jumped on her, she had gotten so used to spiders over the last month that she treated them like normal human beings, but I’m not saying Elux is one. Two guards stood at the top of the stairs guarding her every movement. The two guards ran toward her, she dodged them both and by tripping them; they fell down the stairs. She turned the gate lever which made the gate come crashing down. As she moved quickly down the hallway the other guards were alerted. At the end of the long, dark and dismal hallway, was a large door. The guards burst through the door with swords, shields and armoury. Now the only thing standing in between Elux’s escape and freedom, was about twenty guards. She noticed the chandelier above the guards, and thought of a plan. She pulled one guard forward and grabbed his shield, she pushed the seemingly weak guard back into the crowd, as she threw the shield up to the rope, holding the chandelier. The rope snapped, causing the chandelier to collapse on the unsuspecting guards.3
Elux put her hand on the spider web covered doorhandle and pulled, the door opened, and the light of dawn hit her eyes, like a nice refreshing splash of cold water after a good night’s sleep. She breathed deeply as her heart rate went up, the fresh air was the best gift she had received since she got raw fish and lamb brains in the same day. Suddenly, her leg was cut by a knife, thrown by a guard behind her. She yelped in pain, as the guards shot arrows at her. She ran out and saw that there was a gap dividing her between her and the forest. While the arrows were still shooting at her she knelt down, as the arrows went over her head she grabbed one. She stuck it high up in a pole made out of brick. She ran back dodging the arrows by doing cartwheels and somersaults. She turned around with a look of determination in her eyes. She ran towards the arrow and jumped, her hands gripped, and as she was holding on she began to swing, around and around and around she went until she let go and landed on two feet on the other side of the cliff. “Amazing what you can do with six months of free time and a metal pole in the middle of the wall” she said to herself. A last arrow hit her in the arm, she pulled it out and smelt it “Damn sleeping drug” she said again. She picked up the small arrow and held it like a javelin she threw it up in the air as its speed picked up it went straight into one of the guards arms, “Serves him right amateur”.4
Now she was becoming weak, the drug was now taking its toll. She leaned against a tall forest tree, the tree was dying by losing its bark, and it had lost all it’s leaves. “Bless this tree and spare its life” she said as she put her hand on the dying tree. She waited for her spell to take place but nothing occurred. “The drug is making my powers fade they are becoming as weak as I” Elux’s words barely slipped off the edge of her tongue. Elux looked down on her leg and saw the cut mentioned earlier, she wiped her finger along the cut and sniffed the blood, the scent of her blood was astonishing, Elux’s energy fell to the point where she couldn’t stand to be awake any longer, her eyes rolled to the back of her heard as she hit the gravely, leafy, surface of the forest.5
“This is impossible how dare you walk into this room and tell me you didn’t find the criminal away with you!”. A woman drummed his fingers on her rusty gold chair. The woman had thick and very dry black and grey hair, with rings on her drumming fingers, and a long black robe with pieces of diamond on the cape. This woman’s name was Lufiriah, she was the one who arrested Elux and kept her prisoner for six unbearable months. Elux was caught stealing from her beloved diamond room, the object of her desire was her family sapphire stone, a stone that had been passed down in generations. The reason why she wanted it was unknown. “Madam Lufiriah I have just received word from the leader of one of your guard groups”. “Yes and?” Lufiriah leaned forward half off her chair waiting for the words to come out of her servants mouth. “And Lady Elux is nowhere to be found she has left the premises”. “NO NO NO that’s not good enough! Search the perimeter around the prison three times and expand out in concentric circles until you find that thief!”. “As you wish milady” the servant walked out of the room as Lufiria sweated and paced around the room. “I will not let her escape!”.6
Elux woke up hearing the rustling of leaves and small mindless chatter and insults to Madam Lufiria. The blood on her index finger had dried up into a dry blue paint. “Blast” Elux whispered. She jumped to her feet hiding behind a tree, “Hey have you even really been looking?” the mindless chatter continued. “No not really I mean why are we even looking now it’s been a few hours since she escaped”. Elux slipped the sword out of the sword holder attached to his belt. She turned around the tree and attacked the two guards. “Now time to make my real escape”. She ran through the forest dodging through tree’s knocking down anyone in her path. From so much pressure on the boots, one of the heels snapped off causing Elux to trip. She rolled all the way down a long hill, hitting rocks on the way down. At the end of the long hill was a waterfall. Elux went over the cliff and quickly grabbed onto the edge. She hung over the edge looking at what was below her, with great strength she pulled herself up again. “I’ll have to wait before I go for a swim”. Elux heard yelling in the distance coming towards her. “There she is grab her!” one of the guard yelled pointing his finger. “Seconds thought’s I’m going to go for a swim”. Elux turned around to get into a diving position but instead fell over the edge. All the guards stopped in a line watching her plunge into the water. The guards waited for her to come back up, leaning over the edge waiting and listening intently. A minute passed by when the guards came to the conclusion that she plunged to her death. “I will give word to her majesty that the prisoner did not escape, she died trying”. The guards walked away with a feeling of defeat and remorse and a hint of guilt.7
The forest waterfall was silent nothing but water trickling down from the cliff down into the river. The sun from dawn rose over the horizon shedding daylight on all the wildlife. Suddenly, Elux popped up out of the water gasping for breath. Her eyes glistening with victory and sneakiness, “Beautiful day for a swim”. She swam to the edge and pulled herself up. She drained her hair, and took off her boots. “Pity they were my best boots….my only boots”. She looked around at everything she took for granted before she went to prison, like things we use in a daily life like sunlight and water. “Now it’s on our way back to Cocquaria”. Cocquaria was Elux’s home kingdom where she spent most of her life, honouring and worshipping their king, King Sarotox. Elux always looked up to him and treated him as a fatherly figure, Elux’s real father died fighting in a war, and as for her mother she became ill and eventually passed away, all this happened when Elux was 5 years of age. Ever since her parent’s deaths Elux searched for her other family members but had no such luck. Elux walked north towards Cocquaria along a leafy path, desiring to be back at her home kingdom.8
“Madam?” a shaking servant said. “What is it have you got news on the criminal!”. “Yes Madam the escaped criminal……… pl- plu- plunged to her death on the waterfall just outside the prison” the servant breathed deeply, happy that he got it out on the other hand scared of what the reaction would be. “What this is impossible! I know this girl she is too smart I will find her myself! Slave?!”. “Yes Madam?” the servant asked as he shook. “Prepare my outdoor outfit I shall find this girl and when I do I’m going to make sure she never sees the light of day again!”9
Elux breathed in the fresh air as her teeth glistened in the sunlight. She ran around everywhere so happy that she was free, but not realising it her boots had fell out of her strap on the back of her skirt. Far behind her was Madam Lufiriah, and behind her were 10 fully equipped and ready guards. “So this is where you claim she plunged to her death?” Madam Lufiriah asked surprisingly nicely. “Yes Madam her body should be around here somewhere”. “Well what are you waiting for LOOK FOR IT!” she yelled. All the guards hurried into the water looking for the body as Lufiriah walked around looking at the forest “The outside I don’t know what people find so beautiful about” she said as she held a flower between her ring finger and her index finger. Lufiriah wondered around when she suddenly stopped in her tracks squinting her eyes down the long gravely road. “Servant! Binoculeers!” she yelled. ‘Binoculeers’ were and old type of binoculars. The servant passed it to her quickly as she snatched it off him. She pressed them against both of her eyes and seen in the distance were Elux’s ruined boots. “Slave! Run and get those boots! Now!”. The slave jumped out of the water dripping wet as he started to run. “Run faster!” Lufiriah ordered. The man picked up his pace as the wet armour weighed him down. Madam Lufiriah waited impatiently for him to return. As the man started to run back to Lufiriah a guard in the water said “Mam the prisoner’s body is nowhere to be found”.10
“What is the meaning of this!” Lufiria yelled. The servant arrived back falling to the floor having an attack of panting. Lufiria looked down and noticed they were a pair of boots. “Pass me them now!”. Lufiriah put her hand out as the servant passed her the boots. “Gentlemen the prisoner did not die, she escaped!, I want every available man and women searching for the prisoner and no one will return until they have news or the body of the prisoner understood!?”. “Yes madam” the guards all said in unison.11
Elux reached another small river, washing her face and sipping water at the same time. She lent up against a large rock panting loudly. She got back up realising she had to move quickly if she was to make it to Cocquaria by noon tomorrow. She stretched and yawned as she tightened her strap around her skirt. “Oh no where are my boots?” she asked herself panicking. She felt around the strap but couldn’t find the boots. “Well if they’re not here they must be-“ Elux gasped for air as she felt a tight grasp around the circumference of her neck. “Oh you thought you could escape but you were wrong” a voice from behind grumbled. She was pulled back and as she felt around her neck, she felt a leather whip. The whip pulled her to the ground as she collided with the gravely surface. Her head was grazed badly, as she was pulled back up onto her feet coming face to face with her attacker. It was one of the guards she talked to every week, even though they couldn’t see each other they could recognize each others voices. This was the closest human contact she ever had. “Recognize my voice?” the man said. “You…. No don’t do this we can escape together” Elux gasped as she breathed these words. “I must please my queen” he replied. “No please…”. Elux reached for her sword in the back, as she pulled it out quickly he yanked on the whip causing her to drop the sword in front of her. She reached down as the man ran around her yanking on the whip as tight as he could. “My queen will praise me when I bring you body back to base”. Elux gasped as she took her last breath, her finger tips touched her sword as she pulled it towards herself. “Oh god…..” she whispered, as her eyes fluttered. Just about to pass out she grabbed the sword and threw it backwards. The pressure was released from her neck as the man fell to the ground. Elux’s eyes closed as she passed out and lied on the gravely surface, as the wind blew the leaves everywhere.12
A contest entry
- Calling All Novelists- I Want First Chapters by artemis the hunter.
260 points, ended December 7, 2007, 44 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - For Writers 14 And Under Only!!! by Andy Stephenson.
175 points, ended December 13, 2007, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Sorry
This story exceeds the word limit in the contest, 'For Writers 14 And Under Only!!!'. You are welcome to replace it with a shorter piece. Thanks for trying.
Andy -
ok, im back. i must say this is rather comical and amusing
like a nice refreshing splash of cold water after a good night’s sleep.
this is a good line. great metaphor!
I think you have lots of detail, which is good, but i have found it gets to the point where it becomes too much and turns into things we didn't really need to know. it is one thing to capture the moment, quite another to drag it on. My suggestion is maybe when you are describing something tha happens instananeously you could use shor, sharp, to he point sentences which enhance the moment. it is not neccessarily the detail that counts, rather how you present it. in this manner you should be able to include all the descriptions you want without it becoming overly redundant.
another tip is to maybe replace some of your conjunctions with a comma or use different ones to capture the readers interest.
Elux looked down on her leg and saw the cut mentioned earlier, she wiped her finger along the cut and sniffed the blood, the scent of her blood was astonishing, Elux’s energy fell to the point where she couldn’t stand to be awake any longer, her eyes rolled to the back of her heard as she hit the gravely, leafy, surface of the forest.5
this sentence is overly long, too many different ideas in the one line- could definitely be broken up into more than one. maybe fullstop after
the scent of her blood was astonishing
gravely----> gravelly
again I have no had ime to finish, but, again, i will be back. hold tight -
ok, using quick comment, so i will comment as i go. the first paragraph could definitely be broken up into more than one.
Now in this firs paragraph you have some ineresing facts tha could be promising with some more detail. at the moment it is telling what is happening however it could be improved by adding some adjectives and some more powerful or unusual verbs. eg.
The two guards ran toward her, she dodged them both and by tripping them; they fell down the stairs.
The two guards rushed towards her however, with some nimble footwork she dodged and instead managed to trip them, sending the two toppling down the stairs.
ok, its late and i will finish commenting on this soon! good job so far! *thumbs up


